House Rules – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Lady Human! Wiggles is dragging towels out of the clean up box. Violation of House Rule 1,390,245.

Me:        Wiggles, leave the towels alone.

Wiggles:   No. Yes. No. Okay. Can I keep the ones I already have?

Me:        I guess so, as long as you don’t eat them.

Wiggles:   Awwww. Never mind then.

Me:        And Stella, we don’t have a million plus house rules.

Stella:    You could’ve fooled me.

Snoopey:   Lady Human! Stella is sitting too close to the Picture Box. She is staring at it. That’s bad for her eyes. Violation of House Rule blah – blah – blah – blah – blah.

Stella:    Hey, I’m the one who gets to call out House Rule violations. And I’m not, because I like these pretty pictures. And besides, Wiggles is still in violation of House Rule 1,390,245 and she is pulling out more towels and Lady Human hasn’t stopped her.

Tiger:     Lady Human! Miss Sweetie is sitting over in the corner making loud, rumbly noises. Violation of some House Rule or other, I’m sure.

Me:        House Rules are to promote safety, peace, and enjoyment. How are rumbly noises a violation of those?

Tiger:     I don’t enjoy her rumbly noises so there’s that.

Miss Sweetie:    Lady Human! Doodlebug walked into Wiggles’ crate, sniffing around and drooling!  Violation of House Rule something or other.

Doodlebug:   Tattle tale! Nosy nose!

Miss Sweetie:   Lady Human! Doodlebug is calling me names for following the rules. Make him stop! Violation of House Rule I don’t know what, but…

Me:   Okay. New House Rule.

Tiger:   Oh, no!

Snoopey:   Not another one.

Me:        Everybody minds their own business.

Stella:    That’s fine with me because everything is my business. Now make it official.

Me:        Okay…it’s official?

Stella:    Number, please.

Me:        Really? How about Stella’s choice?

Stella:    Great!

Me:        So… what’s the number?

Stella:    I have no idea. I can’t count that high.



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.


Bathroom Maneuvers – Conversations with Stella and Doodlebug

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and as queen, it is my duty to inform Lady Human of bulldog misbehavior, unless it is my own. Lady Human, I regret to tell you, but Doodlebug has pulled a Miss Sweetie bathroom trick.

Me:        What? What’s going on? You don’t mean…

Stella:    Yes. No. Maybe. If you are thinking that Doodlebug built his own toilet by stacking his food bowl on his water bowl at a convenient angle, no. He’s not that skilled. Sweetie is a way better…what do humans call it?

Me:        Engineer.

Stella:    Okay. If you say so. Anyway, if you were thinking that Doodlebug aimed at his empty food bowl and peed, then you would be right.

Me:        Doodlebug, why?


Doodlebug:        Mmmmm. I dunno.

Me:        How come you didn’t let me know you needed to go out?  I just went outside for a minute to throw the trash away. Couldn’t you have waited?

Doodlebug:        No.

Me:        Why not? Are you all right?

Doodlebug:        Yep.

Me:        Do you have a problem?

Doodlebug:        Nope.

Me:        Then why did you pee in your food bowl?

Doodlebug:        I do what I want. I do what I want.

Me:        Oh, no, you don’t do what you want, boy. Nobody gets to do whatever they want. Nobody.

Stella:    Humans do.

Me:        No, humans do not.

Stella:    Ridiculous.

Me:        Humans have rules, standards, guidance that we must live by. They are given to us by the Great Creator, so that we will live and live well. And one of our rules is that we do not pee in our food bowls.

Stella:    Doodlebug did.

Doodlebug:        I do what I want. I do what…

Me:        No, Doodlebug, no. You are getting too old to be acting out like that. Let me know when you need an extra trip outside and you’ll have it. No more peeing in the house!

Doodlebug:        What about in my crate?

Me:        No!

Doodlebug:        What about in my water bowl?

Me:        No!

Doodlebug:        What about in Aunt Stella’s water bowl?

Stella:    NO!

Me:     So bulldogs DO have rules.

Stella:     When it comes to my stuff, this bulldog does.





Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.



I Am Not a Bulldog! – Conversations with Stella

Hello. I am the human in charge of this blog and I have not expressed my strong opinion on this forum for quite some time now.

Stella:    Wrong! You interrupt my royal opinions all the time. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello, Humans. How do you do? What does that mean anyway? How do you do…what?

Me:        It’s an old human expression.

Stella:    Ah, so it is used by old humans. Now I understand why you use it, Lady Human.

Me:        Excuse me?

Stella:    You are excused, but only this once.

Me:        I did not use it. YOU used it.

Stella:    Precisely. And I would not have used it if you had not used it before me. Voila´, I win again.

Me:        I think you are not using that word correctly.

Stella:    What word? Win? Again?

Me:        Never mind.

Stella:    Gladly. Now what do you want to complain about, Lady Human? Not that I am interested. I am just trying to be polite.

Me:        Yesterday, Miss Sweetie grabbed my ankles with her mouth and nipped me.

Stella:    I saw that! That was hilarious! She should do that all the time.

Me:        No, she shouldn’t. No biting the humans, remember. Even in play. It is a bad habit and could go terribly wrong.

Stella:    No, you are the one who is wrong. It was hilarious! Best laugh all day.

Me:        We need to go back over the rules.

Stella:    She was excited to see you. You had been gone for SO LONG!

Me:        I went to lunch with a friend. I was gone 3 hours.

Stella:    You need to schedule these ridiculous lunch things with us first. Why did it take you 3 hours to eat? It never takes us more than a few minutes. Humans are slow.

Me:         I had to drive there and back. That took half an hour. And humans talk during meals.


Stella:    Waste of time! Humans talk too much.

Me:        Bottom line, Miss Sweetie must not bite me when she is playing.

Stella:    She was welcoming you home and into our bulldog pack. That is the way she plays with us. What an honor!

Me:        I am not a bulldog.

Stella:    Well, not anymore, you aren’t. Not after all this complaining. Now you will have to reapply.

Me:        I never applied to be a bulldog.

Stella:    You must have. We don’t accept just anybody.



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.




Bulldog Manners 101 – ‘Scuse Me Again – Conversation with the Pack

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby call bulldog class to order – again! This would not have been necessary if the bulldogs paid attention in our prior session. Instead, they decided to take naps.

Now hear this! No one naps during this course! If you do not intend to stay awake and pay attention for the whole class, there is no reason for you to be here.

Tiger:     Okay. See you later.

Wiggles: I agree. Bye.

Snoopey: Sounds good to me. Class dismissed.

Miss Sweetie: What? What’s happening?

Doodlebug: We’re free! Run!


Wiggles: (snore)

Stella:    Wiggles, wake up! Everybody, listen! We are going to learn manners so we can behave better around the humans!

Snoopey:  I behave just fine, thank you.

Stella:    Rule 1:  Keep your feet on the floor. Never slap a human with your feet. That means you, Snoopey.

Wiggles:  So Rule 1 is just for Snoopey? That means that I can slap any human I want to with my feet. Cool!

Stella:    No, Wiggles, it applies to you, too.

Doodlebug:  But it does not apply to…

Stella:    Yes, Doodlebug, Rule 1 applies to you. It applies to everyone. So does Rule 2. Never cut in front of a human with your big, round bulldog body. You could trip them. They don’t like to be tripped. They only have a maximum of 2 legs, not 4, so it is harder for them to stop themselves from falling.

Miss Sweetie:  Why don’t they just grow more legs?

Stella:    Oh, Sweetie. That’s not how we are made. There is so much for you to learn.

Snoopey:  Well, I don’t need to learn anything. Rule 1. Rule 2. Done and done.

Stella:    Not so fast, Sister. Rule 3: When a human says ‘Scuse me, they are simply being polite. What they mean is ‘GET OUT OF MY WAY!’ If they can be polite to us, we can at least be polite to them.

Tiger:  Blah, blah, blah. Tall Man likes it when I slap him with my paws and jump in front of him. He plays with me. If he starts to fall, I will catch him.

Stella:    The humans have an expression about stuff like you just said. Baloney.

Tiger:  What is baloney?

Stella:    It is a wonderful, delicious form of meat.

Tiger:     And I said baloney and it appears? Where is this baloney?

Stella:    I haven’t figured that out yet, but the humans don’t put great store in it. We will have to keep looking for it. Very well. Enough for today. Does anyone remember the Rules of Bulldog Manners thus far?

Wiggles:  No.

Tiger:  I wasn’t listening.

Snoopey:  I don’t care.

Doodlebug:  Run! Play! Run! Play!

Miss Sweetie:  Huh?

Stella:  Fine! Class dismissed!

Snoopey:  Finally! Not a moment too soon.



Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.






Rules, Rules, and More Rules – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. That’s right! QUEEN! Get it?

Me: Stella, what have I told you about being rude?

Stella: I don’t remember. I was too busy being rude and ordering others around. Hey, you have a long list of rules, too. Have you counted them lately?

Me: There aren’t so many rules and all of them are for your own good.

Stella: Ahem.

 Don’t step on my toes.

Don’t jump up on me.

Don’t step on my shoes, especially when I am wearing them.

Don’t grab. Not anything. Not at anytime.

Don’t wild play in the house.

Don’t bark for no reason.




Me: And your point is?

Stella: Too many rules. And they are not all for our own good. How is it for our own good not to step on your toes?

Me: You don’t have to hear me cry out in pain. I think you don’t know how heavy you really are.

Stella: Are you calling us ‘fat’?

Me: No, I am calling y’all heavy. 50 to 70 pounds each. What else would you call that?

Stella: Hefty. Substantial. Bulldoggy.

Me: Just see how it feels to you when hefty, substantial, or bulldoggy lands on your foot.

Stella: Humans don’t understand how it feels when you have to follow a bunch of rules.

Me: Oh, yes, we do! Humans have all kinds of rules to follow. Humans make rules. They are not always right, but we have to follow them until we can get them changed. The Great Creator has given us rules to follow that are for our benefit and those are right. Following good rules brings good.

Stella: I thought humans got to do whatever they wanted to do.

  • Me: No, humans are not wise enough to govern our own lives. The Great Creator gave us guidance so we would not destroy ourselves or the rest of creation. We do well when we follow Him, but when we don’t…

Stella: Rude happens.

Me: Yep.

Stella: You could still drop that no unreasonable barking rule. Unreasonable barking is the best kind.

“Keep My commandments, and live; and My law as the apple of thine eye.” Proverbs 7:2 KJV

I Demand to Speak to a Manager – Conversations with Stella

Stella, our opinionated Olde English Bulldogge, has a complaint she wishes to air. So let’s begin the conversation:

Me:        Hi, Stella! What’s the problem?

Stella:   Are you the one in command here? Because I only want to talk to the one in command.

Me:        Well, no bulldog, or cat for that matter, is in command that’s for sure. And “command” is not the best word. This is our home. It is not the army. The humans are in charge here. Why would you doubt that?

Stella:   Because first Snoopey and then Tiger each told me that they are in command. And because Wiggles is always disobeying and doing whatever she wants and she gets by with it because “she is so sweet” and “the sweetest dog ever”. Yuck! What gushy nonsense! Humans are supposed to be smart. How can you fall for that act?

Me:        Wiggles is super sweet. She dances in her comma shape and only wants head pets and neck rubs and the occasional treat.

Stella:   Aagghh! The occasional treat! I think you’ve lost count. But really, IS ANYONE IN CHARGE HERE?

Me:        We humans are. Why?

Stella:   Everything is so chaotic. Nobody is listening. Nobody obeys the rules.

Me:        Nobody? Not even you?

Stella:   Me? Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. What was the question?

Me:        You want to know if anyone is in charge. You say that no one obeys the rules. Do you obey the rules?

Stella:   Me? Yes. Well, sometimes. Hmmm. I’m not really clear on what the rules are.

Me:        How about one rule? Is there a rule against chasing the cat?

Stella:   And that’s all the time we have for our conversation today, people…

Me:        Nope. We have plenty of time.

Stella:   But I don’t like that no-cat-chasing rule.

Me:        Not the point.

Stella:   Awwww!

Me:        I understand. Humans have rules set for us, too, and some of them I flat don’t like.

Stella:   So you ignore them.

Me:        No. If they are silly or useless, I may try to get them changed. But some rules are set by God and wisdom tells me that they are good and for my safety and they won’t change. God is God and I am not.

Stella:   Is the no-cat-chasing rule one of God’s rules?

Me:        I wish I could say it is, but no. It’s one of our rules.

Stella:   So about these changeable rules, how do I go about working on that?

Me:        Write your legislator, but I don’t think you’ll get far with that. Bulldogs can’t vote.


Copyright 2016 H.J.Hill All Rights Reserved.


Private Property Law for Dogs 101

Dear Dogs of All Breeds and Varieties, but especially Bulldogs:

This is a basic short course on the private property rights of humans vis-à-vis canines and, to a lesser extent, the property rights of dogs vis-à-vis other dogs. None of these rules are binding in any jurisdiction except my house and my yard. And car. And tent. And anyplace else my property happens to be.


RULE #1 – LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE!                                                                                                           You will know it is my stuff if:

  • I am holding it (because jumping up and grabbing it out of my hand does not make it yours);
  • it smells even a little bit like me (even if it also smells a little bit like you and has dog hair all over it);
  • it is clothing (and you know good and well that dogs don’t wear clothing unless a human makes them);
  • it is a cup, empty or with any liquid or solid in it (Just because a cup looks like a little bowl does not mean you may shove your nose into it or take anything out of it.);
  • it is a plate ON A TABLE (and that includes anything on the plate ON A TABLE);
  • it is a foot covering for a human WHETHER THE HUMAN IS WEARING IT OR NOT; or
  • it is part of any collection that I use or own even if it looks like a dog toy or little stick. (Pens and pencils are not sticks and do not belong in your mouths.)

This list may be amended and/or updated as the items that you attempt to abscond with, sneak off with, steal, chew, sniff, throw up on, pee or poop on, eat, or otherwise show excessive interest in become known.

RULE #2 – UNLESS INVITED BY THE DOG, LEAVE OTHER DOGS’ STUFF ALONE!                                      You will know that you have been invited if:

  • The other dog brings you the toy and offers it to you by laying it down or shoving it in your face;
  • The toy is abandoned and no other dog is claiming it (“Abandoned” is defined as alone, muddy, trampled, and/or sometimes covered in slobber, urine, and/or feces. It is solely in your discretion whether to claim such a nasty thing or not.); or
  • The other dog comes up to you with the toy in his/her mouth and waits for you to take half of it in your mouth so that you can both run off together carrying the toy jointly. In such an event, you each share 50% of the toy until you don’t want it anymore and let go of it or until you both allow another dog(s) to share, in which case your ownership is reduced proportionally by the number of dogs running with the toy in their mouths.

Growling, threatening, or fighting over toys is not allowed and will result in the immediate removal of the toy(s) under dispute by a qualified, authorized human. Toys so removed may be returned after an appropriate cooling off period and upon petition to the human by the interested dog parties.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me for clarification.

To preserve good order and peace among humans and dogs, Dear Dogs, obey these rules.



©2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.