Not Worth Fighting About – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am in charge! Cut it out, Tiger!

Me: No, actually I am in charge. Cut it out, Tiger! Cut it out, Wiggles!

Wiggles: Tiger put her face right into my nose! I don’t want to smell her face!

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Tiger: My face smells good! What are you complaining about? You don’t complain when Miss Sweetie sticks her face in yours and her face stinks!

Miss Sweetie: That is so hurtful. Boo-hoo-hoo.

Me: No, she doesn’t. I clean her up with Malacetic Wipes. She smells like…well…like Malacetic Wipes. What’s the real problem here?

Doodlebug: Okay, I can explain it. Since the beds got moved around, Wiggles and Tiger are all sassy with each other because, when Tiger goes outside, she passes a whole lot closer to Wiggles’ bed, and they can’t keep their eyes to themselves, and so…bark, bark, bark, snarl, snarl, snarl…and then Lady Human has to break it up. That is so unfair to Lady Human!

Me: I agree! So how do we work this out? Because the narrow passage out to the yard is just what it is – narrow. Please! No more eyeballing each other. Exercise a little self control.

Stella: A ridiculous request, Lady Human! Have you forgotten to whom you are speaking?

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Eye Contact – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello. If we ever meet, face to face, do not make eye contact. I am a predator. You humans are predators. Keep your eyeballs to yourselves.

Me:        But you and I make eye contact all the time and you don’t seem to mind.

Stella:    Yes, about that, Lady Human…

Me:        You think of me as another predator.

Stella:    Admit it. With humans, one can never be too sure.

Me:        Stella, it’s me. We’ve sat together and eaten together…

Stella:    Not really. You’ve never eaten out of my bowl and I have never eaten out of yours, not that I would mind doing so.

Me:        You don’t want me to look at you.

Stella:    Of course, you should look at me. Watch all my cuteness and squirrel chasing expertise and special dance steps.

Me:        So…

Stella:    But no eyeballing.

Me:        Many humans consider it a sign of respect and honesty to look another person in the eyes.

Stella:    Many humans are not bulldogs.

Me:        In fact, no humans are bulldogs, but, to continue on the eyeballing subject, I have looked you straight in the eyes lots of times. What’s different about today?

Stella:    Today I am ticked off.

Me:        Okay.

Stella:    And when I’m ticked off, you’d better watch out. Predator alert! Keep your eyeballs to yourself.

Me:        And tomorrow will you be ticked off?

Stella:    I haven’t decided yet.

Me:        Am I allowed to be ticked off now and again?

Stella:    No, absolutely not. You are a human. You are supposed to have better self-control. Being ticked off is for me. I am the Queen.

Me:        How will I know if you are ticked off?

Stella:    Just try eyeballing me and see what happens.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Bulldog Mediation – Snoopey & Tiger – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious and Noble, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and therefore, IN CHARGE!

Snoopey: As pack leader, I beg to differ.

Me:        As the only human present, so do I.

Stella:    Fine! Be that way! I’m still queen. So there!

Me:        Is this about the spat this morning?

Stella:    If by “spat” you mean the barking, growling, snapping conversation between Snoopey and Tiger, yes.

Me:        That started when they started eyeballing each other from across the room.

Tiger:     It started the day Snoopey was born.

Snoopey:  It started the day Tiger came to live with us.

Me:        It started when you two disobeyed my instructions. No eyeballing each other. Keep your eyes to yourselves.

Snoopey:  You have been putting drops in Tiger’s eye.

Me:        Yes.

Snoopey:  I want you to put drops in my eye.

Me:        No.

Snoopey:  Not fair. I am the pack leader. I should get to have drops in my eye.

Me:        The vet gave those drops to us for Tiger’s scratched eye. You do not have a scratched eye, therefore, no drops for you. It is not a gift or a privilege. Tiger doesn’t even like it.

Tiger:     No, except that I get them and she doesn’t.

Miss Sweetie:    Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie:    Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Me:        Hold it! Quiet down!

Miss Sweetie:    fight, fight, fight

Stella:   That’s not what she meant, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie:    But I like a good fight.

Stella:    UHHHH, children these days!

Tiger:     Believe me, Sweetie, no fight is good and you would not like to see a real one.

Miss Sweetie:    But what were you and Aunt Snoopey doing then?

Tiger:     We were…disagreeing…loudly…while showing each other how white our teeth are.

Snoopey:  Yes, Sweetie, that was it. And always remember that it’s IMPOLITE TO STARE.

Stella:    And ONLY the humans have control over what the vets give us and that includes eye drops! Agreed?

Snoopey:  I concede the point…

Stella:    Good.

Snoopey:  …this time.

Stella:    Oh, of course, because next time you think that you will have control over the vets and the humans. Wrong. Mediation closed. Ruling: Keep your eyeballs out of other people’s business.

Me:        A fair ruling, Your Majesty. One we should all observe. God save Queen Stella! Wait. Where’s Wiggles?

Wiggles:  Here. AHHHH! What a wonderful nap! Hasn’t this been a great day?

Miss Sweetie:    So, there’s not going to be a fight?

Stella:    Go to bed, Sweetie. Good night.

Miss Sweetie:    Okay, Aunt Stella. Good night. It’s not a very exciting night though.

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.