Stella’s Christmas Rant – Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, shall now begin my Christmas rant. Ranting is not reserved for humans alone. I have plenty about which to rant.

Me:        Like what? You have not been out in the crowds.

Stella:    If you wish more ranting time, you have my royal permission. Go ahead. I will add mine later. Rant on!

Me:        The people walking in front of me at the grocery store crept along like snails. So slowly.

Stella:    Yes, slow humans. Everyone should have a bulldog pulling them along. What else?

Me:        “No, ma’am! You can’t get three of the same item on that one coupon!”

Stella:    No, ma’am! You can’t! What is a coupon?

Me:        “No, sir! If there are no more, there are no more!” Hey, guy! They ran out! Move along!

Stella:    Yes, move along there, human! Wait? What did they run out of? Not our treats again, I hope!

Me:        And then there were the people who insisted on blocking the store aisles so they could get a picture of their pet with Santa Claus.

Stella:    The big bearded man in the red furry suit? He takes pictures with animals? Really? But on the other hand, is it a good idea to put your animal in the lap of a bearded stranger? Do I really want my picture made with a guy I don’t know?

Me:        Humans like it. I simply wanted them to move out of my way.

Stella:    Did you call someone an ugly name this time?

Me:        No. I went shopping in a better frame of mind and I exercised self-control. Well, some self-control.

Stella:    But not enough to keep from ranting. Merry Christmas, Lady Human! My turn to rant! My turn! Miss Sweetie ate a greasy paper towel and threw up all over the place. Not very Christmasy. Christmas is supposed to smell good.

Me:        Yeah, she dug deep in the trash and pulled one out. Thanks be to God, she threw it up and is feeling better now.

Stella:    Don’t do the crime and you won’t do the time. Why trash dive when we have all this good food?

Me:        It’s in her nature. And you are not complaining about your food?

Stella:    Oh, that’s right! Food rant! I have seen all kinds of special food come in, but we are eating the same old thing, day in and day out. Where are our cool goodies?

Me:        You all get treats.

Stella:    Not red and green ones. Just dull old brown ones. Where is our bulldog Christmas?

Me:        We’ll work on that. You shouldn’t eat everything we eat.

Stella:    You shouldn’t eat everything that you eat. Rant!





Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

What Is Black Friday and Will There Be Treats? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen…YES, I SAID ‘QUEEN’ AND I MEANT IT… of the Olde English Bulldogges. Did I mention that I am Illustrious and Noble and Right Honorable? And I still do not have a crown. When will you remedy that, Lady Human?

Me:        I’m not sure. Maybe on Black Friday.

Stella:    What is Black Friday?

Me:        A big shopping day for humans the day after Thanksgiving.

Stella:    And when will that be?

Me:        Next Friday, a week from tomorrow.

Stella:    Not soon enough! I have been patient for months. Wait! Why is it called ‘Black Friday’? Is it because all the crowns sold on that day will be black? I WANT A GOLD CROWN WITH JEWELS! You will have to wait for Gold Friday if that is the case.

Me:        No, it is called ‘Black Friday’ because that is the day when many businesses see their first profit for the year. Profits used to be recorded in black ink and losses were recorded in red ink.

Stella:    Humans are weird.

Me:        I admit it. Sometimes we are.

Stella:    So, what do humans do on Black Friday? Can bulldogs do it, too?

Me:        It’s probably not a good day for bulldogs to be shopping with humans. The crowds are thick and people are rushing around trying to get good sales and specials that only last for a few hours. Humans become tense about those things.

Stella:    Are there treats?

Me:        Some, here and there. I used to go shopping with my girls on Black Friday and we would always stop to get some coffee or pastry or breakfast.

Stella:    Me! ME! ME! ME! Coffee! Pastry! Breakfast!

Me:        Yeah, but then one time, I knelt to tie my youngest child’s shoe and I got a look at what she was seeing. While from my point of view, everything was fun and exciting and colorful and lit up, all she was seeing was…

Stella:    A bulldog’s view. Lots of human feet and knees and giants walking past with their big shopping bags swinging past her head.

Me:        Yes, exactly. From then on, I stayed away from big crowds and rushing people and we went places during the holidays that were quieter and calmer and more on her level. Once she was older, we could enjoy the holiday rush together.

Stella:    I will never be as tall as a human. I will never be tall enough for Black Friday.

Me:        Don’t feel down, Stella. There are other things that you can enjoy. How about this? On Black Friday, you and I can go to the feed store where I get your treats. Dogs are welcome and there won’t be a crowd.

Stella:    Really? Do they have bulldog toys? Will children be there? How about that old man in the fluffy red suit?

Me:        I can’t promise all that.

Stella:    Oh, well then. Never mind. I will just stay home and take a nap.



Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.