How Many Holidays Do You Humans Have Anyway? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It has happened again. Lady Human is celebrating some bizarre human holiday. The more she celebrates, the less we see her.

Me:        Oh, come on! I hardly ever go anywhere. Celebrations are few and far between.

Stella:    You had one last night and came home past curfew.

Me:        No bulldog curfews for humans, remember?

Stella:    Then you had 2 outings today.

Me:        One was church. One was lunch with family. I don’t see the problem. It was, after all, Mother’s Day.

Stella:    A poor excuse for depriving a bulldog of constant attention.

Me:        Humans have their needs, Stella.

Stella:    Like what?

Me:        Well, like talking to other humans about things other than…well, other than dogs.

Stella:    You do not talk about dogs on these outings?

Me:        No. Not always. I mean, I did at church this morning. A visitor had just gotten a 4-month-old English Bulldog and she was asking me lots of questions.

Stella:    Let me get this straight…

Me:        By all means, please do.

Stella:    This human left her bulldog at home to go to church, which I still don’t understand, so she could ask questions about her bulldog. Is that what you do at church? And why is that allowed?

Me:        We talk about lots of stuff at church. Of course, it’s allowed. Her dog is fine, and I gave her lots of resources to look up.

Stella:    Very well. Church meetings about bulldogs are all right.

Me:        That’s not what church is…Never mind.

Stella:    It sounds to me like you humans are out of control again. It sounds to me like you need to show me your calendar, so I can scratch out holidays that are not necessary.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    But I can…

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    It’s just so…

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    Typical.




Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.





Bulldog Celebrations – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogs, and first let me say, ‘Merry Christmas to all’ before I start pointing out all the ways humans mess up celebrations.

Me:        Well, thank you. And no, thank you.

Stella:    Didn’t you tell me that criticism is helpful?

Me:        Constructive criticism, yes. But not too much and not too often. It can get kind of overwhelming.

Stella:    Constructive. As in the human word ‘construct’? I have to build something? With these paws? How do you expect me to do that?

Me:        Never mind. Just tell me how you think humans mess up celebrations, so we can all go to bed on time tonight.

Stella:    Number one: That one right there – everything is rushed. Meals and visiting. Got to go here. Got to go there. Rush, rush, rush. And there’s all that food.

Me:        What’s wrong with food?

Stella:    Nothing, if you share. Otherwise the good smells are so unfair. It makes me want to cover my big old nose with my big old paws. Awwww. And then there are those things you hang all over the house, things that we are not allowed to chew on, play with, or carry around. Things that break if you breathe on them. Things that make funny noises and play music at all hours and flash lights into my eyeballs.

Me:        All right then. How would you celebrate Christmas?

Stella:    Me? I would eat a big breakfast, run around and potty outside, take a long nap, then another long nap, watch some Picture Box. That’s about it.

Me:        What about visiting family and friends?

Stella:    I already do too much of that every day.



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.