Humans Do Have Good Taste, Sometimes – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, royal, majestic, noble, and Illustrious!

Me:        You really shouldn’t capitalize words in the middle of a sentence.

Stella:    I did not capitalize any word. You did.

Me:        Well, technically, but I am following your lead. ‘Illustrious’ should start with a lower-case letter.

Stella:    Another bizarre human custom, Lady Human. I choose to ignore it. Before I was so rudely interrupted, I was about to pay humans a compliment. Now I’m not so sure I will.

Me:        Awww, come on, Stella. It’s not often that you pay us a compliment. I would hate to miss it.

Stella:    Mmmm, all right, you talked me into it. Humans have the best beds. Humans are experts in laziness and really know how to put together the finest in sleeping spaces. If humans weren’t so lazy, they probably would never have come up with the idea of a mattress or a pillow mattress topper.

Me:        Is this because I ended up with a second mattress topper?

Stella:    Of course. Your bed was okay before, but now…now I can sink into it and leave the world behind.

Me:        That sounds wonderful. I wish I could.

Stella:    Lady Human, you have the most wonderful bed ever.

Me:        Then why aren’t you interested in sleeping on it?

Stella:    Too smelly!

Me:        What!

Stella:    Not an insult, Lady Human. I’m sure all those smells are scents that humans find pleasant, but they are not bulldoggy enough for me.

Me:        Snoopey sure doesn’t seem to mind.

Stella:    Snoopey is honored to share your sleeping space and would not dare to speak against your human candles and oils and… well, they may overwhelm her nose, but she probably just buries her head in the covers and ignores them. I, on the other hand, am too much of a connoisseur of bulldog scents to pretend that I like…human things.

Me:        I see.

Stella:    Don’t get me wrong. Your human bed is luxurious. The soft sheet, the soft covers, the cushy mattress toppers and it doesn’t stink…much. But the stink is the sort of thing that humans prefer. I tend toward a doggier smell. Which gives me an idea. You can make me a crate-sized bed just like your wonderful bed, except without the human sweet scents that are so offensive.

Me:        That’s what we humans call a ‘backhanded compliment’.

Stella:    ‘Back pawed’ would be more accurate.




Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

What Is That Terrible Stink? – Conversations with Stella

Hello! I am Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble of the Olde English Bulldogges. Allow me to repeat that – QUEEN! As queen, I should not have anything assault my nose. Ever.

Me:        What is the problem?

Stella:    There is a terrible stink.

Me:        Well, you know…bulldogs. Hellooo!

Stella:    I already said hello to everyone. And what does stink have to do with bulldogs?

Me:        Is that a real question, Stella?

Stella:    This stink hit me in the face when I came into your room.

Me:        I don’t smell anything peculiar.

Stella:    Let me be brutally honest. The stink is coming from you, Lady Human.

Me:        What? I showered. I put on clean clothes.

Stella:    It is your skin.

Me:        I rubbed on some essential oils. That’s all. No perfume.

Stella:    220 million dog nose receptors can’t be wrong.

Me:        220 million, huh. That’s a lot.

Stella:    I don’t know what 220 million means, but I know it is more than four. Four is the number of one paw’s worth of toes. How powerful are human noses?

Me:        Hmmm…5 million.

Stella:    Don’t be embarrassed about your weak nose, Lady Human. Be embarrassed about stinking so badly.

Me:        Essential oils don’t stink. They may be overpowering to you, but not to humans.

Stella:    Please warn me before you use them again.

Me:        I will if you will forewarn me about bulldog gas leaks.

Stella:    I can make no promises. Our gas leaks surprise even me most of the time.


Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.