I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, royal, majestic, noble, and Illustrious!
Me: You really shouldn’t capitalize words in the middle of a sentence.
Stella: I did not capitalize any word. You did.
Me: Well, technically, but I am following your lead. ‘Illustrious’ should start with a lower-case letter.
Stella: Another bizarre human custom, Lady Human. I choose to ignore it. Before I was so rudely interrupted, I was about to pay humans a compliment. Now I’m not so sure I will.
Me: Awww, come on, Stella. It’s not often that you pay us a compliment. I would hate to miss it.
Stella: Mmmm, all right, you talked me into it. Humans have the best beds. Humans are experts in laziness and really know how to put together the finest in sleeping spaces. If humans weren’t so lazy, they probably would never have come up with the idea of a mattress or a pillow mattress topper.
Me: Is this because I ended up with a second mattress topper?
Stella: Of course. Your bed was okay before, but now…now I can sink into it and leave the world behind.
Me: That sounds wonderful. I wish I could.
Stella: Lady Human, you have the most wonderful bed ever.
Me: Then why aren’t you interested in sleeping on it?
Stella: Too smelly!
Stella: Not an insult, Lady Human. I’m sure all those smells are scents that humans find pleasant, but they are not bulldoggy enough for me.
Me: Snoopey sure doesn’t seem to mind.
Stella: Snoopey is honored to share your sleeping space and would not dare to speak against your human candles and oils and… well, they may overwhelm her nose, but she probably just buries her head in the covers and ignores them. I, on the other hand, am too much of a connoisseur of bulldog scents to pretend that I like…human things.
Me: I see.
Stella: Don’t get me wrong. Your human bed is luxurious. The soft sheet, the soft covers, the cushy mattress toppers and it doesn’t stink…much. But the stink is the sort of thing that humans prefer. I tend toward a doggier smell. Which gives me an idea. You can make me a crate-sized bed just like your wonderful bed, except without the human sweet scents that are so offensive.
Me: That’s what we humans call a ‘backhanded compliment’.
Stella: ‘Back pawed’ would be more accurate.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.