The Things I Don’t Need List, Part 2 – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        To continue with the list of things I don’t need…

Stella:    Exactly.

Me:        What?

Stella:    Your list. We don’t need it.

Me:        To continue…I don’t need anyone chewing on the fencing.

Doodlebug:        Me. That was me.

Me:        I figured that out. I don’t need for the gate to be all torn apart.

Doodlebug:        Oh, I can’t tear it all apart at once. It’s going to take lots of chewing and ripping over a long time.

Me:        Next item. I don’t need for any bulldogs to lick the back door.

Snoopey:   If we don’t do it, who will?

Me:        It doesn’t need licking. It is a door.

Wiggles:   Yes, it is.

Tiger:     A wonderful, lick-able door.

Miss Sweetie:   I prefer the inside.

Me:        No one is listening to me, are they?

Stella:    No. We were listening to the crunchy sound of Doodlebug chewing on the gate.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Our Idea of Fun – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! Oh, I already said that, didn’t I? I have so much on my mind these days. All the humans feel tense which makes me feel tense.

It must have something to do with those loud humans on the Picture Box, always talking, talking, talking. Nothing else is wrong. There is food. There are treats. The outside is tolerable. It still could be cooler, but they keep saying that the cool is coming. I think that my humans are gullible. They keep believing what the weather people on the Picture Box tell them.

I think that the Picture Box was invented by cats.

When our humans are too busy to play, we bulldogs find our own fun. We can make a game out of anything. Really! ANYTHING!

A stick? Tasty AND a great toy. I prefer pecan, but mesquite or oak will do in a pinch.

A rock? If it’s big enough, stand on it like one of the human statues. Impressive. Bulldoggy. Only don’t stand there too long. They will try to take your picture with one of their little boxes. If the rock is small, roll it with your nose or kick it with your foot.

And then there are the fun things that my humans leave outside. Wooden gates that are a challenge to dismantle. Great puzzles for bulldog brains. We know how to pick them apart.

The latest toy – a long, long green plastic rope. Lady Human did get upset when she saw the use we made of it. I heard her tell Tall Man “electrical cord” and “at least it was not plugged in”, whatever that means. And he said, “Oh, great.” So at least he saw what a good job we did of chewing it up.

So keep your eyes open, bulldogs and all fellow dogs! Don’t depend on humans for fun. Make your own! Just depend on humans for food, treats, beds, air conditioning, clean ears, clean wrinkles, cool store-bought toys, human-made chew sticks, head pets, massages, manicures, walks, belly rubs, brushing, scratching on your chest and anywhere else you can’t reach, the rare bath (admit it, sometimes we need one), and vet visits (yuck). Have I left anything else out? Well, if I have, just depend on the humans to think of it.

I declare this to be official pre-bedtime nap time. Good night, all dogs everywhere!

Signed, Queen Stella the Illustrious

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uh-Oh! A Word Humans Never Want to Hear – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am working on my human vocabulary for my dictionary. Vocabulary is a long, confusing human word that means WORDS. Why can’t humans say what they mean instead of stringing lots of sounds together…uh-oh!

Me:        Uh-oh? What’s uh-oh? Where? Who? What?

Stella:    Uh-oh.

Me:        Come on, Stella. What’s wrong?

Stella:    Nothing.

Me:        Uh-oh is one of a long list of words that I don’t want to hear.

Stella:    Okay. I won’t say it anymore.

Me:        Too late! You’ve already said it. What is wrong?

Stella:    You know that little wooden gate for the little wooden fence.

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    You know how there were some boards with a latch on one side.

Me:        What do you mean ‘were’?

Stella:    Slow down. You are getting ahead of me on my uh-oh story. Well, there were some boards with a latch on one side, but now there aren’t. Emphasis on the were and more emphasis on the aren’t. Therefore, uh-oh. Sorry. I had to say uh-oh again.

Me:        Don’t tell me. Let me guess how it happened.

Stella:    Okay, guess. To save time, if you guess that Doodlebug pulled it off, you will be right.

Me:        I knew it. I knew he was paying entirely too much attention to that gate. And it wasn’t even closed. The only time we close it is when y’all are getting baths on the patio.

Stella:    Well, that won’t be happening soon, will it? And maybe that was the whole point.

Me:        That won’t stop the bathing. You will simply get your baths in the tub.

Stella:    Oh.

Me:        Wait a minute. Did you encourage Doodlebug to pull on those boards so you wouldn’t have to get baths for a while?

Stella:    Doodlebug never has to be encouraged to pull on anything with that big mouth of his. He may have figured it out when he got his last bath. He is very clever.

Me:        Yes, he is. Scary smart.

Stella:    I will add ‘uh-oh’ to my bulldog dictionary. UH-OH: a word that no human ever wants to hear. It always means that a bulldog has done something bulldoggy.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.