The Return of Jerky the Squirrel – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges or, as I am also known, FLYING STELLA, SQUIRREL FIGHTER! Jerky McSquirrelyFace has returned!

Me:        Actually, he never really left.

Stella:    But I haven’t seen him in months.

Me:        He was wintering in. After he ate all our pecans and acorns, he wandered the rest of the neighborhood, looking for something he and his friends hadn’t eaten, and then tucked himself in until spring came.

Stella:    Never fear! The Squirrel Fighter is here! Let me at him! Get ready for pecan pie come autumn, Lady Human! Here I come to save the day! If a little cartoon mouse can fly, I can fly. Where did I put my cape?

Me:        I never got around to making you a cape. I didn’t think you would need it because, well, you know…you can’t…

Stella:    Can’t what?

Me:        You know. Fly.

Stella:    Bite your own tongue, Lady Human! Don’t you remember the exciting events of last year?

Me:        No.

Stella:    Me! Fighting Jerky! Flying across the yard, chasing Jerky out…well, maybe that part was all my imagination, but I did run and I barked and Jerky jumped over the fence…after he threw nuts on my head. I like my first version better. Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter. Just let me find that little booger hanging around my yard this time. We’ll see who gets what thrown on whose head!

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter – Welcome Back, Squirrels! – Stella’s Blog

Here I am again! Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter, ready to right all wrongs and chase all squirrels!

Welcome back, Jerky McSquirrelyFace, you old rascal! Thought you could outsmart me, did you? Well…okay, you did outsmart me for a little while, but Lady Human discovered your trick and she let me in on where you have been hanging out.

And I hear that you have brought your girlfriend with you this time. The more the merrier. Wait! Does this mean that there will be a litter of puppy squirrels around here?

(Transcriptionist: Probably, but maybe not before next spring.)

 Noooo! No puppy squirrels!

(Transcriptionist: Baby squirrels are not puppies. They are kittens.)

 Double Noooo!!! How can that be? How can squirrels be cats?

(Transcriptionist: They are not cats. Their babies are just called kittens. Hey, I thought you were going to tell a Flying Stella story. This is more like one of our conversations.)

Silence, human!!

(Transcriptionist: If you want me to be silent, stop screaming and stop asking me questions. Save all that for another day.)

Cats, huh. I see their plan now. They are going to join up with Moon the Cat. She has probably been spying for them the whole time. Of course, Moon the Cat never goes outside so how does she pass messages to them? Perhaps by eye blinks through the windows. THAT’S IT! That’s how Jerky always knew where to be to rain nuts down on our heads. Moon the Cat warned him so he could be ready. Clever cat and clever cat squirrels.

(Transcriptionist: Nope.)

This is a terrible danger to the world of bulldogs. Cats on the ground and on top of furniture, counters, washing machines, and pianos. And cat squirrels jumping and climbing trees and fences, running, flying from tree to tree, not to mention scampering across rooftops like little scamps. And all in cahoots with each other.

Now more than ever I must hone my bulldog skills, especially flying.

(Transcriptionist: Since when is flying a bulldog skill?)

Stay alert, bulldogs! And you humans, too! I will keep you informed as the details of the cat/squirrel conspiracy unfold. Until then, I remain

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Here I Come to the Rescue – Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but today, more importantly, I am once again Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter.

Here I come to save the day! I heard a mouse sing that on the Picture Box. I don’t believe he was a real mouse. He looked a little flat and he was wearing a cape. And he could fly. That part was great!

I dream of flying. I would even settle for bronco bucking like Miss Sweetie does. How does she get her big old barrel body to kick up in the air the way she does? Amazing! But don’t tell her I said that. Her bulldog head is already too big as is.

Today I had to come to Lady Human’s rescue when she was attacked by a mean squirrel in the front yard. She was minding her own business, sweeping the sidewalk, when this jerky squirrel in the large pecan tree started talking ugly to her like he owned the tree and threw a shower of green pecan shells on her.

Well, I couldn’t let that go! I flew up into the tree and shut that squirrel up. Boy, was he surprised to see a flying bulldog! He stopped that silly chucking noise and dropped the green pecan he was in the middle of eating and he hauled it out of there!

My reputation as a squirrel fighter is getting around the squirrel community.They will think twice before they chunk nuts at my Lady Human again.

Me: Stella, that’s not the way that happened.

Stella: Just telling it like I saw it.

Me: You must have been in a different yard dealing with a different squirrel.

Stella: Mmm. Don’t think so. You. Me. Pecan tree. Squirrel. Ugly squirrel nonsense talk. Raining pecan shells. Yep. That was it.

Me: And you flew?

Stella: I was super fast. You must have missed that part.

Story Hour – Stella’s Blog

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! Here is my new story. It is based on a true event that happened to me.

Once upon a time yesterday, I was minding my own business in the yard, just running around and enjoying the super hot day (not enjoying, not really) when the sky started falling on my head.

“Oh, no!” I shouted. “The sky is melting. It got too hot and now it is dripping like water on my head, only it is not wet and it is not water.”

I stared at the pieces of the sky that bounced off of my tough bulldog head. They weren’t pieces of sky at all. They were half-eaten green pecans from one of the trees. I ran out from under the pecan tree and under the red oak tree.  Tiny acorns rained down on me. Why? Why were the trees spitting their nuts on me? I thought they liked me. I always enjoy the shade they provide and I show my appreciation by not using them as a bathroom.

I asked the trees what they thought they were doing. They did not answer. Branches shook and leaves rattled.  A shadow flew over my head.

A squirrel! A flying squirrel!

Transcriptionist: Hold on now. A flying squirrel? You said this story was based on a true event.

Dear Listeners and Readers, please ignore the interruption.

The squirrel flew from branch to branch, from tree to tree, flinging green pecans with big bite marks taken out of them. His aim was good. He was fast, but I was faster.

I took a mighty leap and flew up into the red oak tree. Through the branches and around and around the trunk, I chased the nut-thrower. Finally, I wore the squirrel out and chased him over the fence. That taught him to throw things at me!

Transcriptionist: Woah there, horsey! I think your story has run off on its own legs. When did you learn to fly?

 When you are being bombed by a squirrel, you do what you must. That squirrel learned who rules that yard. Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter.

The End (for now).

Signed, Queen Stella

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bird Dogs – Can Dogs Fly? – Stella’s Blog

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Today’s subject – Bird dogs!

BIRD DOGS! I heard Lady Human talking about bird dogs so she knows about them, too! Dogs can fly! I always knew in my heart that we could. Well, some of us can anyway.

This makes me so happy that I am going to dance. Not fly. Not yet.

But now at least I know that dogs can fly. Imagine what it will be like to fly. I will take a running start – not too fast, of course. I am still a bulldog. When I get up to top speed, I will jump, just a little hop, and off the ground I’ll go and I will just keep going. Flying! A flying dog! That’ll be me!

Wait, Lady Human is saying something. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh.

Well, that’s disappointing. And here I got my hopes up and got excited, all for nothing.

Apparently, the humans are misusing their words again. I don’t even know why they invent words if they are not going to mean what they say.

She says that bird dogs are dogs that help hunters . No flying is involved, not by the dogs anyway.

Why don’t humans say what they mean and mean what they say? Stop it, people! This is why I like talking to dogs. Dogs are honest. Dogs are straightforward. Dogs don’t twist things around.

I suppose now Lady Human is going to tell me that a dragonfly is not a dragon. That a house fly does belong in the house. That a catfish is not a cat that fishes.

It makes me want to cry. I don’t know who to believe.

Humans and their confusing, inexplicable ways.  Why can’t they be more like us? No one ever misunderstands what a dog means.

What? Lady Human is speaking to me again. What do you mean dogs are hard to figure out? Nonsense! You are just not listening. Try harder. I know. Write a human dictionary for dogs and I will write dog dictionary for humans.

What? What do you mean pay for a transcriptionist? That is your job. You pay for things. That is your job, too.

Until next time, dear humans, I will keep trying to make communication between dogs and people plain. I want to make sure that when I ask for a treat, no one misunderstands me.

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.