Rubbing Elbows with the Enemy – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        And I am not. What I am right now is amazed, startled, even shocked, because I just caught a glimpse of something on the patio, something surprising, staggering, incomprehensible…

Stella:    Okay. We get it. Something weird happened.

Me:        You should know. You were at the center of the weird.

Stella:    Let’s see. I was panting because it is hot.

Me:        That’s not weird. That’s normal.

Stella:    I got excited when the tiny human puppy visited again and I knocked my water bowl over.

Me:        You get excited whenever anybody visits, though admittedly not to the point of upsetting the bowls.

Stella:    Weird, huh? Oh, yeah, I had a meeting with Jerky McSquirrelyFace out on the patio. Nice guy.

Me:        You don’t think that’s weird after all the running and the chasing and him throwing nuts down on all of us and the saber rattling and the threats of all out squirrel/bulldog war…

Stella:    We talked. They’ve just about run out of pecans here. We made a deal. There won’t be as much nut tossing from now on.

Me:        You talked. Huh. So, there is an outbreak of peace between squirrels and bulldogs?

Stella:    No, not really. We are just on summer hiatus.

Me:        You know what a ‘hiatus’ is?

Stella:    Sure. Yes. No. Maybe. I am thinking it is like a vacation. Anyway, Jerky and I decided that it was too hot to fight right now so we are putting all plans off until the leaves start to fall and the air is cooler. And then, Jerky, watch out! Autumn is coming!

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Nutty Squirrel Party – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The yard is a mess. Who told the squirrels that they could have a party and not clean up after themselves? Not me!

Me:        Not me either!

Stella:    Look what they have done! They have showered pecans and pecan parts ALL OVER OUR BULLDOG PATHS!

20170815_173229

Me:        Yep. No pecan pies for us this fall.

Stella:    Who cares about pecan pies? Okay, well, maybe I do. But look at this mess! Every path is covered with pecans shells and pieces!

Me:        Must have been some kind of party! Yee haw!

Stella:    Really, Lady Human? Are you condoning this?

Me:        Not condoning. Just understanding.

Stella:    AAAAGGGGHHH!

Me:        Okay, I know you don’t want your bulldog paths messed up and covered with shells, but pretty soon the dirt will cover the debris. We may even get a couple of new pecan trees out of the deal. Hey, the last rain filled in the cicada holes!

Stella:    Cicadas. Who cares? Cicadas I accept. But squirrels? Why are they having a party in our yard?

Me:        Uhhh. Because they are squirrels.

Stella:    My nemesis, Jerky McSquirrelyFace, is behind this.

Me:        I have no doubt.

Stella:    Well, I will show him what’s what.

Me:        What is what?

Stella:    The yard is ours.

Me:        Ours as in yours and mine.

Stella:    No, of course not. Not yours at all. It belongs to the bulldogs. So here we come! Watch out, Jerky, you and all your squirrel friends! We bulldogs are on the move! Don’t you dare litter on our bulldog paths again!

Me:        Since you say it is yours, would you all be willing to contribute to the upkeep, maintenance, and taxes on it?

Stella:    The what, the what, and the what? You humans and your silly talk. That’s not our job. Our job is to chase squirrels…and cats. And that we will do. Until all the pecans pies in the world fall out of their little paws and into ours.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

ALERT! Squirrel “Rain” of Terror – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby issue this ALERT to all people and dogs everywhere.

Me:        I think that may extend a little beyond your reach.

Stella:    Everyone must be warned for their own safety! This afternoon, while I was outside minding my own business and taking care of my own business, if you know what I mean…

Me:        I do. Please go on.

Stella:    All of a sudden, I was bombed from above!

Me:        Bombed?

Stella:    I couldn’t see the perpetrator, but I knew who it was!

Me:        Perpetrator?

Stella:    My arch nemesis. My eternal enemy.

Me:        Don’t tell me. Let me guess.

Stella:    Exactly. Jerky McSquirrelyFace. Who else could have targeted me?

Me:        Yeah, he targeted all of us, including me.

Stella:    His stealth and arrogance know no bounds. Poor little green pecans. They are giving their lives for nothing. He doesn’t even eat all of them, but throws their half-eaten shells on our heads to taunt us.

Me:        Well, I wouldn’t say ‘for nothing’. They are feeding the squirrels.

Stella:    Squirrels? You mean it’s not just Jerky?

Me:        Did you see how fast they were coming down? He had help.

Stella:    Then it is time to form the Anti-Squirrel Bulldog Army. Jerky’s rain of nuts must end. To be continued…

Me:        If you say so.

20160904_122524.jpg

WANTED POSTER ISSUED BY STELLA, QUEEN OF THE OLDE ENGLISH BULLDOGGES:

This is a photograph of Jerky from a year ago. Anyone spotting this squirrel should contact their local anti-squirrel agency. Do not attempt to approach him alone! He will throw nuts at you!

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

And So…It Begins Again – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I found the evidence in the yard today, evidence that waves in my face like a red flag in front of a bull, whatever that means. I heard one of the humans say it. I quote humans when they say words that sound interesting, even if they make no sense.

The evidence speaks for itself though it has no mouth. And so, once again, it begins.

Me:        All right. This time I am totally confused. What begins once again? What evidence speaks for itself?

Stella:    War.

Me:        I beg your pardon.

Stella:    Granted.

Me:        No, I mean, what war?

Stella:    Well, then you should have said so. Of course, you are confused. Humans live that way.

Me:        Stella, what war?

Stella:    The war between me and Jerky McSquirrelyFace. He has returned. I found the evidence this morning. A green pecan on the ground, chewed in half, cut down in its prime. I know his MO.

Me:        Where did you hear about MO?

Stella:    On the source of human stupidity – the Picture Box, naturally. Jerky starts small and then BOOM! He eats ALL the green pecans, leaving none for the rest of us! If that is not an act of squirrel war, what is? Get ready, Lady Human. It is going to be a long, hot summer. CHARGE!

20160904_122524.jpg

Me:        Can I just sit this one out in the air conditioning?

Stella:    Lady Human, for shame!

Me:        I don’t really have to pick up pecans. I can always go to the store.

Stella:    Fine! Just turn over every pecan tree in the world to the squirrels. Who will have pecan pie then?

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Return of Jerky the Squirrel – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges or, as I am also known, FLYING STELLA, SQUIRREL FIGHTER! Jerky McSquirrelyFace has returned!

Me:        Actually, he never really left.

Stella:    But I haven’t seen him in months.

Me:        He was wintering in. After he ate all our pecans and acorns, he wandered the rest of the neighborhood, looking for something he and his friends hadn’t eaten, and then tucked himself in until spring came.

Stella:    Never fear! The Squirrel Fighter is here! Let me at him! Get ready for pecan pie come autumn, Lady Human! Here I come to save the day! If a little cartoon mouse can fly, I can fly. Where did I put my cape?

Me:        I never got around to making you a cape. I didn’t think you would need it because, well, you know…you can’t…

Stella:    Can’t what?

Me:        You know. Fly.

Stella:    Bite your own tongue, Lady Human! Don’t you remember the exciting events of last year?

Me:        No.

Stella:    Me! Fighting Jerky! Flying across the yard, chasing Jerky out…well, maybe that part was all my imagination, but I did run and I barked and Jerky jumped over the fence…after he threw nuts on my head. I like my first version better. Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter. Just let me find that little booger hanging around my yard this time. We’ll see who gets what thrown on whose head!

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter – Welcome Back, Squirrels! – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Here I am again! Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter, ready to right all wrongs and chase all squirrels!

Welcome back, Jerky McSquirrelyFace, you old rascal! Thought you could outsmart me, did you? Well…okay, you did outsmart me for a little while, but Lady Human discovered your trick and she let me in on where you have been hanging out.

And I hear that you have brought your girlfriend with you this time. The more the merrier. Wait! Does this mean that there will be a litter of puppy squirrels around here?

(Transcriptionist: Probably, but maybe not before next spring.)

 Noooo! No puppy squirrels!

(Transcriptionist: Baby squirrels are not puppies. They are kittens.)

 Double Noooo!!! How can that be? How can squirrels be cats?

(Transcriptionist: They are not cats. Their babies are just called kittens. Hey, I thought you were going to tell a Flying Stella story. This is more like one of our conversations.)

Silence, human!!

(Transcriptionist: If you want me to be silent, stop screaming and stop asking me questions. Save all that for another day.)

Cats, huh. I see their plan now. They are going to join up with Moon the Cat. She has probably been spying for them the whole time. Of course, Moon the Cat never goes outside so how does she pass messages to them? Perhaps by eye blinks through the windows. THAT’S IT! That’s how Jerky always knew where to be to rain nuts down on our heads. Moon the Cat warned him so he could be ready. Clever cat and clever cat squirrels.

(Transcriptionist: Nope.)

This is a terrible danger to the world of bulldogs. Cats on the ground and on top of furniture, counters, washing machines, and pianos. And cat squirrels jumping and climbing trees and fences, running, flying from tree to tree, not to mention scampering across rooftops like little scamps. And all in cahoots with each other.

Now more than ever I must hone my bulldog skills, especially flying.

(Transcriptionist: Since when is flying a bulldog skill?)

Stay alert, bulldogs! And you humans, too! I will keep you informed as the details of the cat/squirrel conspiracy unfold. Until then, I remain

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Help! My Squirrel Is Missing! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and this is an emergency red alert to all humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. My squirrel, better known as Jerky McSquirrelyFace, is missing. If you see this squirrel, ask him why he left and tell him that we miss him…

Me:        Wait! What is all this about? Your squirrel?

Stella:    Jerky! I haven’t seen him in days!

Me:        And you are just now putting out an alert? Your definition of emergency is different from mine.

Stella:    I thought he might have gone on vacation.

Me:        Do squirrels do that?

Stella:    Sure. How would you like to eat the same pecans from the same trees all the time? I know how that feels, same old dog food every day, but back to Jerky. He has not come back. The sidewalks are clean. There are no half-eaten nuts or acorns on the ground. No one has been throwing shells on my head when I go outside.

Me:        He hasn’t left.

Stella:    What? Are you sure?

Me:        Sure.

Stella:    Well, where has the little booger been?

Me:        He has expanded his territory. He is bringing food in from other places, still using our property as a base. I see him running down the top of our fence almost every morning when I am outside with Miss Sweetie. Usually he has a pecan in his mouth. Oh, and he has a girlfriend.

Stella:    But…I thought…he liked me.

Me:        He has a squirrel girlfriend. You are a bulldog as you are always reminding me.

Stella:    Oh, all right!

Me:        And what do you mean you thought he liked you? How many times have you complained about him? How he was throwing nuts on our heads and chucking at us. You were the one who named him ‘Jerky’. Most friends don’t call friends ‘Jerky’.

Stella:    I was fond of him so I gave him a cute nickname.

Me:        Are you fond of me? I wonder what cute nickname you’ve given me.

Stella:    Well, that will just be my little secret. Never mind, humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. Red alert is cancelled. Jerky, my little squirrel nemesis, is still here. Let the games resume.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Here I Come to the Rescue – Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but today, more importantly, I am once again Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter.

Here I come to save the day! I heard a mouse sing that on the Picture Box. I don’t believe he was a real mouse. He looked a little flat and he was wearing a cape. And he could fly. That part was great!

I dream of flying. I would even settle for bronco bucking like Miss Sweetie does. How does she get her big old barrel body to kick up in the air the way she does? Amazing! But don’t tell her I said that. Her bulldog head is already too big as is.

Today I had to come to Lady Human’s rescue when she was attacked by a mean squirrel in the front yard. She was minding her own business, sweeping the sidewalk, when this jerky squirrel in the large pecan tree started talking ugly to her like he owned the tree and threw a shower of green pecan shells on her.

Well, I couldn’t let that go! I flew up into the tree and shut that squirrel up. Boy, was he surprised to see a flying bulldog! He stopped that silly chucking noise and dropped the green pecan he was in the middle of eating and he hauled it out of there!

My reputation as a squirrel fighter is getting around the squirrel community.They will think twice before they chunk nuts at my Lady Human again.

Me: Stella, that’s not the way that happened.

Stella: Just telling it like I saw it.

Me: You must have been in a different yard dealing with a different squirrel.

Stella: Mmm. Don’t think so. You. Me. Pecan tree. Squirrel. Ugly squirrel nonsense talk. Raining pecan shells. Yep. That was it.

Me: And you flew?

Stella: I was super fast. You must have missed that part.