Stop Clucking in Our Ears! You Sound Like a Chicken! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, guard my ears from nonsense noises and that is hard living with a pack of bulldogs. But today it was not a bulldog assaulting my ears. It was far worse than that.

It was a cat. Moon the Cat, to be precise. She was making clucking noises in Lady Human’s ear and I heard it. Clucking noises! Who does that? She is a cat! Where was the meowing that we are so often subjected to? A cat should act like a cat. Clucking is for chickens and I know that the cat has not been hanging around with them.

Me:        It was really no big deal.

Stella:    How do you define “big deal”? Since when is a cat clucking like a chicken not a big deal? Is this yet another cat/chicken conspiracy? Are cats and chickens uniting against bulldogs? Are they now speaking a common language? Is this a prelude to war? NOOOOO!!

Me:        Wait. A war between bulldogs on one side and cats and chickens on the other?

Stella:    What else can it be? A cat was clucking, Lady Human! A cat! Clucking!

Me:        I don’t think it is a real problem. I did tell Moon to stop doing it in my ear.

Stella:    There is a plot afoot. Ignore it if you will, but one day, all of us may be clucking in cat-ese like a bunch of chickens.

Me:        Flock.

Stella:    I beg your pardon?

Me:        Granted.

Stella:    Hmmmph! Cats!

Me:        Hmmmph! Bulldogs!

Stella:    What?

Me:        Nothing.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Chicken Conspiracy – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Stella:    Run! Run! Get away as fast as you can! You can thank me later. Me, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        Stella, what’s wrong?

Stella:    Take a deep breath through your limited human nose.

Me:        Whoa! Who did that?

Stella:    Miss Sweetie. It was a gas attack.

Me:        Poor Miss Sweetie.

Stella:    Poor us, you mean. Run! Run for your lives! No, not you, Sweetie. You stay right there.

Me:        Our lives are not in danger.

Stella:    You could’ve fooled me.

Me:        Whoa, Sweetie! What did you eat?

Stella:    It’s the fault of the chickens. They pushed an egg out of their run. Right at her. On purpose. They know she has no self-control when it comes to their eggs. Wicked chickens.

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Me:        Maybe they were being friendly.

Stella:    Friendly? Stinking up the whole world is friendly?

Me:        It’s not the whole world. It’s really just a few feet around Miss Sweetie.

Stella:    No, Lady Human, the chickens conspired to run us from the yard. I am a queen. Queens know when there is a conspiracy afoot.

Me:        Afoot? You have been watching too much Sherlock.

Stella:    Or have you been watching too much Sherlock? That may be part of their plan, too.

Me:        Why would they care if you are in the yard? They have their run and their house. They don’t even cross paths with you.

Stella:    Chickens are smarter than humans give them credit for being. They are planning a takeover. Do you see how they hunker down together like a big pile of fuzz? That’s when they discuss it. Oh no, maybe the squirrels are in on it!

Me:        Okay, time for some fresh air, Stella. I think the gas has gone to your head.

Stella:    That’s it! We need gas masks. Tell Tall Man to get some. Like the one he wears when he cuts the grass and pretends to be a giant insect. Bulldogs will not be outsmarted by chickens. We will defeat this conspiracy. We will all look like giant insects. I can’t wait to see what the chickens will have to say about that.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter – Welcome Back, Squirrels! – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Here I am again! Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter, ready to right all wrongs and chase all squirrels!

Welcome back, Jerky McSquirrelyFace, you old rascal! Thought you could outsmart me, did you? Well…okay, you did outsmart me for a little while, but Lady Human discovered your trick and she let me in on where you have been hanging out.

And I hear that you have brought your girlfriend with you this time. The more the merrier. Wait! Does this mean that there will be a litter of puppy squirrels around here?

(Transcriptionist: Probably, but maybe not before next spring.)

 Noooo! No puppy squirrels!

(Transcriptionist: Baby squirrels are not puppies. They are kittens.)

 Double Noooo!!! How can that be? How can squirrels be cats?

(Transcriptionist: They are not cats. Their babies are just called kittens. Hey, I thought you were going to tell a Flying Stella story. This is more like one of our conversations.)

Silence, human!!

(Transcriptionist: If you want me to be silent, stop screaming and stop asking me questions. Save all that for another day.)

Cats, huh. I see their plan now. They are going to join up with Moon the Cat. She has probably been spying for them the whole time. Of course, Moon the Cat never goes outside so how does she pass messages to them? Perhaps by eye blinks through the windows. THAT’S IT! That’s how Jerky always knew where to be to rain nuts down on our heads. Moon the Cat warned him so he could be ready. Clever cat and clever cat squirrels.

(Transcriptionist: Nope.)

This is a terrible danger to the world of bulldogs. Cats on the ground and on top of furniture, counters, washing machines, and pianos. And cat squirrels jumping and climbing trees and fences, running, flying from tree to tree, not to mention scampering across rooftops like little scamps. And all in cahoots with each other.

Now more than ever I must hone my bulldog skills, especially flying.

(Transcriptionist: Since when is flying a bulldog skill?)

Stay alert, bulldogs! And you humans, too! I will keep you informed as the details of the cat/squirrel conspiracy unfold. Until then, I remain

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.