What Kind of Accent is That? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella.

Me:        No “Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges” this time?

Stella:    It goes without saying, though I will probably have to keep on saying it to remind everyone. Humans and bulldogs forget so easily.

Me:        What is the issue of the day?

Stella:    You talk funny.

Me:        I beg your pardon?

Stella:    Okay, I pardon you, but you still talk funny. And Tall Man does, too. You don’t sound like a lot of the people on television. I love television. Except for those weird black and white pictures of old humans from a long time ago. Scary. Humans can be ugly.

Me:        Yes, we can be, in more ways than one.

Stella:    So you should not take so many pictures of yourselves. Really scary.

Me:        Okay, thank you for pointing that out again, Stella. What about this talking funny business?

Stella:    Different humans sound different. And now I notice that different dogs sound different.

Me:        Different dogs?

Stella:    There was that dog I met who said he was from Co-lom-bee-yah. What the freak is that?

Me:        Don’t say ‘freak’, Stella. There is more than enough real cussing and fake cussing as it is in the world without bulldogs adding to it.

Stella:    Well, Mr. Co-lom-bee-yah did not understand the word ‘freak’ either. He did not understand anything that I said and I was speaking very plainly. So I want to know why I can understand some humans and some dogs and can’t understand others. Their words sound strange.

Me:        Are you telling me that dogs have different languages and accents the same way humans do?

Stella:    What? I don’t understand.

Me:        The way we pronounce words, the way we say them has to do with accents. The words we say are language. I am speaking English right now.

Stella:    What? Is English that ‘blah, blah, blah, blah” that we hear from you so often?

Me:        Oh, mercy.

Stella:    Now that sounds like that other dog I met, the one from Fran-sah. She said mer-see, mer-see, mer-see all the time. But it still didn’t sound like what you said.

Me:        Where are you meeting all these dogs from other countries?

Stella:    When I am just walking along, minding my own business. They shout at me. I wish I could answer them, but I don’t understand what they are saying. So I just say, What? It is my question for all dogs.

Me:        I had no idea that that is what we were hearing. I thought all dogs understood each other.

Stella:    If we did, we might not have so many fights.

Me:        You know what. That could be true of humans, too.

Stella:    We really need to write those human and dog dictionaries. It might straighten a bunch of problems out.

Me:        Or cause more.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bird Dogs – Can Dogs Fly? – Stella’s Blog

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Today’s subject – Bird dogs!

BIRD DOGS! I heard Lady Human talking about bird dogs so she knows about them, too! Dogs can fly! I always knew in my heart that we could. Well, some of us can anyway.

This makes me so happy that I am going to dance. Not fly. Not yet.

But now at least I know that dogs can fly. Imagine what it will be like to fly. I will take a running start – not too fast, of course. I am still a bulldog. When I get up to top speed, I will jump, just a little hop, and off the ground I’ll go and I will just keep going. Flying! A flying dog! That’ll be me!

Wait, Lady Human is saying something. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh.

Well, that’s disappointing. And here I got my hopes up and got excited, all for nothing.

Apparently, the humans are misusing their words again. I don’t even know why they invent words if they are not going to mean what they say.

She says that bird dogs are dogs that help hunters . No flying is involved, not by the dogs anyway.

Why don’t humans say what they mean and mean what they say? Stop it, people! This is why I like talking to dogs. Dogs are honest. Dogs are straightforward. Dogs don’t twist things around.

I suppose now Lady Human is going to tell me that a dragonfly is not a dragon. That a house fly does belong in the house. That a catfish is not a cat that fishes.

It makes me want to cry. I don’t know who to believe.

Humans and their confusing, inexplicable ways.  Why can’t they be more like us? No one ever misunderstands what a dog means.

What? Lady Human is speaking to me again. What do you mean dogs are hard to figure out? Nonsense! You are just not listening. Try harder. I know. Write a human dictionary for dogs and I will write dog dictionary for humans.

What? What do you mean pay for a transcriptionist? That is your job. You pay for things. That is your job, too.

Until next time, dear humans, I will keep trying to make communication between dogs and people plain. I want to make sure that when I ask for a treat, no one misunderstands me.

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Who Turned Off the Water?

Miss Sweetie has struck again.

Recently, she broke Doodlebug’s collar while he was still wearing it.

Yesterday, she did one better times 100. She bent the outdoor faucet in the patio – the very one that we use to fill the puppy pool.

How did she accomplish that? With her big bulldoggy mouth. I saw her out of the corner of my eye, but really thought nothing of it until I went to fill the chickens’ water jug. The faucet handle fought me. The pipe extending from the wall was bent – yes, actually bent. The metal pipe was bent.

I was able to get the water on, but I couldn’t turn it completely off without the leverage help of a screwdriver. Until it is fixed, off is how it will stay to avoid a major leak.

So why did she do it? She never paid no nevermind to the faucet before.

My firm belief is that she wanted to fill the puppy pool which sat right beneath the faucet and, having seen me turn the water on just about every day, she figured she could “handle” it herself.  Sort of like her brother does when he uses his talented paws to pull the backdoor handle down and let himself in.

Smart dogs. Scary smart.

Of course, now Miss Sweetie has temporarily lost access to the object of her desire. She is the bulldog most in love with the puppy pool and we have no other access to water in the fenced area of the yard. I feel like putting up a sad face here.

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So what have I learned from this?

  1. Monitor Miss Sweetie around all plumbing fixtures. She can break ‘em, but she can’t fix ‘em.
  1. Be careful what I let her see me do or I may come around a corner some day to find her on her way out the door with my car keys in her mouth. (Warning: she is not licensed to drive.)
  1. Before I put my hand to something I don’t understand or blow my mouth off about things I don’t really know, stop. Think. Pray. Get understanding. Why let ignorance break the very thing I am trying to use?

“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.”   (Proverbs 4:7 KJV)

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.