Dangerous Phrases – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans are the silliest creatures I know, sillier even than squirrels and that is saying a lot.

Me:        Why are we silly now?

Stella:    I heard what you said earlier.

Me:        I said a lot of things earlier. Nobody listened.

Stella:    You said one thing that everybody heard.

Me:        Oh, yeah. But that was just gibberish.

Stella:    Don’t call Bulldoggese gibberish!

Me:        I said, “Wah! Wah! Waaahhh!” It was a joke.

Stella:    And did you see what happened when you said it?

Me:        Wiggles, Snoopey, and Miss Sweetie jumped to their feet. Do you mean…

Stella:    They heard, “Get up!” So, they got up.

Me:        But you, Doodlebug, and Tiger didn’t move. You didn’t bat an eye.

Stella:    I batted an eye. I just didn’t get up. I didn’t want to.

Me:        Bulldoggy.

Stella:    Always.

Me:        I didn’t know what I was saying. I was just making a funny noise.

Stella:    Be careful of your funny noises, Lady Human. In Bulldoggese, you may be telling us to take over your human kingdom.

Me:        But you wouldn’t try to do that, would you?

Stella:   Mmmm.

Me:        Stella?

Stella:    Hmmm.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Human Barking – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am in charge here. Whatever that horrible noise is, stop it now!

Snoopey: It sounds like a fake bulldog.

Stella:    It must stop! Now everybody is barking at it! Agghh! Now Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie are barking at each other! Wiggles! What are you barking at?

Wiggles:  Everybody else is barking. So…me, too!

Stella:    What started this?

Me:        It must have been me. I was gargling.

Stella:    Why would you do such a horrible thing? What is gargling and how can it be stopped?

Me:        It’s like juggling water in the back of my throat. It may help me get my whole voice back sooner.

Stella:    Wait! You found your voice? Was it in the back yard as I thought? Anyway, can you juggle the water in your throat someplace where it won’t bother the bulldogs? You heard the eruption.

Me:        Maybe. Maybe not. I think they will hear me anywhere in the house.

Stella:    Gargling must be human barking.

Me:        I don’t think so. I think human barking would be…well, barking. Or yelling. Gargling may not have a dog correlation.

Stella:    Dog correlation? You are being confusing again, Lady Human. Is that another horrible noise that we will be forced to bark at?

Me:        Are you ever really forced to bark at anything? Isn’t barking something that you choose to do?

Stella:    Are you ever really forced to gargle, Lady Human? Isn’t gargling something that you choose to do?

Me:        But I don’t gargle every day. And I don’t yell every day. I don’t even bark every day.

Stella:    To each his own. Wait again! What is that?

Me:        Sirens.

Stella:    Very well, Pack. Barking may commence.

Tiger:     (barking)

Snoopey: (barking)

Wiggles: (barking)

Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie: (barking at each other)

Stella:    You may recommence your gargling noise, Lady Human. It makes no difference now.

 

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

A Sleep Deprived Bulldog is No Fun – Conversations with Stella

I am with Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge…

Stella:    Ahem.

Me:        Queen Stella…

Stella:    Thank you for setting …the record…straight. Ahhhhawwww.

Me:        Why are you yawning so much? Is it a dog thing?

Stella:    It is a tired dog thing.

Me:        But you sleep about 20 hours a day.

Stella:    Not lately. Haven’t you heard all the bulldog noise at night?

Me:        No. I must have slept through it.

Stella:    Lucky. Living in close quarters with bulldogs is hard.

Me:        Yeah, tell me about it.

Stella:    Okay.

Me:        Actually, that is a human expression that means you don’t have to tell me about it. I already know.

Stella:    Human expressions are stupid.

Me:        Agreed.

Stella:    With bulldogs, there is always snoring or farting or silly whining or barking.  How can anybody sleep under those conditions? And there are those weird noises at night and we wake up and bark to let you know in case there is a problem.

Me:        Yes, the warnings. Tall Man takes care of those. I seem to be able to sleep through them. I guess I’ve gotten used to them.

Stella:    Because you are a bulldog human.

Me:        So how can we make sure that you get more sleep?

Stella:    Earplugs against the barking and whining and snoring. And nose plugs against the bad smells.

Me:        I don’t think that’s a good idea. I have a feeling that you would end up trying to eat those earplugs and nose plugs, bulldog style.

Stella:    Only if they smell good and taste good.

Me:        So only if they are stinky and taste like garbage, right?

Stella:    Is there a problem with that?

Me:        A human problem, yes. Look, I will try to keep the nighttime bulldog disturbances to a minimum.

Stella:    I like it when you and I go camping, just the two of us. And we sleep in your little cloth house…

Me:        The tent?

Stella:    Yes, and you have lots of blankets and we eat stuff you bring and it is just the two of us. And it is quiet.

Me:        Quiet, yes, except for big rigs rolling down the highway and except for coyotes baying all night long as they go hunting.

Stella:    Wait. What? I don’t remember that. I didn’t hear that. Coyotes?

Me:        Yes. I stayed awake part of the night, listening.

Stella:    I had no idea.

Me:        You slept soundly all night long.

Stella;    What about you?

Me:        I slept and I awakened and I listened. That was my job.

Stella:    I had no idea.

Me:        Yes, that was your job.

Stella:   S0 it appears that we have been watching out for each other.

Me:        It would appear so.

Stella:    Thank you, Lady Human.

Me:        Thank you, Stella.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stella’s Blog – Why Are Humans Crazy?

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello!

Today’s question: Why are humans crazy?

I wish I understood humans better. Not just their long words that don’t translate into bulldoggese, but why they keep bringing in weird stuff that is scary.

The vacuum I understand. It is loud and annoying, but I now know that it will not suck me in. The humans use it to clean up dog hair. Dog hair is not a problem, but it is the humans’ time to waste so I don’t interfere.

The little round boxes that make a false wind are not a problem anymore either. They make us feel cooler and the wind is never strong enough to knock anything down. I will allow them to stay.

Then there are all the strange, loud things that Tall Man does outside. Roaring and sawing and banging. Buzzing that sounds like a giant bee. (Oh, no! Not giant insects! Not again! If we are really quiet, maybe they will go away.)

And now, the latest horror. A LONG RED POLE with a SPONGE attached to one end. Why is that so frightening? I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT IS!

How would you like it if a long red stick with a sponge showed up in your home and someone started dipping it in water and pushing it around the floor? Exactly! You wouldn’t like it at all. We sure didn’t. We barked and yelped and told it to leave. We didn’t care that Tall Man was the one pushing it. The awful pole with the sponge had fooled him into bringing into the house. I don’t know what it was up to, what its evil plan was, but all the bulldogs agreed that it needed to leave.

Of course, Moon the Cat was no help, as usual. She slept through the whole thing or pretended to. She may have planned the whole thing. How do we know what she is doing when she is out of sight?

How can we bulldogs stop these frightening things from happening? How long will the humans bring crazy, scary things into the house?

Well, at least things have settled down…wait, what is that in Tall Man’s hands? It is a LONG GREEN POLE with a SAW on the end of it. Humans! Will the nightmare never end?

 

Have a nice day!

 

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.