Shut Your Mouth! A Bug Might Fly In – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The air has turned warm. Spring has covered the trees with leaves. The sky is clear, sometimes. Everything smells wonderful and…ploof…spew…blegh! Aaaghh!

Me:        And flies. Flies enjoy warm weather, too.

Stella:    Where did it go? Let me at it! Snap! Snap!

Me:        You don’t really want to eat a fly, do you?

Stella:    Eat? No! Smoosh in my big bulldog mouth? Yes! Oh, it’s too fast. And it can fly. Hey, is that why humans call them ‘flies’?

Me:        Could be.

Stella:    Why should flies be allowed to ruin my springtime fun?

Me:        With warmer weather come insects. They have been waiting their turn.

Stella:    Get rid of them. They are buzzing my face. They are trying to invade my mouth.

Me:        Keep your mouth shut then.

Stella:    Easy for you to say. I’m a bulldog.

Me:        They are not flying into my mouth because I don’t let my mouth hang open.

Stella:    They are not flying into your mouth because you barely have a mouth. I have never understood how humans can shovel enough food into their tiny mouths to stay alive.

Me:        Well, at least we don’t have flies using our tongues as landing strips.

Stella:    Wait! Look! There’s a big one. Come on, fella! Right over here! And… SNAP! Awwwggghh! Missed! Don’t fly away! Come back here, you coward!

Me:        Escaping from a bulldog’s open mouth. Is that cowardice or uncommon good sense for a fly?

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Scent-seeing: Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges…no, that didn’t come out right. I am Illustrious. The bulldogs are…well, bulldogs which is pretty special but not necessarily Illustrious. Anyway, I am back to answer Lady Human’s latest silly question.

Me:        Silly? I beg your pardon!

Stella:    Oh, Lady Human, you don’t have to beg me. I pardon you anyway. What is your silly question?

Me:        Without agreeing that it is silly, I was wondering why Tiger spent so much time walking around the yard today. She’s been out there thousands of times. She surely knows every square inch of it by now. What else is there to see?

Stella:    There you go again, showing your human ignorance and prejudices. It’s not what there is to see; it’s what there is to smell. We read the world by scent the way you read the annoying little boxes you carry around in your hands. The smells change every moment. All it takes is a fresh breeze to blow a new odor across our path. Then our brains kick into motion and we become bulldog detectives like that Sherlock Bones.

Me:        Holmes.

Stella:    Isn’t that what I said?

Me:        Never mind.

Stella:    Humans don’t appreciate how much time it takes to sort out all the scents that penetrate our intelligent noses. Other dogs, for example, and the things they leave behind. It’s like reading what you humans call ‘the news’.

Squirrels and their nut collections. Selfish little pecan thieves! They make me so mad! Leave some for the rest of us!

Raccoons which, by the way, smell a lot like a human garbage can to me – interesting and appetizing. I sometimes understand why Wiggles is a trash diver. And then there are other times that I think, naw, yuck!

And, of course, there are the rats and mice and slugs and insects. Oh, those roaches you hate so much, guess what? They stink like garbage, too. I suppose you end up smelling like what you hang around with.

Me:        Thanks for letting me know. I do not engage in cockroach sniffing.

Stella:    I know, Lady Human. I am so sorry for you, you and your inadequate human nose. There are so many stinks that you will never enjoy. You’ll just have to take my word for that.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Conversations with Stella – Peace Talks, Part 2

Here we are – again. With me is Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge and today we will attempt to stay on topic:

What the Freak Can We Do to Bring Peace Back into Our House?

Stella:    We talked about that yesterday.

Me:        Only briefly. Mostly we got stuck on the subject of giant insects.

Stella:    I am totally opposed to peace talks with giant insects. No peace talks with them, not now, not ever.

Me:        I apologize for Stella. Once she gets an idea in her head, in true bulldog fashion, she doesn’t let go. Back to topic, how do we resolve the conflict between Tiger and Snoopey and between the bulldogs and Moon the cat?

Stella:    As I said before, get rid of the other dogs.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    Get rid of the cat.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    You and I go away on a long trip by ourselves and let them work things out.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    Not camping. An air-conditioned hotel, long walks on the beach, treats, that sort of thing.

Me:        Nope.

Stella:    Tall Man can take care of the others. He won’t mind.

Me:        Not the point.

Stella:    You are right. Short walks on the beach. I don’t like long walks.

Me:        Again, not the point. Look, is it possible for you to talk to Tiger about the Snoopey issue, dog to dog?

Stella:    Teenagers don’t listen. Ask again in a few months. Tiger is all “I know everything. Don’t tell me what to do. Is it hot to you all in here? I feel like running. Watch me jump.” Listening is not strong with that one.

Me:        A short term solution then?

Stella:    Do what you tried this morning. Offer her a treat every time she comes inside and you want her to ignore Snoopey. It worked.

Me:        Oh, you saw that? I thought you were asleep.

Stella:    You had a treat in your hand. I can never be too soundly asleep to miss the scent of a treat floating around. Only when you do that with Tiger, give me a treat at the same time, just to keep the peace.

Me:        Hah! Just you? What about the others?

Stella:    They can make their own deals.

Me:        Treats are supposed to be earned.

Stella:    I earn a treat by my silence. You don’t know how hard it is to keep myself from barking at Tiger when she is acting like a jerk. And Tiger earns her treat when she comes in and doesn’t pick a fight with Snoopey. You don’t know how hard it is for Tiger not to act like a jerk.

Me:        And the cat chasing? How do we stop that?

Stella:    Why would we stop that?

Me:        Because it is loud, disruptive, and disorderly.

Stella:    And loads of fun and excitement. We’re running. And the cat’s running. And we’re jumping up on the furniture and knocking stuff over and the cat is on top of stuff and under stuff and behind stuff and everybody’s barking like mad…oh, I see.

Me:        We’ll keep talking about that. And your idea about a vacation is not a bad one. Maybe we can do that sometime.

Stella:    Only we have to go to a place where there are no giant insects!

Me:        That shouldn’t be too hard to find.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.