The Horrifying Inventions of Humans – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am Illustrious and Noble. They are not.

Snoopey: I heard that!

Tiger:     So did I!

Me:        If I were you, Stella, I’d go light on the comparisons.

Stella:    I am telling the truth and nothing but the truth.

Me:        Well, truth and opinion can get twisted up and truth can sting so…

Stella:    AAAAGGHHH! Don’t look! It’s back!

Me:        What? Where?

Stella:    The Picture Box! Look! No, don’t look!

Me:        It’s just in menu mode for recordings. A bunch of lines – blue, black, and white. Some words. No zombies.

Stella:    It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Take it away!

Me:        Okay, click and click. There! It’s gone. But why does it scare you? It is literally only lines and words.

Stella:    Lines like bars. And words! I can’t read, Lady Human! Are the words evil? What do the words say?

Me:        You don’t have to be afraid. The words aren’t evil. They are listings for shows. They won’t hurt you and the lines are not real bars. They are images on a screen.

Stella:    Horrible. Horrible. Why do humans make horrible things?

Me:        I would have thought that zombies would be scarier.

Stella:    At least zombies look like ugly, hideous humans. Humans I am used to, even ugly ones.

Me:        I still don’t understand why lines and words on a screen cause you to cringe.

Stella:    Can you explain your fears? Why do some things frighten you but are of no matter to others?

Me:        What can I do to help?

Stella:    Simple. Turn the frickin’ Picture Box off.



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Curfew Breaker – Conversations with Stella

Hello! I am Illustrious Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges. Yay me!

Me:        Yay you!

Stella:    You stayed out too late last night, Lady Human. You must never do that again. Now you must stay inside with us as soon as the sun goes to bed.

Me:        I beg your pardon?

Stella:    Yes, do beg my pardon.

Me:        Excuse me, but…

Stella:    You are excused…

Me:        No.

Stella:    You are not excused? Okay.

Me:        No, I mean I am not taking orders from bulldogs on how long I can stay out at night. I am an adult human. I have no curfew. And I wasn’t even away from home. I was talking to a neighbor out back.

Stella:    You were gone so long. We were waiting to go to bed and there was no one to tuck us in and it was so lonely.

Me:        You could have visited among yourselves.

Stella:    That’s no fun. Tiger is always grumbling to me and Wiggles is always saying something dumb. What were you talking to a neighbor about way into the dark night? Oh, no! It wasn’t about that election nonsense thing again, was it?

Me:        Well, actually…

Stella:    NOOOO!!! There isn’t going to be another one of those debate nonsense things again, is there? With the loud humans talking, talking, talking! Blah! Blah! Blah! And never knowing when to stop!

Me:        Well, as a matter of fact…but just one more. You can sit with me in a quiet place. I am not watching or listening to it.

Stella:    But you will talk about it and Tall Man will watch it because he can’t help himself just like that show with the ugly dead zombie monsters staggering around. Wait! Is that going to be on the Picture Box, too?

Me:        The Walking Dead? Yes, in a few more days.

Stella:    NOOOO!!! Election monsters and zombie monsters!!! Where can I go to hide?

Me:        I don’t know, but if you find a place, come and get me.



Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella’s Blog – The Right to Bark

I am Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge. Once again, hello!

Today I must address a human hypocrisy. Dogs recognize when something is unfair. If you want to see an example of unfair, here it is. My humans say that they have the right to speak freely. They talk about freedom of speech all the time. Then why don’t dogs have the same right?

I know that I have reported (not complained, mind you, simply reported) about the inane barking of the others in my pack. I am not arguing that they have the right to bark. They don’t. I have the right to bark.

 I also claim the right to whine, cry, yawn loudly, howl, sing, or make whatever noise I like when I like, even farting. (It is not speech, but I am a bulldog and it is a form of my self-expression. I refuse to be embarrassed by it, so there!)

And furthermore, like the humans, I don’t have to explain myself or my reasons for being noisy nor do I have to apologize. They don’t apologize for talking through one of my naps. They don’t apologize for playing loud, ugly, scary sounds on television. (Between you and me, I don’t care to hear any more zombies growling. See! Even zombies have more free speech rights than dogs do.)

Humans never stop talking, so why am I supposed to be quiet?

Lady Human says that it matters what you say and it matters how you say it.

So when do I get my turn. I don’t even like barking that much. My bark is screechy compared to Snoopey’s and Tiger’s voices.  My opinion still matters.

I am standing up for the right of me to bark. My voice will be heard!

I will bark when I am tired. (Well, maybe not. That takes a lot of energy and you know, tired.)

I will bark when I am bored. (No, that’s even more boring.)

I will bark when there are sirens. (Oh, what’s the point? Sirens hurt my ears, but so does my barking.)

I will bark when other dogs bark. (What will I say? BE QUIET!!!)

Oh, eventually I will find something to bark about. Meanwhile, I will ask my transcriptionist to keep typing my blog. It is quieter and won’t disturb anyone’s sleep, even mine.

What will I say when the time comes? Something good, I hope.

“…for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.”  (Luke 6:45 KJV)

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges


©2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.