Weather for Ducks – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. A couple of days ago, the sky cried all night. It rained cats and squirrels.

Me:   I believe that the expression is ‘it rained cats and dogs’.

Stella:   Nonsense, Lady Human! Dogs would never be so foolish as to get caught up in the sky just to fall to the ground. Where was I? Oh, yes. The ground was a shallow lake. The humans say that it was great weather for ducks. And Lady Human wants us to go out in this mess because she refuses to build us a bathroom in the house. What do we look like? Ducks?

Me:        It’s not raining anymore.

Stella:    Did the sky run out of tears?

Me:        Sort of.

Stella:    Then what were those water drops that kept falling from the sky?

Me:        Those were drips from the trees. And from the roof. And condensation from the fog.

Stella:    So, rain leftovers. The ground is still soaking wet. My precious toes deserve better.

Me:        Think of it as a mud bath for your feet. Some humans pay a lot of money for that sort of treatment.

Stella:    All humans know how to waste their time. They should go outside here and try our cold mud. Take your shoes off, Lady Human, and dip your toes. Sticky. Mucky. Dirty toenails. The whole package in seconds. Enjoy.

Me:        Mmmm, no. But the fact remains – you all need to go out. Bathroom break.

Stella:    Only when the trees stop weeping. Only when the dirt stops swimming.

Me:        Can you hold out that long?

Stella:    Mmmm, well…now that I think about it…NO! Outta my way! Time to make another puddle!

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Leave It Outside – Stella’s Blog

I, Stella McStarFace the First, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby issue this edict:

 To All Olde English Bulldogges within the sound of my voice:

The following shall from henceforth be left outside the house (Personally, I don’t care what you bring in. Lady Human told me I had to talk to you all about this.)

 POOP – No matter how good it smells to you, it smells bad to the humans; therefore, no poop is to be deposited or brought inside. I mean, really? Do I have to say this? My fellow bulldogs, you know that poop belongs outside – always! If you find poop attractive (which to me is unbelievable), go ahead and sniff at it, but DON’T NOT PICK IT UP. LEAVE IT OUTSIDE!

 STICKS – You do not know where that stick has been. It is dead and fell off of a tree. The tree didn’t want it. Why do you? It may contain ants or (yuck!) spiders. The humans have given you tough chew toys. Gratitude, bulldogs! Don’t chew junk when you have better.

 MUD – Wipe your paws on the outdoor step. If the puppy pool is full of water, rinse your feet in there and do not return to the dirty yard before you go inside. Why should your paws prints be all over the floor. I have to walk there, too.

 ROTTEN CHICKEN EGGS – Don’t let the chickens fool you. If the egg were any good, they would not be shoving it in your direction. They are laughing at you, bulldogs. That’s what that cackling sound is.

 PERSONAL CONFLICTS – Lady Human insisted that I address this particular problem. Apparently, this is not something you can carry in your mouth although she says that our mouths are part of the problem. If you don’t like another bulldog, LEAVE IT OUTSIDE! We all have to live together. That means NO FIGHTING! If another bulldog ticks you off, so what? Nobody gets along with everyone else all the time. LEAVE IT OUTSIDE! It would be better for everyone if you just forgot about it and came in the house peaceable, ready to eat, drink, and enjoy toys and treats.

 In conclusion, Lady Human asked that I put this in my edict. It is the Great Creator’s desire that we all live in peace. She says that humans struggle with this as well.

 “Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.” Psalm 34:14 KJV

 “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18 KJV

Signed, Queen Stella

 

 Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

You Call That Art?

Dog art. Not art about dogs. Art by dogs. I saw a piece today in our backyard.

The canvas was a sheet of white corrugated plastic. The medium? Good old Texas black clay gumbo – not the eating kind, the dirty, muddy kind. The artist?  A bulldog that has chosen to remain anonymous for now.

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Of course, I know how it happened.  Yet another thunderstorm from an ominous sky turned bright afternoon to evening shadow and deluged the yard, forming a tiny temporary pond near the house. The bulldog artist, whichever one it was, inspired no doubt by the muck left behind when the rainwater seeped away, placed two firm hind feet in the goo and kicked backward, slinging the mud onto the unsuspecting board.

It was an excellent effort in the style of Jackson Pollock if Jackson Pollock had been a bulldog.

At first, I was a little concerned that the dog art resulted from “who flung poo?” rather than “who kicked mud?” Closer visual and nasal examination answered my question and kept me from grabbing the nearest hose. It would have been a shame to destroy such a fine first effort by a budding bulldog artiste.

What will become of the masterpiece? Someone will probably want to use the corrugated board for a human project and human projects preempt all others. Or it may melt away as early as the next thunderstorm. Or the bulldogs themselves may knock it over and destroy it in a joyful frenzy of bulldoggy performance art.

 

Which dog “painted” with mud? Probably not Stella even though she is a consistent back kicker. She is not a mud stomper. Wiggles loves mud but for rolling in, not throwing around.  I am guessing it was Tiger just from the size of the paw prints. She has the largest feet and this dog artist used very big brushes.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Stella’s Blog – No Barking at Breakfast

Hello! I am Stella, Queen (Yes, QUEEN) of the Olde English Bulldogges. Welcome once again to my blog. I like blogging because I have much to say on every subject, even subjects I know nothing about.

The sky has been crying a lot. Rain, the humans call it. But I am dry and comfortable. Why? Because I do not dance in the water like Miss Sweetie and Doodlebug. They are silly puppies and come back in the house painted with mud and who knows what else. I am dignified and all grown up and…oh, what’s that? The cat is running and I must catch her!  Aaaagghh! I slid on the floor. Missed chance! Where was I? Ah, I am a dignified grown-up and I don’t do silly things.

Which is why I want to complain about barking at breakfast.

I like a nice, quiet morning. Breakfast comes after outdoor potty time (take note, Miss Sweetie – outdoor potty time. There is no official indoor potty time ever.) Lady Human calls our food time “The Hallelujah Breakfast Club” and she eats with us. Not the same food  out of our bowls. I would not like that. Everybody, stay out of my bowl! I don’t want your dirty mouths in it. That goes double for Lady Human. I have no idea what humans eat or chew on. I don’t even want to think about it.

I have noted way too much loud bulldog talk during breakfast. Tiger is the biggest loudmouth. If I can wait patiently for my bowl to be filled, why can’t you,Tiger? And Doodlebug does not have to put his five pennies in either.

(Pause for consultation with transcriptionist)

 Two cents. I have been informed that the human expression is two cents. Very well. Two cents. It sounded more like five to me.

The point is they have nothing to say and it is too early to be listening to loud noises. Barking should be used for emergencies only, such as strangers, hurry up bathroom runs, Moon the Cat, and singing the song of our people.

So please, everyone, dogs and people, keep the barking down in the mornings. The only sound that we should hear is bulldog mouths chomping our food. Humans may stay if they eat silently.

Thank you for your kind attention. That is all.

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.