Mud Baths – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        I have a question.

Stella:    Interruptions, interruptions. Constant human disruptions.

Me:        Have you gotten into rhymes?

Stella:    I haven’t gotten into anything today except mud, which, by the way, I would appreciate you cleaning up.

Me:        Wash your feet? Sure, I can…

Stella:    No, I took care of my own feet, thank you very much. I mean I would appreciate you cleaning up the mud outside.

Me:        I think that is a little outside my abilities. We will just wait for the dry air and the sun to do their jobs.

Stella:    I ask for a simple favor and what do I get? Nothing. Typical.

Me:        You want me, little old me, to clean up all the mud outside?

Stella:    Well put. Of course, you are not THAT little, Lady Human.

Me:        The whole ground is made up of dirt. You add water like the rain we had this morning. Result? Mud.

Stella:    Let me see if I understand. Rain, also known as sky water, plus dirt, also known as…dirt, equals mud, also known as yucky dirt.

Me:        That’s about it.

Stella:    And you are a human and can, therefore, do anything, yet you refuse to do a small thing like clean up the muddy mess outside.

Me:        Let’s go back over the whole human thing. Humans cannot…I repeat for the umpteenth time, CANNOT do just anything, period.

Stella:    Nonsense. I see you do the most extraordinary things all the time. What is a little mud?

Me:        How do you expect me to dry up mud instantly?

Stella:    Simple. Use your big human mouth to blow the dirt dry.

Me:        I thought you bulldogs were the ones with the big mouths.

Stella:    Now you are just being insulting. We would never waste our breath on such a dirty job.



Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Potty Mouths – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby decree that potty mouths will no longer be tolerated in my kingdom which includes the hallway, the utility room, the kitchen, the den, and, of course, the human bathrooms.

Me:        Potty mouths?

Stella:    Is that not the correct human term?

Me:        It is a human term, but what do you mean by it?

Stella:    Touching nasty things with your mouth and thereby getting a dirty mouth. Isn’t that the human meaning?

Me:        Not exactly. Potty mouth to us has more to do with what comes out of our mouths than what goes into them.

Stella:    That, too! Have you seen Sweetie’s water bowl today? That dirt didn’t just jump in there all by itself. Bottom line, no more potty mouths. Bulldogs, if you see something on the floor, that is not an invitation to eat it. Only eat food. That will save a lot of trouble right there.

Tiger:     What if it smells good?

Stella:    Is it food?

Tiger:     No.

Stella:    Then don’t eat it.

Snoopey:   What if it smells bad and, therefore, smells good?

Stella:    Is it food?

Snoopey:   Probably not.

Stella:    Snoopey, really?

Snoopey:   Just checking.

Doodlebug:   What if food falls on the floor? Because I’m eating that no matter what.

Stella:    Food on the floor is all right to eat.

Miss Sweetie:    Food on the floor and blobs of dirt outside look the same to me. Can I still eat blobs of dirt?

Stella:    Sweetie, are blobs of dirt food?

Miss Sweetie:   They are if I eat them.

Stella:    Aaaaggghhh! Sweetie, that’s what is adding to the potty mouth situation. Don’t eat dirt and your water bowls will be cleaner. Look at my bowl. There is hardly ever any dirt in it.

Wiggles:   Why should we care? We don’t have to clean our bowls. Lady Human does that. If our bowls are always clean, what will she have to do?

Stella:    I can always find something else.




Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Big Dirty Mouths

When I was a kid, a “dirty mouth” only meant one thing and it had nothing to do with brushing your teeth or swishing with mouthwash. A dirty mouth could earn you a bar of soap, but not for a shower or bath.

Our bulldogs have big dirty mouths, the kind that deposit pieces of stick, bark, and regular old dirt in their water bowls, on our pants legs, knees, ankles, arms, and, if at all possible, on bare feet and toes. Feet and toes are the best.

When the human feet aren’t bare, they are even more attractive. Then the big dirty mouths play “Snatch the Shoe”. Five points are awarded for each shoe taken directly off of a human’s foot, only two points for a shoe picked up off the floor (less of a challenge).  If the big dirty bulldog mouth makes it out the door with a shoe, add three extra points for effort. Unless immediate chase is given, the poor shoe may never be seen in its original form again.

I don’t chew on sticks or bark. I don’t recall ever spooning dirt into my mouth – well, maybe when I was very young. I do remember sucking on some pretty weeds that tasted like lemon juice, but my parents made me stop when my doctor told them that the pretty weeds were making me sick. I guess I did have a little bit of bulldog in me back in those days. The bulldogs love to eat grass and weeds, but they are smarter than I was. They never seem to get sick from their delicacies.

The big dirty mouths of humans carry more harm than the big dirty mouths of bulldogs. Our mouths spew filth and harm that can’t be washed away with clean water and a toothbrush.

Jesus said that what comes out of our mouths carries more importance than what goes in. (Mark 7:15)

“…for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.” Luke 6:45 KJV

By comparison, I think the bulldogs have an easier time keeping their mouths clean.


Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.