Potty Mouths – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby decree that potty mouths will no longer be tolerated in my kingdom which includes the hallway, the utility room, the kitchen, the den, and, of course, the human bathrooms.

Me:        Potty mouths?

Stella:    Is that not the correct human term?

Me:        It is a human term, but what do you mean by it?

Stella:    Touching nasty things with your mouth and thereby getting a dirty mouth. Isn’t that the human meaning?

Me:        Not exactly. Potty mouth to us has more to do with what comes out of our mouths than what goes into them.

Stella:    That, too! Have you seen Sweetie’s water bowl today? That dirt didn’t just jump in there all by itself. Bottom line, no more potty mouths. Bulldogs, if you see something on the floor, that is not an invitation to eat it. Only eat food. That will save a lot of trouble right there.

Tiger:     What if it smells good?

Stella:    Is it food?

Tiger:     No.

Stella:    Then don’t eat it.

Snoopey:   What if it smells bad and, therefore, smells good?

Stella:    Is it food?

Snoopey:   Probably not.

Stella:    Snoopey, really?

Snoopey:   Just checking.

Doodlebug:   What if food falls on the floor? Because I’m eating that no matter what.

Stella:    Food on the floor is all right to eat.

Miss Sweetie:    Food on the floor and blobs of dirt outside look the same to me. Can I still eat blobs of dirt?

Stella:    Sweetie, are blobs of dirt food?

Miss Sweetie:   They are if I eat them.

Stella:    Aaaaggghhh! Sweetie, that’s what is adding to the potty mouth situation. Don’t eat dirt and your water bowls will be cleaner. Look at my bowl. There is hardly ever any dirt in it.

Wiggles:   Why should we care? We don’t have to clean our bowls. Lady Human does that. If our bowls are always clean, what will she have to do?

Stella:    I can always find something else.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

When Stressed, Chew on a Dinosaur – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, the Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but none of that matters right now. I am stressed out; therefore, I am chewing on a dinosaur that Lady Human gave me. There is nothing like chewing on a dinosaur to take your mind off your problems.

Me:        And what problems are those, Stella?

Stella:    The neighbor’s dogs barked most of the afternoon. So, of course, we barked. Someone (I assume they were human) kept coming by, probably to sell stuff. Sirens kept going off in the distance. And you were nowhere to be found, Lady Human. Nowhere. To. Be. Found. Whyyyy?

Me:        I was running household errands. They don’t run themselves.

Stella:    Why ever not?

Me:        Physical things must be purchased and picked up physically. Not all things can be done online.

Stella:    Now you are talking nonsense. What is ‘online’? Is that even a place? Why must things be picked up ‘physically’. Why can’t those people who come by selling stuff all the time bring the stuff you need ‘physically’? Whyyyy?

Me:        Let me give you an example. We had only enough dog food to last two more days.

Stella:    What? No!!! I told you not ever to let that happen again!

Me:        We don’t pick up new food until the old food is almost out. That way the dog food stays fresher in the trash can.

Stella:    Trash can! No!!! Why do you put our food in a trash can? Nasty!!!

Me:        It is a clean metal trash can that has only been used to store dog food. Without it, your food might experience…visitors.

Stella:    Visitors? No!!! What sort of visitors?

Me:        You don’t want to know. Stella, stop screaming at everything I say.

Stella:    Everything you say? No!!!

Me:        Stella!

Stella:    Oh, okay.

Me:        Today I physically had to go pick up y’all’s dog food. That’s 3 fifty pound bags of dog food.

Stella:    Like three of me.

Me:        Right. Exactly. Three Stellas worth. Plus 50 pounds of chicken feed. And three pounds of parakeet food.

Stella:    Chickens. Who cares? They can eat bugs. Parakeet, schmarakeet. So what?

Me:        I pick up all three types of food at the same feed store. One trip. Three errands done.

Stella:    Then why were you gone so long?

Me:        I was gone for two hours. And remember, humans have to eat, too.

Stella:    It freaked me…us…out.

Me:        So it’s good to have a dinosaur to chew on.

Stella:    A dinosaur, yes. And those 3 Stellas worth of dog food. Don’t forget that.

Me:        But that’s for everybody.

Stella:    Get another metal can for the others. The queen deserves her own stash.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.