The Gifts of Secret Friends – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and…

Me:        I have an announcement and some questions.

Stella:    Typical.

Me:        For the cat.

Stella:    You are asking a cat questions? Total waste of time. If I were you, Lady Human, I would start with the announcement.

Me:        This morning at breakfast…

Stella:    Yes, breakfast was incredibly slow this morning.

Me:        Thank you for noticing, Stella. The reason for the delay is that someone had cut a slit into the new bag of dog food and I had to deal with the literal fallout.

Stella:    TALL MAN! Blame him! He’s not here!

Me:        No, this bag weighs 50 pounds. Tall Man would not have cut the bag in the center. He would have opened it from the top and, if he needed to cut it, he would have used a knife which would have made a neat, clean cut. This cut was only a few inches long and slightly jagged.

Stella:    Don’t look at me.

Me:        I’m not. There were a number of pokes on the bag, from something small and sharp. Like something kept hitting it. I suspect you, Moon the Cat.

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Stella:    J’accuse!

Me:        Wait! What?

Stella:    I heard it on the Picture Box. It’s a human word for when you want to yell at somebody.

Me:        I see. Well, Moon, did you cut the dogfood bag open with your claws?

Moon:  Meow.

Stella:    You see. I told you. Typical. Cats won’t answer a straight question with a straight answer.

Me:        She could be saying, ‘Yes’. My understanding of cat is not that good.

Stella:    Why in the world would she open the bag? She doesn’t eat that food. And a good thing for her, too!

Me:        You saw where the bag was.

Stella:    On the floor by Snoopey’s crate.

Me:        And I had noticed a great interest by the bulldogs, except for you, right by Snoopey’s crate the past few days.

Stella:    Sneaky little cat! She opened it for her secret friend, Snoopey! That means…that makes…Aaaaghh! Snoopey is a traitor to bulldogs everywhere!

Me:        She may not have chosen this friend. This friend may have chosen her.

Stella:    A cat? I refuse to believe it. That cat wants something. Why else the bribe? Admit it, Moon! You are trying to get bulldog favor, buying it with the best of all bulldog bribes – food! What have you to say for yourself?

Moon the Cat:   Meow.

Stella:    Typical!

 

 

 

Copyright 2018 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Potty Mouths – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby decree that potty mouths will no longer be tolerated in my kingdom which includes the hallway, the utility room, the kitchen, the den, and, of course, the human bathrooms.

Me:        Potty mouths?

Stella:    Is that not the correct human term?

Me:        It is a human term, but what do you mean by it?

Stella:    Touching nasty things with your mouth and thereby getting a dirty mouth. Isn’t that the human meaning?

Me:        Not exactly. Potty mouth to us has more to do with what comes out of our mouths than what goes into them.

Stella:    That, too! Have you seen Sweetie’s water bowl today? That dirt didn’t just jump in there all by itself. Bottom line, no more potty mouths. Bulldogs, if you see something on the floor, that is not an invitation to eat it. Only eat food. That will save a lot of trouble right there.

Tiger:     What if it smells good?

Stella:    Is it food?

Tiger:     No.

Stella:    Then don’t eat it.

Snoopey:   What if it smells bad and, therefore, smells good?

Stella:    Is it food?

Snoopey:   Probably not.

Stella:    Snoopey, really?

Snoopey:   Just checking.

Doodlebug:   What if food falls on the floor? Because I’m eating that no matter what.

Stella:    Food on the floor is all right to eat.

Miss Sweetie:    Food on the floor and blobs of dirt outside look the same to me. Can I still eat blobs of dirt?

Stella:    Sweetie, are blobs of dirt food?

Miss Sweetie:   They are if I eat them.

Stella:    Aaaaggghhh! Sweetie, that’s what is adding to the potty mouth situation. Don’t eat dirt and your water bowls will be cleaner. Look at my bowl. There is hardly ever any dirt in it.

Wiggles:   Why should we care? We don’t have to clean our bowls. Lady Human does that. If our bowls are always clean, what will she have to do?

Stella:    I can always find something else.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

When Stressed, Chew on a Dinosaur – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, the Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but none of that matters right now. I am stressed out; therefore, I am chewing on a dinosaur that Lady Human gave me. There is nothing like chewing on a dinosaur to take your mind off your problems.

Me:        And what problems are those, Stella?

Stella:    The neighbor’s dogs barked most of the afternoon. So, of course, we barked. Someone (I assume they were human) kept coming by, probably to sell stuff. Sirens kept going off in the distance. And you were nowhere to be found, Lady Human. Nowhere. To. Be. Found. Whyyyy?

Me:        I was running household errands. They don’t run themselves.

Stella:    Why ever not?

Me:        Physical things must be purchased and picked up physically. Not all things can be done online.

Stella:    Now you are talking nonsense. What is ‘online’? Is that even a place? Why must things be picked up ‘physically’. Why can’t those people who come by selling stuff all the time bring the stuff you need ‘physically’? Whyyyy?

Me:        Let me give you an example. We had only enough dog food to last two more days.

Stella:    What? No!!! I told you not ever to let that happen again!

Me:        We don’t pick up new food until the old food is almost out. That way the dog food stays fresher in the trash can.

Stella:    Trash can! No!!! Why do you put our food in a trash can? Nasty!!!

Me:        It is a clean metal trash can that has only been used to store dog food. Without it, your food might experience…visitors.

Stella:    Visitors? No!!! What sort of visitors?

Me:        You don’t want to know. Stella, stop screaming at everything I say.

Stella:    Everything you say? No!!!

Me:        Stella!

Stella:    Oh, okay.

Me:        Today I physically had to go pick up y’all’s dog food. That’s 3 fifty pound bags of dog food.

Stella:    Like three of me.

Me:        Right. Exactly. Three Stellas worth. Plus 50 pounds of chicken feed. And three pounds of parakeet food.

Stella:    Chickens. Who cares? They can eat bugs. Parakeet, schmarakeet. So what?

Me:        I pick up all three types of food at the same feed store. One trip. Three errands done.

Stella:    Then why were you gone so long?

Me:        I was gone for two hours. And remember, humans have to eat, too.

Stella:    It freaked me…us…out.

Me:        So it’s good to have a dinosaur to chew on.

Stella:    A dinosaur, yes. And those 3 Stellas worth of dog food. Don’t forget that.

Me:        But that’s for everybody.

Stella:    Get another metal can for the others. The queen deserves her own stash.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.