I am Stella Bella McStarFace ING (that’s Illustrious, Noble, and Great to you), Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…
Me: That is quite a mouthful.
Stella: I am a bulldog. I can handle it.
I, Queen Stella, on behalf of all my bulldogs, do hereby disclaim any and all responsibility and liability for damage by bulldog(s) to property that the humans foolishly leave around the house or in the yard. Humans, you knew that we were bulldogs when we arrived. If property is chewed, licked, destroyed, eaten, splintered, moved, slobbered on, used as a platform, used as a bed, pooped on, peed on, clawed, shredded, or otherwise bulldogged, be it on your own heads.
Me: Have you been talking to a lawyer? You are bringing this up because of the back door, aren’t you?
Stella: Back door? What back door?
Me: Yeah, that’s almost what happened.
Stella: Your fault. If you didn’t want it chewed or clawed, you should not have left it in front of a bulldog.
Me: A back door? There’s no other place to put a back door except…at the back door.
Stella: Your fault. Humans are clever beings. Find someplace else.
Me: And what about the fragmented gate and the broken boards on the fence?
Stella: Your fault. Who decided to build those things out of wood? Don’t you realize what a tempting and delicious target wood is for a bulldog?
Me: Humans say that whenever you point a finger at someone else, there are 4 fingers pointed back at you.
Stella: Silly humans. Look at my paw. Four toes all pointed the same direction. At you! Therefore, your fault!
Me: We are in the process of making repairs. Meanwhile, can you encourage the main chew hounds to stick with…well, anything that is not part of the structure of the house?
Stella: I will mention it. I make no promises. Why do we need a back door anyway?
Me: Raccoons, possums, skunks, rats. SQUIRRELS!
Stella: No! No squirrels in my house! Ever! Where is that back door? Is it shut? Is it locked? Is it guarded? Hey, bulldogs! Leave the back door alone! The humans may know what they are doing after all.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.