Shouldering Through – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human wants to make another of her useless announcements. I had rather take a nap.

Me:        Why ‘useless’?

Stella:    What part of bulldog don’t you understand?

Me:        I have noted a disturbing trend during the past week.

Stella:    Have you noticed that humans are getting more annoying?

Me:        No. Yes. No. Maybe.

Stella:    That’s the disturbing trend I have noticed.

Me:        I have noticed that the bulldogs, including you, oh Queen, have been rushing the doors to push through ahead of me with the result that you all are banging your shoulders into my legs and into the door. You won’t even let me get the door open before you slam your shoulders into it. And you know what that means?

Stella:    It means that you are not opening the doors quickly enough. Hurry up from now on. End of trend.

Me:        It means a traffic jam, and no one gets through until somebody backs up.

Stella:    And that somebody is you.

Me:        How about a little less rush? How about taking turns?

Stella:    Yes, I agree, Lady Human, that is exactly what you should do.





Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Blame Me! It’s the Human’s Fault – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella Bella McStarFace ING (that’s Illustrious, Noble, and Great to you), Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        That is quite a mouthful.

Stella:    I am a bulldog. I can handle it.

I, Queen Stella, on behalf of all my bulldogs, do hereby disclaim any and all responsibility and liability for damage by bulldog(s) to property that the humans foolishly leave around the house or in the yard. Humans, you knew that we were bulldogs when we arrived. If property is chewed, licked, destroyed, eaten, splintered, moved, slobbered on, used as a platform, used as a bed, pooped on, peed on, clawed, shredded, or otherwise bulldogged, be it on your own heads.

Me:        Have you been talking to a lawyer? You are bringing this up because of the back door, aren’t you?

Stella:    Back door? What back door?

Me:        Yeah, that’s almost what happened.

Stella:    Your fault. If you didn’t want it chewed or clawed, you should not have left it in front of a bulldog.

Me:        A back door? There’s no other place to put a back door except…at the back door.

Stella:    Your fault. Humans are clever beings. Find someplace else.

Me:        And what about the fragmented gate and the broken boards on the fence?

Stella:    Your fault. Who decided to build those things out of wood? Don’t you realize what a tempting and delicious target wood is for a bulldog?

Me:        Humans say that whenever you point a finger at someone else, there are 4 fingers pointed back at you.

Stella:    Silly humans. Look at my paw. Four toes all pointed the same direction. At you! Therefore, your fault!

Me:        We are in the process of making repairs. Meanwhile, can you encourage the main chew hounds to stick with…well, anything that is not part of the structure of the house?

Stella:    I will mention it. I make no promises. Why do we need a back door anyway?

Me:        Raccoons, possums, skunks, rats. SQUIRRELS!

Stella:    No! No squirrels in my house! Ever! Where is that back door? Is it shut? Is it locked? Is it guarded? Hey, bulldogs! Leave the back door alone! The humans may know what they are doing after all.



Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.





Conversations with Stella – The Battering Ram

Stella and I are hashing out one of my issues today, not that I expect to get far with it.

Stella:   What does that mean? “Get far with it.” Does that mean you are going on a camping trip far away? Noooo!!! Not without me! I hate camping. I still don’t understand why we do it, but I want to go if you are.

Me:        That’s so sweet, Stella!

Stella:   Not sweet. I get bored when you are not around.

Me:        Still sweet. I must be a little bit interesting if you get bored without me.

Stella:   You throw the bouncy toys in the yard.

Me:        You don’t like the bouncy toys.

Stella:   I know, but you make the effort anyway.

Me:        What about Tall Man?

Stella:   He is not a bouncy toy sort of human. He is a walk around sort of human. When you are not here, we just walk around, looking at stuff. Who needs to look at what we have already seen? And he won’t let us play the cat chasing game.

Me:        Ah, you admit it at last. It is all a game. It is not about catching the cat at all.

Stella:   Who would actually want to catch a cat? Yuck!

Me:        On to my question. When you come in from outside, why must you ram the door the second that I open it? You knock past me every time. Even when I get down close to your face and tell you to enter calmly, you blow in like the last thunderstorm, do your Stella Hop around the room, and only then do you settle down.

Stella:   I don’t understand the problem.

Me:        You hit the door like a battering ram. In fact, the ancient Romans could have used you on some of their military campaigns. I have tried to stop you. I set myself against the door and open it slowly and BAM! Here you come blasting in.

Stella:   I don’t understand the problem.

Me:        All the other bulldogs WALK through the door, sometimes a little fast, but still they walk in.

Stella:   When they walk in, they are not being bulldogs. I am a bulldog. I am Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges as I have made abundantly clear on many occasions. I don’t simply enter a room. I make my presence known. Everybody knows when Stella is in the building.

Me:        Could you maybe be a little less bulldoggy when you come in?

Stella:   Less bulldoggy? NEVER!

Me:        Well, you heard it from the dog’s mouth. Until next time, farewell from me and Stella the Battering Ram.

Stella:   Hmmph!  That’s Queen Stella to you, Lady Human! And do not forget it!

Me:        How could I?


Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.