“Humans make everything so complicated. Just eat!”
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Just Eat
Eat, Eat, And Eat Again! – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, Illustrious, Noble, and slightly ticked off. I eat once a day (not counting treats), sometimes twice a day if I don’t feel like finishing my breakfast all at one time. But Lady Human is another matter. She eats umpteen gillion times a day (yes, that is a number – a bulldog number) and she never offers me any.
Me: You eat exactly as much as is recommended for you. If I start giving you my food, there will be no end.
Stella: Of course not, because you never stop eating.
Me: Nonsense.
Stella: How many times a day do you eat?
Me: I refuse to be judged by a bulldog. Especially not by a bulldog with your fascination over food.
Stella: How many? How many? How many?
Me: Oh, all right. Stop hopping up and down. Well, there is breakfast.
Stella: And then?
Me: Second breakfast?
Stella: Like those cute Hobbits in that long, long movie with all the ugly orcs and that Ring that everybody just had to have. I understand. Sometimes one breakfast is simply not enough.
Me: Then lunch. And then a light snack, usually fruit. And after that, a high protein snack. And finally, supper.
Stella: Lady Human, for shame!
Me: I break my food consumption up into 6 small meals a day instead of 3 larger ones. It works well for me.
Stella: And what do you call your meal of cookies, brownies, cake, and candy?
Me: I don’t make a meal of that.
Stella: Uh-huh.
Me: I mean I may have some of that stuff once in a while, but it’s not a meal.
Stella: Uh-huh.
Me: It’s not!
Stella: Share with me when you decide to eat it next time.
Me: I can’t. It’s not healthy…
Stella: Ummm! Caught!
Me: Hey, there’s a lot of stuff that is healthy for me, that I can eat but you can’t – avocados, grapes, raisins, garlic, onions, chocolate…
Stella: Cookies, brownies, cake, candy.
Me: Why is it important to you what I eat?
Stella: I care.
Me: Stella, I’m touched. That is so sweet. You care.
Stella: Of course, I care. I will always care. Food. It’s what’s for supper.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
The Humans Are Hogging The Food – Conversations with Stella
I am Stella. Yes, I am Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but I am also their watchdog. I am here to report that humans are food hogs.
Me: I beg your pardon.
Stella: As indeed you should.
Me: What food are we humans hogging?
Stella: All of it except the little dabs that you put in our bowls.
Me: Again, I beg your pardon…
Stella: Be patient. I am still considering it.
Me: You each receive the same amount, the recommended amount so you are neither too fat nor too lean. So there.
Stella: Why is it that humans eat all day long and well into the night when we only get fed once a day? You have breakfast AND lunch AND supper AND a whole string of treats AND special drinks in addition to water. Lady Human, I protest. We bulldogs are deprived.
Me: You don’t look deprived.
Stella: Are you calling us ‘fat’?
Me: No, I am calling you healthy and well-fed.
Stella: And how about you?
Me: I… maybe should cut back on a few things.
Stella: Cut back means only 6 meals a day and 3 treats?
Me: All right. Maybe more than a few. I don’t eat 6 meals a day.
Stella: You haven’t been keeping count. We can help. You can share your hoarded food with us. We will be happy to gobble it up to help you stay healthy the way you help us to stay healthy – by depriving us of 6 meals a day.
Me: I still think you’re wrong about the 6 meals a day.
Stella: I have 4 paws. Each paw has 4 toes. This paw plus these 2 toes makes 6. If you start eating more than 16 meals per day, I must start using my tail, my two ears, and my two bulldog upside down vampire fangs. Please don’t make me count higher than 21. I will run out of parts.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 