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Me:  Shh! If we hurry, we can leave without being noticed. Here’s your harness.

Tiger:  Oh, boy! I’m going to ride in the rolling box! Yippee!

Stella: Hey!

Wiggles:  What’s going on in there?

Me:  Nothing. Go back to sleep. Run, Tiger!

Tiger:  The rolling box! All mine!

Me:  Now, I’m going to be honest with you, Tiger. We’re going to the vet, but just for your rabies vaccine, okay?

Tiger:  Wait. This isn’t a party?

Me:  Well, you can sit back and enjoy the ride. It’s a long, long drive. You’ve been there before. They know all about bulldogs.

Tiger:  Wait. Are we going to that place that smells funny and not in a good way?

Me:  It will be all right.

Tiger:  I hate that place. Weird smells. And lots of little dogs staring at me. Makes me so mad!

Me:  We will just ignore the staring dogs. Right?

Tiger:  Mmmmm…

Me:  Right?

Tiger:  Mmmmm…

Me:  I’m sorry you are afraid of the vet’s office.

Tiger:  The white coat people are okay, I guess. But why are there always those little staring dogs?

Me:  Because…vet’s office.

Tiger:  Nasty little staring dogs. It’s an awful high price to pay for nice, long ride.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Lunch was late again today!

Me: But you did get lunch.

Tiger: Regular lunch, yes. But what about all that stuff you brought in.

Me: What did I bring in?

Wiggles: Meat.

Doodlebug: Special meat.

Miss Sweetie: Brisket.

Me: You’ve got a very discerning nose, Sweetie. Yes, it was brisket. I’m having a special holiday celebration for which brisket can be a traditional dish. Along with pomegranates and apples dipped in honey…

Stella: Are those meats?

Me: No.

Stella: Never mind then. Just keep talking about the brisket.

Wiggles: What special day?

Me: Rosh Hashanah. A new year! We all need a new year.

Tiger: I thought that New Year was in the cold weather.

Doodlebug: When you keep us in at night because the sky is exploding.

Me: There are different new year celebrations. Rosh Hashanah is an enjoyable celebration to me because we focus on God and the year to come.

Stella: And…?

Me: And?

Stella: Brisket! How quickly she forgets!

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Tiger:  Everyone stay completely still …while I bark my head off!

Me:  Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s the matter?

Tiger:  A monster is eating the doorknob, Lady Human! It must be stopped!

Me:  That’s not a monster. It is a tote bag I was given. I don’t bring monsters into the house.

Stella:  You brought Tiger.

Tiger:  How dare you! Who do you think you are?

Stella:  I am the Queen. I have queenly free speech rights.

Me:  Enough, you two. I’ll move the tote. It won’t cause any more consternation.

Stella:  Where did you get that monster bag?

Me:  At the Pen Show.

Stella:  I was right! When you left this morning, I knew you were up to no good.

Me:  I went to the annual Pen Show. How is that being up to no good?

Stella:  Did you bring us anything?

Me:  Well, no.

Stella:  Then it was no good for us!

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Doodlebug has a problem. Please save him.

Me: What? He’s been outside for a little while, but there’s no…

Stella:  Look at him. He’s stuck. He won’t come in by himself. Oh, now he’s barking! You know Doodle! He never barks outside!

Me:  Doodle? What’s wrong, boy? Why are you standing in the middle of the yard barking? Come here.

Doodlebug:  I can’t.

Me:  Why not? Come on in.

Doodlebug:  Don’t you see them? I’m being bombed. Whoa! There goes another one! Make them go away!

Me:  Okay. You are all right. Follow me. Those are just big green beetles. This is their time to buzz around. They don’t sting. They just fly fast and they’re really round. Don’t be afraid.

Doodlebug:  Whoa! They are swooping down! They are going to eat me!

Me:  No, they won’t, not even a nibble. Keep walking with me.

Doodlebug:  What if they land on me?

Me:  I’ll brush them off. They don’t get to fool with my Doodlebug.

Doodlebug:  I’ll keep barking until we are safe inside. That will shake their world. Silly buzz monsters.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. For shame, Lady Human! You lied to a dog!

Me:  What have I done now? What did I lie about?

Stella:  You said the cool air was coming. You said that the summer was over. You said…you said…you said!

Me:  I did say that, didn’t I? I was going on reports from the weather people. I should have checked the Farmers Almanac. They’ve been around for a long, long time. They said it would be hot here through September. This is the hottest September we have had in 122 years.

Stella:  I don’t know what September is, but you need to put an end to it!

Me:  That is one of those many things over which I have no control. September will end when it is scheduled to end and not before.

Stella:  I am beginning to believe that humans have control over hardly anything at all.

Me:  It’s just as well you find that out now.

Stella:  Doesn’t that bother you? Being human with all the things you can do and all the things you can’t?

Me:  Not as much as it used to. Maybe I’ve grown up some.

Stella:  If I were a human, I don’t think I could ever grow up that much.

Me:  You are a bulldog though.

Stella:  I almost forgot. Bulldogs rule!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Tiger:  I know. I know. You never stop reminding us.

Stella:  What’s your problem?

Tiger:  Shhh! If I lay on my paws, do you think Lady Human will ignore them?

Stella:  Ignore your paws? Oh…

Me:  Nope. I have a good memory. I don’t forget toenails that need to be trimmed.

Tiger:  AAGGHH! Why don’t you ever give up?

Me:  Look. You have four paws. Eighteen toenails.

Stella:  That doesn’t seem to add up.

Me:  Have your math skills improved?  Four nails on each foot plus two dew claws, one on each front paw. On this round of trimming, to date, I have only been able to clip three. That means fifteen to go.

Tiger:  No. No. I looked at my nails today and they all seem just fine, so you can go on and do something more interesting, Lady Human. Me and my nails are just fine, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

MoonCat:  Meow!

Stella:  What is the cat complaining about?

Me:  She’s upset with me because she thinks her bowl does not have enough food in it.

MoonCat:  Meow!

Me:  I am filling it up as fast as I can. Shaking your head at me is not going to speed it up.

Stella:  What! Cat, how dare you? Don’t shake your head at us!

Me:  At us?

Stella:  If she shakes her head at you, she is shaking it at me. We’re in this together.

Me:  Okey dokey. If you say so.

Stella:  Lady Human, Lady Human.

Me:  Are you shaking your head at me, too?

Stella:  Yes, I am. You let a cat write the rules. SMH…sadly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human wants to talk. As usual.

Me:  We are going to be nail trimming for the next few days.

Tiger:  I dare say we will not!

Wiggles:  Fat chance!

Doodlebug:  I don’t need my nails trimmed. Look! I wore them down outside.

Miss Sweetie:  Yay, nail trimming! Wait. What is nail trimming?

Stella:  Oh, Sweetie. Look, Lady Human, I don’t like that kinda talk! So, stop talking.

Me:  It has to be done sometime. The weather is going to be slightly cooler the next few days.

Tiger:  How much cooler?

Me:  As in not in the upper 90s.

Tiger:  If that means what I think it means, not good enough.

Me:  Come on, y’all! Think of it as a game.

Stella:  If we chewed off your toenails, would you think of that as a game?

Me:  I can trim my own nails. You can’t trim yours.

Stella:  Maybe the Great Creator wanted it that way. Maybe nail trimming dogs is just another example of human…

Tiger:  Arrogance.

Wiggles:  Domination.

Doodlebug:  Willfulness.

Miss Sweetie:  Stupidity. I call it ‘human dumbness’.

Stella:  I’ll leave it at this – I don’t like that kinda talk.  So, stop talking.

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is a lovely day…

Wiggles:  Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Me:  What? What’s wrong?

Wiggles:  Ow! Foot! Ow!

Me:  Let me see!

Wiggles:  No! I have to finish hopping around!

Stella:  Wiggles, let Lady Human look at your foot.

Wiggles:  Wait. Wait. Wait. Okay. There I was, minding my own business and a stick stuck.

Me:  I don’t see it now.

Wiggles:  Let me lick my foot. Mean ole stick! Probably angry that the oak tree fell. It blamed me.

Me:  I don’t believe sticks hold grudges.

Wiggles:  Then why do they lie in wait until our innocent tender little feet step right down on them?

Me:  You lick your foot and I’ll look at it after you calm down.

Wiggles:  You lick my foot.

Me:  No, I’ll leave that to you.

Wiggles:  Don’t you love me?

Me:  Yes, but your tongue is a lot bigger than mine.

Wiggles:  Okay, that makes sense. I’ll let you know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Once upon a time outside, I had an enemy who was a friend.

Me:  Jerky McSquirrelyFace?

Stella:  Yes. That was his name. I have not seen him for a long while now. What do you do when you lose an enemy who was a friend?

Me:  How sure are you that he is gone? I think I heard him and saw him the other day.

Stella:  He never throws nuts on my head anymore. How much of a friend can he be if he doesn’t care enough to throw things on your head?

Me:  Maybe he already ate up most of the green pecans, so he doesn’t have enough left to throw at you. And since the oak tree is gone, there went all those acorns he used to throw at you.

Stella:  Will Jerky move now because the oak tree is gone? I didn’t really dislike having him here.

Me:  I know.

Stella:  I wish we had more food for him. Now that the oak tree is gone…

Me:  There are still two pecan trees in front and one in back that he can eat off. I guess storms and big winds affect all of us.

Stella:  Puny little squirrel! What makes him think he can come around here to eat all the time? Serves him right!  Lady Human!

Me:  Yes.

Stella:  Can we plant more nut trees that squirrels like?

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, Doodlebug is being weird.

Me:  Human weird or bulldog weird?

Stella:  Human weird, which is the real kind of weird. Bulldogs are unique, not weird.

Me:  All I see is that he is standing on the vacant spot where the old oak used to stand. He does that a lot.

Stella:  Yeah, standing and something else.

Me:  Hey, boy, whatcha doing?

Stella:  He’s doing that weird thing where he lifts his leg…

Me:  Yeah, girl, I know…

Stella:  Like he’s trying to squirt the whole world…

Me:  I know, Stella.

Doodlebug:  The tree left.

Me:  The big wind took it down, remember.

Doodlebug:  It will come back if I keep watering its place.

Me:  No, Doodle, that tree won’t be back. Another tree may start growing there.

Stella:  Wait! Would you want to grow on a spot Doodlebug keeps watering? Give the trees a break, Doodle! They need to be welcomed.

Doodlebug:  And well-watered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. What smells?

Miss Sweetie:  Something in the air.

Stella:  I know that, Sweetie.

Me:  Why are y’all sticking your noses up in the air?

Miss Sweetie:  Because that’s where the smell is.

Me:  What smell? I don’t smell anything.

Stella:  That’s because our noses work better than yours. And they’re prettier, too.

Me:  I don’t have to stand here and get insulted.

Miss Sweetie:  Where do you have to stand?

Me:  I mean my nose is my nose. It’s the nose the Great Creator gave me.

Stella:  Well, that’s all right then. Don’t be embarrassed. He gave us better noses. And prettier ones, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am no pushover which means nobody pushes me over.

Me:  I can testify to that. Once you take a position on my bed, you are there to stay unless you decide to move. Though I still try, especially when you have taken up the center and there is no place for me.

Stella:  If you weren’t so large, it would never be a problem.

Me:  Hey, I am human-sized.

Stella:  You take up entirely too much space on my bed.

Me:  Your bed? Pardon me?

Stella:  You are pardoned. Bulldog bottom line – I am no pushover, so don’t try to push me over.

Me:  Hey, I will roll you over anytime I need to.

Stella:  Rollovers are fine just as long as you know that I am no pushover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have tried to hide it from the pack, Lady Human.

Me:  Tried to hide what?

Stella:  That summer is slapping us in the face.

Me:  Meh. We had a pretty mild summer, temperature-wise.

Stella:  I saw you checking the heat today. You said 102. That is a big lot of temperature.

Me:  Autumn is coming.

Stella:  Who told you that?

Me:  History, the calendar, and the National Weather Service.

Stella:  More human nonsense. It’s hot. It will be hot as long as it is hot.

Me:  Okay, if you say so.

Stella:  I do say so.

Me:  All right.

Stella:  All right! Are we arguing?

Me:  About the weather?

Stella:  Yes!

Me:  Why would we argue about that?

Stella:  Because we are hot!

Me:  Okay!

Stella:  Can we stop arguing now?

Me:  Why?

Stella:  Because it’s making me hot.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have always wondered, Lady Human, but I was embarrassed to ask…

 

Me:  Why would you be embarrassed to ask me anything?

Stella:  This is about those windows on your eyes.

Me:  Windows? Oh, glasses!

Stella:  If you say so.

Me:  Glasses don’t embarrass me.

Stella:  We don’t like to ask you questions about stuff you wear. Like that weird thing you wind around your head that looks like something is attacking you.

Me:  The head towel.

Stella:  If you say so. Those eye windows. Why do you wear them?

Me:  They help me see clearly at a distance.

Stella:  I look through windows. I don’t see more clearly.

Me:  These are special windows…uh…lenses. They are special windows made just for my eyes.

Stella:  Do they hurt?

Me:  No, not at all.

Stella:  May I have some?

Me:  From what I understand about the eyes of dogs, they may not respond to…eye windows…the way human eyes do.

Stella:  May I chew on yours?

Me:  No! Absolutely not! MoonCat did that once and I had to have them repaired. You haven’t missed anything. They don’t even taste good.

Stella:  Oh, well, in that case, never mind.

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The yard is a mess. Who told the squirrels that they could have a party and not clean up after themselves? Not me!

Me:        Not me either!

Stella:    Look what they have done! They have showered pecans and pecan parts ALL OVER OUR BULLDOG PATHS!

Me:        Yep. No pecan pies for us this fall. Again.

Stella:    Who cares about pecans? Well, maybe I do. But look at this mess! Every path is covered with pecans shells and pieces!

Me:        Must have been some kind of party! Yee haw!

Stella:    Really, Lady Human? Are you condoning this?

Me:        Not condoning. Just understanding.

Stella:    AAAAGGGGHHH!

Me:        Okay, I know you don’t want your bulldog paths messed up and covered with shells, but pretty soon the dirt will cover the debris. Hey, the last rain filled in the cicada holes!

Stella:    Cicadas. Who cares? Cicadas I accept. But squirrels? Why are they having a party in our yard?

Me:        Uhhh. Because they are squirrels and there are nuts?

Stella:    My nemesis, Jerky McSquirrelyFace, is behind this.

Me:        I have no doubt.

Stella:    Well, I will show him what’s what.

Me:        What is what?

Stella:    The yard is ours.

Me:        Ours as in yours and mine.

Stella:    No, of course, not. Not yours at all. It belongs to the bulldogs. So here we come! Watch out, Jerky, you and all your squirrel friends! We bulldogs are on the move! Don’t you dare litter on our bulldog paths again!

Me:        Since you say it is yours, would you all be willing to contribute to the upkeep, maintenance, and taxes on it?

Stella:    The what, the what, and the what? You and your silly human talk. That’s not our job. Our job is to chase squirrels…and cats. And that we will do. Until all the pecans and pecan pies in the world are out of their little paws and in ours.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Listen, everybody, I have some special instructions to give…
Me: What’s all the whispering about?

Stella: Nothing. Closed door meeting, Lady Human. As I was saying…to the bulldogs only…

Me: Okay, time to go out. Hello? Time to go outside. All right, not that you all are fast to obey, but what’s going on? Usually, I get a few takers right off.

Stella: I’ve noticed a disturbing, very un-bulldoggy trend. You say do something and everybody does it. I was just making a point to my subjects.

Me: Which is?

Stella: That we should make you ask twice before we respond. At least twice. Three or four times would be better, but I can’t expect miracles, especially when you bribe us with treats.

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sometimes I find that title embarrassing.

Me:  Why?

Stella:  Lady Human, look at Miss Sweetie. Does that look like something you would like to be queen of?

Me:  It is kind of funny.

Miss Sweetie:  What? Who’s funny? I want to laugh, too.

Me:  Sweetie, you were sleeping with your ear in your water bowl. Don’t you feel that?

Miss Sweetie:  No. Yes. Maybe. It is cool on my ear.

Stella:  Your ear is swimming in the water without the rest of you.

Miss Sweetie:  My ear likes the water and my water bowl doesn’t have enough room for my whole body.

Me:  I patched your puppy pool and you didn’t even spend five minutes in it today.

Miss Sweetie:  It was okay, but inside there is the cool air and my ear enjoys dipping in the water by itself.

Stella:  Lady Human, I think she has lost her mind.

Me:  Well, I sort of understand. I can cool off by wiping a cool, wet cloth across the back of my neck.

Miss Sweetie:  You should dip your ear in cool water. It’s wonderful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Wait! What just slapped me in the face?

Me:  Duck! Goo is flying!

Stella:  Doodlebug! Really?

Doodlebug:  What? What happened?

Stella:  You happened! You! Shaking your big ole bulldog head!

Doodlebug:  Yeah, I did. So…

Me:  When you have a long string of slimy drool hanging from your mouth, please restrain from head shaking.

Doodlebug:  But then how can I get rid of the long string of slimy drool hanging from my mouth? It has to go somewhere.

Me:  Uh. Good question.

Stella:  Yes. A good question indeed. Personally, I don’t know as I never have long strings of slimy drool hanging from my mouth.

Me:  True, Stella. You are relatively drool-free.

Stella:  Doodle, try scraping the drool off on the side of your water bowl.

Doodlebug:  Then the drool will get into my water.

Me:  It does anyway. I know. I’m the one who washes your bowl out.

Doodlebug:  That doesn’t mean I want to add more to it.

Stella:  Sling it off outside. It’s bigger out there. Less likely to hit the rest of us.

Doodlebug:  I can try, but sometimes I don’t know drool is there until after I shake my head.

Stella:  I know what we need. Shields and helmets like those humans on the Picture Box. What do they call them?

Me:  Vikings.

Stella:  Yes. Now we will be Vikings against drool.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, explain yourself.

Me:  Explain what?

Stella:  You were gone all afternoon.

Me:  No, I was gone only part of the afternoon.

Stella:  Our bulldog clocks told us different. Where were you? And why do you smell like cheese and sugar?

Me:  Tall Man and I took the little one to a special pizza place where we played games, ate pizza, and he bought me some cotton candy.

Stella:  So that was not a cloud you brought into the house! The thing that looked like what is on the inside of pillows?

Me:  No, it is a type of candy made from spun sugar. I’ve always liked it. It goes along with fairs and parties and celebrations. I don’t allow myself to eat it much anymore.

Stella:  That explains the scent of sugar. But what about this pizza thing?

Me:  Pizza is a human food that goes with parties and fellowship and…

Stella:  Cheese.

Me:  Yeah, cheese and pizza go hand in hand.

Stella:  Pizza has hands?

Me:  It’s a human expression.

Stella:  Humans express weird things. Where is this pizza?

Me:  We have a couple of pieces leftover in the refrigerator.

Stella:  Mine.

Me:  Uh, no.

Stella:  Mine.

Me:  It’s not for you or any of the bulldogs.

Stella:  Mine.

Me:  How about a nice, healthy dog treat?

Stella:  How about giving me part of that sugar cloud you brought in? What did you call it? Cotton candy?

Me:  Mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2019 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.