The Long, Red Monster Incident – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs, on my count, 1, 2, 3…ATTACK!

Miss Sweetie:    I’ll get it, Aunt Stella! Nobody invades our home!

Doodlebug:   Stop, you ugly monster! I’ve got you!

Me:        What is going on? Why are you all freaking out?

Snoopey:   See it! See it! Stop it! It has grabbed Tall Man!

Me:    The mop? Not again. More like Tall Man has grabbed it.

Tiger:   No! He is wrestling with it! Back and forth! Back and forth! We must help him!

Me:        Hey, y’all, we’ve had this discussion before. A mop is a floor cleaner. It is not dangerous.

Wiggles:   Of course, it is dangerous! It is long and red. Long, red things are dangerous.

Me:        Can you even see red?

Stella:    When you bring that yellow brush thing out, do we bark at it?

Me:        The broom? As a matter of fact, no.

Stella:    Because it is yellow. Yellow things are not a threat. But red things are monsters.

Me:   So if the mop were yellow, it would be all right?

Stella:    There are no such things as yellow mops. But long, red monsters are real.

Me:        There! He put the mop up. Can you stop barking now?

Stella:    Cease the attack! The long, red monster has retreated. I declare a bulldog victory! Yay us!

Me:        I guess I could always paint the mop handle yellow.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Red Mop Menace – Conversation with the Pack

Today was Mop Day, a day which should probably come even more often than it does.

Stella:    No, it should never happen again!

Me:        I truly do not understand why you all don’t like the mop. With the mop, there is endless, hysterical barking. How is it different from the broom that Tall Man was pushing just a few minutes ago and you were all silent?

Stella:    There is all the difference in the world, Lady Human! Isn’t it obvious?

Me:        No.

Stella:    The broom, as you inexplicably call it, is a bright, friendly yellow. It is dry and takes the dirt and bulldog hair and stacks it in a neat pile which then disappears into the tall metal fortress forever.

Me:        You mean the trash can.

Stella:    If you say so.

Me:        But the mop does the same thing, only better.

Tiger:     No! The mop is evil!

Snoopey:  I never agree with Tiger. She is always wrong. Until now. The mop is evil!

Me:        The yellow broom is good, but the red mop is evil?

Wiggles:  What is ‘red’?

Stella:    You know what it is. The ugly color that the humans are always spreading around and wearing.

Miss Sweetie:  I like red. I like yellow. I like blue. I like the lovely trees. I like the lovely grass. I like the lovely squirrels…

Stella:    NOOO! Sweetie, you and I need to have a long talk.

Miss Sweetie:    About the lovely squirrels?

Stella:    No. I mean yes. I mean about a lot of things.

Doodlebug:        Can you tell me about the lovely squirrels, too?

Stella:    SQUIRRELS ARE NOT LOVELY! YES, DOODLEBUG! I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT BULLDOG LIFE, TOO! Forgive me for shouting. Some subjects annoy me.

Wiggles:  What is ‘annoy’?

Snoopey:  Why aren’t we talking about taking out the red mop?

Tiger:     Exactly. The red mop must be destroyed.

Me:        I still don’t understand why the red mop is so different from the yellow broom.

Stella:    The mop is wet. It is smelly.

Me:        It cleans the floor. Do you want the floor to be smelly?

Stella:    Better a smelly floor than an evil red mop running around free!

Tiger:     Hear! Hear!

Snoopey:  Agreed!

Wiggles:  Okay.

Doodlebug:  The smelly floor smells like me.

Miss Sweetie:    Lovely squirrels.

Stella:    As queen, I can order our army to march against the red mop.

Me:        No, you really can’t.

Stella:    But the humans vote on all sorts of things, as crazy as that is.

Me:        No, it’s really not.

Stella:    I put it to a bulldog vote. All in favor of red mop destruction, bark and keep on barking!

The Pack:  Barking

 Me:        No, please, not again!

Stella:    The barks have it. The red mop will be destroyed at the next opportunity.

Me:        No, it won’t. I am not going to buy another mop just because you all don’t like the color red or think it is wet or smelly.

Stella:    All in favor of Lady Human not overseeing the red mop issue, bark!

Me:        Stop! The red mop is mine and Tall Man’s. I am hereby taking it into protective custody. No chewing or bulldog destruction allowed. Is that clear?

Stella:    No.

Me:        What?

Stella:    Yes. Maybe. Not really.

Me:        The humans are in charge.

Stella:    Until the red mop menace is over, all in favor of the humans no longer being in charge, bark!

  

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.