Special Emergency Pack Meeting – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby call this Special Emergency Pack Meeting to order.

Me:        Wait. What emergency? What pack meeting?

Stella:    Sorry, Lady Human. You were not notified because you are not a member of the pack.

Me:        Really? So, all the food and treats and face washing and puppy pool water does not qualify me for pack membership?

Stella:    It’s a bulldog pack, Lady Human, and you, after all, are not a bulldog.

Me:        Not even an honorary one.

Stella:    I’ll take it under advisement.

Me:        Shouldn’t you go ahead and let me know what’s going on?

Snoopey:   I’ll say it. It’s the ear cleanings.

Tiger:     Yeah, ear cleanings are gross.

Wiggles:   Yes, and the cleaning drops smell like…like…stinky water.

Miss Sweetie:   Like sour water.

Doodlebug:   Like you, Sweetie.

Me:        Enough, Doodle. Sweetie smells a lot better since we got the malacetic wipes for her face folds. The other type worked only hit and miss and so, I admit it, sometimes she smelled sour. I still think I should be included in the pack meeting, human or not.

Stella:   Not when you are the evil ear cleaner.

Me:        Now I am evil for cleaning your ears?

Stella:    Do you know what it is like to have your own ears wiped out?

Me:        Yes. Humans clean their ears.

Stella:    Weird. Your ears do not flop over.

Me:        And we can’t close our ears the way you do.

Stella:    It has taken lots of practice to perfect that move. Still, there is no defense against your nasty ear cleaning drops. So, we are taking a vote. Ear cleaning drops – yay or nay?

Snoopey:   Nay.

Tiger:     Nay.

Wiggles:   Nay,

Doodlebug:   Nay.

Miss Sweetie:    Maybe. Maybe not.

Stella:    That’s a yay. And I vote yay. Unanimous. No more ear cleaning drops.

Me:        I vote nay. My one vote trumps all of yours. I win.

Stella:    Not fair!

Me:        Fair? Have you seen what comes out of your ears? That is what’s not fair.

Stella:    Well, you wanted to be a member of the pack. Welcome.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

The Red Mop Menace – Conversation with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Today was Mop Day, a day which should probably come even more often than it does.

Stella:    No, it should never happen again!

Me:        I truly do not understand why you all don’t like the mop. With the mop, there is endless, hysterical barking. How is it different from the broom that Tall Man was pushing just a few minutes ago and you were all silent?

Stella:    There is all the difference in the world, Lady Human! Isn’t it obvious?

Me:        No.

Stella:    The broom, as you inexplicably call it, is a bright, friendly yellow. It is dry and takes the dirt and bulldog hair and stacks it in a neat pile which then disappears into the tall metal fortress forever.

Me:        You mean the trash can.

Stella:    If you say so.

Me:        But the mop does the same thing, only better.

Tiger:     No! The mop is evil!

Snoopey:  I never agree with Tiger. She is always wrong. Until now. The mop is evil!

Me:        The yellow broom is good, but the red mop is evil?

Wiggles:  What is ‘red’?

Stella:    You know what it is. The ugly color that the humans are always spreading around and wearing.

Miss Sweetie:  I like red. I like yellow. I like blue. I like the lovely trees. I like the lovely grass. I like the lovely squirrels…

Stella:    NOOO! Sweetie, you and I need to have a long talk.

Miss Sweetie:    About the lovely squirrels?

Stella:    No. I mean yes. I mean about a lot of things.

Doodlebug:        Can you tell me about the lovely squirrels, too?

Stella:    SQUIRRELS ARE NOT LOVELY! YES, DOODLEBUG! I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT BULLDOG LIFE, TOO! Forgive me for shouting. Some subjects annoy me.

Wiggles:  What is ‘annoy’?

Snoopey:  Why aren’t we talking about taking out the red mop?

Tiger:     Exactly. The red mop must be destroyed.

Me:        I still don’t understand why the red mop is so different from the yellow broom.

Stella:    The mop is wet. It is smelly.

Me:        It cleans the floor. Do you want the floor to be smelly?

Stella:    Better a smelly floor than an evil red mop running around free!

Tiger:     Hear! Hear!

Snoopey:  Agreed!

Wiggles:  Okay.

Doodlebug:  The smelly floor smells like me.

Miss Sweetie:    Lovely squirrels.

Stella:    As queen, I can order our army to march against the red mop.

Me:        No, you really can’t.

Stella:    But the humans vote on all sorts of things, as crazy as that is.

Me:        No, it’s really not.

Stella:    I put it to a bulldog vote. All in favor of red mop destruction, bark and keep on barking!

The Pack:  Barking

 Me:        No, please, not again!

Stella:    The barks have it. The red mop will be destroyed at the next opportunity.

Me:        No, it won’t. I am not going to buy another mop just because you all don’t like the color red or think it is wet or smelly.

Stella:    All in favor of Lady Human not overseeing the red mop issue, bark!

Me:        Stop! The red mop is mine and Tall Man’s. I am hereby taking it into protective custody. No chewing or bulldog destruction allowed. Is that clear?

Stella:    No.

Me:        What?

Stella:    Yes. Maybe. Not really.

Me:        The humans are in charge.

Stella:    Until the red mop menace is over, all in favor of the humans no longer being in charge, bark!

  

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella’s Blog – Things that Make Me Mad

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I have a few complaints.

(Transcriptionist: As usual.)

Hey, this is my blog. Stick your opinions in your own. This brings me to the first thing that makes me mad – the opinions of others unless they agree with mine. The humans talk about voting all the time. I’m not sure what voting is, but it sounds like someone else’s opinion and, therefore, another thing that would make me mad.

From what the humans say, I perceive that voting means you can choose a thing or a person and someone else can choose differently, and if enough people choose differently from you, YOU LOSE!

I don’t like that. So yes, voting is on my list of things that make me mad. I am the queen; I get to choose.

No voting allowed!

But if we did allow voting in the house, we bulldogs would outnumber the cat. Hmmm. And we could vote her out. That is unless Wiggles voted with the cat just to be “nice”. And then there is Tiger. I have suspected for a long time that Tiger has a secret peace treaty with the cat. Oh, she barks at the cat and stirs the rest of us up, but never have I seen Tiger actually chase the cat. Hmmm.

Then the other day, I watched Snoopey as she walked right up to the cat while the cat hissed at her and made an ugly face (no, that was her regular face, sorry). And what did Snoopey do? She TURNED AROUND AND WALKED AWAY!

I may not be able to count on the bulldog vote after all. So it is certain. Voting is one thing that makes me mad.

(Transcriptionist: Besides, the humans hold the power to veto.)

Veto? That sounds suspicious, like something else that would make me mad.

And I haven’t even gotten to other maddening things that I put on my list – things like:

  • Moon the Cat
  • The rule against cat chasing
  • Limitation of treats to only a few times a day
  • Wiggles getting more reward treats than the rest of us

(Transcriptionist: Because she earns more than the rest of you.)

Enough for this time. I will go back to work on my mad list. I can’t do anymore now. I am just so…so…so mad!

Signed, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 [Transcriptionist’s note: Stella has gone to cool down and chew on her Nylabone. Meanwhile, we will close with this:

  “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”  (Ephesians 4:26 KJV)]