“There are lots of scents in the world. Keep your nose close to the ground. That’s where the most interesting smelliest ones can be found.”
Welcome to Simpleton – Scents
Special Emergency Pack Meeting – Conversations with Stella and the Pack
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I hereby call this Special Emergency Pack Meeting to order.
Me: Wait. What emergency? What pack meeting?
Stella: Sorry, Lady Human. You were not notified because you are not a member of the pack.
Me: Really? So, all the food and treats and face washing and puppy pool water does not qualify me for pack membership?
Stella: It’s a bulldog pack, Lady Human, and you, after all, are not a bulldog.
Me: Not even an honorary one.
Stella: I’ll take it under advisement.
Me: Shouldn’t you go ahead and let me know what’s going on?
Snoopey: I’ll say it. It’s the ear cleanings.
Tiger: Yeah, ear cleanings are gross.
Wiggles: Yes, and the cleaning drops smell like…like…stinky water.
Miss Sweetie: Like sour water.
Doodlebug: Like you, Sweetie.
Me: Enough, Doodle. Sweetie smells a lot better since we got the malacetic wipes for her face folds. The other type worked only hit and miss and so, I admit it, sometimes she smelled sour. I still think I should be included in the pack meeting, human or not.
Stella: Not when you are the evil ear cleaner.
Me: Now I am evil for cleaning your ears?
Stella: Do you know what it is like to have your own ears wiped out?
Me: Yes. Humans clean their ears.
Stella: Weird. Your ears do not flop over.
Me: And we can’t close our ears the way you do.
Stella: It has taken lots of practice to perfect that move. Still, there is no defense against your nasty ear cleaning drops. So, we are taking a vote. Ear cleaning drops – yay or nay?
Snoopey: Nay.
Tiger: Nay.
Wiggles: Nay,
Doodlebug: Nay.
Miss Sweetie: Maybe. Maybe not.
Stella: That’s a yay. And I vote yay. Unanimous. No more ear cleaning drops.
Me: I vote nay. My one vote trumps all of yours. I win.
Stella: Not fair!
Me: Fair? Have you seen what comes out of your ears? That is what’s not fair.
Stella: Well, you wanted to be a member of the pack. Welcome.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Shoe Store – Conversations with Stella and the Pack
I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I do not wear shoes. I do not care to. I see no point to them, even as a snack. Snoopey, however, has different tastes. She committed a crime against a pair of Lady Human’s fancy shoes, but, to be honest, Lady Human did not hire a guard to protect her shoes so she deserved it.
Me: Why would I ever hire a guard for my shoes?
Stella: You could have set me over them. I don’t snack on shoes and I work cheap.
Me: I didn’t even know that they were in danger.
Stella: Snoopey told me that she had been sniffing them for months and, finally, one night, she lost her battle with temptation. As I say, if you had hired me…
Snoopey: I am sorry that I ate your shoes, Lady Human. As tasty and smelly as they were, I had no right.
Me: I forgive you, Snoopey. I just don’t know if I can trust you around my shoes again.
Snoopey: I won’t chew on any of the others. That was my favorite pair. I laid my nose by them every night. Every night, they called my name. They smelled like your feet and like leather and like wherever they had walked.
Me: I wore them to my daughter’s wedding.
Snoopey: So that was why they smelled like strange humans and burritos. It must have been a wonderful party.
Me: You nibbled parts off both soles and all the heels.
Snoopey: I thought you didn’t need those parts. They didn’t show from the top. Why do you need shoes anyway? And why do you have so many? Humans have at most two feet.
Me: We wear them to protect our feet. And we wear them to look good, for style.
Stella: My feet look fine without them. But I have seen human feet. I would cover them up, too.
Wiggles: Can I have a pair of shoes to chew?
Doodlebug: Me, too. A really stinky pair. Not dog stinky. Human stinky.
Miss Sweetie: I just need one shoe. Tiger can have the second one.
Tiger: Thanks, but I prefer to chew plastic that doesn’t smell like humans.
Me: Okay, now hear this!
Stella: That’s my job!
Me: My shoes are off limits. They are not to be eaten…
Snoopey: Carried around?
Me: No.
Wiggles: Chewed?
Me: No.
Doodlebug: Snuffled?
Me: No.
Miss Sweetie: Nibbled?
Me: No.
Stella: Licked?
Me: No. Wait. I thought you said you didn’t like shoes.
Stella: The more I hear them described, the more tempting they become.
Me: I thought you said you would guard them.
Stella: Well, I would, from the others.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 