Bulldog News Network – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and this is BNN – Bulldog News Network, blah, blah, blah, all talk all the time, just like the boring humans…

Me:        Stella, what brought this on?

Stella:    Today there was a sale on cheese at the human food place and Lady Human bought it all and brought it home just for herself. She owns all the cheese in the world.

Me:        How would that even be possible?

Stella:    Snoopey is here with us now for an interview to tell what she witnessed.

Snoopey: What is an interview?

Stella:    What did you see when Lady Human opened the door to the Big Cold Box?

Snoopey:  Lots and lots of wonderful food.

Stella:    That proves it.

Me:        It doesn’t prove that I own all the cheese in the world or even all the cheese from a store.

Stella:    Now we welcome Tiger who has more to add to this story.

Me:        What story? I bought a little bit of cheese.

Stella:    Tiger, what do you have to say to Lady Human’s denial of cheese hoarding?

Tiger:     Hello.

Stella:    Can you be more specific?

Tiger:     Hello, people.

Stella:    Wiggles, Doodlebug, Sweetie, what can you add?

(background snoring and odd snorting noises)

Me:        Are they your audience because…

Stella:    Am I the only one concerned about the level of cheese hoarding here?

Me:        Apparently.

Snoopey:  I guess so.

Tiger:     Yes.

Stella:    Well, I can’t keep commenting on nothing.

Me:        Nope.

Snoopey:  That’s right.

Tiger:     So shut up.

Stella:    Tomorrow on BNN – Bulldog News Network, I will interview Lady Human about how she has slowly but drastically reduced the size of treats during the past month.

Me:        Uh, I may arrange to be unavailable for that.

Snoopey:  Smaller treats? What? Really?

Tiger:     As long as I get mine and Snoopey’s, too, I don’t care.



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Promise Me or I’ll Scream – Conversations with Stella

This is Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Please allow me to begin this conversation with a SCREAM!!! AAAAAGGGHHHHEEEEEEE!!!

Me:        Ow, Stella! What was that? It hurt my ears!

Stella:    WHERE DID YOU GO?

Me:        Stella, stop yelling! I went to the store, that’s all. I was only gone for an hour.

Stella:    Only an hour from hell!

Me:        But there’s nothing wrong. Everything seems fine. Everyone is here. No one is hurt and no one else is screaming. Why are you so upset?

Stella:    The Picture Box! Look at the Picture Box!

Me:        The television? I’m looking. It’s all right.

Stella:    All right? All right? Look at the humans running! Hear them screaming! They are being chased by a…GIANT LIZARD! You never told me that there were GIANT LIZARDS! Why? Why are there such things?

Me:        It’s all right, Stella.

Stella:    No, no it’s not! Why isn’t someone helping those poor humans?

Me:        It is not a news program. It is a movie. It’s entertainment.

Stella:    Humans think that giant lizards chasing and eating people is entertainment? Think again!

Me:        It’s all make-believe, made up stuff. It’s not real.

Stella:    You mean that there never have been any giant lizards?

Me:        Well, actually there were…

Stella:    NO! Horrible!

Me:        Calm down. They haven’t been around for a long, long time.

Stella:    Do you promise me that there are no giant lizards now?

Me:        It depends on your definition of ‘giant’. There are some lizards that are your size.

Stella:    Life is a nightmare.

Me:        No, it isn’t. In all your time on Earth, have you ever seen a lizard anywhere near your size?

Stella:    Hmmm. No. Just little guys like that green talking one that keeps showing up on the Picture Box. He’s okay.

Me:        So admit it. Life is not a nightmare.

Stella:    I will reserve judgment for now.

Me:        What can I do to make this all better for you?

Stella:    I can’t tell the difference between your human make-believe and your human news programs.

Me:        Neither can I.

Stella:    Pledge to me that you will not leave the Picture Box on when you go to the store or anyplace else.

Me:        All right. I pledge that I will not leave the television on when I leave the house. Subject to the following exceptions: I may forget, I may not be able to turn it off, someone else may turn it on, you may turn it on, I may not want to turn it off.

Stella:    That does not sound like a pledge.

Me:        The meaning of the word ‘pledge’ has weakened considerably over the years.

Stella:    So humans no longer make real pledges?

Me:        Of course they do. It all depends on who the person is who is making the pledge. And on who is receiving it.

Stella:    But you still promise that there are no more giant lizards, right?

Me:        Hmmm.


Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.