H.J. Hill

Weird Humans and Their Clothes

Posted on October 21, 2016October 21, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges. Well, some may be illustrious. I know that I am. Lady Human, what were those strange clothes you put on today? They looked…dignified. Not like your regular clothes.

Me: I had an event to attend.

Stella: Was it so important that you had to leave us alone all afternoon? Do we have to talk about the curfew thing again?

Me: As I have said before, bulldogs do not dictate my schedule. It only lasted a few hours. I went because a professor at my old law school is retiring and he was giving a speech about what he has learned.

Stella: Retiring? Is that the same as dying? That is so sad.

Me: No, retiring is not the same as dying. He is just leaving his job there after many years. It is not sad. He will go on with his life in different ways.

Stella: So you had to put on special clothes because someone is leaving a job and will live differently. Humans are weird, Lady Human.

Me: It is hard to explain to one who does not wear clothing.

Stella: Why do humans wear clothing?

Me: It stems from what happened in Eden at the Fall.

Stella: When everything changed?

Me: Yes.

Stella: Your clothes are inconvenient. They snag on our nails and on our crates. They have to be washed in the big Loud Wash Machine Thing that keeps breaking down.

Me: Well, it’s old and has done a whole ton or more of bulldog washing.

Stella: And why do humans wear clothes?

Me: So we will not be naked.

Stella: Dogs are naked and we are not ashamed.

Me: It’s a human thing, Stella. You will have to understand it from the Great Creator. He is the One Who first clothed us.

Stella: Well, in that case, all right. I still think human clothes are weird and what you put on today was super strange. And don’t go to any more retirement speeches! You belong to us. You need to stay here while we nap and snore.

Me: Is that my only function?

Stella: Of course not, Lady Human. You also are to bring us food and treats and play with us and bring us treats and take us on our bathroom walks and keep spying squirrels away and bring us treats and…

Me: Okay, Stella, okay. I am beginning to get the picture.

O Where, O Where Have My Little Toys Gone? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 20, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and Illustrious. Hello! A horrible thing happened yesterday evening and it had nothing to do with the humans’ election nonsense. Lady Human, bring back my toys!

Me: You have your toys. See there. In your crate as always.

Stella: No, my toys are in the mouths of the other bulldogs. Look at my face. Notice my straight, I’m-not-fooling brow. Bring back my toys.

Me: You had four toys. You have four toys.

Stella: I had a million toys.

Me: No, you didn’t. A million toys would fill this whole house, floor to ceiling and then some.

Stella: Why did you take my toys away? If you had not touched them, they would not be in the big, slimy bulldog mouths of others.

Me: Stella, I took your FOUR, count ‘em, FOUR toys and washed them because they were filthy dirty. Your yellow chicken was no longer yellow. It was a nice, medium shade of…well, dirt.

Stella: She didn’t mind.

Me: Football Head and Long Blue Squishy Hound or whatever you call him smelled.

Stella: I liked that smell.

Me: And Purple Dinosaur…

Stella: My favorite!!! He was perfect. You cannot improve on a perfect purple dinosaur!

Me: I noticed that you had not been playing with him and now that he’s been washed, you are using him as a pillow again.

Stella: I only stopped using him as a pillow for a while because my head is heavy and he was feeling a little smooshed.

Me: Those other toys weren’t yours. They were old ones that I collected from around the house and cleaned so that each dog could play with one. Did you see how happy it made them?

Stella: I am not in business to make other dogs happy.

Me: But they each only got one. You got yours back. I mean, just look at your crate. You have four.

Stella: Yeah. Now I do. But I used to have a million.

Curfew Breaker – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 19, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Illustrious Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges. Yay me!

Me: Yay you!

Stella: You stayed out too late last night, Lady Human. You must never do that again. Now you must stay inside with us as soon as the sun goes to bed.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Stella: Yes, do beg my pardon.

Me: Excuse me, but…

Stella: You are excused…

Me: No.

Stella: You are not excused? Okay.

Me: No, I mean I am not taking orders from bulldogs on how long I can stay out at night. I am an adult human. I have no curfew. And I wasn’t even away from home. I was talking to a neighbor out back.

Stella: You were gone so long. We were waiting to go to bed and there was no one to tuck us in and it was so lonely.

Me: You could have visited among yourselves.

Stella: That’s no fun. Tiger is always grumbling to me and Wiggles is always saying something dumb. What were you talking to a neighbor about way into the dark night? Oh, no! It wasn’t about that election nonsense thing again, was it?

Me: Well, actually…

Stella: NOOOO!!! There isn’t going to be another one of those debate nonsense things again, is there? With the loud humans talking, talking, talking! Blah! Blah! Blah! And never knowing when to stop!

Me: Well, as a matter of fact…but just one more. You can sit with me in a quiet place. I am not watching or listening to it.

Stella: But you will talk about it and Tall Man will watch it because he can’t help himself just like that show with the ugly dead zombie monsters staggering around. Wait! Is that going to be on the Picture Box, too?

Me: The Walking Dead? Yes, in a few more days.

Stella: NOOOO!!! Election monsters and zombie monsters!!! Where can I go to hide?

Me: I don’t know, but if you find a place, come and get me.

Our Idea of Fun – Stella’s Blog

Posted on October 17, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! Oh, I already said that, didn’t I? I have so much on my mind these days. All the humans feel tense which makes me feel tense.

It must have something to do with those loud humans on the Picture Box, always talking, talking, talking. Nothing else is wrong. There is food. There are treats. The outside is tolerable. It still could be cooler, but they keep saying that the cool is coming. I think that my humans are gullible. They keep believing what the weather people on the Picture Box tell them.

I think that the Picture Box was invented by cats.

When our humans are too busy to play, we bulldogs find our own fun. We can make a game out of anything. Really! ANYTHING!

A stick? Tasty AND a great toy. I prefer pecan, but mesquite or oak will do in a pinch.

A rock? If it’s big enough, stand on it like one of the human statues. Impressive. Bulldoggy. Only don’t stand there too long. They will try to take your picture with one of their little boxes. If the rock is small, roll it with your nose or kick it with your foot.

And then there are the fun things that my humans leave outside. Wooden gates that are a challenge to dismantle. Great puzzles for bulldog brains. We know how to pick them apart.

The latest toy – a long, long green plastic rope. Lady Human did get upset when she saw the use we made of it. I heard her tell Tall Man “electrical cord” and “at least it was not plugged in”, whatever that means. And he said, “Oh, great.” So at least he saw what a good job we did of chewing it up.

So keep your eyes open, bulldogs and all fellow dogs! Don’t depend on humans for fun. Make your own! Just depend on humans for food, treats, beds, air conditioning, clean ears, clean wrinkles, cool store-bought toys, human-made chew sticks, head pets, massages, manicures, walks, belly rubs, brushing, scratching on your chest and anywhere else you can’t reach, the rare bath (admit it, sometimes we need one), and vet visits (yuck). Have I left anything else out? Well, if I have, just depend on the humans to think of it.

I declare this to be official pre-bedtime nap time. Good night, all dogs everywhere!

Signed, Queen Stella the Illustrious

I’ll Have What You’re Having – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 14, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Yes! Illustrious! That’s me. I like that. A young friend called me that and I am going to keep it, just like I keep everything else. Speaking of which, why do humans spend so much time staring into the Big Cold Box in the kitchen?

Me: We check for ingredients for our meals. Sometimes we don’t know what we want to eat and we have to think about it.

Stella: You think about food? What is there to think about? Food is food! When you see it, grab it and eat it before someone else does! Let me in there. Let me see what all you have in there. I won’t have to think about it.

Me: No, we don’t need a bulldog nose sniffing around in the refrigerator.

Stella: But you sniff around in there.

Me: I look first and then I sniff.

Stella: What are you going to eat now?

Me: Well, there are some sliced apples.

Stella: Nope.

Me: Pineapple.

Stella: Why is everything called ‘apple’? Nope, no fruit.

Me: I could cook some eggs.

Stella: Mmmm. Maybe. What else do we have?

Me: We?

Stella: We are family, aren’t we? Don’t you love us? You are generous, aren’t you? Wait! Are you a food hoarder, Lady Human?

Me: Well, of course…Yes, we love…We try to be…No, we are not food hoarders!

Stella: Thank you for sharing. We will have some of what you are having. On second thought, we are bulldogs. We have a lot of what you are having.

Me: You bulldogs are on a special diet so you won’t have stomach or skin problems.

Stella: Sounds like an excuse not to share your food with us.

Me: More like a reason for you not to share your upset stomachs with us. No, thank you.

Stella: Well, it’s unfair, but I can’t force you to share. I bet I know what I’ll be dreaming about tonight though. Food, glorious food, and the Big Cold Boxes it comes in.

Mine! Mine! Mine! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 13, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, et cetera.

Me: Hello, what?

Stella: It means ‘and so forth and so on’.

Me: I know what it means. Where did you learn that?

Stella: The Picture Box had a bald man inside and he said it again and again. I liked the way he made it sound, so I claimed it. It is now mine.

Me: I think you must have seen Yul Brynner. He was an actor.

Stella: Well, he surely knew how to say ‘et cetera’. But that phrase is mine now.

Me: You can’t just claim a phrase that everybody uses…

Stella: Yes, I can. Mine. See! That simple.

Me: You can’t declare some common words to be yours…

Stella: Mine! Done!

Me: You can say it all you wish, but you can’t keep others from saying it.

Stella: Yes, I can!

Me: Why?

Stella: Because, you know…Queen. You have a short memory, Lady Human.

Me: Oh, Stella.

Stella: That’s my name. I claim that, too. Mine! Nobody else can be Stella.

Me: I believe that there are a lot of Stellas out there who would dispute that.

Stella: Dispute. Okay. That’s mine, too. Claimed! Done!

Me: Language is to be shared, not hoarded.

Stella: Not anymore. It’s mine, all mine. Except for some words that I don’t like. For example, the word “no”, the word “stop”, the word “down”, the word “enough”. There are others that I don’t favor, but I don’t remember all of them. For now, I am not claiming these. I am freezing them so that they cannot be used against me.

Me: I think this queen thing has gone to your head.

Stella: Being queen is not a thing. It is me. Who I am. After all, someone has to be in charge. And the humans don’t seem to be. Therefore, MINE!

Uh-Oh! A Word Humans Never Want to Hear – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 12, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am working on my human vocabulary for my dictionary. Vocabulary is a long, confusing human word that means WORDS. Why can’t humans say what they mean instead of stringing lots of sounds together…uh-oh!

Me: Uh-oh? What’s uh-oh? Where? Who? What?

Stella: Uh-oh.

Me: Come on, Stella. What’s wrong?

Stella: Nothing.

Me: Uh-oh is one of a long list of words that I don’t want to hear.

Stella: Okay. I won’t say it anymore.

Me: Too late! You’ve already said it. What is wrong?

Stella: You know that little wooden gate for the little wooden fence.

Me: Yes.

Stella: You know how there were some boards with a latch on one side.

Me: What do you mean ‘were’?

Stella: Slow down. You are getting ahead of me on my uh-oh story. Well, there were some boards with a latch on one side, but now there aren’t. Emphasis on the were and more emphasis on the aren’t. Therefore, uh-oh. Sorry. I had to say uh-oh again.

Me: Don’t tell me. Let me guess how it happened.

Stella: Okay, guess. To save time, if you guess that Doodlebug pulled it off, you will be right.

Me: I knew it. I knew he was paying entirely too much attention to that gate. And it wasn’t even closed. The only time we close it is when y’all are getting baths on the patio.

Stella: Well, that won’t be happening soon, will it? And maybe that was the whole point.

Me: That won’t stop the bathing. You will simply get your baths in the tub.

Stella: Oh.

Me: Wait a minute. Did you encourage Doodlebug to pull on those boards so you wouldn’t have to get baths for a while?

Stella: Doodlebug never has to be encouraged to pull on anything with that big mouth of his. He may have figured it out when he got his last bath. He is very clever.

Me: Yes, he is. Scary smart.

Stella: I will add ‘uh-oh’ to my bulldog dictionary. UH-OH: a word that no human ever wants to hear. It always means that a bulldog has done something bulldoggy.

Property Rights for Dogs – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 10, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, am not pleased.

Me: Uh-oh.

Stella: If what happened to me had happened to you, you would not be pleased either.

Me: Okey dokey. If you say so.

Stella: Puh. Puh. Puh. This is really important! You have to do something!

Me: It must be for you to be puffing your cheeks out. What is this something that I have to do?

Stella: Wiggles peed on my sunning spot! Again!

Me: Well, that’s not so big a deal. We’ll just hose it off.

Stella: Not good enough! How would you like it if someone peed on your spot?

Me: Someone has peed on my spot before.

Stella: Let me guess. Wiggles.

Me: As a matter of fact, yes.

Stella: She must be stopped! She is a trespasser! She turns everything into her own private bathroom! What about me? What about my rights? I keep my spot nice and clean. I don’t step on anybody else’s spot. But along comes Wiggles who not only steps on my place but pees on it. PEES ON IT!!!

Me: It’s not that important…

Stella: Not important? What if a giant came walking through the neighborhood and said, “Oh, that’s a nice spot” and then peed on our house? Would that be important?

Me: Yes, but I really think that is unlikely to happen. And we can hose your spot off.

Stella: Not the point. Property rights for Stella! That is the point! I am filing a claim. I demand that a fence be put up surrounding my sunning spot. A Wiggles-proof zone.

Me: Nope.

Stella: How are my rights going to be protected without it? Not fair!

Me: Such is life. We don’t need yet another fence just for your sunning spot. If you see Wiggles starting to use your spot, tell her to get off and use her own.

Stella: What has the world come to when you can’t get a human to build a simple fence to keep a bulldog from peeing on your special spot? I’ll bet you would build one quick enough to keep humans from trespassing to pee on your property.

Me: Actually, we already have. Some humans have no manners.

Spoiled Humans and Their Toys – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 9, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella: A box came.

Me: No introduction this time? No “I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges”?

Stella: Thank you for handling that for me. A box came.

Me: Yes.

Stella: A box came through the door.

Me: Yes.

Stella: A box came through the door into the house.

Me: Yes. This is a wonderful exercise in sentence building.

Stella: What is a sentence?

Me: Never mind.

Stella: The box. Was the box for me?

Me: No.

Stella: Did the box have toys for me?

Me: No.

Stella: Did the box have treats for me?

Me: No.

Stella: Did the box have food for me?

Me: No.

Stella: Oh, no! Did the box have an undignified costume for me? Like a pumpkin?

Me: I like bulldogs dressed as pumpkins. And ballerinas. And cowboys. And…

Stella: No! I knew it! Where can I hide until costume season is over? Couch? No, can’t fit under there. Behind the Picture Box? No, not enough room back there.

Me: The box is not for you.

Stella: For Tiger then? She’s always wanted to be a ballerina.

Me: The box was for me. It was a new laptop computer. My old one died.

Stella: Died? I am so sorry, Lady Human. You may pet my head if it will make you feel better.

Me: It was not a living creature. It was a machine. When I say it ‘died’, it stopped working and was not worth fixing.

Stella: It was a toy like the ones we shredded last year. No fun, no more.

Me: It’s a toy and it’s a tool.

Stella: Humans have lots of toys and tools. Your hands are always doing things I don’t understand. You spend too much time playing with them. I think I should take some of them away. When the next box comes, that will be mine. You don’t need any more toys. You are spoiled.

Me: I am spoiled?

Stella: Yes. I saw those plush pajama pants you brought home. You can’t fool me. Those are for you, not for me.

Me: They would not fit you.

Stella: Are you saying that I am too fat? How rude!

Me: No, I am saying that they are made for humans and that’s me. You may be disappointed with the next box that shows up. It will have books in it. Are you planning to learn to read?

Stella: Books? You mean those things you hold in your lap and stare at hour after hour? I’ll take them. They look delicious.

Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter – Welcome Back, Squirrels! – Stella’s Blog

Posted on October 6, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Here I am again! Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter, ready to right all wrongs and chase all squirrels!

Welcome back, Jerky McSquirrelyFace, you old rascal! Thought you could outsmart me, did you? Well…okay, you did outsmart me for a little while, but Lady Human discovered your trick and she let me in on where you have been hanging out.

And I hear that you have brought your girlfriend with you this time. The more the merrier. Wait! Does this mean that there will be a litter of puppy squirrels around here?

(Transcriptionist: Probably, but maybe not before next spring.)

Noooo! No puppy squirrels!

(Transcriptionist: Baby squirrels are not puppies. They are kittens.)

Double Noooo!!! How can that be? How can squirrels be cats?

(Transcriptionist: They are not cats. Their babies are just called kittens. Hey, I thought you were going to tell a Flying Stella story. This is more like one of our conversations.)

Silence, human!!

(Transcriptionist: If you want me to be silent, stop screaming and stop asking me questions. Save all that for another day.)

Cats, huh. I see their plan now. They are going to join up with Moon the Cat. She has probably been spying for them the whole time. Of course, Moon the Cat never goes outside so how does she pass messages to them? Perhaps by eye blinks through the windows. THAT’S IT! That’s how Jerky always knew where to be to rain nuts down on our heads. Moon the Cat warned him so he could be ready. Clever cat and clever cat squirrels.

(Transcriptionist: Nope.)

This is a terrible danger to the world of bulldogs. Cats on the ground and on top of furniture, counters, washing machines, and pianos. And cat squirrels jumping and climbing trees and fences, running, flying from tree to tree, not to mention scampering across rooftops like little scamps. And all in cahoots with each other.

Now more than ever I must hone my bulldog skills, especially flying.

(Transcriptionist: Since when is flying a bulldog skill?)

Stay alert, bulldogs! And you humans, too! I will keep you informed as the details of the cat/squirrel conspiracy unfold. Until then, I remain

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

Help! My Squirrel Is Missing! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 4, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and this is an emergency red alert to all humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. My squirrel, better known as Jerky McSquirrelyFace, is missing. If you see this squirrel, ask him why he left and tell him that we miss him…

Me: Wait! What is all this about? Your squirrel?

Stella: Jerky! I haven’t seen him in days!

Me: And you are just now putting out an alert? Your definition of emergency is different from mine.

Stella: I thought he might have gone on vacation.

Me: Do squirrels do that?

Stella: Sure. How would you like to eat the same pecans from the same trees all the time? I know how that feels, same old dog food every day, but back to Jerky. He has not come back. The sidewalks are clean. There are no half-eaten nuts or acorns on the ground. No one has been throwing shells on my head when I go outside.

Me: He hasn’t left.

Stella: What? Are you sure?

Me: Sure.

Stella: Well, where has the little booger been?

Me: He has expanded his territory. He is bringing food in from other places, still using our property as a base. I see him running down the top of our fence almost every morning when I am outside with Miss Sweetie. Usually he has a pecan in his mouth. Oh, and he has a girlfriend.

Stella: But…I thought…he liked me.

Me: He has a squirrel girlfriend. You are a bulldog as you are always reminding me.

Stella: Oh, all right!

Me: And what do you mean you thought he liked you? How many times have you complained about him? How he was throwing nuts on our heads and chucking at us. You were the one who named him ‘Jerky’. Most friends don’t call friends ‘Jerky’.

Stella: I was fond of him so I gave him a cute nickname.

Me: Are you fond of me? I wonder what cute nickname you’ve given me.

Stella: Well, that will just be my little secret. Never mind, humans and dogs within the sound of my voice. Red alert is cancelled. Jerky, my little squirrel nemesis, is still here. Let the games resume.

How Do You Balance? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 3, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have four legs. I always have had. I know of animals with fewer. I know that each human is given a maximum of two. What I want to know is how do humans balance on only one or two. It is a puzzlement to me.

Me: There is no mystery really. It is how we are made.

Stella: But I saw a puppy human walking on knees and hands. That is the same as four paws on the ground.

Me: Stella, with all due respect, there are no such things as “puppy humans”. There are babies who grow into toddlers who grow into children who grow into teenagers who grow into adults.

Stella: Blah, blah, blah. Puppies are puppies. Still, how do you do it? One day, puppy humans are on all fours and then the next, poof! They are balancing on no more than two feet, though not well. Then they are walking fast and are harder to keep up with and then they are running and the real fun begins. I admire you all greatly. I wish I could walk like that.

Me: It’s not exactly poof! It takes a lot of practice. Balance is a tricky skill. And it’s not just physical. There is emotional balance and there is mental balance. Balanced diet. Balanced hobbies. Balanced tires.

Stella: Balanced diet?

Me: I knew you would hear the one about food.

Stella: My diet is not balanced. There are far too few treats compared to food.

Me: That is balance for you. Dogs do not live by treats alone. Even good treats don’t give your body what it needs.

Stella: Then it needs better treats.

Me: I thought we were talking about how humans can balance on fewer than four legs.

Stella: You are the one who brought up treats.

Me: No, I think that was…

Stella: Treats! Please don’t change the subject. And see what you can do about balancing my diet.

Stella the Bulldog Poet – Conversations with Stella

Posted on October 2, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello, humans and dogs (and cats if any are listening or reading, even Moon the Cat). Please allow me to present my musical poem entitled “Bulldog Blues”.

BULLDOG BLUES by Stella the Bulldog Poet

They call us the dogs who are clowns

But our faces are turned down like frowns.

You can make us smile.

Our grins are wide for a while.

But then we get the Bulldog Blues.

Bluuuuuues! Mwahhh! Mwahhh! Grraahhgh!

Bulldog Blues!

The End

How did you like it?

Me: For a bulldog, it is really good.

Stella: For a bulldog?

Me: Well, I mean, you have a short vocabulary compared to humans, but you made a couple of rhymes and it sounds as though you could put it to music.

Stella: That was music. I was singing it. Didn’t you notice? You don’t have a very good ear for music, do you?

Me: I guess I’m used to the human kind.

Stella: I think they could play it where you push those buttons in your rolling box.

Me: The car radio?

Stella: If you say so. I think humans would start singing it, too.

Me: We could, but it won’t mean as much to us as it does to bulldogs.

Stella: Still, it is way better than that boring stuff you play on the car’s music box. All that stuff without words. It’s nice to nap to, but mine is better. And shorter. And louder.

Me: Loud. Now that is one thing we can agree on when it comes to bulldog singing.

Stella: Loud and proud. If you are going to sing, sing like a bulldog. Make sure everyone can hear it.

Bulldog Photo Op – Why Wasn’t It Me? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on September 29, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby decree that there shall be no more cute photos of Wiggles, who happens to be one of my bulldog subjects, by the way. Why is she getting all the attention?

Me: Now take it easy, Stella. No one was ignoring you. It’s just that Wiggles found the “window” in the fence and was checking out life on the other side.

Stella: Well, she looked ridiculous. You should have taken a picture of the other side if you know what I mean. A bulldog’s rear end wiggling but no head visible. Weird.

Me: She enjoyed seeing what I was up to, though to be honest, there is no way I can make taking out the trash interesting.

Stella: You see what I mean about Wiggles? She gets all excited about nothing and you all take pictures of her and call her ‘the sweetest dog ever’. Yuck! Sickly sweet! How much more sugar can you put on that?

Me: Are you jealous?

Stella: Jealous? Of Wiggles? Sweetest Dog Ever Wiggles who jumps up whenever you speak to her and shapes herself like a half-moon and dances that silly sidestep you call the ‘comma dance’? Hey, my Stella Step is a whole lot more complicated and I don’t see you whipping out your camera for that.

Me: Sorry. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. You have never much liked it when I start taking pictures of you.

Stella: And another thing. How smart is it to put you head through a hole in a fence? What if your head gets stuck? That’s a typical Wiggles sort of thing to do. You won’t catch me putting my head in a hole anywhere. Have you ever seen me stick my head through a hole?

Me: Honestly, now that you mention it, no. Only Wiggles. And Doodlebug. If Doodlebug can’t find a hole, he’ll make one. In fact, he made that hole in the fence.

Stella: Exactly. They don’t know what the smart thing is to do with their heads so they do something absurd like stick them through a hole. I guess that’s what gets the photo attention. ‘Oh, look at me. I’m so brilliant. I can stick my head through a hole.’

Me: I tell you what. I will take some new pictures of you…if you will cooperate.

Stella: Cooperate? Mmmm…on second thought, that is way too high a price to pay.

Debate! Bulldog Style! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on September 27, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby command all humans to BE SILENT!

Me: What is this about?

Stella: Who were those loud people that Tall Man was listening to last night?

Me: Loud people?

Stella: They talked and talked, on and on and on. It sounded like an argument. A boring human argument that went on and on and on…

Me: Oh, that was a debate between political candidates.

Stella: You didn’t listen to it.

Me: No, I was tired and a political debate was only going to make me more so.

Stella: Political debate? What is ‘political debate’?

Me: You know how you and the other bulldogs get face-to-face and huff and puff and rumble and growl at each other…

Stella: …and spit and go stiff-legged and tremble. Yes. Fun! Exciting!

Me: Especially when two of you are vying for a position in the pack.

Stella: You mean those two humans are fighting to become pack leader?

Me: Yeah, you might say so.

Stella: I did say so. I didn’t know that humans chose pack leaders that way, too.

Me: Well, humans don’t bare their teeth and snort the way bulldogs do. No, wait. I take that back.

Stella: Humans snort? That’s great! Show me!

Me: I’m not big into snorting.

Stella: Then you may never be pack leader among the humans. That is a shame.

Me: Having spent some time now as human pack leader among the bulldogs, I’m not sure I have enough energy left over to handle humans, too.

Stella: Will there be more political debates?

Me: So I understand.

Stella: Can Tall Man turn down the sound next time? The noise hurts my ears.

Queen Stella’s Dictionary for Bulldogs – Part 2 – Stella’s Blog

Posted on September 26, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen and Dictionarist for the Olde English Bulldogges. (How many words am I supposed to put in my dictionary?)

(Transcriptionist: That is up to you, but the more the better.)

Stella: Uh-oh. I may have bitten off more than I can chew. But I am a bulldog. I can handle a big mouthful, given enough time.

The Humans Say:

Sit!

The Bulldog Definition:

Put your rear end on the ground unless you don’t want to, in which case, stand or lie down as you wish. “Sit” is one of those words by which the humans mean, “Stay in place. I am in control.” Of course, we all know that they are not in control. We are bulldogs.

The Humans Say:

Stay!

The Bulldog Definition:

Move! Run! Roll around! Take a walk! Whatever you do, do not stay still! This human command is vague at best. Stay? For how long? What if it starts to rain? What if it starts to snow?

(Even in Texas, that is a possibility.)

The Humans Say:

Stop!

The Bulldog Definition:

Stop what? Immediately examine what you are doing. Humans use this command when you have something in your mouth or when you are standing on top of furniture or if you are using the toilet in the house. They are very sensitive about what we eat, where we stand, and where we use the bathroom.

(I don’t really understand why.)

The Humans Say:

Drop it!

The Bulldog Definition:

Stop and think. What do you have in your mouth? Even if you think you have a right to what is in your mouth, go ahead and drop it.

(It may have sentimental value to the humans. Or it may taste great but be bad for you. The humans are good about trying to save us from our desire to eat everything.)

That is all for now, bulldogs. Thank you for your divided attention. (I know that you were thinking about what you are going to eat next.)

Signed,

Queen Stella

Queen Stella’s Dictionary for Bulldogs – Part 1 – Stella’s Blog

Posted on September 23, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, am hereby starting a Dictionary for Bulldogs that will help all bully breeds better to understand humans who, as we know, are not clear in their instructions and who say silly things. My royal remarks are included in what my transcriptionist refers to as italics.

I will begin with a few common words and phrases that humans like to use almost every day:

THE HUMAN SAYS: BULLDOG DEFINITION:

Come! Stay where you are. Humans are always confused.

(For example, does the human mean come to where they are or come into the room where they are or come to a new place where they are going? What?)

Come now! Stay where you are. The human has specified a time but not a place.

Come here now! Stay where you are. Clearer as to time and place, but remember! You are a bulldog.

Come here now! (With treat in hand) Move immediately to the human and receive the offered treat.

(The human should have started with this instruction.)

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Stay where you are and stare.

(Humans talk a lot and expect dogs to listen as though we are human and understand everything that they are saying. Show respect by staring. The talking will eventually end and you may get a treat.)

BLAH! BLAH BLAH! BLAH! Stay where you are, stare, and perk your ears up. The human MAY be about to say something important. But maybe not.

Go! Stay where you are and stare at the human. Look as puzzled as possible even if you think you know what the human wants. “Go!” is not a direction.

(Humans believe that we can read their minds. As helpful as that would be, it is not true.)

Go there! Stay where you are, stare at the human, and check for a pointing finger or hand gesture. If there is, then and only then, look in the direction the human is pointing to let them know that you are considering going in that direction.

Go now! Stay where you are, stare, and check for a direction. The “Now” command means the human expects an immediate response. Slowly move in that direction, remembering that you are a bulldog.

(The problem with “Go” is that they never tell you how far to go. Stop when you reach a fence.)

This concludes my dictionary list for now. Thank you for paying attention, bulldogs.

I know how hard that is for you to do.

Signed,

Queen Stella of the Olde English Bulldogges

Do You Hear What I Hear? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on September 22, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Help! Weirdnesses have grown over Lady Human’s ears! Her ears are swollen so big. The weird things are consuming her head! If any humans can hear me, please help!

Me: It’s all right, Stella! These are headphones, not weirdnesses, whatever those are. They help me hear when everything conspires against me. Namely, barking bulldogs.

Stella: Why were you wearing them? They are not attractive. That is not an insult. That is a fact.

Me: Thank you for your bulldog bluntness. I was listening to a seminar by Michael Hyatt about productivity and focus. Despite his suggestions, my productivity and focus were sorely disrupted by the barking of a pack of bulldogs.

Stella: Your headphones did not protect you from our barking? We are more powerful than I thought we were. Excellent!

Me: No, not excellent. Loud and distracting! What was the barking about?

Stella: I don’t know. No one was speaking clearly. It sounded to me like Ruff! Ruff! Food! Ruff! Treats! Ruff! Ruff! Fun! You know. The usual stuff.

Me: Sadly, I don’t know. I’ll have to take your word for it.

Stella: I would not lie to you, Lady Human, not on purpose anyway.

Me: When you see my headphones on my head, can you all try to keep the noise to a minimum.

Stella: We will try. Now just how loud is a minimum?

Stink Eye 2.0 – Conversations with Stella

Posted on September 20, 2016September 20, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I received the infamous Stink Eye from Snoopey today.

Stella: As an Olde English Bulldogge myself, I greatly appreciate Snoopey’s skill at delivering the Stink Eye. She is an artist.

Me: Well, I don’t find it to be a work of art.

Stella: Why did she shoot the Stink Eye at you? Did you cave in to it? Did you show weakness?

Me: No, I did not cave or show weakness. What kind of human would I be if I did? She objected to me letting you out for a sunbath before I let her out.

Stella: What? Queen Stella comes first. How dare she?

Me: She did not appreciate it. She gave me a sidelong, extended Stink Eye, bulldog-style. Now I understand that she is the pack leader among the dogs and I respect that.

Stella: Yes, every day you open her crate first and she gets first pick on treats. I don’t like it, but I tolerate it.

Me: So how is it that Snoopey is pack leader and you are the Queen?

Stella: The Queen is royal and regal and dignified. That’s me all over. The pack leader defends, watches, warns, balances. That is Snoopey all over. I admire her. But she has no right to sunbathe before me! No! No! No!

Me: I’ll try to balance your competing interests.

Stella: No competition. I win. I am the Queen. A queen without a crown…hint, hint.

Me: I still haven’t found a suitable one. I could make you one out of…

Stella: Don’t say cardboard. Nope. Real crown.

Me: What about plast…

Stella: Nope. No plastic.

Me: You stopped me too soon. What about plaster?

Stella: Plaster. Hmmm. Nope. I don’t know what it is, but it sounds cheap. My crown should be expensive.

Me: I’ll keep working on it.

Stella: Work harder! Work faster!

Me: Or what?

Stella: Oh, I think you know. If you don’t, go ask Snoopey Stink Eye.

You’re All Wet! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on September 19, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I AM STELLA, QUEEN OF THE OLDE ENGLISH BULLDOGGES! HERE ME ROAR!

Me: Is that what that noise was? I thought you were choking on something. What a relief!

Stella: Silence, peasant!

Me: Excuse me?

Stella: You are excused.

Me: Stella, remember? “No rude, no crude, no bulldog mood.”

Stella: Yes, I remember. Sounds like something a human would say.

Me: It is.

Stella: You are all wet. You are dripping on the floor. How come?

Me: Miss Sweetie and I had a difference of opinion about whether or not she would take a bath. I won. And I lost.

Stella: Hahaha! Well, she does smell better. So I think we all won. But you are still all wet.

Me: I’ll dry out. One of the great things about being human is our ability to change clothes. One of the great things about wrestling Miss Sweetie over a bath is that I get a wonderful physical workout. 70 pounds of bulldog pulling this way and that makes me work for my victory.

Stella: Any day Miss Sweetie smells good is a victory for all of us. Congratulations!

Me: That reminds me. You are about due for a bath yourself.

Stella: Whaaagggttt? Naw. It wasn’t that long ago. You are all wet.

Me: So if I dry out and give you a bath, you are saying that I will be all wet again?

Stella: Well, not on purpose. But yes, on purpose. Have you seen my shake and roll?

Me: Uh-huh.

Stella: I can sling it. Yeah, I can. Do you doubt it?

Me: Nope.

Stella: I am going to get a bath, am I not?

Me: Yep. And that’s not a bad thing, my friend.

Stella: It’s all right in the aftermath. Or afterbath.

	H.J. Hill on A Grumbly Blitz of Bulldogs…
	u2hearts on A Grumbly Blitz of Bulldogs…
	u2hearts on Stuck in a Rut – Convers…
	Trent R on Special Spaces – Convers…
	H.J. Hill on A Refuse Pile of Notions…

	H.J. Hill on A Grumbly Blitz of Bulldogs…
	u2hearts on A Grumbly Blitz of Bulldogs…
	u2hearts on Stuck in a Rut – Convers…
	Trent R on Special Spaces – Convers…
	H.J. Hill on A Refuse Pile of Notions…

Author: H.J. Hill