You Call That a Crown? – Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, supposedly Illustrious, supposedly Noble, have been humiliated.

Me:        I’m sorry, Stella. I truly am. I thought it was funny and you would like it.

Stella:    What is that monstrous thing that you put on my head?

Me:        A lady at a big pet supply store gave it to me around Christmas time. It was part of a promotion they were running.

Stella:    What you mean is that they were trying to make money from making dogs look stupid.

Me:        They just want people to have fun with their pets. It was too small for your big bulldoggy head. I had to sew an elastic extension so it would fit…

Stella:    Excuses! Excuses! ‘There is no crown, Stella, but look, I brought you a weird, stupid fuzzy thing to wear on your head and I even had to spend time sewing on it. Hahaha! Merry Christmas! And it’s not even Christmas time anymore.’

Me:        All right, I get it. It wasn’t funny to you. Wiggles liked it. She tried to steal it this afternoon.

Stella:    Yeah, Wiggles would. Well, no matter what Wiggles’ tastes in headgear are, I think it stinks and not in that good smelly way that dogs enjoy. And now I am going to have to wipe my face with my paws to get rid of the memory of that fuzzy thing being on my royal head.

Me:        I am sorry, Stella. No more weird fuzzy things on your head. I promise. And I will still come up with a crown for you.

Stella:    Yes, regarding crowns, I have a list of No’s: No fuzz! No pink – it is fine for crowns on little human girls, but not bulldog queens. No long dangly things unless they are legitimate chew sticks. No chin straps…

Me:        But how are we going to keep it on without…


Me:        You need a nap.

Stella:    I wouldn’t need one if SOMEONE I know had not tried to make me wear a fuzzy pointy thing on my head. Now, good evening. I’m going to take a nap.



Copyright 2017 H.J Hill All Rights Reserved.

I Don’t Get No Respect – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges, but I don’t get no respect. No respect at all.

Me:        You mean you don’t get any respect.

Stella:    See! Even you know it.

Me:        Why do you think you aren’t respected?

Stella:    Look at the top of my head. Vacant! Do you see a crown, Lady Human? I will answer that. NO! No crown! A crown-less queen!

Me:        Okay, well…

Stella:    Another thing. I saw Jerky the Squirrel in the yard today.

Me:        That’s not unusual. He is normally around. The only time he leaves our place is when he runs to somebody else’s place to hunt pecans and acorns there. He and his friends have pretty much cleaned us over. The pickin’s are lean.

Stella:    Jerky McSquirrelyFace searching for a few stray acorns was not the problem. Guess where he was.

Me:        In the backyard. I saw him.

Stella:    Where in the backyard, Lady Human?

Me:        Under the red oak tree.

Stella:    UNDER the red oak tree! Not on the red oak tree. Not up in the branches of the red oak tree. On the ground! Of all the nerve! There we were, human and bulldogs, and he didn’t even have the decency to jump on a tree trunk. He didn’t even have the decency to pretend that he was afraid of us. No respect! I warned you, didn’t I? He has been taunting us since summer.

He doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter and Cat Catcher.

Me:        You don’t have to worry about flying since he’s running on the ground.

Stella:    He still jumps on tree trunks and branches and fences. He is such a little cheater.

Me:        Jerky is a wild animal. He is pretty much going where he wants to. Put yourself in his place. He must be able to retreat.

Stella:    What about us? Where can we go to get away from him?

Me:        Inside the house. He’s not allowed in there.

Stella:    No, he isn’t, is he? The house is still my kingdom. My ever-shrinking kingdom. Lady Human, we need a bigger house.

Me:        Uh…

Stella:    A great big house with lots of rooms where no squirrels will ever be allowed.

Me:        Well, no squirrels will ever be allowed in our medium-sized house so…

Stella:    And the great big house will be my squirrel-less kingdom.

Me:        How about I work harder on getting you that crown you’ve been wanting?

Stella:    Okay. Fair trade.



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stink Eye 2.0 – Conversations with Stella

I received the infamous Stink Eye from Snoopey today.

Stella:    As an Olde English Bulldogge myself, I greatly appreciate Snoopey’s skill at delivering the Stink Eye. She is an artist.

Me:        Well, I don’t find it to be a work of art.

Stella:    Why did she shoot the Stink Eye at you? Did you cave in to it? Did you show weakness?

Me:        No, I did not cave or show weakness. What kind of human would I be if I did? She objected to me letting you out for a sunbath before I let her out.

Stella:    What? Queen Stella comes first. How dare she?

Me:        She did not appreciate it. She gave me a sidelong, extended Stink Eye, bulldog-style. Now I understand that she is the pack leader among the dogs and I respect that.

Stella:    Yes, every day you open her crate first and she gets first pick on treats. I don’t like it, but I tolerate it.

Me:        So how is it that Snoopey is pack leader and you are the Queen?

Stella:    The Queen is royal and regal and dignified. That’s me all over.  The pack leader defends, watches, warns, balances. That is Snoopey all over. I admire her. But she has no right to sunbathe before me! No! No! No!

Me:        I’ll try to balance your competing interests.

Stella:    No competition. I win. I am the Queen. A queen without a crown…hint, hint.

Me:        I still haven’t found a suitable one. I could make you one out of…

Stella:    Don’t say cardboard. Nope. Real crown.

Me:        What about plast…

Stella:    Nope. No plastic.

Me:        You stopped me too soon. What about plaster?

Stella:    Plaster. Hmmm. Nope. I don’t know what it is, but it sounds cheap. My crown should be expensive.

Me:        I’ll keep working on it.

Stella:    Work harder! Work faster!

Me:        Or what?

Stella:    Oh, I think you know. If you don’t, go ask Snoopey Stink Eye.



Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Once Upon a Time – Conversations with Stella

Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge Queen, is back with me for another conversation. So what’s the topic this time, girl?”

Stella:   Girl? How rude! Would you call the Queen of England “girl”?

Me:        No, but the Queen of England is…how shall I say this…a real queen.

Stella:   Hmmph! You don’t know your queens, do you?  A crown does not a queen make. So, by the way, where’s my crown?

Me:        I thought you just said that a crown does not a queen make.

Stella:   That doesn’t mean I don’t want one. I have even started a story about it.

Once upon a time, there was a special dog named Stella. She was a queen, but nobody gave her a crown to wear, just a dumb old collar that was at least a pretty color. Without a crown, people could not tell that she was a queen. One day, she pulled her collar off and wore it on her head, but since it had no gold or jewels, people stared at her and said, “Look! A dog with a collar on her head. Who does she think she is – a queen?

How do you like it so far?

Me:        It’s kind of sad. Now I want to get you a crown.

Stella:   Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Make it solid gold with jewels, all different colors, and those pointy things all around the top. Will you ever wear a crown, Lady Human?

Me:        Only as God grants.

Stella:   I think you would look good in one. Not as good as I will, but good enough.


Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.