Bulldoggy

Pretty Is As Pretty Does – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 23, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Whatcha doin’, Lady Human?

Me: I’m sewing some bling on an old top to make it look better. I want to look good come Saturday.

Stella: Saturday?

Me: That’s what we call the seventh day of the week. Each day has a name.

Stella: And humans are supposed to look good on Saturday?

Me: Well, I need to look good on this coming Saturday. My youngest child is getting married.

Stella: Your puppy?

Me: No, Stella. Human child. Not puppy. Remember?

Stella: What is ‘married’? Is that like taking a long, long nap?

Me: It can feel like that sometimes, but, no, it is when 2 people start a life together. This Saturday is my daughter’s wedding day. There will be a ceremony.

Stella: A ceremony. I understand. Like when a dog buries a bone.

Me: Not exactly. Humans dress up for our ceremonies. I am trying to look decent for this wedding, but I’m not sure I’m succeeding.

Stella: Humans worry about silly things. Your child is getting married and you are thinking about how your clothes look.

Me: Humans can be very judgmental.

Stella: Your clothes don’t make you. Your heart makes you. If I were getting married, I would want you to be there, no matter what you were wearing. I love you for your heart, Lady Human, not for your clothes.

Me: Thank you, Stella. I love you for your heart, too, not for your…well…lack of clothes.

Stella: Hey, are you calling me naked?

Me: Yeah.

Stella: Fair enough.

Puppy Days of Old – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Lady Human!

Me: I’m here! No need to shout.

Stella: Where are you?

Me: Here in the hall, digging through old boxes of family pictures.

Stella: My family?

Me: No, sorry. I don’t have any old pictures of your family. Or even of you. You were grown by the time you came to us.

Stella: Do you remember your puppy days?

Me: No.

Stella: That’s too bad.

Me: Because as we have discussed before, I was never a puppy.

Stella: But you were little once.

Me: Yes, I was a human child.

Stella: Too bad you weren’t a puppy. We could compare memories.

Me: What puppy memories do you have?

Stella: Fuzzy ones. My mom. Her warm body. Her milk which was the best thing ever.

Me: Better than food and treats now?

Stella: Maybe not better. Different but good. And then there were my brothers and sisters. Squirmy little varmints. Always pushing me aside so they could eat first, just because I was smaller.

Me: Did your sister, Snoopey, push you aside?

Stella: Well, no.

Me: Because I heard a story about you and Snoopey from when you were young.

Stella: Uh-oh.

Me: Yeah. I heard that you and Tiger’s mom picked on Snoopey. Is that true?

Stella: I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may prove that you are right.

Me: Stella?

Stella: Well, Tiger’s mom made me do it.

Me: Stella?

Stella: Oh, all right. When you are smaller than everybody and some big dog befriends you, sometimes you go along with their bulldog bullying and….maybe you do some things that you shouldn’t…and maybe later you regret being a jerk. So there.

Me: Especially when the dog you picked on ended up being your pack leader?

Stella: Hey, sisters play tricks on each other.

Me: I wouldn’t know myself.

Stella: Because you were an only puppy.

Me: Child.

Stella: Whatever.

Me: Do you ever wonder if how you all treated her is what made Snoopey the pack leader she is now, always looking out for everybody else?

Stella: Everybody except Tiger.

Me: Yeah, they still don’t get along, do they?

Stella: Nope.

Me: I am glad that you two do.

Stella: WAAAAHHH! Lady Human, I was so mean! Why was I so mean?

Me: You were a puppy. You’ve grown up since then. Don’t cry. It was a long time ago in dog years.

Stella: Are you calling me old?

Random Acts of Bulldog Kindness – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 20, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am, as I always have been and ever shall be, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Have you always been a queen?

Stella: Queens are born, not made, Lady Human.

Me: So, you were automatically a queen from the moment of your birth.

Stella: Yes. Yes, I believe that I was.

Me: And birth order had nothing to do with it, because I’m not sure…

Stella: Silence! Do not question your queen!

Me: My queen? I am not an Olde English Bulldogge. Or any bulldog. Or any dog, for that matter.

Stella: Still we love you. Which is why we show you kindness by licking your feet.

Me: Feet licking is defined as kindness?

Stella: Of course. Foot washing is one of the old human customs, isn’t it? Didn’t you read me the story of Jesus washing his disciples’ feet? And didn’t the dogs lick Lazarus’ wounds?

Me: Yes.

Stella: And didn’t you tell me that when people went on long journeys, one of the first acts of kindness was when their host would wash their feet and even your ancestors practiced that as a courtesy in the deep woods of whatever scary part of the world it was they were from?

Me: Texas. Yes, it was refreshing and welcome after a long, hot walk or ride.

Stella: And your great – great – great – great – great – great – great – great – great…

Me: Okay, how ever many times great…

Stella: …grand sire would pay his grandchildren a nickel a piece if they would wash his feet on a hot day?

Me: A nickel was a small fortune to a young child way back then. They could buy candy and pencils and all kinds of things for that.

Stella: Which reminds me, Lady Human, wouldn’t a nickel buy a lot of treats?

Me: Well, not much at today’s prices. Besides, are you performing random acts of bulldog kindness for reward?

Stella: No, you are giving us treats as random acts of human kindness. I mean, just because an act is kind doesn’t mean it has to be uneven, right?

Special Me – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 19, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogs – not the Olde French Bulldogs (even though I love their little bodies and cute smooshy faces), not the Olde Russian Bulldogs (I think that they do not exist, so how could I be their queen?), or even the Olde American Bulldogs (as there are no “old” style American anythings. Americans are all “new style”, so there!)

Hello, humans and dogs. And cats, if any are reading this (which I doubt).

Allow me to introduce my subject of the day. ME! Me, me, me, wonderful me! Me all the time, all day and all night! Me, me, me, special bulldog me!

Why am I so special? Permit me to explain.

Me: I know you will whether you are permitted to or not.

Stella: Never mind Lady Human, dear readers. She is envious of my specialness.

Me: As if that’s a real thing.

Stella: I am special because, unlike the humans (and some dogs), I do not pay attention to the human news. What do I do instead? NAP! Try it out. It is wonderful. If I don’t feel like napping through the human news, I snack. That is why I always save a little bit of my food for later, unlike the other bulldogs who seem to think that woofing it all down in a few minutes is the way to go. If I don’t like what I am hearing on the human news, I can drown it out with crunching. I recommend it, humans. Crunching good food drowns out a lot of other noise.

Do you know why else I am special?

Me: I await with bated breath.

Stella: Bated breath? Is that like bulldog breath after Doodlebug has eaten something that he shouldn’t have? Because if it is that, ewww! Not interested!

Me: No, it means I can’t wait to hear what else you have to say about your specialness.

Stella: Well, in that case, let me tell you. I am special because Lady Human lets me come into her room and she helps me get up on her bed and she doesn’t mind if I start flipping around and get really excited and grin a lot and even drool (a little – I am not a big time drooler) and I breathe heavily and lick her and step on her. She doesn’t mind if I think her room stinks of weird smells and I want to leave suddenly. She does not take it personally. And so, there it is. I am special.

Me: Yes, you are.

Stella: You think so, too!

Me: Yes, and some day, if you are ready for a good cry, I will tell you all the reasons why, I believe, God Most High brought you to me. Special me.

Stella: I would like to hear that, Lady Human. But meanwhile, it’s not special you. It’s Special Me.

It’s Past Your Bedtime, Human! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 18, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble. Oh, and I am an Olde English Bulldogge.

Me: And you all are not, I repeat, NOT in charge of my sleep schedule. I repeat – NOT!

Stella: How rude, Lady Human, and how excessively repetitive! And how incorrect.

Me: No, no, no. You all govern much of my daily schedule. You have no say-so as to when I go to bed.

Stella: Personally, I don’t care, but Snoopey expects a regular sleepy time.

Me: So I heard.

Stella: She told you?

Me: She complains loudly starting around 10 p.m.

Stella: Why don’t you just go to bed when she wants to?

Me: Bulldogs are not the only creatures that can be stubborn.

Stella: Yes, we are!

Me: No, you’re not!

Stella: Yes, we are! Yes, we are! Yes, we are! Are you trying to ruin our reputation?

Me: I am an adult human. NOBODY tells me when to go to bed!

Snoopey: Time for bed!

Me: Okay.

Bulldog Poetry in the Dark – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 17, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: I am a little fuzzy on the whole queen thing. Can you give the bulldogs commands? Will they mind you?

Stella: Can I? I can. Do I? All the time. Will they mind? Quien sabe? Did you notice that? I answered in Spanish. I am a bilingual dog! Yay me!

Me: If you say so.

Stella: I know you, Lady Human. You would not be bringing this question up if there were not something you want me to order the bulldogs to do.

Me: Yes. PLEASE, no more extended barking during the dark.

Stella: Who was doing that?

Me: You know who.

Stella: Was it me?

Me: No. Wait. Wouldn’t you know if you were barking?

Stella: Not if I were in the middle of one of my wonderful Flying Stella squirrel chasing dreams. Wonderful. Flying. Me.

Me: No, it was not you. It was Miss Sweetie. It was 5 a.m., really 4 a.m. if you don’t go by Daylight Savings Time, also known as Fake Time. Not a sunray in sight and she was popping off and nothing was wrong. It was pitch dark and I was trying to sleep.

Stella: Of course, nothing was wrong. And that was not barking.

Me: You could’ve fooled me.

Stella: We often do, Lady Human. You notice that no one else joined in.

Me: So, she was not barking even though it sounded just like barking.

Stella: It was Bulldog Poetry. Sweetie is a Bulldog Poet like me.

Me: What was she saying?

Stella: Oh, I don’t know. It was pitch dark and I was trying to sleep.

Eat, Eat, And Eat Again! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 14, 2017March 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, Illustrious, Noble, and slightly ticked off. I eat once a day (not counting treats), sometimes twice a day if I don’t feel like finishing my breakfast all at one time. But Lady Human is another matter. She eats umpteen gillion times a day (yes, that is a number – a bulldog number) and she never offers me any.

Me: You eat exactly as much as is recommended for you. If I start giving you my food, there will be no end.

Stella: Of course not, because you never stop eating.

Me: Nonsense.

Stella: How many times a day do you eat?

Me: I refuse to be judged by a bulldog. Especially not by a bulldog with your fascination over food.

Stella: How many? How many? How many?

Me: Oh, all right. Stop hopping up and down. Well, there is breakfast.

Stella: And then?

Me: Second breakfast?

Stella: Like those cute Hobbits in that long, long movie with all the ugly orcs and that Ring that everybody just had to have. I understand. Sometimes one breakfast is simply not enough.

Me: Then lunch. And then a light snack, usually fruit. And after that, a high protein snack. And finally, supper.

Stella: Lady Human, for shame!

Me: I break my food consumption up into 6 small meals a day instead of 3 larger ones. It works well for me.

Stella: And what do you call your meal of cookies, brownies, cake, and candy?

Me: I don’t make a meal of that.

Stella: Uh-huh.

Me: I mean I may have some of that stuff once in a while, but it’s not a meal.

Stella: Uh-huh.

Me: It’s not!

Stella: Share with me when you decide to eat it next time.

Me: I can’t. It’s not healthy…

Stella: Ummm! Caught!

Me: Hey, there’s a lot of stuff that is healthy for me, that I can eat but you can’t – avocados, grapes, raisins, garlic, onions, chocolate…

Stella: Cookies, brownies, cake, candy.

Me: Why is it important to you what I eat?

Stella: I care.

Me: Stella, I’m touched. That is so sweet. You care.

Stella: Of course, I care. I will always care. Food. It’s what’s for supper.

Foot Bath Furor – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on March 12, 2017 by H.J. Hill

As a human, I am constantly surprised by what sets the bulldogs off. The latest barking/whining frenzy started…

Stella: When your feet disappeared, Lady Human! WHEN YOUR FEET DISAPPEARED!

Miss Sweetie: Nooooo! Where did they go, Lady Human? Horrible!

Stella: Settle down, Sweetie! I will make Lady Human tell us where her feet went!

Me: This is a foot bath.

Stella: It eats feet! Keep it far away from us! We have lots of feet!

Me: Look! See! Here are my feet!

Miss Sweetie: They are back! Wonderful! You are so talented, Lady Human.

Me: It is a foot bath. I put my feet down in it like this…

Miss Sweetie: Noooo! They’re gone again! Why?

Me: And I take them out like this.

Miss Sweetie: What a relief! They are back! Lady Human is my hero. She can do anything.

Me: Not exactly.

Doodlebug: Why are you letting that monster chew on your feet?

Me: It is full of warm water and I soak my feet in it.

Tiger: Ridiculous. Why would anyone volunteer to put their feet in a box of water?

Snoopey: Tiger is always wrong. I have never agreed with her. Until now.

Me: Look, y’all. It’s a matter of perspective. From where you are, I can understand that it looks like my feet disappear.

Wiggles: Yeah, your legs look funny with a big box on the end of them. Your feet disappear, and then they come back, and then they disappear, and then they come back. You are the funniest human ever.

Stella: Wiggles, it’s not funny! It’s scary. And the box of water is making a growling noise. I don’t trust it.

Me: Come over here, Stella, and look down into the foot bath. You can see my feet.

Stella: No way, Lady Human! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. Why are you trying to fool a poor ole bulldog?

Me: Wait. When did I fool you once?

Stella: Not important.

Me: Perspective. What things look like from where you sit may not be the way they really are.

Stella: Good, because from where I sit, that box of water on your feet looks weird and scary.

I Will Take No Further Questions! – Stella’s Audience with the Pack

Posted on March 11, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, yes, me. Queen. Illustrious. Noble. Olde English Bulldogge. All of that. I hereby declare this audience open and I will take no further questions.

Me: You just opened the audience. Why not?

Stella: That is a question.

Me: Technically, yes.

Stella: Let me be clear. I will take no more questions from you, Lady Human.

Me: Just me?

Stella: That is a question. No questions from you.

Me: Why not? What did I do wrong?

Stella: Those are 2 questions. I will entertain questions from anyone else.

Me: There are no other humans present right now.

Stella: Then human questions must wait. I may have some time next year, whatever a year is. Are there any bulldogs with questions?

Tiger: Yes. Why are you the queen and why are you so rude?

Stella: Those are 2 questions also. Please do not try my patience by attempting to string multiple questions together, pretending that they are one long question. Plus I don’t like your questions. I hereby amend my declaration. No more questions from Lady Human or Tiger. Next!

Miss Sweetie: I have a question, Aunt Stella.

Stella: Go ahead, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie: Why?

Stella: Why what?

Miss Sweetie: Why? Just why? Why daytime? Why night? Why up? Why down? Why do I have four legs and Lady Human only has two? Why this? Why not that?

Stella: Halt! New amendment to my declaration. No further questions from anyone under the age of two.

Wiggles: I have a question. I am older than two.

Stella: Good, Wiggles. What is your question?

Wiggles: Hahahahaha! You asked a question. Now I have to answer it…Never mind. I forgot.

Stella: Awwwggghhh. Whose idea was it to have these audiences?

Me: Sorry, not taking questions from you right now.

Wiggles: You said it was what queens do. Hey, Stella, there! I answered a question. Hahahaha!

Snoopey: I have something to say.

Stella: Very well. Proceed.

Snoopey: Be quiet!

Stella: That was not a question.

Snoopey: It is the answer.

Stella: To what question, pray tell?

Snoopey: To any question. Especially the question of what do you say to Stella when she is being loud and rude?

Stella: Insolent and insubordinate.

Snoopey: Exactly.

Stella: That’s it! End of the audience. I will not take any further questions from anyone. Next audience, I will be asking AND answering my own questions. I like my questions better. Dismissed!

Snoopey: Lady Human, when is the next audience? It ought to be a hoot.

Lady Human: I’ll bring the popcorn.

Queen Stella Holds Court – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 8, 2017March 8, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, am entertaining a question from Lady Human. Human queens call this an audience, but that is strange because only the two of us are here. Anyway, go on and ask thy question.

Me: Very gracious of you.

Stella: Indeed, it is. Pray, what is thy question?

Me: Why are you talking like that?

Stella: Thou hast been playing the Picture Box a lot with many people on it talking this way. I think that they speak prettily.

Me: I suppose they do. Now for my question…

Stella: I have already answered thy question.

Me: No, I haven’t asked it yet.

Stella: Yes, thou didst. Thou asked about my pretty talk.

Me: That was just because it sounded so weird coming from your mouth. I had another question.

Stella: Thou hast my permission to proceed. Ask thy annoying question.

Me: How do you know it is annoying?

Stella: All human questions are annoying. I would rather be napping.

Me: Okay, what I want to understand is…

Stella: No, thou hast already asked thy second question.

Me: Hey, not fair!

Stella: I am Queen. I decide what is fair.

Me: That alone is grossly unfair.

Stella: Silence, churl!

Me: Okay, off goes the television.

Snoring Day – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 7, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am here today to sing a song that I made up all by myself.

Me: All by yourself?

Stella: Yes, from listening to one of your old boring shows on the Picture Box.

Me: My shows are not boring.

Stella: That is all right, Lady Human. Boring is as boring does. Here is my new song:

We were napping along

On Bulldog Bay

You could hear the bulldogs snoring

They seemed to say..ay..ay

You have taken my bone…

Give it back right away..ay..ay

While we keep snoring on Bulldog Bay.

Me: You didn’t write that song. That tune is from “Moonlight Bay”, an old, old song.

Stella: For old, old humans.

Me: Hey!

Stella: I like old human songs and some old humans, too. Some of them I could do without. But didn’t you like my words?

Me: They were very bulldoggy. Not quite as romantic as the original lyrics.

Stella: My words fit this afternoon’s mood. Napping. Snoring. Snoring. Dreaming of bones. Snoring.

Me: Yeah, there was considerable snoring this afternoon. A low-level roar.

Stella: Best sound ever.

Me: I found it strangely soothing.

Stella: I mean my song. Let me sing it again.

Me: I mean the snoring was strangely soothing.

Stella: I don’t see how. The snoring was out of tune and did not keep time with my singing. Anyway, here goes. New verse: We were snoring along on Bulldog Bay….

Me: It’s going to be a long evening, isn’t it?

I Am Not a Bulldog! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 5, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello. I am the human in charge of this blog and I have not expressed my strong opinion on this forum for quite some time now.

Stella: Wrong! You interrupt my royal opinions all the time. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello, Humans. How do you do? What does that mean anyway? How do you do…what?

Me: It’s an old human expression.

Stella: Ah, so it is used by old humans. Now I understand why you use it, Lady Human.

Me: Excuse me?

Stella: You are excused, but only this once.

Me: I did not use it. YOU used it.

Stella: Precisely. And I would not have used it if you had not used it before me. Voila´, I win again.

Me: I think you are not using that word correctly.

Stella: What word? Win? Again?

Me: Never mind.

Stella: Gladly. Now what do you want to complain about, Lady Human? Not that I am interested. I am just trying to be polite.

Me: Yesterday, Miss Sweetie grabbed my ankles with her mouth and nipped me.

Stella: I saw that! That was hilarious! She should do that all the time.

Me: No, she shouldn’t. No biting the humans, remember. Even in play. It is a bad habit and could go terribly wrong.

Stella: No, you are the one who is wrong. It was hilarious! Best laugh all day.

Me: We need to go back over the rules.

Stella: She was excited to see you. You had been gone for SO LONG!

Me: I went to lunch with a friend. I was gone 3 hours.

Stella: You need to schedule these ridiculous lunch things with us first. Why did it take you 3 hours to eat? It never takes us more than a few minutes. Humans are slow.

Me: I had to drive there and back. That took half an hour. And humans talk during meals.

Stella: Waste of time! Humans talk too much.

Me: Bottom line, Miss Sweetie must not bite me when she is playing.

Stella: She was welcoming you home and into our bulldog pack. That is the way she plays with us. What an honor!

Me: I am not a bulldog.

Stella: Well, not anymore, you aren’t. Not after all this complaining. Now you will have to reapply.

Me: I never applied to be a bulldog.

Stella: You must have. We don’t accept just anybody.

Movie Dogs, Please! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 3, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! It has become harder and harder to take an uninterrupted nap around here. Is that too much to ask? I only sleep 18 hours a day…well, maybe 20, and some of that is at night. I can’t get by on less. I need my beauty sleep.

Me: You can tell time? And I haven’t noticed any nap disruptions.

Stella: What about last night when Tall Man was working on one of his silly human projects?

Me: He works late. He has to finish things when he can. And human projects aren’t silly.

Stella: All human projects are silly unless they have to do with me. Then there is Miss Sweetie, slinging her chew toys around with all their clunkety clunking.

Me: She loves those toys and besides, her play calms her down so she can sleep.

Stella: Then there is you.

Me: Me? I am keeping you from napping?

Stella: You and your Picture Box.

Me: I can turn the sound down.

Stella: It is not most of the sounds. It is one sound. The sound of dogs.

Me: I would think that you would like to see more dogs on television.

Stella: See, yes; hear, no. Permit me to say that having dogs show up at random times in movies is ridiculous.

Me: Why?

Stella: Have you ever listened to them?

Me: Yeah, they’re usually barking.

Stella: Empty noise. They never know their lines. It’s all “What do we do now?” and “What did he say?” and “I’m hungry. Where are the treats? There were treats at rehearsal.”

Me: It just sounds like barking to me.

Stella: The movie people need to get a translator.

Me: I don’t think there are dog translators. Yet.

Stella: Well then, the movie dogs need their own queen.

Me: Director.

Stella: Directors are higher than queens?

Me: On movie sets, they are.

Stella: Very well. If I must, in addition to being queen, I will now be Dog Director. Here is my direction. SHUT UP! I need to sleep. Good night.

Giant Ants – I Told You So! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 28, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and very ticked off at Lady Human. She told me that there are no such things as giant insects, but this very minute she is watching giant ants on the Picture Box. The human army is fighting them which is what the army is supposed to do. It is about time.

Me: Stella, this is an old movie called Them. It’s older than I am.

Stella: And still the Giant Ant problem persists.

Me: No, there never was a Giant Ant problem.

Stella: Denial.

Me: This is a fiction movie. There were not and are not giant ants.

Stella: If there are not and never were Giant Insects, why do humans keep making movies about them?

Me: Humans enjoy scary ideas so long as they aren’t things that can really happen.

Stella: Humans are stupid.

Me: Sometimes. Agreed.

Stella: Those army men in the movie are using flame throwing sticks to kill the Giant Ants. You have flame throwing sticks so we are safe.

Me: I do not have flamethrowers. Not even one.

Stella: What about those sticks you use to light your big, fat smelly candles?

Me: We talked about that. Those are automatic matches. They are like cigarette lighters. You pull a button, they strike a spark, and a liquid fuel ignites, giving you a flame on the end of a metal tube. That’s all.

Stella: So, we are not safe from Giant Ants.

Me: There are no giant ants.

Stella: How far away is the army? How fast can they get here? They have real flame throwing sticks, right? The movie is not all made up, right?

Me: We don’t need the army. There are no giant ants. Well, not like the ones on the movie.

Stella: And now, the truth.

Me: The largest so-called ant I have ever seen was about an inch long. It was what we call a Cow Killer.

Stella: A Giant Ant that kills those big sweet cows? NOOO!

Me: They don’t kill cows and they aren’t ants, though they look like them. They are wasps that wear thick red hair. They are also called Red Velvet Ants. Their bite hurts so much that people started saying it was bad enough to kill a cow. So, they earned that nickname.

Stella: Where, Lady Human, did you see this monster fake ant? Was it around here?

Me: Not too far. It was at a Boy Scout camp some little ways southwest of here.

Stella: NOOO! That’s why the movie said the ants were in Texas. You heard it. TEXAS. That’s here!

Me: Stop worrying. The movie is a made-up story, Stella.

Stella: That’s what they want you to think. Where do you think they got the idea for that made-up story? You have the army’s phone number, right?

Stop Flinging Goo! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 27, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble of the Olde English Bulldogges. I can hear Lady Human talking loudly outside where she has been doing yard work with Doodlebug. She is saying one word over and over – “YUCK!” Why she is saying the YUCK word, I have no idea. That word is usually reserved for bathroom matters or bulldog flatulence or regurgitation. (Human words get longer and longer when referring to normal life. Why not just say ‘gas’ and… what is regurgitation again? Oh, yeah, well, never mind. Humans are so sensitive.)

Lady Human! What is the Yucking for?

Me: Doodlebug had this foot-long…

Stella: Hot dog? The good eating kind? Where’s mine?

Me: No, foot-long drool, the thick, sticky kind. And he shook his head and it landed on my bare arm and… Yuck! Cold. Nasty. Drool.

Stella: Doodlebug! Why did you sling your drool?

Doodlebug: Huh? Drool? What drool?

Stella: Of course, you say that now. You slung it off and it flew through the air and landed on Lady Human.

Doodlebug: Hahaha!

Stella: No! Not funny!

Doodlebug: Aw, Aunt Stella.

Stella: Aunt Stella nothing! You don’t see Lady Human slinging her drool on you!

Me: I don’t drool!

Stella: Have you ever watched yourself nap? But you are polite enough not to sling it.

Me: Aagghh! What was that?

Stella: Miss Sweetie shook her head. Looks like you have some more goo on your arm.

Me: Excuse me while I go take a shower.

Stella: I don’t think that drool stinks, but go on if you must. We’ll stay right here and have more drool strings waiting when you get back.

Walking With Humans -Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 25, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Walking with humans is difficult. They are clumsy and have trouble keeping up with us.

Transcriptionist: Hey! We are not clumsy.

Stella: Says the human who tripped over a little branch on the ground and let her nose hit the dirt.

Transcriptionist: Thanks for the sympathy, Stella.

Stella: You are welcome. Now for my walking rules:

Rule Number 1: Do not go for walks. Bulldogs hate them. We sometimes pretend to tolerate them to make the humans feel better. Bulldogs like to sit. Bulldogs like to nap. Stay sedentary, my friends.

Rule Number 2: Fight any effort by the humans to put a lead or a harness on you. Doodlebug has a neat move to get out of a lead. Just turn around quickly before the lead is tightened and duck your head. Voila´! (I heard one of the humans say that. I have no idea what it means, but he seemed excited.) Anyway, it works for Doodlebug. You can also wrestle with the harness, refuse to move your feet, or step in and out of the harness. Humans tend to give up easily. Bulldog tenacity wins.

Rule Number 3: If somehow the humans get a lead or harness on you, pull as hard as you can. They will expect this. Maybe. After all, we are bulldogs. Pull as though you are headed for a chicken and bacon festival. Pulling will tire the humans out and they will happily turn toward home.

Rule Number 4: When out on a walk, stop and sniff EVERYTHING. Humans expect this as normal dog behavior. It is part of the enjoyment of the ‘Great Outdoors’ as the humans call our wonderful bathroom. They say ‘stop and smell the roses’. Don’t waste your time. Ignore the roses. Stop and smell the evidence that other animals have left behind. It tells quite a story. And don’t forget to leave a calling card of your own so that everyone knows you have passed that way. It is our own form of history.

Rule Number 5: When you are tired, flop flat on your stomach. The human will not know how to handle this. It is a clear sign that you are done for the day.

Start with these guidelines, my dear bulldogs. Walk as seldom as possible. Fight every step of the way. Soon the humans will get the message and stop trying. Then let the relaxation begin.

Bulldog Opera – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 23, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, have taken up a new hobby. Now hear this: AWWGGHH! AWAAAHH AH AH HAHA! RAH RAH A HAH A HA AH!!

Me: Stella, what is that?

Stella: I am singing.

Me: Loudly.

Stella: Is there any other way?

Me: Yes.

Stella: I have a big mouth and a big throat. Why should I not use them?

Me: Honey, why have you taken up this ‘hobby’ now?

Stella: Because of that human music you played this afternoon. It made me happy and sad at the same time and I decided that I should sing like that, too.

Me: Opera?

Stella: If you say so. What human came up with that music?

Me: Puccini.

Stella: Poo Chee Nee. That would be a good name for a bulldog.

Me: I’m glad you enjoyed it, but…

Stella: Why is there always a ‘but’?

Me: Forgive me, but your opera singing sounds exactly like barking.

Stella: Of course, it does. No one taught me. It is my natural voice. Can you play the music again so I can practice?

Me: I could play something else.

Stella: POO CHEE NEE! POO CHEE NEE! POO…

Me: All right. All right. One more time.

Stella: That should be enough for me to remember the whole thing. Then I can practice and practice.

Me How about a nap instead?

Stella: No time for naps. Practice, practice, practice.

Me: What have I done?

Stella: You have unleashed a new bulldog singer on the world.

We Are Not Robots! Wait! Do Robots Get More Treats? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but you probably know that. What you do not know is that Lady Human has decided that we bulldogs are robots that will do anything she orders us to do. After all this time, she has forgotten that we have pride. We are tenacious. We follow our own rules. We are bulldoggy. So, what do you think of that, Lady Human.

Me: Treat?

Stella: Sure. Don’t mind if I do.

Me: Okay, when you go into your crate.

Stella: Wait! That’s what I was talking about. You believe that you can get us to do anything just for a treat.

Me: I don’t believe it. I know it.

Stella: We are not robots.

Me: Treat?

Stella: Sure.

Me: Okay, go into your crate.

Stella: Okie Dokie. Hold on! I will not! Well, will I still get a treat if I don’t?

Me: No free treats right now. I have to go to the grocery store and you know that it’s not safe for you all if you are all roaming free while Tall Man and I are both gone.

Stella: I know. Bulldog mischief. But we will not be bullied! We are not your robots, obeying your every command! We will fight your human dictatorship!

Me: Oh, look! I just threw a treat into your crate.

Stella: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I’ll get that! Mmmmm! That was a good one. Hey, you shut the door! Oh, not fair!

Me: What’s not fair? You got your treat and you won’t get into trouble while I’m gone.

Stella: You just wait, Lady Human!

Me: Wait for what?

Stella: The Great Bulldog Robot Uprising.

Me: Okay, let me know when that is going to happen. I will need about a week’s notice.

Stella: Sure thing!

Watch Your Mouth! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 20, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, salute you, humans! I am here in support of what you call ‘free speech’. Rahrrrh! Grreghhh! Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: Stella?

Stella: Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: Stella!

Stella: Don’t silence my free speech, Lady Human! Now where was I? Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: Stella, hello!

Stella: Lady Human, you are interrupting my freedom of speech. That is what you humans call ‘unmerico’!

Me: The word you are searching for is ‘un-American’. And freedom of speech is not just walking around shouting ‘free speech’ over and over again. There is a lot more to it than that.

Stella: What?

Me: Responsibility. Truth. Courage. Clarity. Wisdom. Honor.

Stella: Words, words, words. Blah, blah, blah. BORING! Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: Stella, you are being so loud!

Stella: That’s what they all say when you are saying what they do not want to hear.

Me: What are you saying that I don’t want to hear?

Stella: I thought I was clear. Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: If this is a ploy to do more empty barking, it won’t work.

Stella: You cannot stop our bulldog mouths. Free Speech! Free…

Me: Oh, what’s this? A fresh package of your favorite treats. Let me just open this up and…

Stella: Here! Right in my mouth! Now!

Me: So, free speech can be silenced.

Stella: Free what? Oh, whatever. Free treats! Free treats! Free treats!

Me: Didn’t you have something you wanted to say?

Stella: Not now, Lady Human! I’m too busy chewing.

Washing Day – Stella’s Stuff – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 19, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I have terrible news. I have been robbed! I don’t know if a bulldog did it or a human did it. The crime may have been committed by giant insects or the Giant Floating Enemy Balloon that came to live with us last week. All I know is that I went outside briefly, just to pee, and when I came back in, all of my bedding and toys were GONE! Snatched clean out of my crate…

Me: Stella.

Stella: Mwaah! Ohhh! the bulldogginess of it!

Me: Stella.

Stella: Why me? I’m a good dog! Why did this happen? I know! I won’t ever go outside to pee again. I will pee right here and guard my crate!

Me: Stella!

Stella: Wait, Lady Human. I am not finished. As queen, I will conduct a thorough investigation and find the culprit who made off with my things.

Me: Look no further. I did it.

Stella: What! NOOO! Why? Why? Why?

Me: Because…

Stella: Why? Why? Why? Can no one be trusted? Oh, the horror…

Me: Stella, it’s all still here! It’s all in the wash. When it comes out of the washer, I’ll put it in the dryer and then back in your crate – bed, blanket, stuffie toys and all.

Stella: But why me?

Me: Honey, of all the bulldogges, your crate was the only spot in this whole room that smelled like…well, dog.

Stella: That’s because I’m a dog!

Me: So are they!

Stella: The smell wasn’t bothering me and your nose isn’t nearly as good as mine. Why were you opposed to me smelling bulldoggy? Which I am. Bulldog me!

Me: You will have all your stuff back before long. A couple of hours at the most.

Stella: Show me. I want to visit my stuff. I want all the stuffies and my bed to know that they are still loved and I am here for them.

Me: Hard to do when they are swirling around in the washer.

Stella: Swirling?

Me: No, never mind. They are swimming and having a good time.

Stella: Well, all right. I can’t deny them the pleasure of swimming. But the next time I go out to pee, I am taking my crate with me.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Well, I am taking my stuffies and my bedding with me.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Well, just the stuffies.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Okay then. But I want you to put an alarm on my crate.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Why ever not?

Me: To guard what? The stink?

Stella: We have already discussed that issue, Lady Human. We will just have to agree to disagree on the definition of ‘stink’.

Me: Nope. My definition wins.

Stella: Humans are so picky.

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