Olde English Bulldogges – Page 11

Beep! Beep! Out of My Way! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 1, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Woah! Watch out, Sweetie!

Miss Sweetie: Comin’ through!

Me: Slow down, Sweetie!

Miss Sweetie: Comin’ through!

Me: Why don’t you go around me? My legs have a right to be where they are.

Miss Sweetie: Beep! Beep! Comin’ through!

Me: Beep? Where did you learn that?

Miss Sweetie: In the Rolling Box, when we went to see the white coat people. Beep is what the Rolling Box said when other Rolling Boxes got in the way.

Stella: Lady Human, did you beep at the other Rolling Boxes?

Me: I don’t remember honking at anybody.

Miss Sweetie: Beep! Beep! Out of my way! Comin’ through!

Stella: Wow! Sweetie has the broadest bulldog shoulders. She’s a tank, like in those human war Picture Box shows you watch. She just doesn’t wear watch bands on her feet like they do.

Me: She’s a veritable linebacker.

Stella: Linebacker? She backs a line? I don’t understand.

Me: No, a linebacker is a football player, big, tough…

Stella: Football? Those humans who wear hard, round hats and smash into each other? COOL! I LOVE FOOTBALL!

Miss Sweetie: Out of my way! Comin’ through!

Me: Okay, Sweetie, where are you going in such a big hurry that you can’t avoid hitting my legs and pushing past me?

Miss Sweetie: I’m taking my chicken for a walk. Comin’ through!

Me: Sorry, but your stuffed chicken doesn’t need to walk.

Miss Sweetie: Yes, she does. Watch out! Comin’ through!

Me: Sweetie, look at the bruises on my legs!

Miss Sweetie: Sorry, Lady Human.

Stella: Yeah, Lady Human, but that’s what you get for standing in the middle of a bulldog highway. Beep! Beep!

Don’t Pat My Head! What Do You Think I am – A Dog?

Posted on May 29, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I must go over one of the main rules of bulldog etiquette (that means polite behavior). Apparently, the humans around here have forgotten that patting the top of my head is rude and will not be tolerated.

Me: Since when?

Stella: Since always. Haven’t you been paying attention?

Me: I thought I had been, but you know me.

Stella: I certainly do. You have forgotten and have started patting the top of my head again as though I am a dog or something that likes that sort of thing.

Me: You are a dog.

Stella: I… well…okay, I’ll give you that point. But I thought I had made it clear that I am a dog that does not like the top of my head to be petted. I don’t see how I could have made it clearer. I pull my head back and aside when you hand appears above me. I cuddle and lean into your hand when you rub my cheeks and under my neck. I even like it when you scratch that little space between my eyes.

Me: All right. I’ll try to remember.

Stella: No! There is no trying! Do or do not! Like that little green frog man said on the Picture Box.

Me: Yoda?

Stella: What is a yoda?

Me: Never mind. Why is this top of head petting thing such a big deal to you? I’ve been petting you on the top of the head and you didn’t object.

Stella: It’s a domination issue. When something is coming down on the top of my head, I can’t always see what it is and that makes me tense.

Me: I understand.

Stella: Now if you rub my cheek and end up rubbing my ears and the top of my head, that’s different. You humans are so tall. It feels like everything you do falls out of the sky. And while we are on the subject, sit down on my level. I am tired of craning my neck to look up at you. And don’t have that smelly stuff all over your hands when you pet me. I don’t want to smell sweet. It’s not dignified. I’m a bulldog, not a flower.

Me: Anything else?

Stella: Yes. Keep petting me.

Where Have You Been? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 27, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Nobody pulls the dog blanket over my eyes. Something went on today and I will have the truth!

Me: Okay.

Stella: I scent lots of dogs on you, Lady Human. Lots and lots of different dogs! Millions of nasal receptors cannot be wrong. Where have you been?

Me: Uhhhmmm.

Stella: Where have you been, Lady Human? Where have you been?

Me: I went to a dog show. Specifically, a bulldog show.

Stella: A bulldog show? Why?

Me: Tall Man and I were invited by some friends who were showing dogs and we went. And it was very boring and nothing happened at all.

Stella: Why are you saying that? There were bulldogs. It could not have been boring.

Me: It was no big deal. There were some nice people and there were some beautiful dogs…

Stella: Oh, I see.

Me: Not that you all aren’t beautiful dogs. You are.

Stella: I have seen those dogs at shows on the Picture Box. They are perfect. They run and prance. Their hair is lovely. I bet they smell good, too. I don’t look anything like they do.

Me: Oh, Stella, pretty is as pretty does. Those dogs on TV look perfect because their handlers spend tons of time on their looks. I don’t care how you look.

Stella: You never thought of taking me to one of those shows.

Me: No, I didn’t. I just want to enjoy our life here. You can be clean and have your ears and face washed.

Stella: Yuck!

Me: You see! If you entered a show, there would be constant grooming and toenail trimming and…

Stella: Yuck!

Me: Exactly.

Stella: You think I am ugly. Not pretty enough to show.

Me: I admire those people and their animals, the ones that go to shows. I really do. There is an awful lot of work and diligence involved. And I’m not saying that I would never ever do it. But I am satisfied with us the way we are here. I don’t need a judge telling me that you are beautiful. I know that already. It doesn’t take a ribbon to tell me that you are a champion.

Stella: They win ribbons? Are there treats?

Me: No, I don’t think so.

Stella: Never mind then. Waste of my time.

Make Up Your Mind – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 24, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I have decided.

Me: Are you sure?

Stella: Yes. No. Yes. Maybe.

Me: Just let me know when you know.

Stella: All right. Okay. Now I am ready.

Me: Good.

Stella: No, wait! Yes. No. No. I don’t know.

Me: You are not usually indecisive.

Stella: What is ‘indecisive’?

Me: Hesitancy or inability to decide.

Stella: You decide for me.

Me: Very well. Go on outside and pee.

Stella: No! You can’t tell me what to do! Especially when it comes to peeing!

Me: Then have you decided to stay in for now?

Stella: Yes. No. Yes. Maybe.

Me: Go or not, it is not really that big a deal.

Stella: But what if I go out and one of the bulldogs gets my toys or licks my food bowl? You know how they are.

Me: I will get the toy back and what’s the big deal if someone does lick your food bowl. It will still be your bowl and all the food in it will be yours.

Stella: What if I go out and I don’t need to pee.

Me: No big deal. You can pee later.

Stella: But what if I don’t go out and you leave on one of your mysterious human trips and I do need to pee.

Me: I have decided not to go out today at all, so I will be here if you need to go out later.

Stella: How did you decide to stay in?

Me: I looked at what I have to do. I realized that there was no real reason for me to go out. We have all the food, supplies, and, yes, treats that we need. Going out today will accomplish nothing necessary or enjoyable. I decided to stay here and work on things I should do here.

Stella: So, I should look at what I need to do. I need to pee.

Me: Very well. Decision made.

Stella: No. Wait. Yes. No. Yes. Maybe.

Me: Stella, go outside.

Stella: Whew! What a relief! Thank you for deciding for me.

Me: I think your bladder would have decided for you at some point anyway.

Stella: What is a ‘bladder’?

Me: Never mind.

In Search of: Paper Towels – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 23, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human is searching for something, looking in every cabinet, high and low, up and down, over and under. What is missing?

Me: Paper towels.

Stella: Paper?

Me: Paper.

Stella: Towels?

Me: Towels.

Stella: Oh, the towels that you throw away. The towels that don’t go into the loud, obnoxious, rocking and rolling, jumping, walking, out of control washing machine. By all means, find the paper towels and spare us the ugly noise!

Me: I prefer to use rags, but this needs to be a quick clean up.

Stella: Don’t tell me. I already know. Miss Sweetie. Right?

Me: Right.

Stella: Because you left the room just as she was ready to, you know, ‘go’.

Me: Yes.

Stella: Lady Human, don’t leave the room when she is ready to, you know, ‘go’. When you walk out, she gives up hope. She thinks that you will never come back. I have tried to tell her otherwise, but she doesn’t listen.

Me: How well I know. I can’t find the paper towels. I guess we ran out. I’m just going to use rag towels. There.

Stella: Lady Human.

Me: I know, Stella. I have to mop it up.

Stella: Uh, no, you don’t. Look.

Me: I can’t believe it.

Stella: I told you. Miss Sweetie is a bulldog genius.

Me: She’s mopping up the mess herself. She really is.

Stella: Those bulldog feet are good for something more than stomping around and pawing humans for attention.

Me: She doesn’t like the mess any more than the rest of us do.

Stella: Always remember, Lady Human. Don’t leave the room!

Walk With Me – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 21, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I have a complaint.

Me: That is not news.

Stella: Why do you repeat yourself so much?

Me: One guess.

Stella: Just one?

Me: That’s all you should need.

Stella: Hmmm. One guess. Let’s see. You repeat yourself because you never pay attention to what you are saying.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Are you sure? How do you know?

Me: I just know.

Stella: Ohhhh. I used up my only guess, didn’t I? Pooh. What’s the answer?

Me: I repeat myself to be heard. Either the bulldogs ignore me or are so loud that they can’t hear me.

Stella: Oh, we don’t ignore you, Lady Human. We just don’t care what you have to say. But what is this sentence you keep using over and over with Miss Sweetie and Doodlebug? ‘Walk with me. Walk with me.’ Boring.

Me: I am trying to train them to walk with me, not against me. I need them to stop rampaging through the house. When it is time to go outside, they need to walk along with me, not stop to chase the cat or sniff at every little thing or go running wildly or jump on the furniture. This is not a circus. This is our house.

Stella: I thought this was a circus, only without elephants and tigers.

Me: Even in a circus, there are rules.

Stella: Repeating yourself will not get their attention.

Me: You and the other grownup dogs don’t rampage. Well, not much.

Stella: Sadly, rampaging through the house is for the very young.

Strike! Strike! Strike! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 18, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and something hilariously bulldoggy has just occurred. It should be written down in the annals of bulldogdom.

Me: Well, I don’t think it’s very funny.

Stella: You don’t have much of a sense of humor, Lady Human. You should work on that.

Me: My sense of humor doesn’t match bulldog humor, I guess.

Stella: It sure doesn’t. Bulldog humor is funny.

Me: Explain to me how it is funny that Wiggles refuses to move.

Stella: She’s on strike! I can’t stop laughing.

Me: I can’t move her! She weighs 80 pounds! Oh, now look! She’s rolled over on her back.

Stella: Pay no attention. She’ll get tired of the game and get up. Eventually. Until then, just step over her.

Me: Here. Let me scratch your belly, Wiggles. Is that what you want?

Stella: No! Lady Human! Don’t give in! Don’t offer a bribe!

Me: Is that what I’m doing when I give you a treat?

Stella: No, that’s an act of love. But when Wiggles is on strike in the middle of the floor, on her back, showing her belly, that’s a bribe demand. She’s saying, ‘Scratch my stomach or live with an immovable bulldog in the middle of your floor forever’. She will control you for life. Anytime she wants something, she will flip over and make like a rock. A big, heavy, bulldog-shaped rock.

Me: Here. Let me toss a treat over there. Maybe she’ll go for it.

Stella: Treat tossing! Is that the way to break a bulldog strike?

Me: It’s working. She’s going after it.

Stella: Not fair! Okay, fine! I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogs, am officially on strike! Boom! Not moving until I get my due.

Wiggles: Don’t be fooled, Lady Human. She doesn’t know how to strike.

Me: Why did you strike, Wiggles?

Wiggles: You’ve been real busy lately and I haven’t had a good long belly scratch in a while so…

Me: I’m sorry, girl. I wasn’t paying enough attention. You had to make a demand.

Stella: Hey! Over here! Look at me! A bulldog rock! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!

Me: What should I do about this?

Wiggles: I would not give into her demands if I were you, Lady Human. You’ll never hear the end of it. She’ll go on strike every day. As for me, I’m reasonable.

Beware Evil Plants – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 16, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! Plants are our friends. I hope.

Me: You sound doubtful.

Stella: Not all plants can be trusted. You told me so yourself. There are plants that are evil.

Me: Not evil. Poisonous. Thorny. Prickly. Full of stickers. Inedible.

Stella: In other words, evil.

Me: They have no ability to intend evil.

Stella: Tell that to my poor little toes when they get stuck with wicked cactus thorns. And didn’t you tell me that, when you were a little human growing up in the Piney Woods of what you keep calling Texas (though I don’t know what that means), you were sometimes afraid of the tall trees?

Me: Well, yeah, but I was a kid.

Stella: A kid? Like a baby goat? I thought that you were always human. How did you pull that off?

Me: I have always been human. ‘Kid’ is an expression for a young human and a baby goat.

Stella: Is that all humans do? Sit around making up words to confuse us?

Me: No. We do considerably more than that. Haven’t you noticed?

Stella: You mean Picture Boxes and Rolling Boxes? Meh. I have noticed that you let evil plants infest your ground.

Me: What ‘evil’ plants, Stella?

Stella: The tall spring plants that were not with us last year. They were frightening Snoopey and Tiger. Marching toward the house and every day growing taller and greener. An army of straight leafy soldiers, taking over our territory.

Me: Actually, they are called lamb’s quarters and some people really enjoy them in a salad.

Stella: Salad? Yuck! A bowl of green leaves? Yuck!

Me: We’ve had people ask if they can harvest them. And I say sure. There are plenty for all.

Stella: Eating leaves. Eeewww! Eating grass? Of course. But eating leaves? No. No. No. No. Humans have terrible taste in food.

Me: The lamb’s quarters have not been bothering you. I’ve watched you walk around them. All you have to do is stick to the paths.

Stella: But the crowding plants still bothered Snoopey and Tiger. The evil plants are the reason that they have not wanted to go outside alone, especially at night.

Me: So when Tall Man cut some of the lamb’s quarters, Snoopey and Tiger didn’t mind going out anymore. Okay. That makes sense.

Stella: All you had to do was ask me why they were balking and I would have told you that it was because of the evil plants.

Me: But Wiggles, Doodlebug, and Miss Sweetie had no problem with them.

Stella: You know how they are. They don’t believe in evil plants. All plants and animals are their friends. They are idiots.

Me: You didn’t have any problem with them either.

Stella: I am Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter. No silly plant will get in my way when I am going outside to potty. Let the plants beware. Besides, the short ones tickle my belly.

The Red Mop Menace – Conversation with the Pack

Posted on May 14, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Today was Mop Day, a day which should probably come even more often than it does.

Stella: No, it should never happen again!

Me: I truly do not understand why you all don’t like the mop. With the mop, there is endless, hysterical barking. How is it different from the broom that Tall Man was pushing just a few minutes ago and you were all silent?

Stella: There is all the difference in the world, Lady Human! Isn’t it obvious?

Me: No.

Stella: The broom, as you inexplicably call it, is a bright, friendly yellow. It is dry and takes the dirt and bulldog hair and stacks it in a neat pile which then disappears into the tall metal fortress forever.

Me: You mean the trash can.

Stella: If you say so.

Me: But the mop does the same thing, only better.

Tiger: No! The mop is evil!

Snoopey: I never agree with Tiger. She is always wrong. Until now. The mop is evil!

Me: The yellow broom is good, but the red mop is evil?

Wiggles: What is ‘red’?

Stella: You know what it is. The ugly color that the humans are always spreading around and wearing.

Miss Sweetie: I like red. I like yellow. I like blue. I like the lovely trees. I like the lovely grass. I like the lovely squirrels…

Stella: NOOO! Sweetie, you and I need to have a long talk.

Miss Sweetie: About the lovely squirrels?

Stella: No. I mean yes. I mean about a lot of things.

Doodlebug: Can you tell me about the lovely squirrels, too?

Stella: SQUIRRELS ARE NOT LOVELY! YES, DOODLEBUG! I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT BULLDOG LIFE, TOO! Forgive me for shouting. Some subjects annoy me.

Wiggles: What is ‘annoy’?

Snoopey: Why aren’t we talking about taking out the red mop?

Tiger: Exactly. The red mop must be destroyed.

Me: I still don’t understand why the red mop is so different from the yellow broom.

Stella: The mop is wet. It is smelly.

Me: It cleans the floor. Do you want the floor to be smelly?

Stella: Better a smelly floor than an evil red mop running around free!

Tiger: Hear! Hear!

Snoopey: Agreed!

Wiggles: Okay.

Doodlebug: The smelly floor smells like me.

Miss Sweetie: Lovely squirrels.

Stella: As queen, I can order our army to march against the red mop.

Me: No, you really can’t.

Stella: But the humans vote on all sorts of things, as crazy as that is.

Me: No, it’s really not.

Stella: I put it to a bulldog vote. All in favor of red mop destruction, bark and keep on barking!

The Pack: Barking

Me: No, please, not again!

Stella: The barks have it. The red mop will be destroyed at the next opportunity.

Me: No, it won’t. I am not going to buy another mop just because you all don’t like the color red or think it is wet or smelly.

Stella: All in favor of Lady Human not overseeing the red mop issue, bark!

Me: Stop! The red mop is mine and Tall Man’s. I am hereby taking it into protective custody. No chewing or bulldog destruction allowed. Is that clear?

Stella: No.

Me: What?

Stella: Yes. Maybe. Not really.

Me: The humans are in charge.

Stella: Until the red mop menace is over, all in favor of the humans no longer being in charge, bark!

Sisters – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 10, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and by the authority invested in me by me, I hereby declare myself to be AN ONLY PUPPY!

Me: Can that be done?

Stella: Of course. I just did it.

Snoopey: I’ve had about enough of this whole queen thing. And you can’t just say you are not something that you are. You are my sister.

Stella: No, I’m not.

Snoopey: Whether you like it or not.

Stella: I don’t.

Snoopey: You are just mean.

Me: Girls! Girls!

Snoopey: Mean meanie! Mean queen! Mean! Mean! Mean!

Me: Snoopey, enough!

Snoopey: Sorry, Lady Human.

Me: I am an only child and I don’t understand this conflict between sisters.

Snoopey: Sisters are rude.

Stella: Sisters are stupid.

Snoopey: Sisters stink!

Stella: I know. I’m smelling you right now!

Me: Enough!

Stella: Lady Human, you are an only puppy.

Me: Child.

Stella: Same thing.

Me: No, it’s not.

Stella: Sisters are complicated things.

Me: Can’t you work together? At least, not fight?

Stella: What’s the good of having a sister if we can’t fight?

Me: I’m sorry. I guess I missed the whole point of sisterhood.

Stella: You are an only puppy, Lady Human. Stick to what you know.

Running in Circles – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 3, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has another in her endless list of questions about dog behavior. I am sure it is not important, but I humor her because…you know… treats.

Me: Is that all I’m good for?

Stella: No. No. No. Yes. No.

Me: I get it.

Stella: I love you, Lady Human. And I love treats. And I love food. So…what’s your question?

Me: Snoopey spent the longest time this afternoon circling around before she…

Stella: Just say it. We all know what it is.

Me: Before she…

Stella: POOPED! No big deal. We all do it.

Me: Okay. She circled and circled and circled and made figure 8’s and squares before she finally settled on a spot to…

Stella: Say it!

Me: Poop.

Stella: Sounds pretty normal to me. What’s the problem?

Me: All the places she circled looked the same to me. I don’t understand what she was looking for.

Stella: Not looking for. SMELLING FOR.

Me: Okay. What was she smelling for?

Stella: Ask her.

Me: Don’t all dogs understand other dogs?

Stella: In general, yes. In specifics, no.

Me: Help me. I want to understand.

Stella: She could have been scenting one of the other dogs and she didn’t want a used place. She could have been scenting the grass or the leaves and nothing smelled right. She could have been scenting for one of her own old places and somebody else had come by and used it and messed it up. Maybe she is just confused. Maybe she is too particular. Maybe she…

Me: Okay. I get it. It could have been anything.

Stella: Yeah, but it wasn’t. The tall spring plants out in the yard freak her out. They weren’t there last year or the year before and she thinks that they are giants and that they will trap her.

Me: Really?

Stella: Yeah. Actually, none of us like them, though I tolerate them because they tickle my belly.

Me: Really.

Stella: Yes, they make me giggle. Ask yourself, Lady Human, if tall green plants were growing in your bathroom spot all of a sudden, wouldn’t you circle around until you found a less tickly spot?

Bulldog Double Dance – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 1, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Don’t ever doubt it. Few humans know, however, that I am a dancer. Lady Human discovered this talent on one of the first days I spent with her. I have a unique style. I did not take classes. I was born with it.

You see, it’s this little scooting motion forward with my right front leg extended to the front, my right paw tapping the ground every few inches. Never the left leg, always the right. It must be a good dance. Lady Human smiles every time she sees it. I don’t pull that dance step out often. I don’t want to wear it out.

Wiggles: I dance.

Stella: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, not every bulldog dances.

Wiggles: I dance.

Stella: Uh-huh. Snoopey tap dances. Nothing special, just lots of toe action, pretty doggone fast.

Wiggles: I dance.

Stella: Sure, sure. Tiger is more of a leaper than a dancer. There was a time when the vet thought that she would always walk with a limp, but Tiger likes to prove people wrong.

Wiggles: I dance.

Stella: Yeah, okay. I haven’t seen much dancing from Sweetie or Doodlebug. They are rampagers. They tear around the house and jump on things, including humans.

Wiggles: I dance. They copy me sometimes.

Stella: Okay, okay.

Wiggles: Watch! I try to touch my nose to my tail, but I can’t. But now I look like a half-circle and I tap my feet, all of them, like this as fast as I can, and I turn and turn. Then I turn the other way.

Me: The famous comma dance and faster than I’ve ever seen her do it.

Stella: Hmmph! You call that dancing?

Me: Stella, are you envious? You shouldn’t be.

Stella: I could dance like that if I wanted to. I just don’t want to. Hmmph!

Me: You each have your own style. That’s great. If everyone did everything the same way, how boring would that be.

Wiggles: I dance.

Me: You sure do, honey.

Stella: Hmmph! I could do that if I wanted to.

Fussbudget – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 30, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Phhuubbbb!

Me: What?

Stella: Pooh!

Me: Say again.

Stella: Blubb, phubb, blaagghh! Hmmmpphh! Don’t talk to me!

Me: What a fussbudget!

Stella: Fussy budgie?

Me: Fussbudget. Whiner. Complainer. Grumbler.

Stella: Budget? Like when you cut back on our treats. Pooh! Don’t try to budget my fuss!

Me: Why are you in a bad mood?

Stella: How much time do you have? Because I have a long list.

Me: No, please. No lists today. Maybe tomorrow.

Stella: I will hold you to that promise.

Me: I’m just not in the mood for a list of complaints. I have some of my own and I am trying to stay positive.

Stella: Well, I am positive. I have a long list. And I am adding your name to it.

Me: Why? What did I do?

Stella: You called me a fussy budget. How is calling someone a name supposed to put them in a better mood.

Me: I believe that sometimes when your friend is acting badly, you do them a favor by calling them out on it. Otherwise, they may just keep on acting ugly and never realize it.

Stella: Well, still. Calling me…did you say ‘friend’? Me?

Me: Yes.

Stella: I am your friend?

Me: Yes.

Stella: But you have a bunch of friends.

Me: No.

Stella: That makes me special.

Me: Yes.

Stella: Your friend. And a fussy budget. That’s me.

Wait on Me – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 25, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: If you say so.

Stella: I do. And I am thirsty. Give me a drink.

Me: That is a rude way to ask for something, Stella. And your water bowl is full. Drink your water.

Stella: I want what you are having.

Me: I am taking a swig of coffee before I have to go.

Stella: What is a swig? I want a swig.

Me: A swig is just a quick sip. And you can’t have coffee. Do you want me to leave the television on? I’ll only be out for about an hour. Everybody else is napping.

Stella: Will there be zombies?

Me: No. I can leave it on this station. They will just be showing old westerns.

Stella: That man on the Picture Box. What is he drinking?

Me: Since that is a saloon, I’m guessing it’s whiskey.

Stella: I want a swig of whiskey.

Me: Nope. No way. Not now. Not ever.

Stella: You are a terrible waitress.

Me: I beg your pardon.

Stella: You have it, but I will not be leaving a tip.

Me: Okay, too many movies. Honey, this is not a restaurant. I am not your waitress.

Stella: Of course, you are. We call. You come. You bring us food. You bring us water. You clean out our water bowls. You wipe our faces. You clean our ears…

Me: Hold on a minute. I have never heard of a waitress who cleaned customers’ ears or wiped their faces.

Stella: You haven’t been to very good restaurants then. All bulldog restaurants offer that service. Like this one.

Oh My! What a Nice Gift??? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 26, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I, Illustrious Queen Stella of the Olde English Bulldogge Nation, am here to make a rare apology today to our Humans, Lady Human and Tall Man, for the inconsiderate gift that two of our pack, Wiggles and Miss Sweetie, presented last night.

Me: Yeah, it was unexpected and, to be perfectly honest, it was kind of gross.

Stella: You are being excessively polite, Lady Human. It was not kind of gross. It was grossly gross, the grossest of the gross, gross squared, if I understand the word ‘gross’ and my math is right.

Me: Your math is better than mine.

Stella: It was a rat. A dead rat with a ginormous long tail. And they laid it just outside the back door so that it was the first thing that could be seen like ‘oh, look what we found and we are giving this wonderful dead thing to you! Aren’t you proud and happy?’

Me: It’s no big deal, Stella, really. It’s all been cleaned up now.

Stella: And it wasn’t even a fresh dead rat.

Me: That’s all right, too.

Stella: When giving a rat, it should at least be fresh.

Me: No harm done. I am only sorry that they found it first and we didn’t.

Stella: If they wanted to give you a gift, they could have gone out on Black Friday and picked out something nice that you really wanted, like more dog toys for us or a new big bag of dog treats. But no, they scavenged around the yard and brought you a nasty, stale rat. A trespassing rat. It’s bad enough to have the squirrels, raccoons, and possums tromping around. NOW HERE THIS, ALL RATS! IF YOU WANT A PLACE FOR YOUR ETERNAL REST, DO NOT COME HERE! GO DOWN BY THE CREEK. IT IS A SHORT WALK. IT IS PEACEFUL AND NO ONE WILL SMELL YOU DOWN THERE. OR IF THEY DO, I WON’T HEAR ABOUT IT. I AM QUEEN STELLA. THAT IS ALL!

Me: Thank you, Stella.

Stella: Of course. It is still the Thanksgiving celebration, is it not? Now, back to eating.

The Humans Are Hogging The Food – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 20, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella. Yes, I am Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but I am also their watchdog. I am here to report that humans are food hogs.

Me: I beg your pardon.

Stella: As indeed you should.

Me: What food are we humans hogging?

Stella: All of it except the little dabs that you put in our bowls.

Me: Again, I beg your pardon…

Stella: Be patient. I am still considering it.

Me: You each receive the same amount, the recommended amount so you are neither too fat nor too lean. So there.

Stella: Why is it that humans eat all day long and well into the night when we only get fed once a day? You have breakfast AND lunch AND supper AND a whole string of treats AND special drinks in addition to water. Lady Human, I protest. We bulldogs are deprived.

Me: You don’t look deprived.

Stella: Are you calling us ‘fat’?

Me: No, I am calling you healthy and well-fed.

Stella: And how about you?

Me: I… maybe should cut back on a few things.

Stella: Cut back means only 6 meals a day and 3 treats?

Me: All right. Maybe more than a few. I don’t eat 6 meals a day.

Stella: You haven’t been keeping count. We can help. You can share your hoarded food with us. We will be happy to gobble it up to help you stay healthy the way you help us to stay healthy – by depriving us of 6 meals a day.

Me: I still think you’re wrong about the 6 meals a day.

Stella: I have 4 paws. Each paw has 4 toes. This paw plus these 2 toes makes 6. If you start eating more than 16 meals per day, I must start using my tail, my two ears, and my two bulldog upside down vampire fangs. Please don’t make me count higher than 21. I will run out of parts.

What Is Black Friday and Will There Be Treats? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 17, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen…YES, I SAID ‘QUEEN’ AND I MEANT IT… of the Olde English Bulldogges. Did I mention that I am Illustrious and Noble and Right Honorable? And I still do not have a crown. When will you remedy that, Lady Human?

Me: I’m not sure. Maybe on Black Friday.

Stella: What is Black Friday?

Me: A big shopping day for humans the day after Thanksgiving.

Stella: And when will that be?

Me: Next Friday, a week from tomorrow.

Stella: Not soon enough! I have been patient for months. Wait! Why is it called ‘Black Friday’? Is it because all the crowns sold on that day will be black? I WANT A GOLD CROWN WITH JEWELS! You will have to wait for Gold Friday if that is the case.

Me: No, it is called ‘Black Friday’ because that is the day when many businesses see their first profit for the year. Profits used to be recorded in black ink and losses were recorded in red ink.

Stella: Humans are weird.

Me: I admit it. Sometimes we are.

Stella: So, what do humans do on Black Friday? Can bulldogs do it, too?

Me: It’s probably not a good day for bulldogs to be shopping with humans. The crowds are thick and people are rushing around trying to get good sales and specials that only last for a few hours. Humans become tense about those things.

Stella: Are there treats?

Me: Some, here and there. I used to go shopping with my girls on Black Friday and we would always stop to get some coffee or pastry or breakfast.

Stella: Me! ME! ME! ME! Coffee! Pastry! Breakfast!

Me: Yeah, but then one time, I knelt to tie my youngest child’s shoe and I got a look at what she was seeing. While from my point of view, everything was fun and exciting and colorful and lit up, all she was seeing was…

Stella: A bulldog’s view. Lots of human feet and knees and giants walking past with their big shopping bags swinging past her head.

Me: Yes, exactly. From then on, I stayed away from big crowds and rushing people and we went places during the holidays that were quieter and calmer and more on her level. Once she was older, we could enjoy the holiday rush together.

Stella: I will never be as tall as a human. I will never be tall enough for Black Friday.

Me: Don’t feel down, Stella. There are other things that you can enjoy. How about this? On Black Friday, you and I can go to the feed store where I get your treats. Dogs are welcome and there won’t be a crowd.

Stella: Really? Do they have bulldog toys? Will children be there? How about that old man in the fluffy red suit?

Me: I can’t promise all that.

Stella: Oh, well then. Never mind. I will just stay home and take a nap.

Who Your Advisers Are Says a Lot about You – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 16, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges, hereby announce my appointments for my personal cabinet.

Me: Why?

Stella: The humans are doing it. The humans are not better than I am. If they get to have advisers, so do I.

Me: What if these advisers recommend something you disapprove?

Stella: Then they’re fired! Boom! There! I said it! You heard me!

Me: Okay. Who are you appointing?

Stella: First of all, Snoopey will be Secretary of Defense and Chief of Bulldog Security.

Me: Why Snoopey?

Stella: She is First Barker. Whenever there is a strange noise or unknown threat, whether it exists or not, she is on her feet, barking her head off. To be honest, Snoopey is our pack leader. That is hard for me to admit, but if the pack needs to be defended, Snoopey is the one who will do the job. Not me.

Me: But you are the Queen. I have seen you hold your own against all the bulldogs.

Stella: I can make my point clear. I am a peacemaker. But Snoopey cares for all the bulldogs, even the ones who challenge her. She would sacrifice herself to save others.

Me: Very well. That sounds reasonable. Who’s next?

Stella: Tiger will be Assistant Secretary of Defense.

Me: Why?

Stella: When she was attacked by that dog in her old place, she learned what it meant to fight, to defend, and to lose. She almost died.

Me: I know. We experienced her battle to recover but not her first battle.

Stella: She told me about it. She said that she learned defense is as important as offense. She wishes that she had known that from the beginning.

Me: Still she has picked fights with Snoopey.

Stella: It is hard for a warrior to sit on the sidelines.

Me: I understand. Who is next?

Stella: Wiggles. Ah, poor Wiggles. Sweetest dog ever.

Me: I know that you don’t like it when we say that. But you must admit she is sweet.

Stella: Well, she is a good dancer. I can appoint her Secretary of the Arts.

Me: She can dance and make everybody feel more relaxed, calmer.

Stella: I can also appoint her Secretary of Eggs. The hens push eggs toward her when she paws at them.

Me: Yes, she does have a way with the chickens.

Stella: Finding the right dog for the right job. I do not envy the humans.

Me: That leaves Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie.

Stella: Those sillies! I have the perfect jobs for them. They can be president and vice president. I don’t even know what those jobs are so they can’t be too important.

Me: Which one will be president?

Stella: Which one weighs more?

No Accounting for Human Taste – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 14, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Once again, I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: You aren’t “once again” Stella. You are always Stella. It’s not like you stopped being Stella and then became Stella again.

Stella: Why are you being so picky?

Me: I am not being picky.

Stella: Then you are being snappy. Why?

Me: I am not being snappy.

Stella: I am a bulldog. I know picky and snappy when I hear it. Do you need a nap? When I am picky and snappy, it is usually because I have missed one of my 14 daily naps.

Me: I don’t need a nap.

Stella: Did you eat breakfast? When I am picky and snappy, it is usually because I have skipped breakfast.

Me: I did not skip breakfast.

Stella: How about lunch? Did you miss that? When I am picky and snappy, it is usually because I have skipped lunch.

Me: I did not miss lunch! Leave me alone!

Stella: Now that was just plain rude. Are your feet itchy? When I am picky and snappy and rude, it is usually because my feet are itchy. Here! Let me lick them the way I lick mine. It helps.

Me: No, my feet are not itchy. Please don’t lick them!

Stella: Picky, snappy, and rude, but not sleepy or hungry or itchy. I give up.

Me: I’m sorry, Stella. I have misplaced something and it has me frustrated.

Stella: Did you misplace a bulldog?

Me: No, nothing so important as that.

Stella: Good, because I just counted and we are all here and if you had misplaced a bulldog, that would mean you had a secret bulldog we did not know about.

Me: In fact, what I have misplaced is of no real importance at all and yet I am all wound up about it. I keep looking in all the places it could be, checking and rechecking.

Stella: What is it? The other bulldogs and I can search for it, especially if it smells bad.

Me: It doesn’t and it’s not important.

Stella: We want to help. What is it?

Me: Just a paper bookmark.

Stella: That’s easy. What does it look like?

Me: It has some colorful drawings on it. It’s no big deal. I’ll come across it eventually.

Stella: Drawings of what?

Me: Just forget it.

Stella: Drawings of what? No… not SQUIRRELS!

Me: No, not squirrels.

Stella: Whew!

Me: Cats.

Stella: Mwaaah! What? Eeewww! Better off lost! Why cats? Who wants pictures of cats? I can’t believe it. Why not dogs?

Me: They didn’t have any of dogs. They were sold out.

Stella: Of course, they were. Everyone wants dogs. Well, offer of help is hereby withdrawn. As for your cat bookmark, I hope you don’t find it.

Me: Now who’s being rude.

Stella: All I can say is that, if I find it first, I will let you know what colorful paper cats taste like! DOGS FOREVER! No, Lady Human, don’t look sad. I love you despite your bad taste. I won’t chew up your ugly cat bookmark. My bulldog slobber all over it will be enough.

What Is That Terrible Stink? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on November 11, 2016 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble of the Olde English Bulldogges. Allow me to repeat that – QUEEN! As queen, I should not have anything assault my nose. Ever.

Me: What is the problem?

Stella: There is a terrible stink.

Me: Well, you know…bulldogs. Hellooo!

Stella: I already said hello to everyone. And what does stink have to do with bulldogs?

Me: Is that a real question, Stella?

Stella: This stink hit me in the face when I came into your room.

Me: I don’t smell anything peculiar.

Stella: Let me be brutally honest. The stink is coming from you, Lady Human.

Me: What? I showered. I put on clean clothes.

Stella: It is your skin.

Me: I rubbed on some essential oils. That’s all. No perfume.

Stella: 220 million dog nose receptors can’t be wrong.

Me: 220 million, huh. That’s a lot.

Stella: I don’t know what 220 million means, but I know it is more than four. Four is the number of one paw’s worth of toes. How powerful are human noses?

Me: Hmmm…5 million.

Stella: Don’t be embarrassed about your weak nose, Lady Human. Be embarrassed about stinking so badly.

Me: Essential oils don’t stink. They may be overpowering to you, but not to humans.

Stella: Please warn me before you use them again.

Me: I will if you will forewarn me about bulldog gas leaks.

Stella: I can make no promises. Our gas leaks surprise even me most of the time.

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