Dogs – Page 31 – Bulldoggy

Walking With Humans -Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 25, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Walking with humans is difficult. They are clumsy and have trouble keeping up with us.

Transcriptionist: Hey! We are not clumsy.

Stella: Says the human who tripped over a little branch on the ground and let her nose hit the dirt.

Transcriptionist: Thanks for the sympathy, Stella.

Stella: You are welcome. Now for my walking rules:

Rule Number 1: Do not go for walks. Bulldogs hate them. We sometimes pretend to tolerate them to make the humans feel better. Bulldogs like to sit. Bulldogs like to nap. Stay sedentary, my friends.

Rule Number 2: Fight any effort by the humans to put a lead or a harness on you. Doodlebug has a neat move to get out of a lead. Just turn around quickly before the lead is tightened and duck your head. Voila´! (I heard one of the humans say that. I have no idea what it means, but he seemed excited.) Anyway, it works for Doodlebug. You can also wrestle with the harness, refuse to move your feet, or step in and out of the harness. Humans tend to give up easily. Bulldog tenacity wins.

Rule Number 3: If somehow the humans get a lead or harness on you, pull as hard as you can. They will expect this. Maybe. After all, we are bulldogs. Pull as though you are headed for a chicken and bacon festival. Pulling will tire the humans out and they will happily turn toward home.

Rule Number 4: When out on a walk, stop and sniff EVERYTHING. Humans expect this as normal dog behavior. It is part of the enjoyment of the ‘Great Outdoors’ as the humans call our wonderful bathroom. They say ‘stop and smell the roses’. Don’t waste your time. Ignore the roses. Stop and smell the evidence that other animals have left behind. It tells quite a story. And don’t forget to leave a calling card of your own so that everyone knows you have passed that way. It is our own form of history.

Rule Number 5: When you are tired, flop flat on your stomach. The human will not know how to handle this. It is a clear sign that you are done for the day.

Start with these guidelines, my dear bulldogs. Walk as seldom as possible. Fight every step of the way. Soon the humans will get the message and stop trying. Then let the relaxation begin.

Bulldog Opera – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 23, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, have taken up a new hobby. Now hear this: AWWGGHH! AWAAAHH AH AH HAHA! RAH RAH A HAH A HA AH!!

Me: Stella, what is that?

Stella: I am singing.

Me: Loudly.

Stella: Is there any other way?

Me: Yes.

Stella: I have a big mouth and a big throat. Why should I not use them?

Me: Honey, why have you taken up this ‘hobby’ now?

Stella: Because of that human music you played this afternoon. It made me happy and sad at the same time and I decided that I should sing like that, too.

Me: Opera?

Stella: If you say so. What human came up with that music?

Me: Puccini.

Stella: Poo Chee Nee. That would be a good name for a bulldog.

Me: I’m glad you enjoyed it, but…

Stella: Why is there always a ‘but’?

Me: Forgive me, but your opera singing sounds exactly like barking.

Stella: Of course, it does. No one taught me. It is my natural voice. Can you play the music again so I can practice?

Me: I could play something else.

Stella: POO CHEE NEE! POO CHEE NEE! POO…

Me: All right. All right. One more time.

Stella: That should be enough for me to remember the whole thing. Then I can practice and practice.

Me How about a nap instead?

Stella: No time for naps. Practice, practice, practice.

Me: What have I done?

Stella: You have unleashed a new bulldog singer on the world.

We Are Not Robots! Wait! Do Robots Get More Treats? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but you probably know that. What you do not know is that Lady Human has decided that we bulldogs are robots that will do anything she orders us to do. After all this time, she has forgotten that we have pride. We are tenacious. We follow our own rules. We are bulldoggy. So, what do you think of that, Lady Human.

Me: Treat?

Stella: Sure. Don’t mind if I do.

Me: Okay, when you go into your crate.

Stella: Wait! That’s what I was talking about. You believe that you can get us to do anything just for a treat.

Me: I don’t believe it. I know it.

Stella: We are not robots.

Me: Treat?

Stella: Sure.

Me: Okay, go into your crate.

Stella: Okie Dokie. Hold on! I will not! Well, will I still get a treat if I don’t?

Me: No free treats right now. I have to go to the grocery store and you know that it’s not safe for you all if you are all roaming free while Tall Man and I are both gone.

Stella: I know. Bulldog mischief. But we will not be bullied! We are not your robots, obeying your every command! We will fight your human dictatorship!

Me: Oh, look! I just threw a treat into your crate.

Stella: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I’ll get that! Mmmmm! That was a good one. Hey, you shut the door! Oh, not fair!

Me: What’s not fair? You got your treat and you won’t get into trouble while I’m gone.

Stella: You just wait, Lady Human!

Me: Wait for what?

Stella: The Great Bulldog Robot Uprising.

Me: Okay, let me know when that is going to happen. I will need about a week’s notice.

Stella: Sure thing!

Watch Your Mouth! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 20, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, salute you, humans! I am here in support of what you call ‘free speech’. Rahrrrh! Grreghhh! Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: Stella?

Stella: Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: Stella!

Stella: Don’t silence my free speech, Lady Human! Now where was I? Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: Stella, hello!

Stella: Lady Human, you are interrupting my freedom of speech. That is what you humans call ‘unmerico’!

Me: The word you are searching for is ‘un-American’. And freedom of speech is not just walking around shouting ‘free speech’ over and over again. There is a lot more to it than that.

Stella: What?

Me: Responsibility. Truth. Courage. Clarity. Wisdom. Honor.

Stella: Words, words, words. Blah, blah, blah. BORING! Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: Stella, you are being so loud!

Stella: That’s what they all say when you are saying what they do not want to hear.

Me: What are you saying that I don’t want to hear?

Stella: I thought I was clear. Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Me: If this is a ploy to do more empty barking, it won’t work.

Stella: You cannot stop our bulldog mouths. Free Speech! Free…

Me: Oh, what’s this? A fresh package of your favorite treats. Let me just open this up and…

Stella: Here! Right in my mouth! Now!

Me: So, free speech can be silenced.

Stella: Free what? Oh, whatever. Free treats! Free treats! Free treats!

Me: Didn’t you have something you wanted to say?

Stella: Not now, Lady Human! I’m too busy chewing.

Washing Day – Stella’s Stuff – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 19, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I have terrible news. I have been robbed! I don’t know if a bulldog did it or a human did it. The crime may have been committed by giant insects or the Giant Floating Enemy Balloon that came to live with us last week. All I know is that I went outside briefly, just to pee, and when I came back in, all of my bedding and toys were GONE! Snatched clean out of my crate…

Me: Stella.

Stella: Mwaah! Ohhh! the bulldogginess of it!

Me: Stella.

Stella: Why me? I’m a good dog! Why did this happen? I know! I won’t ever go outside to pee again. I will pee right here and guard my crate!

Me: Stella!

Stella: Wait, Lady Human. I am not finished. As queen, I will conduct a thorough investigation and find the culprit who made off with my things.

Me: Look no further. I did it.

Stella: What! NOOO! Why? Why? Why?

Me: Because…

Stella: Why? Why? Why? Can no one be trusted? Oh, the horror…

Me: Stella, it’s all still here! It’s all in the wash. When it comes out of the washer, I’ll put it in the dryer and then back in your crate – bed, blanket, stuffie toys and all.

Stella: But why me?

Me: Honey, of all the bulldogges, your crate was the only spot in this whole room that smelled like…well, dog.

Stella: That’s because I’m a dog!

Me: So are they!

Stella: The smell wasn’t bothering me and your nose isn’t nearly as good as mine. Why were you opposed to me smelling bulldoggy? Which I am. Bulldog me!

Me: You will have all your stuff back before long. A couple of hours at the most.

Stella: Show me. I want to visit my stuff. I want all the stuffies and my bed to know that they are still loved and I am here for them.

Me: Hard to do when they are swirling around in the washer.

Stella: Swirling?

Me: No, never mind. They are swimming and having a good time.

Stella: Well, all right. I can’t deny them the pleasure of swimming. But the next time I go out to pee, I am taking my crate with me.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Well, I am taking my stuffies and my bedding with me.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Well, just the stuffies.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Okay then. But I want you to put an alarm on my crate.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Why ever not?

Me: To guard what? The stink?

Stella: We have already discussed that issue, Lady Human. We will just have to agree to disagree on the definition of ‘stink’.

Me: Nope. My definition wins.

Stella: Humans are so picky.

Don’t Push My Buttons – Stella’s Open Letter to the Pack

Posted on February 17, 2017 by H.J. Hill

To My Pack (and that includes you, Lady Human and Tall Man):

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Now hear this!

Be it Known: Fair Warning: You are pushing my buttons. STOP IT!

Transcriptionist: What are your buttons, Stella?

Stella: Well, they are not these little buttons on my belly because when I push them, nothing happens. My real buttons WHICH YOU ALL ARE PUSHING are as follows:

When I am taking a nap in my crate, DON’T VISIT! Don’t come walking by, pushing your smooshy faces up against mine. RUDE!

Another button: Keep your smooshy faces and slobbery mouths off my toys. What part of MINE do you all not understand?

Transcriptionist: Tall Man and I don’t do those things. Why have we been included in your warning?

Stella: Button Number 3: Transcriptionists must be SILENT! Therefore, SILENCE! Consider my button pushed.

Transcriptionist: You don’t have buttons, Stella. You are just feeling grumpy.

Stella: Button Number 4: Don’t question my buttons.

The Giant Floating Enemy – Conversations with Stell

Posted on February 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Shhhh! Everybody stay down! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am warning you. The human known to us as Tall Man was followed into the house by a Giant Floating Enemy. He does not appear to be aware of the danger. No! Now he is handing a string to Lady Human and the Giant Floating Enemy is floating in her direction. LADY HUMAN, WATCH OUT!

Me: Watch out for what? Nothing’s going on.

Stella: That! That! That…thing!

Me: This is a balloon. Tall Man gave it to me for Valentine’s Day. Isn’t it cute?

Stella: No! It is big! It is weird! IT IS FLOATING!

Me: It’s cool! There is a gas inside of it that is lighter than the air out here so it floats.

Stella: IT HAS GAS! NO! THAT’S HORRIBLE! EVERYONE, COVER YOUR NOSES!

Me: Not that kind of gas, Stella. After all, it is not a bulldog.

Stella: What is it supposed to be?

Me: It is a balloon. A type of toy. It is shaped like a cartoon bear.

Stella: Where did it come from? Outer space?

Me: It’s man-made.

Stella: Why do humans keep coming up with these scary things? Did the bears say it was all right to make them look like that?

Me: It’s cute. We like fun, cute things, especially around holidays.

Stella: You had another holiday? Is that all that people do? One holiday right after another? Another excuse to bring strange things into the house?

Me: Our idea of fun is different than yours.

Stella: So, this balloon – can you eat it?

Me: No.

Stella: Can you sleep on it?

Me: No, not really.

Stella: Can you chew it?

Me: No, not a good idea.

Stella: A giant bag of gas is floating through the house, scaring everybody, but no one can eat it, sleep on it, chew on it, or really play with it, and the humans made this on purpose.

Me: Well, that makes it sound kind of stupid.

Stella: Lady Human, enough said.

Don’t Show Off! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 14, 2017February 14, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Lady Human! Who are those dogs on the Picture Box?

Me: That’s the Westminster Kennel Club Show. I recorded it.

Stella: Do they know that the green they are prancing around on is not real grass.

Me: They probably don’t care.

Stella: Someone will care if they go to the bathroom on it. Somebody’s going to be mad that their green carpet isn’t green anymore. Look! It’s a bulldog. Look! He threw up! Hahahahahahaha! This is a good show!

Me: Stella, that’s not funny. He was trying to make a good impression on the judge.

Stella: He made a good impression on me. He didn’t miss a step. True bulldog. Wait! Judge? There’s a judge? Like judges on the Picture Box who send humans to jail? Are they sending the dogs to jail? Noooo!

Me: Not that kind of judge. This show is a contest.

Stella: Like the Super Bowl?

Me: Sort of, but there is no physical contact. Thank God. I would hate to see how that would turn out.

Stella: Easy. Bulldogs win.

Me: Not necessarily. And there is no prize money at this dog show. The winner gets a ribbon or something and the honor of being named Best of Breed or Best of Show.

Stella: Why is that dog standing on a table? Is that a white-coat human?

Me: A vet? No, that is a judge, and not the jailing type judge. Each breed has set standards and that judge is checking the dog to see how well he meets those standards.

Stella: That’s mean, Lady Human. Comparing dogs based on how we look. We can’t help that, even though that one there is very good looking. I bet humans don’t have contests comparing their looks.

Me: Oh, you’d be surprised…

Stella: Don’t ever put me in one of those show-off shows, Lady Human.

Me: Don’t worry, Stella. I couldn’t if I wanted to.

Stella: What? Why not? Don’t you think I am pretty enough?

Me: It’s not that.

Stella: What? You think that I can’t run around fake green grass in circles like a silly nilly and smile and smile and tilt my head and be all like ‘aren’t I the cutest thing’?

Me: Oh, I know you can do that, especially the silly nilly part.

Stella: Then why?

Me: You are an Olde English Bulldogge.

Stella: I am Queen.

Me: Well, queen or not, ‘Oldies’ are not recognized by the American Kennel Club. Yet. That means you can’t even get into the contest.

Stella: What do you mean ‘not recognized’? LOOK AT ME! I AM THE BULLDOGGIEST BULLDOG EVER! How could they not recognize me?

Me: It’s hard to explain. It has to do with pedigree and bloodlines and paperwork.

Stella: Precisely why humans should not be judging dog shows. Dogs should.

Me: The dog shows are human events.

Stella: Like everything else. Phufff.

What is Friday and Why Do The Humans Go Crazy Over It? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 10, 2017February 10, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello, humans and everyone else! It is Friday. So what? The humans seem to put a great deal of stock in this day every week. Why? Is this just another silly human tradition? Today looked like any other day to me, except that Lady Human made a special trip out to get cat food.

Me: You weren’t upset when I make a special trip to pick up your food.

Stella: Of course not. That is necessary. But cat food? Why can’t the cat eat our food, not that I am giving any of our food away, but really? A special food for cats? Why couldn’t you have picked hers up at the same time you picked ours up?

Me: Are you truly so concerned with efficiency? Making one trip instead of two?

Stella: No. I don’t care, except I don’t like it when you go off on errands and we have to stay at home.

Me: Every time I come home, all I hear when I open the door is bulldog snoring. It’s not as though you are sitting there waiting for me.

Stella: It is called ‘using time wisely’. Why stare at a wall when you can get a good nap in?

Me: To answer your question, I have to go to a different place entirely to pick up the cat’s food. She has a sensitive stomach and can’t eat just any old thing.

Stella: Of course she can! We have sensitive stomachs and you don’t see us holding back. We eat any old thing we find outside. Found food is the best kind. But…

Me: But?

Stella: Friday.

Me: Friday?

Stella: The humans make such a big deal about Friday. What is Friday?

Me: Friday is the last workday of the week for many humans. Then the two-day weekend starts.

Stella: So? Every day is the same. Giving a day a name doesn’t make it special. Just like you giving the cat a name doesn’t change her into a dog.

Me: Friday has a special feel to it for people who don’t work on Saturday and Sunday. Lot of humans go out to eat or go to a movie or visit friends, stuff like that. Others just chill out. Evening is the beginning of Sabbath when some gather with family and friends to worship and to consider the things of God.

Stella: And you go to buy special cat food. That is sad, Lady Human, really sad. You could at least buy bulldog treats or something useful like that instead.

Humans Are So Talented That They Are Scary – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 9, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby issue this warning. Humans are scary! SCARY!

Me: Stella, indoor voice, please!

Stella: I have no indoor voice. I have only one voice – my voice. My big, bulldoggy voice.

Me: Why are humans suddenly so scary to you?

Stella: Not suddenly. For a long time now. Look at all the things you do. Driving rolling boxes at super fantastic speeds. Showing up on the Picture Box. Blowing things up.

Me: When have I ever blown anything up?

Stella: That big rubber ball in the yard. I saw you use that pumpy thing to blow it up.

Me: Oh, that kind of blowing up. Yeah, I have pumped air into quite a few things in my time.

Stella: You see! No bulldog could do that. We have enough air, but we can’t keep our lips tight for that long and we aren’t good with machinery. And by the way, the big rubber ball is terrifying.

Me: The others seem to like it.

Stella: The others are stupid. Never bump something with your nose that is double your height. What if it got mad? What if it started to chase you? What would you do?

Me: A big rubber ball? I’d probably kick it.

Stella: You see again? Human talent. Imagine a bulldog trying to do that.

Me: But why scary? I’m not scary.

Stella: What was that in your hand a few minutes ago?

Me: Ummm. A spoon?

Stella: Before that.

Me: A bowl?

Stella: Before that.

Me: The TV remote?

Stella: BEFORE THAT?

Me: An automatic lighter?

Stella: And what do you use that for?

Me: I use it to light scented candles.

Stella: And what does it do?

Me: It strikes a small flame…

Stella: FLAME! And what is another word for flame?

Me: Fire?

Stella: Bingo! And what is bingo?

Me: Off topic.

Stella: Okay. But do you see how scary that it? All a human has to do to start a fire is to pick up a lighter and press a button. SCARY. Do you know what a bulldog has to do to start a fire?

Me: What?

Stella: I HAVE NO IDEA!

Me: If you did know how to start a fire, can you guess what I would say?

Stella: What?

Me: SCARY!

When Stressed, Chew on a Dinosaur – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 8, 2017February 8, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, the Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but none of that matters right now. I am stressed out; therefore, I am chewing on a dinosaur that Lady Human gave me. There is nothing like chewing on a dinosaur to take your mind off your problems.

Me: And what problems are those, Stella?

Stella: The neighbor’s dogs barked most of the afternoon. So, of course, we barked. Someone (I assume they were human) kept coming by, probably to sell stuff. Sirens kept going off in the distance. And you were nowhere to be found, Lady Human. Nowhere. To. Be. Found. Whyyyy?

Me: I was running household errands. They don’t run themselves.

Stella: Why ever not?

Me: Physical things must be purchased and picked up physically. Not all things can be done online.

Stella: Now you are talking nonsense. What is ‘online’? Is that even a place? Why must things be picked up ‘physically’. Why can’t those people who come by selling stuff all the time bring the stuff you need ‘physically’? Whyyyy?

Me: Let me give you an example. We had only enough dog food to last two more days.

Stella: What? No!!! I told you not ever to let that happen again!

Me: We don’t pick up new food until the old food is almost out. That way the dog food stays fresher in the trash can.

Stella: Trash can! No!!! Why do you put our food in a trash can? Nasty!!!

Me: It is a clean metal trash can that has only been used to store dog food. Without it, your food might experience…visitors.

Stella: Visitors? No!!! What sort of visitors?

Me: You don’t want to know. Stella, stop screaming at everything I say.

Stella: Everything you say? No!!!

Me: Stella!

Stella: Oh, okay.

Me: Today I physically had to go pick up y’all’s dog food. That’s 3 fifty pound bags of dog food.

Stella: Like three of me.

Me: Right. Exactly. Three Stellas worth. Plus 50 pounds of chicken feed. And three pounds of parakeet food.

Stella: Chickens. Who cares? They can eat bugs. Parakeet, schmarakeet. So what?

Me: I pick up all three types of food at the same feed store. One trip. Three errands done.

Stella: Then why were you gone so long?

Me: I was gone for two hours. And remember, humans have to eat, too.

Stella: It freaked me…us…out.

Me: So it’s good to have a dinosaur to chew on.

Stella: A dinosaur, yes. And those 3 Stellas worth of dog food. Don’t forget that.

Me: But that’s for everybody.

Stella: Get another metal can for the others. The queen deserves her own stash.

Watch Where You’re Walking; It’s a Jungle Out There – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 6, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Lady Human, why are you lying on the ground? It is dirty. And why is red stuff dripping from your nose? And why are you carrying that silly little light in your hand?

Me: I was out here with a flashlight, looking for Doodlebug in the dark. I called and called and he didn’t come. Then I tripped over a fallen branch and hit my nose on the ground. How’s that for a story?

Stella: That’s a stupid story. It has no point.

Me: I think the point is to watch where you’re walking, especially in the dark. And carry a big flashlight.

Stella: I hear Doodlebug. He’s chewing on something behind the chicken run.

Me: Uhhh. You know what he said when I fell. “Hmph. Hmph.” Literally. That’s all he said.

Stella: That’s what I would have said.

Me: He hasn’t even come over to check on me.

Stella: Well, you are a human. You have great big human power. But get up! You look like Wiggles does when she’s been rolling around in the dirt. Long, round, and lazy. Like a hot dog. By the way, do you have a hot dog on you?

Me: Why would I have a hot dog on me when I was out here looking for Doodlebug in the dark?

Stella: I don’t know. A barbecue could’ve broken out. Do I need to drag you back into the house, bulldog style?

Me: No, I’ll be all right once I stop my bloody nose. I don’t think you could pull me in by yourself anyway.

Stella: How insulting! You have no idea what I can do in an emergency.

Me: You can do one thing for me. You can pull Doodlebug inside for me.

Stella: Sure thing, Lady Human. I just need a little incentive. You wouldn’t happen to have a hot dog on you, would you?

Stella’s News Flash – Giant Insect Army

Posted on February 5, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello, humans! I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges. Please be aware! Two giant insect armies are fighting on a field and nobody is doing anything to break it up. The only thing the humans here are doing is watching it and using it as yet another excuse to eat lots of food that they are not sharing with us bulldogs.

Me: Wait.What? Giant insect armies? No. It’s football. The Super Bowl.

Stella: A super bowl of food that we are not getting to enjoy. A super bowl of disappointment.

Me: It is a game.

Stella: I don’t think those giant insects think it is a game. They are fighting hard.

Me: Yes, but it is still a game, and they are not giant insects.

Stella: They have shiny round heads and their faces are covered and their shoulders are huge.

Me: Every time someone wears a helmet, you think that they are a giant insect. That’s not true. A helmet is head protection.

Stella: I would expect a giant insect to say that. Why are the humans not stopping these insect armies from fighting? Why are you watching it and eating food like it is a movie and, most importantly, why are you not sharing your food with us?

Me: Number one: these are humans, not insects. Number two: It is a game, albeit a tough one. These are teams, not armies. Number three: Eating fun food during a Super Bowl is a time-honored human tradition. Number four: Our football food would make you bulldogs sick.

Stella: Doesn’t it make you sick?

Me: Well…I will decline to comment on that for now. So do you understand? Human teams playing a game while people watch and eat food that is bad for bulldogs.

Stella: If you say so, Lady Human. Meanwhile, I will prepare the bulldogs for the inevitable giant insect invasion by the winning army. All right. ”Team”.

The Cat Has Friggin’ Eye Lasers! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 2, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Lady Human, I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me: I know who you are.

Stella: This is an official request. You must call your human government now. This is an emergency. I think it may be even more serious than when the giant insects attacked.

Me: Stella, we’ve gone over this. No giant insects ever attacked. Never, ever, ever. Now tell me what’s wrong.

Stella: Shhhh! Whisper! She’ll hear us.

Me: Who will hear us?

Stella: Moon, the cat.

Me: What will she hear?

Stella: That I saw the lasers in her eyes. Call the army people. They need to know. We can’t be sure when she will use them. She has kept them a secret for a long time.

Me: What you saw were the natural reflectors in her eyes, not lasers.

Stella: No, they were lasers, just like on those Star Trek shows that you are always watching and watching and watching and watching…

Me: On Star Trek, they use phasers.

Stella: Whatever they are called. The shiny, beamy things.

Me: Stella, stop worrying. I’ve seen Moon’s eye beams before. Cats have reflectors in their eyes that help them gather light so that they can hunt better in the dark. God made them that way.

Stella: Why didn’t He give us that equipment?

Me: You will have to ask Him. He did not give that to humans either. But He did give you all those wonderful noses.

Stella: I would prefer eye lasers.

You’re a Human! Do Something! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 31, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Me: I caught Wiggles and Doodlebug trying to dig under the chicken house today. Water had been eroding a low spot on one side. I had placed two thick boards over the depression so that neither chickens nor dogs could work their way through. Today the boards had been moved and the dogs were paying more than casual interest in the depression.

Stella: Why are you telling us this? It is so boring.

Me: I think Wiggles and Doodlebug will try to dig under the chicken house to assault the chickens.

Stella: Okay.

Me: Not okay.

Stella: The silly chickens will just have to run around like silly chickens, but they do that anyway so no harm, no foul.

Me: Sorry. Harm and foul. The bulldogs won’t realize that they are too strong for the chickens. They mean to play, but the chickens are too delicate for their type of play. That’s why we built the chicken run and chicken house for them. The run has a hardware cloth floor to protect from burrowing animals, but the chicken house was a re-purposed kid’s fort and it has no sub-flooring.

Stella: Boring!

Me: You wanted to know.

Stella: I didn’t really. I was just being polite. Aren’t you a human?

Me: Yes. But when has that ever slowed a bulldog.

Stella: You are a human. Do something! Fix the problem!

Me: They have shifted every large rock I have placed out there.

Stella: Use bigger rocks. Put more over the weak spot. Keep Wiggles and Doodlebug away from that place. YOU ARE A HUMAN! ACT LIKE ONE!

Me: Being a human is tiring sometimes.

Stella: So is being a bulldog. Why do you think we take so many naps?

Pouting Is An Art Form – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 30, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I will not be saying much today because I am pouting and, to be effective, pouting must be done correctly. So there. Hmph!

Me: Pouting. Pouting about what?

Stella: Hmph!

Me: Stella, what’s got you all pouty?

Stella: Paahrrrr!

Me: I see you blowing your cheeks out.

Stella: Paahrrrr!

Me: Here let me try. Pruhhh!

Stella: No, not like that. It has to be done right to get a reaction. Like this – Paahrrrr! Blow your cheeks out more. Not so much lip fluttering.

Me: Why so pouty?

Stella: Hmph. I don’t have to answer that question.

Me: Oh-kay. Well, I’m going to read a little and then take a nap. See you later.

Stella: NOOOO! I AM POUTING. WATCH ME POUT!

Me: I wonder if there is something good on TV. No, probably not.

Stella: PAY ATTENTION! Pouting is no good unless somebody watches you do it. NO ONE CAN POUT ALONE!

Me: I am glad you told me the rules. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

Stella: NO! No excusing. Watch me pout. Pay attention to ME! I AM MAD! Well, not mad. I don’t want anyone to think that I am a “mad dog” because people don’t like “mad dogs” and I’m not a “mad dog”. I have had all my shots and…

Me: I thought you weren’t going to talk much today. How about just admitting that you are pouting because I won’t let you jump on the cat and she is over on the couch right now, resting on her cat bed.

Stella: Hmph! Pout. Pout. Pout. Hmph! All these people talking about a dog’s purpose. I’ll tell you what this bulldog’s purpose is – to chase that cat. And to pout when I don’t get my way. So here I am – Stella, the Cat-Chasing, Cat-Catching, Cat-Scratched, Pouting-Like-a-Boss Bulldog, being kept from fulfilling my bulldog purpose. Mwaah!

Me: Hey, how about a treat?

Stella: Sure! Give it here! You know napping may be one of my other purposes. I’ll pursue that one for a little while and get back to the other ones later.

Don’t You Dare Build That Wall! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 29, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby decree that the humans are forbidden from building a wall to keep me off the cat’s couch bed!

Me: How about this? I hereby decree that you are forbidden from jumping on the cat’s bed again!

Stella: Are you a queen? If you are not an official queen, you are not authorized to issue any decrees.

And who jumped on the cat? When did this happen?

Me: Stella, you know what you did.

Stella: She teased me. She mocked me with her little meowy voice.

Me: I was right there. I heard no teasing.

Stella: Yeah, well, I think your hearing is not as sharp as it used to be. You seem tuned out to cat noises.

Me: I saw you staring at her and you ignored me when I called you. What you were planning was written all over your face.

Stella: What? Who’s been writing on my face?

Me: Before I could move to block you, up you went on the couch, standing over poor ole Moon, freaking her out of her cat mind…

Stella: Not hard to do. She’s too sensitive. I didn’t even drool on her. This time.

Me: And then you struck that pose that looked like you had just conquered Everest.

Stella: Everest? Is that another cat?

Me: No, it’s a big mountain. And yes, I am building a barrier so you can’t access the cat’s bed. Ever since you did that, the cat has been sticking to all her highest places.

Stella: Like Everest? That’s all right. I can learn to mountain climb. Go ahead and build your wall, Lady Human. If I can climb a mountain, I can climb a wall.

Snorting is a Serious Matter – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 26, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, and if anyone should know about bulldog snorting, it should be me. My snorting is loud and impressive, evidence of my good bulldog breeding. Since the windy, branch-shaking day though, Lady Human has been imitating me and badly, all to make fun of me. I don’t like that. It’s not funny. It makes me mad. Stop it, Lady Human, stop it now!

Me: Ah-choo!

Stella: You did it again! No respect!

Me: Ah-choo! I can’t stop.

Stella: Of course, you can stop. You’ve never behaved this way before and I have known you for almost 2 days.

Me: Ah…almost…2…years…choo!

Stella: I don’t sound like that! My snorts are serious.

Me: I am not mimicking you, honey. There is some allergen in the air. It blew in on Sunday and I’ve been breathing it in. I’ve been sneezing ever since.

Stella: Stop breathing in.

Me: I can’t stop breathing, Stella. Not a good idea.

Stella: Oh. Yeah. Never mind. Then wear one of Tall Man’s giant insect masks.

Me: If it weren’t so bulky, that might be a good idea. Do you believe me now that I am not trying to make fun of you?

Stella: Yes. I am sorry that I doubted you, Lady Human. It’s just that with so many people making fun of bulldogs, it is hard to maintain any semblance of dignity.

Me: Dignity is important to y’all, isn’t it?

Stella: Of course. Isn’t it important to humans?

Me: Yes.

Stella: I have heard that some humans call us ‘the clowns of the dog world’. Others are afraid of us because of our size, our faces, our upside-down vampire teeth.

Me: Like the lady at the feed store was afraid.

Stella: Yes. I did not understand that. Everyone else has always given me a chance.

Me: She ended up giving you a chance and you came through shining like a star. And don’t be concerned if people laugh at you, Stella. Be concerned when you forget how to laugh back.

Stella: Lady Human?

Me: Hmmm?

Stella: Hahahahaha! You sound so funny when you snort! A-choo! A-choo! Do it again!

Queen Stella’s Secret Instructions – Stella’s Blog

Posted on January 24, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hear ye! Hear ye! I, Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, command the bulldogs to attend to my words. These instructions are for bulldogs only and shall not be shared outside the confines of my palace. In other words, this is a secret. Don’t tell the humans because it is about them.

Transcriptionist: Don’t you think it is a bad idea to have a human transcribe your secret instructions that you are trying to keep from the humans?

Stella: What’s your point?

Transcriptionist: How can your secret instructions be kept secret if you are having an outsider type them for you?

Stella: Hmmm. That is…what was that word you taught me? Ah, a quandary. None of the bulldogs know how to type. I will have to type the words myself. Give me your black typing box.

Transcriptionist: I beg your pardon.

Stella: Granted. Now give me your black typing box.

Transcriptionist: Nope.

Stella: Oh, you are waiting for me to use that ‘magic’ word. Very well. Give it to me NOW! Is that better?

Transcriptionist: Nope.

Stella: Oh, all right! Here they are. Don’t tell anyone except a bulldog!

The quickest way to a human’s sympathies is a hang dog look. Look pitiful especially if you have done something wrong and you know it. Most humans are very forgiving creatures and they can’t stand to see us look sad.

If you don’t want to follow a human’s command, tilt your head to one side like you don’t understand even if you do. They think that is adorable and will usually let you off the hook so you can go on doing whatever it is that you were doing.

Now this next one is so super-secret that it must be put into bulldoggese. Deeknsoingnoindooorgonieing raharuh mwaahhh. And that’s it. Plain as the nose on my face.

Transcriptionist: You make me feel special, Stella, like the member of a bulldog club.

Stella: I’m glad you feel that you belong to us, Lady Human. There are other secret instructions, but they must wait until I meet a bulldog who can type, one with her very own black typing box. I had no idea that humans were so clingy to their stuff. Be more like bulldogs, Lady. Learn to share.

The Chicken Conspiracy – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 23, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Run! Run! Get away as fast as you can! You can thank me later. Me, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Stella, what’s wrong?

Stella: Take a deep breath through your limited human nose.

Me: Whoa! Who did that?

Stella: Miss Sweetie. It was a gas attack.

Me: Poor Miss Sweetie.

Stella: Poor us, you mean. Run! Run for your lives! No, not you, Sweetie. You stay right there.

Me: Our lives are not in danger.

Stella: You could’ve fooled me.

Me: Whoa, Sweetie! What did you eat?

Stella: It’s the fault of the chickens. They pushed an egg out of their run. Right at her. On purpose. They know she has no self-control when it comes to their eggs. Wicked chickens.

Me: Maybe they were being friendly.

Stella: Friendly? Stinking up the whole world is friendly?

Me: It’s not the whole world. It’s really just a few feet around Miss Sweetie.

Stella: No, Lady Human, the chickens conspired to run us from the yard. I am a queen. Queens know when there is a conspiracy afoot.

Me: Afoot? You have been watching too much Sherlock.

Stella: Or have you been watching too much Sherlock? That may be part of their plan, too.

Me: Why would they care if you are in the yard? They have their run and their house. They don’t even cross paths with you.

Stella: Chickens are smarter than humans give them credit for being. They are planning a takeover. Do you see how they hunker down together like a big pile of fuzz? That’s when they discuss it. Oh no, maybe the squirrels are in on it!

Me: Okay, time for some fresh air, Stella. I think the gas has gone to your head.

Stella: That’s it! We need gas masks. Tell Tall Man to get some. Like the one he wears when he cuts the grass and pretends to be a giant insect. Bulldogs will not be outsmarted by chickens. We will defeat this conspiracy. We will all look like giant insects. I can’t wait to see what the chickens will have to say about that.

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