Olde English Bulldogges – Page 5

Sniffing Time – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 8, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and…

Me: Stella, girl, it’s cold. If you’re finished, let’s go in.

Stella: Not finished. Still sniffing.

Me: Okay.

Stella: What is that noise you’re making?

Me: I’m humming. You’ve heard me do that before.

Stella: Please stop. It is interfering with what I am doing.

Me: You’re sniffing.

Stella: Yes.

Me: How can humming interfere with sniffing?

Stella: Sniffing is a delicate art. Anything can interfere with it.

Me: Well, can you cut the sniffing short a little bit? It’s cold out here and I’d like to get back inside.

Stella: You know how you sit down with a cup of that stuff you call ‘coffee’ and, no matter how we try, you don’t get up until you have your silly ‘coffee break’?

Me: Coffee breaks aren’t silly. They are necessary hedges against the intrusions of insistent bulldogs. If I give in, my coffee gets cold.

Stella: Sniffing isn’t silly either and sniffing can’t be cut short.

Me: How long can you sniff the same ground over and over?

Stella: Sniffing is my coffee break, only without the coffee. Now let’s go in. It’s chilly out here. Sniffing break’s over. My sniffer is getting cold and a cold sniffer has to be worse than cold coffee.

Love Taps – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 6, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. One of my favorite things is when Lady Human and I spend quiet time alone. She pets me and scratches my itchy spots and massages my shoulders and scratches my back and rubs my ears and… hey, why are you stopping?

Me: Places to go. People to see.

Stella: What places? Where? What people? Who?

Me: I have stuff I’ve got to do. We can meet again later.

Stella: 1…2…3…okay, later is now.

Me: I know, Stella. I enjoy quiet time, too. But who is going to grocery shop and clean y’all’s bowls and wash the clothes…

Stella: I don’t wear clothes. Let them wash themselves. Pet me. Scratch me.

Me: Stella, let me have my hand.

Stella: Pet me. Scratch me.

Me: Stella, let my arm go.

Stella: Never. Pet me. Scratch me. Tap. Tap. Tap.

Me: You have no idea how heavy your paws are.

Stella: Yes, I do. Tap. Tap. Tap. Stay here. Pet me. Scratch me. LOVE ME!

Me: Isn’t cleaning your bowls love?

Stella: Maybe, but it doesn’t feel as good.

Sky Battle – Hawks vs. Crows – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 5, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and a witness to an epic battle in the sky over our home.

Me: I’m not sure it was epic. Probably happens all the time.

Stella: There were these 2 hawks. And there was this group of crows…all of them yelling. CAW! CAW! CAW!

Me: A murder of crows.

Stella: Say again?

Me: A flock of crows is called a ‘murder’ of crows. I know. Weird.

Stella: Scary. The crows drove the hawks away, but they did not murder them.

Me: No. I counted 7 crows all flying at the hawks at once. Not many, but enough. The hawks hightailed it.

Stella: Where did they go?

Me: Back to their home. I saw a nest not far from here. The crows can’t let them stay around. The hawks will rob their nests.

Stella: Hawks are robbers? But they are so beautiful.

Me: And hawks can carry off small animals, well, small to medium animals.

Stella: Carry off? As in flying off with animals? To teach them to fly?

Me: Not exactly.

Stella: Why then?

Me: Hawks are predators and they hunt for their food and they have great eyesight so when they see an animal on the ground, they swoop down and…

Stella: Carry them off for food! Animals like…bulldogs?

Me: I have not heard of…

Stella: But bulldogs are too big, too heavy, right? How much can hawks pick up?

Me: I’ve heard from 6 to 60 pounds so…

Stella: So, no bulldogs. We weigh more than 60 pounds, right, Lady Human? Lady Human?

Me: Well, Tiger weighs about 75 and so does Snoopey. Wiggles weighs 70. Miss Sweetie is a tank. She weighs 81 and a half. Doodlebug, he’s usually around 79.

Stella: And me? Tell me I weigh more than 60 pounds.

Me: As it happens, you’re a little lightweight for an OEB. You weigh 50.

Stella: Please tell me that 50 is more than 60.

Me: Not exactly.

Stella: AAAAGGGGHHHH! I’m hawk food!

Me: These hawks aren’t the biggest, so I don’t think there’s any chance…

Stella: But they have friends!

Me: They tend to work alone.

Stella: Then why were there 2 of them?

Me: Hey, seven little bitty ole crows chased them off.

Stella: That’s the ticket! We need to recruit more crows. Get several murders of them working for us. We can share the chicken feed with them. The chickens won’t mind. You won’t let me go out alone while the hawks are around, will you? Do you weigh more than 60 pounds?

Me: Yep. I’d say so.

The Long, Red Monster Incident – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on January 2, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs, on my count, 1, 2, 3…ATTACK!

Miss Sweetie: I’ll get it, Aunt Stella! Nobody invades our home!

Doodlebug: Stop, you ugly monster! I’ve got you!

Me: What is going on? Why are you all freaking out?

Snoopey: See it! See it! Stop it! It has grabbed Tall Man!

Me: The mop? Not again. More like Tall Man has grabbed it.

Tiger: No! He is wrestling with it! Back and forth! Back and forth! We must help him!

Me: Hey, y’all, we’ve had this discussion before. A mop is a floor cleaner. It is not dangerous.

Wiggles: Of course, it is dangerous! It is long and red. Long, red things are dangerous.

Me: Can you even see red?

Stella: When you bring that yellow brush thing out, do we bark at it?

Me: The broom? As a matter of fact, no.

Stella: Because it is yellow. Yellow things are not a threat. But red things are monsters.

Me: So if the mop were yellow, it would be all right?

Stella: There are no such things as yellow mops. But long, red monsters are real.

Me: There! He put the mop up. Can you stop barking now?

Stella: Cease the attack! The long, red monster has retreated. I declare a bulldog victory! Yay us!

Me: I guess I could always paint the mop handle yellow.

Yet Another Human Party Day – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 31, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human tells me that this is yet another human holiday. How many holidays can humans have? She says that this one celebrates a change in what they call a calendar. I am glad bulldogs do not have such silly things.

Me: It would just be one more thing to chew up.

Stella: And this is just one more day for humans to party.

Me: You don’t see me partying, do you?

Stella: You party by watching things on the Picture Box and eating nuts.

Me: Yes. That makes pretty much every day a party for me.

Stella: I don’t understand what this celebration is about. The humans on the Picture Box pop exploding bottles that shoot foam everywhere. They fire off guns and rockets that blow up the sky.

Me: And, hopefully, nothing else.

Stella: What’s the big deal? You said that you all change the calendar and, from what I gather, a calendar is a short book made of paper with numbers written on each page and each page has a different name but none of them are named after dogs, so I don’t really care. Is that about right?

Me: Yeah, pretty much.

Stella: So why celebrate paper?

Me: It’s the idea of a new start. The year changes and people like to think about changing things in their lives.

Stella: But they’ve already changed the calendar. Isn’t that enough? Humans are so needy.

Me: A lot of people like to start a diet after the holidays to lose weight.

Stella: Diet. You mean as in eating less?

Me: Yep. Maybe. That can be part of it.

Stella: Madness! Let’s get this so-called holiday over with as soon as possible. Eating less? Preposterous. Keep your new calendars. I’ll stick with last year’s. Bulldogs eating less. The very idea…

Human Howling – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 30, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Will someone please stop the noise? Why do humans howl? They don’t like it when we do it.

Me: Howling? Who’s howling?

Stella: You are. And those humans on the Picture Box. Dreadful. Make it stop.

Me: Those people were singing an old song that I know. I was singing along.

Stella: Lady Human, begging your pardon, but that was not singing. It was howling. I should know. Not that I mind howling. It is a lovely sound when it comes from a dog.

Me: Singing is a whole lot more complicated than howling.

Stella: Says the human.

Me: Says the anybody.

Stella: All I am asking is keep it down. Some of us are trying to sleep.

Me: Let me sing you to sleep.

Stella: Like this? Ooooo…wooooo….owwwww!

Me: No. Not like that. Please…

Stella: As I thought. The only taste humans have is in their mouths.

Bulldog Treat Catch Bowl Game – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 29, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Welcome to the Bulldog Treat Catching Bowl Game. Today’s contestants are Tiger and Doodlebug.

Me: Okay, ready, Doodle?

Doodlebug: Mmm hmmm.

Stella: Whoops! Miss!

Doodlebug: Not fair! Do over!

Stella: Let Tiger have her turn.

Me: Okay, ready, Tiger?

Tiger: Yep.

Stella: Nice catch. One point.

Doodlebug: How does she do that?

Tiger: Watch and learn, kid.

Me: Tiger keeps her eyes on the treat and keeps her mouth slightly open. As it falls, if she has to, she adjusts her head to get right under it. Great technique.

Doodlebug: What am I doing wrong?

Stella: Simple. You keep your mouth shut and look up like you expect the treat to fall right into it anyway and, when it doesn’t, you look all surprised. It bounces off your nose and you’re all like, “How did that happen?”

Doodlebug: Well, how does that happen?

Stella: Doodle! Closed mouths catch no treats.

Tiger: Neither does his opened mouth. Pick a new game, bud. Maybe something where you use your big ole paws to bat treats into my mouth.

House Rules – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on December 28, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Lady Human! Wiggles is dragging towels out of the clean up box. Violation of House Rule 1,390,245.

Me: Wiggles, leave the towels alone.

Wiggles: No. Yes. No. Okay. Can I keep the ones I already have?

Me: I guess so, as long as you don’t eat them.

Wiggles: Awwww. Never mind then.

Me: And Stella, we don’t have a million plus house rules.

Stella: You could’ve fooled me.

Snoopey: Lady Human! Stella is sitting too close to the Picture Box. She is staring at it. That’s bad for her eyes. Violation of House Rule blah – blah – blah – blah – blah.

Stella: Hey, I’m the one who gets to call out House Rule violations. And I’m not, because I like these pretty pictures. And besides, Wiggles is still in violation of House Rule 1,390,245 and she is pulling out more towels and Lady Human hasn’t stopped her.

Tiger: Lady Human! Miss Sweetie is sitting over in the corner making loud, rumbly noises. Violation of some House Rule or other, I’m sure.

Me: House Rules are to promote safety, peace, and enjoyment. How are rumbly noises a violation of those?

Tiger: I don’t enjoy her rumbly noises so there’s that.

Miss Sweetie: Lady Human! Doodlebug walked into Wiggles’ crate, sniffing around and drooling! Violation of House Rule something or other.

Doodlebug: Tattle tale! Nosy nose!

Miss Sweetie: Lady Human! Doodlebug is calling me names for following the rules. Make him stop! Violation of House Rule I don’t know what, but…

Me: Okay. New House Rule.

Tiger: Oh, no!

Snoopey: Not another one.

Me: Everybody minds their own business.

Stella: That’s fine with me because everything is my business. Now make it official.

Me: Okay…it’s official?

Stella: Number, please.

Me: Really? How about Stella’s choice?

Stella: Great!

Me: So… what’s the number?

Stella: I have no idea. I can’t count that high.

Catch a Shooting Treat – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on December 27, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and we are having so much fun!

Me: You really like this game?

Stella: I like the way everybody looks so silly trying to catch the treats.

Me: Okay, to explain a little, I bought a toy that launches treats. So far, nobody has caught any. The treats mainly go sliding across the floor.

Stella: The bulldogs mainly go sliding across the floor, too.

Me: Let me try my alternative method of delivery.

Snoopey: Does this mean real delivery as in we finally get a treat?

Wiggles: I’ve been getting treats. You got to be fast.

Me: Let Doodlebug try first.

Tiger: Yeah, he needs the practice. Don’t start with somebody who catches 9 times out of 10.

Snoopey: Brag. Brag. Brag.

Tiger: No brag. Just fact.

Me: Okay, Doodle. Ready? Uh-oh.

Stella: Hahaha! It’s on his head.

Miss Sweetie: Doodle, look on your head!

Stella: He smells it, but he can’t figure out where it is! This is hilarious!

Miss Sweetie: Doodle, it just slid down to your back. It’s on your back!

Me: He can’t see it. He’s a bulldog. His back is invisible to him.

Snoopey: Poor Doodle. Help him find it, Lady Human!

Me: No, let him work his nose. He’ll find it.

Wiggles: What if I just walk over all quiet like and pick it off his back…

Doodlebug: Found it! Mine!

Me: Good boy! Good job!

Stella: Good boy? It landed on his head and it took him how long to find it? Drop a treat on my head. I’ll show you how it’s done!

Me: What if I just launch the treats in the air…

Stella: With a treat gun? Like that kid on that Picture Box movie? NOOO! You could put somebody’s eye out!

Me: I won’t ever aim it at anybody.

Stella: Famous last words.

Me: What if I use a sling shot?

Stella: Do you hear what you are saying?

Me: No?

Stella: Shot. Launch. Aim.

Miss Sweetie: Yeah, Lady Human. Cool food delivery. Can we get our breakfast that way?

Bulldog Celebrations – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 25, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogs, and first let me say, ‘Merry Christmas to all’ before I start pointing out all the ways humans mess up celebrations.

Me: Well, thank you. And no, thank you.

Stella: Didn’t you tell me that criticism is helpful?

Me: Constructive criticism, yes. But not too much and not too often. It can get kind of overwhelming.

Stella: Constructive. As in the human word ‘construct’? I have to build something? With these paws? How do you expect me to do that?

Me: Never mind. Just tell me how you think humans mess up celebrations, so we can all go to bed on time tonight.

Stella: Number one: That one right there – everything is rushed. Meals and visiting. Got to go here. Got to go there. Rush, rush, rush. And there’s all that food.

Me: What’s wrong with food?

Stella: Nothing, if you share. Otherwise the good smells are so unfair. It makes me want to cover my big old nose with my big old paws. Awwww. And then there are those things you hang all over the house, things that we are not allowed to chew on, play with, or carry around. Things that break if you breathe on them. Things that make funny noises and play music at all hours and flash lights into my eyeballs.

Me: All right then. How would you celebrate Christmas?

Stella: Me? I would eat a big breakfast, run around and potty outside, take a long nap, then another long nap, watch some Picture Box. That’s about it.

Me: What about visiting family and friends?

Stella: I already do too much of that every day.

You Did It Again – Conversations with Stell

Posted on December 24, 2017December 24, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has been silly again. She is silly at least once a year, usually at this time they call Christmas.

Me: I know. I know.

Stella: But if you know, you know, why do you keep doing it?

Wiggles: What did she do? What did she do? Did she pee on the carpet?

Me: No! I never do that! It would not even occur to me.

Wiggles: It occurs to me every time I walk into the front room.

Snoopey: It occurs to me in that room, too, but I don’t do it anymore. The humans don’t seem to like it.

Doodlebug: Self-control. Self-control. Self-control.

Miss Sweetie: What does that mean, Doodle?

Doodlebug: I don’t know, but it sounds good and it has something to do with the carpet in the front room.

Tiger: Why does Lady Human go out every Christmas only to come home too tired to play my jump around game for more than five minutes? Does Christmas mean ‘get tired and sit in a chair’? Because if it does, that’s fine. Just let me know in advance.

Stella: No, she said something about peace and goodwill. That must mean wearing yourself out and getting grumpy because that’s what she does.

Me: I don’t intend to, but I catch myself rushing around last minute and getting stuck in traffic and crowds.

Stella: Because traffic and crowds are so fun, right?

Me: No, they’re not.

Stella: Because traffic and crowds are Christmas?

Me: No, they’re not.

Stella: Would doing what Christmas really is make you tired and grumpy?

Me: No, it wouldn’t.

Stella: Then I would do what Christmas really is if I were you.

Me: Okay.

Stella: And I’d be careful walking into the front room. I just saw Wiggles run in there. Merry Christmas!

Me: Merry Christmas, Stella.

No Catty Remarks, Please – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. The cat is a rude, loud mouth and must be ignored. Always.

Me: What’s this about?

Stella: Rude. Loud. Mouth. You can’t tell me that you didn’t hear her. Meow. Meow. Meow. Typical.

Me: It means something to her.

Stella: She lays up there on top of the big chair, looking down on us from her high perch like she’s all that and a bag of bulldog treats, and she starts making these remarks and I know that she is picking on us and putting us down.

Me: Maybe she’s saying, ‘Hello!’

Stella: She sees us every day, Lady Human. Why would she say ‘hello’?

Me: I doubt she’s insulting you.

Stella: She’s a cat! Why do you think humans call spiteful comments ‘catty’?

Me: You know about that?

Stella: I know a lot of things, Lady Human. You would be surprised.

Me: I already am, Stella.

Stella: There is no other choice. I must work on a dog/cat dictionary for the benefit of human and dog kind.

Me: How are you going to accomplish that?

Stella: Very carefully. And from a safe distance.

Weather for Ducks – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 21, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. A couple of days ago, the sky cried all night. It rained cats and squirrels.

Me: I believe that the expression is ‘it rained cats and dogs’.

Stella: Nonsense, Lady Human! Dogs would never be so foolish as to get caught up in the sky just to fall to the ground. Where was I? Oh, yes. The ground was a shallow lake. The humans say that it was great weather for ducks. And Lady Human wants us to go out in this mess because she refuses to build us a bathroom in the house. What do we look like? Ducks?

Me: It’s not raining anymore.

Stella: Did the sky run out of tears?

Me: Sort of.

Stella: Then what were those water drops that kept falling from the sky?

Me: Those were drips from the trees. And from the roof. And condensation from the fog.

Stella: So, rain leftovers. The ground is still soaking wet. My precious toes deserve better.

Me: Think of it as a mud bath for your feet. Some humans pay a lot of money for that sort of treatment.

Stella: All humans know how to waste their time. They should go outside here and try our cold mud. Take your shoes off, Lady Human, and dip your toes. Sticky. Mucky. Dirty toenails. The whole package in seconds. Enjoy.

Me: Mmmm, no. But the fact remains – you all need to go out. Bathroom break.

Stella: Only when the trees stop weeping. Only when the dirt stops swimming.

Me: Can you hold out that long?

Stella: Mmmm, well…now that I think about it…NO! Outta my way! Time to make another puddle!

Fuzz Is Not For Eating – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on December 18, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! Bulldogs love to eat, preferably food, but we have been known to eat other things. That is, we have been known to eat anything that will fit in our mouths.

Me: In other words, you settle.

Stella: No settling involved. If it fits, we eats.

Me: Yeah, like that fuzz that was on the floor.

Miss Sweetie: It looked like ice cream.

Tiger: Yeah, if you didn’t want us to eat it, why did you put it on the floor?

Me: I didn’t PUT it on the floor. It fell on the floor.

Tiger: Same difference. Humans are in charge of everything.

Me: Not exactly. I wish you all would understand that.

Snoopey: Now you are going to tell us that some mysterious force that no one can see causes the fake food to fall on the floor.

Me: Well, yes. Gravity.

Stella: Ridiculous. Human nonsense. Who ever heard of gravity? I think she makes that stuff up.

Me: I do not need to argue the existence of gravity. Just drop something and watch it fall. Not up. Down.

Doodlebug: I saw that delicious fuzz fly up before it headed for my mouth.

Wiggles: That proves there is no such thing as gravity. Lady Human is fooling us.

Me: My whole point is that you all not eat just anything that falls on the floor. Fuzz is not food.

Stella: It should be labelled as ‘NOT FOOD’.

Me: Why? You can’t read.

Stella: Oh, yeah. Well then, put one of those circles with a line on it.

Miss Sweetie: Yes, I would definitely eat that.

Me: All right, here’s a test. In my left hand, I am holding a piece of fuzz. In my right hand, I am holding a treat. Which one should you eat?

Stella: Put them both on the floor. We will check them out and let you know.

Miss Sweetie: Wait. What flavor is the fuzz?

Doodlebug: Does it matter?

Words to Ignore – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 17, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I now understand millions and billions of human words.

Me: I wouldn’t go quite that far.

Stella: Trillions and quadrillions.

Me: No, you’re headed the wrong direction.

Stella: Well, however many, I know a whole lot. And I have learned that some human words are wastes of time and should not be used.

Me: Dare I ask?

Stella: Sure. Why not?

Me: Because I may be entering a quagmire.

Stella: What’s a ‘quagmire’?

Me: That’s not one of your quadrillion known words, I take it.

Stella: Anybody can come up with one.

Me: All right. I’ll play the game. What words should be ignored?

Stella: No.

Me: Why not?

Stella: No, the word ‘no’ should be ignored.

Me: Well, explains a lot.

Stella: Instead of ‘no’, substitute the words, ‘Please go ahead and do as you wish.’ That will save humans and bulldogs lots of time and energy.

Me: That’s quite a mouthful. ‘No’ is a lot shorter and gets to the actual point.

Stella: It’s your time to waste, Lady Human. Another word to ignore is the word ‘sit’. If we want to sit, we most certainly will and there is little that can be done to stop us. Oh, which brings me to another word we ignore. That word is ‘stop’. Don’t even bother with that one.

Me: Okay…

Stella: ‘Okay’ is okay, mainly because we already give ourselves permission to do what we want anyway. If you say, “Okay’, understand that we have said it first.

Me: I give up.

Stella: That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long, long time.

Joining In Bulldog Games – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am the scorekeeper for the bulldog

games. What are they? I have no idea. When are they? Whenever. At Christmas time, the humans sing a song about reindeer games. If I don’t know what bulldog games are and I am a bulldog, I sure don’t know what reindeer games are. It is all too confusing and tiring. I am going to take a nap. At least I know what that is.

Me: I just started a treat catch game with Doodlebug and Tiger. Do you want to try it? All I do is hold a treat up above each of their heads and I drop it. They try to catch it in their mouths. Tiger is really good at it. She’s running about 90% accuracy.

Stella: And Doodlebug? He has the biggest face and biggest mouth of us all. How is he doing?

Me: Well, he moves his head a lot and the treat bounces off his nose most of the time. So…

Stella: He’s a loser.

Me: No, I wouldn’t say that.

Stella: I would. He can’t catch a treat in his big ole mouth because he won’t stop moving.

Me: Treat catch is just not his particular game. Every once in a while, he gets one. So…

Stella: He’s a part-time loser.

Me: And a part-time winner.

Stella: Pffffttt!

Me: Stella! How rude!

Stella: Let me try that treat catch game.

Me: All right. Here goes!

Stella: Awww! It bounced off my nose. Here, let me eat it.

Me: Want to try again? 1…2…3…

Stella: Aaagggh! It bounced off my nose. Where did it go?

Me: Never mind. I’ll find it later.

Stella: Never mind ‘never mind’. I’ll find it later!

Me: One more try, okay?

Stella: I CAUGHT IT! Right in my mouth! Yay, me!!! Aacckk! Aacckk! Aaaaghh!

Me: Chew it slowly.

Stella: What kind of a stupid game is this? The Choke a Bulldog by Throwing Food Game?

Me: No, that’s why the pieces are small. You just have to chew what you catch.

Stella: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought the treats were small because you were being stingy.

Everybody Gag! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on December 12, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde…English…Bulldogges. AAAAAGGGGHHH! Awww, what’s that awful smell?

Snoopey: It’s Lady Human. I smelled her as she passed by. AACK!

Me: Why all the barking?

Tiger: Stink! Stink! Stink!

Me: You all are the last of God’s creatures to be complaining about stink.

Stella: No, I think you hold that prize now, Lady Human. Gag. Cough. Spit. Ew, it won’t go away! You need to clear up that smell immediately.

Miss Sweetie: Yes, please. PLEASE! Ugh, my nose is burning.

Doodlebug: And you all thought MY breath smelled foul.

Wiggles: Your mouth is a rose garden compared to this. And I don’t even like roses.

Snoopey: Christmas is ruined! The stink killed it!

Me: Why are you all barking? It’s like an eruption!

Stella: Why? Are you kidding me? Take it away! Take the stink away! What is it? Will it end the world?

Me: No, it just seems like it. I harvested the chickens’ eggs. One of them exploded.

Stella: Was that the loud pop we heard?

Me: Yes. Yuck.

Stella: One rotten egg caused all this by itself?

Me: Yeah. Thank the LORD that the eggs were double bagged.

Stella: Not good enough!

Snoopey: Christmas is ruined!

Me: No, we will recover from this before Christmas. I promise. I’m disposing of the remains of the rotten egg now. Give it a few minutes.

Wiggles: Minutes? Is that like 1…2…3?

Doodlebug: 1…2…3…nope. Still stinks.

Me: Okay, the offending egg is outside.

Tiger: Not good enough.

Snoopey: Christmas is ruined! Nooooo!

Miss Sweetie: Why is Christmas ruined, Aunt Snoopey?

Snoopey: Because Christmas is supposed to smell good and now the whole world stinks.

Me: The stink will dissipate soon. There was only one rotten egg and it has been disposed of in the outside trash.

Snoopey: No! Then Christmas is ruined for the whole wide world.

Stella: Yes, but we’re okay. So, yippee!

Who’s a What? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 11, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am a good girl.

Me: Yes, you are.

Stella: What am I?

Me: A good girl.

Stella: Are you sure?

Me: Yes. Good girl.

Stella: Why?

Me: Why what?

Stella: Why am I a good girl?

Me: Well, when we go out, you won’t jump on people or attack other dogs.

Stella: So, I am a good girl because of what I don’t do.

Me: Yeah…

Stella: That’s all ‘good girl’ means then. I don’t act like a jerk when we go out. Okay.

Me: ‘Good girl’ is shorthand for everything you are. You are trustworthy. I can take you anywhere and not have to worry about your behavior. And when so many people are afraid of bulldogs…

Stella: I know! Why are they like that?

Me: Bad experiences, I guess. I don’t know, but ‘good girl’ means I can trust you. And ‘good girl’ means that you don’t try to stuff everything in the house into your mouth. I can leave the room and come back to find the furniture still intact. And ‘good girl’ also means that you do not bark insanely over nothing the way some we know do.

Stella: Name names. Oh, let me! Snoopey. Miss Sweetie. And Tiger, every other day. Say more about me!

Me: You have a sweet temper. You are patient when I have a lot to do.

Stella: Like when I wait for the bathroom door to open so I can go potty.

Me: The back door.

Stella: That’s what I said. I always wait for the bathroom. I am a good girl.

Party Platform – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on December 10, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I heard the humans talking about having a party on a platform. A party on a platform. Over and over they said it. And then I knew what they were talking about. A bulldog party on the outdoor table. That’s a great platform!

Me: That’s not what we were talking about. It was something completely different.

Wiggles: I love to stand on that table. It’s a great place for barking.

Miss Sweetie: It is my favorite sunbathing spot. The sun is closer there.

Doodlebug: Party! Party! Party!

Snoopey: Every once in a long while, the humans have a good idea.

Me: The platform we were talking about is not a table.

Tiger: We won’t all fit on top of that table at the same time. We will have to take turns.

Snoopey: Forget that! I am not taking turns with you!

Tiger: Oh, yeah? You want to fight? I’m ready! Any time!

Snoopey: Bring it on!

Me: Now that sounds more like the party platform discussion we humans were having.

Alert: The Trees Are Full of Humans! – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

Posted on December 9, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Wiggles is here to share what she witnessed out in the yard.

Me: Well, let me tell you what was going on…

Stella: Nope. Wiggles has the floor as the humans say even though it makes no sense because dogs always have the floor unless we want the couch or a big chair and then we have those, too…

Me: I was there. I saw the whole thing.

Stella: Boring. Humans talk all the time. Wiggles will give us the bulldog perspective. Go, Wiggles, go!

Wiggles: Go? Where? Go where?

Stella: No, I mean tell us what you saw.

Wiggles: Tree. Man. Flying man up in tree. Flying man with shiny sword up in tree. Me barking. And that’s about it.

Stella: Okay, that made just about no sense at all. Lady Human, would you care to translate?

Me: Sure, here is my boring translation: Tree – a man in our neighborhood had a tree in his yard that he needed to have trimmed. Man – actually, more than one man. The neighbor hired some men to trim the tree.

Stella: See! I warned everybody. Boring! Get to the interesting part!

Me: Flying man up in tree. Not a flying man. A climbing man.

Wiggles: With a shiny sword.

Me: With a shiny saw blade with which to cut branches.

Wiggles: No, I don’t think so. Definitely a flying man. Definitely a shiny sword. And me barking. Did you see me barking at him? Did you see how brave I was?

Me: Yes, I did see that.

Wiggles: I told him off. I told him he’d better not fly over onto our trees and he didn’t. Let all flying men with shiny swords stay away.

Stella: And yet the unarmed squirrels remain.

Wiggles: Of course. Squirrels don’t need swords to be terrifying.

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