Olde English Bulldogges – Page 10

How Do You Replace a Beloved Stuffie? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 4, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Whatcha doin’?

Me: Hello, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Stella: Don’t change the subject. Whatcha doin’?

Me: Nothin’.

Stella: All right. I asked politely. I am a dog, but I am not stupid. It is obvious that you are doing something. You have cloth on your lap and it is not clothing, or a blanket, or a napkin. So now I am demanding an answer as your queen…

Me: MY Queen?

Stella: What are you doing?

Me: I am attempting the impossible. I bought material today to put together an indestructible bulldog toy to replace Miss Sweetie’s stuffed chicken…Stella? Stella?

Stella: Hahahahahaha! Wait…I am catching my breath…Hahahahahahahahaha!

Me: Don’t you see that it would be better for her to have a soft toy she will like but will not be able to pull apart and swallow?

Stella: Yes. Hahahahahahahaha! Indestructible and bulldog never fit in the same sentence. How many years do you plan on devoting to this impossible task?

Me: Not years. A few days, off and on when I have time.

Stella: Days? Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Me: Well, thank you for your support.

Stella: You are welcome. I have all kinds of plans for how you should spend your time. First, buy me treats.

Me: You have treats.

Stella: I need more. Second, feed me my treats.

Me: Takes a couple of seconds, that’s it.

Stella: Third, scratch me and massage my shoulders until I say ‘stop’.

Me: Which is one word that you will never say, so pretty much the rest of our lives.

Stella: What’s the problem? It’s more fun than sewing some toy for Sweetie that she is going to destroy in a few minutes, isn’t it?

Me: Mmmm. I’m going to have to think about that. Still, I bought all this fabric…

Stella: I’ve been wanting a hoodie for cold weather camping.

Me: Mmmm. 5 months or so. That might just about give me enough time. But Sweetie is without her toy. I feel sorry for her.

Stella: Never feel sorry for a spoiled bulldog. They will control you forever. Now, scratch my belly!

Humans are Idiots – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 3, 2017July 3, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: What was that?

Me: No “I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges” announcement…

Stella: No! Lady Human, this is serious. What was that noise?

Me: Some people are shooting off fireworks. And guns. Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. It’s a big celebration day. Remember. We talked about this before.

Stella: The noises were never so loud before. This sounds like those lightning storms that crack the sky.

Me: The explosions do sound closer this year. We must have some new neighbors.

Stella; This is not neighborly! This is rude! And dangerous.

Me: Yes. A neighbor not too far away found a spent bullet on their front porch this morning.

Stella: Noooo! What if their dog had been sitting there?

Me: Or their child?

Stella: Why do humans do such things?

Me: We’ve talked about this before, too, remember? Humans are idiots. Not all of us. And not all the time. But quite a few of us a lot of the time. A few years before you came, we had a roofing contractor out and he found two bullet holes in our roof. Bullets that had fallen from the sky, probably from miles away.

Stella: Lady Human, you are not making me feel any better.

Me: Bottom line, those bullets hit our roof and we did not know a thing about it. God covered us that night. I pray that He does every night.

Stella: So we can go outside?

Me: The Great Creator does not invite us to be foolish. We will stay in tonight.

Stella: Look at Snoopey. She is the bravest among us and she is so scared right now.

Me: I will take care of Snoopey. She is coming back to my room and we will watch a movie and maybe sing a quiet song.

Stella: Hey, no fair. You are going to have a Fourth of July party without us?

Me: No, we are going to have a nice, quiet evening where nothing extraordinary happens. No fear. No harm. Happy Fourth of July, Stella.

Stella: Thank the Great Creator for me that we have a roof to cover us.

Me: Amen.

Stella: Why doesn’t the cat get scared?

Me: Cat.

Stella: Oh yeah. No fair.

He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wings shalt thou trust: His truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Psalm 91:4 KJV

Tight Places – Conversations with Stella

Posted on July 1, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It was a dark and stormy morning. Rain rattled the windows as I set off for my special rainy-day bathroom spot by the driveway in the side yard. I entered the shadowy garage. Suddenly, the way before me stood blocked.

Me: Not really. Substantially narrowed, I’ll grant, but still passable.

Stella: Are you a bulldog?

Me: No, I think we have established that.

Stella: Try to see it from my point of view. To the left of me lurked a barrel monster, menacing my every step.

Me: Not a barrel monster. That is the same short grill that has been there every day that it hasn’t been in use.

Stella: Once again, Lady Human, try to see it from my point of view. Bulldog. Wide. Remember. To my right and squeezing my path was an I-don’t-know-what. It was huge, towering above me, threatening to crush me if I tried to pass by.

Me: That is a large cardboard box. Tall Man has to cut it up before he can put it in the recycling bin. Did you notice that you were able to pass between those two impassable objects?

Stella: Only after you led the way.

Me: A lesson for all of us. Why were you willing to follow my lead when you weren’t willing to go on your own?

Stella: I don’t want to say.

Me: Was it because you trust me?

Stella: I don’t want to say.

Me: Aw, Stella, I’m touched.

Stella: Yeah, you would have been touched if that tall box had fallen on you. In narrow places, always let somebody else to go first.

Slimed! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on June 30, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am a neat freak. That is what Lady Human calls it when someone keeps their space and their face clean and orderly. Yay me!

Me: Yay you! So much less to clean up. Snoopey, Tiger, and Wiggles are pretty neat, too.

Stella: Except Wiggles eats thrown away stuff. Garbage is nasty.

Me: Speaking of nasty, the bulldog drool fest has increased of late. I guess it’s the heat. You even drooled a little.

Stella: No, I didn’t.

Me: Yes, you did.

Stella: I am Neat Freak Stella. I do not drool.

Me: Then what was that long string of goo dripping from your mouth?

Stella: Goo? I didn’t see any goo.

Snoopey: I did.

Me: Ewww! Doodlebug!

Tiger: Those were some monster length drool strings, boy. Good job!

Me: And now they are on my pants.

Miss Sweetie: You can have my drool, too, Lady Human. Here.

Me: Aaggghhh! Sweetie, stop shaking your head! The slime is going everywhere.

Miss Sweetie: I like to share.

Wiggles: I don’t have any drool so here…

Me: Wiggles, please!

Wiggles: A big wet kiss, right on your knee.

Me: Now I am going to have to change.

Stella: Change into what?

Me: Change clothes.

Stella: How come? Wiggles put a lot of effort into that kiss. And Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie have slung all their slime.

Me: I thought you didn’t like a mess.

Stella: I don’t, but it looks good on you.

Stop the Music! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on June 29, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and a true lover of the humans’ music. Today, I must say, SHUT IT OFF!

Me: What? What’s wrong?

Stella: Too many notes. STOP IT!

Me: Stella, you all seem to like it when I turn on music.

Stella: That is when you play good music, Lady Human. All you have played today is loud dance music. I like dancing as much as the next bulldog, but I can’t dance to this human stuff. I keep thinking about dancing, dancing, dancing, and now I am just tired. Good evening. I am going to take a long nap. See you in the morning.

Snoopey: Yeah, let’s go to bed. I’ve been dancing in my head all day long. I’m exhausted.

Tiger: And then there were those dancing humans on the Picture Box. I have never seen humans act that way. I think they may not have been real humans. They may have been mechanical. That’s scary.

Miss Sweetie: Dancing…dancing…dancing this way…dancing that…dancing forward…dancing back…

Stella: Sweetie, stop the stomping. Go to sleep.

Doodlebug: Dancing is just jumping around but slowly. I do that all the time. Therefore, I am the best dancer.

Wiggles: No, I am! Watch!

Me: Yay! Comma dance! Comma dance!

Stella: Anybody can do that!

Me: I can’t.

Stella: I meant anyone with dancing talent. You told me that you can’t dance.

Me: I can’t.

Stella: Is that why you watch all those humans dance on the Picture Box?

Me: I like to see people who do it well. What kind of music do you want to listen to?

Stella: Push that button.

Me: The volume?

Stella: Yes, push it again.

Me: Okay.

Stella: And again.

Me: Now I can’t hear it.

Stella: Push it one more time.

Me: Like that?

Stella: Yes, now I can’t hear it. Perfect. Good night.

Ew! I’m Not Walking Through That! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 28, 2017June 28, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Someone (possibly Lady Human) has messed up my only walkway to the backyard. My feet are special and I will not risk them by walking through the wetness. Nasty! Lady Human and the others must stop using the backyard as a toilet.

Me: Excuse me?

Stella: Sorry, Lady Human. Not this time.

Me: I’ll have you know that I do not go to the bathroom in the yard! Or anywhere outside! I am a human and our toilets are inside the house.

Stella: A thing that I have never understood. How unfair! Indoor toilets should be available to all.

Me: I have a pretty good imagination, but I have a hard time imagining a bulldog using a human toilet. Not saying impossible. Just saying unlikely and slightly dangerous.

Stella: But the mess! Someone peed on my walkway! I don’t care who did it (though I still doubt your denial). Yuck! I am not walking through that.

Me: I am hosing it off.

Stella: All that does is spread it around. Ewww. You expect me to get my tootsies wet with pee water?

Me: It’s not pee water, Stella. Look, do you want to go out by the driveway – your rainy-day spot?

Stella: Yes, yes, yes!

Me: All right. But I’m telling you that I just hosed off all the nasty stuff.

Stella: My nose tells me different. I’ve told you before. Millions of nasal receptors cannot be wrong.

Your Idea of Fun Vs. My Idea of Fun – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 25, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and today has not been a very fun day and I feel the need to complain.

Me: Is there ever a time you do not feel the need to complain?

Stella: Certainly, Lady Human. Whenever I get to have as much fun as you humans do.

Me: Every day is bulldog fun day.

Stella: Nope. Today wasn’t. You and Tall Man went and came and came and went. You went somewhere…

Me: Church.

Stella: Nope. You were gone way too long for church. I timed you.

Me: How?

Stella: With my belly. When breakfast is digested, you get home from church.

Me: Well, there was a church fellowship today so I stayed longer for that.

Stella: And what did they have at this thing called a ‘fellowship’?

Me: Brisket…

Stella: Meat?

Me: Yes. And they had sausage…

Stella: More meat?

Me: Yes. And bread…

Stella: More meat?

Me: No. But they had ice cream treats.

Stella: And then?

Me: A bounce house…

Stella: I like those.

Me: You have never been in one and they were for the kids. No dogs allowed.

Stella: No fair! I’ll bet you had fun.

Me: Yes, I’ll admit I did.

Stella: Where was my fun today? Boo-hoo-hoo. Nowhere. That’s where.

Me: All right, what’s your idea of fun?

Stella: You scratching and rubbing my neck, between my ears, my belly, my back…

Me: In other words, what we do every day.

Stella: Yep. You’ve had your fun for the day. Now it’s time for mine.

R.I.P. Stuffed Chicken Toy, Sweetie’s Old Friend – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on June 24, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Me: It is with great sorrow and not a little trepidation that we must say farewell to Stuffed Chicken Toy who has been a great comfort and friend to Miss Sweetie. After much consideration and debate…

Stella: And after hiding the chicken toy from Sweetie for a whole week…

Me: …Tall Man and I have decided that we must look for a more indestructible soft toy for Miss Sweetie’s powerful jaws and overwhelming personality.

Miss Sweetie: Where is my chicken?

Me: Gone to a better, a safer place, girl. Safer for you and for Stuffed Chicken Toy.

Miss Sweetie: But why?

Tiger: Because, silly, you insisted on tear off pieces of her.

Miss Sweetie: But we were playing. I thought she enjoyed that.

Snoopey: And you insisted on eating the pieces you tore off.

Wiggles: Like the chicken’s foot, remember?

Miss Sweetie: Oh, yeah, the foot that disappeared.

Stella: It only “disappeared” into you and only temporarily.

Me: Yes, temporarily, thank the LORD.

Miss Sweetie: You found my chicken’s foot? Where is it? Can she have it back?

Me: We found it. Yes, she can have it back.

Miss Sweetie: Where is it?

Me: It is in a safe place with Stuffed Chicken Toy.

Snoopey: A place where you can no longer eat it…again.

Miss Sweetie: I carried her everywhere.

Me: I know. Y’all were so cute, trundling around the house.

Miss Sweetie: She was my bestest friend ever.

Stella: Learn to make friends with real food. You will never go wrong.

Miss Sweetie: Oh, Stuffed Chicken Toy. I am so sorry that I ate your foot. And your beak. And I think that’s all.

Snoopey: You would have gotten around to the other parts soon enough.

Stella: I have a crateful of softie toys and I never eat them.

Tiger: Some bulldogs just can’t handle the soft stuff.

Doodlebug: Soft toys, yuck! If you want to eat something soft, eat poop.

Me: No, Doodlebug. We’ve had long talks about that.

Doodlebug: Oh, yeah. But still…

Me: Now I feel bad.

Stella: Don’t, Lady Human. It’s for her own good.

Me: I have to find some bulldog-proof soft toys, something she will like.

Stella: Impossible.

Me: Why impossible?

Stella: You said it yourself. Bulldog-proof. Impossible.

I Need To Speak to a Physicist – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on June 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella. Of the Olde English Bulldogges, I am Queen.

Me: Aaaagghhh!

Stella: What! What happened?

Tiger: You are the Queen. You tell us.

Snoopey: Doodlebug. Doodlebug happened to Lady Human.

Doodlebug: Zoom, zoom.

Me: Ow! Zero to sixty in one point five seconds.

Stella: Doodlebug! You cannot change direction on Lady Human when she is holding your leash.

Doodlebug: Yes, I can. Watch!

Me: Ow! Whoa!

Stella: Doodlebug, stop!

Me: Let’s see. An 80-pound bulldog pulling a resistant object, namely me, flat out. How much force is he exerting? I need a formula. I need a solution.

Snoopey: I have a solution. Hey, Doodlebug, stop dragging Lady Human!

Doodlebug: I go fast! Zoom! Lady Human? Why are you on the floor? Do you want to wrestle?

Don’t Call Yourself ‘Stupid’! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 21, 2017June 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella. I am an Olde English Bulldogge. I am their Queen.

Me: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Stella: And I am not stupid.

Me: No! Me! Me! Me!

Stella: Apparently, Lady Human has done or said something that now displeases her, that she now considers to be a mistake. I only have a bulldog’s brain, but I understand this every time she yells at herself.

Me: Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!

Stella: Why are you scolding yourself, Lady Human?

Me: Oh, you wouldn’t understand.

Stella: So now you are calling me stupid?

Me: No. Just stupid ole me.

Stella: Now hear this!

Me: Ow! That hurt my ears!

Stella: I have to be loud to get you to hear me! Don’t call yourself ‘stupid’! You listen to your own voice more than to any other. You are not stupid. A stupid person would not love bulldogs. A stupid human would not feed us and water us and play with us and talk to us. When you lie to yourself, calling yourself that word, you start to believe it and that is bad for you. And I love you and I don’t want anything bad for you. So SHUT UP!

Me: Stella, that was rude! And kind. Thank you.

Stella: Don’t mention it.

Me: I appreciate…

Stella: No, I mean it. Don’t mention it. SHUT UP. STOP TALKING. NAP TIME.

Dangerous Phrases – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 18, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans are the silliest creatures I know, sillier even than squirrels and that is saying a lot.

Me: Why are we silly now?

Stella: I heard what you said earlier.

Me: I said a lot of things earlier. Nobody listened.

Stella: You said one thing that everybody heard.

Me: Oh, yeah. But that was just gibberish.

Stella: Don’t call Bulldoggese gibberish!

Me: I said, “Wah! Wah! Waaahhh!” It was a joke.

Stella: And did you see what happened when you said it?

Me: Wiggles, Snoopey, and Miss Sweetie jumped to their feet. Do you mean…

Stella: They heard, “Get up!” So, they got up.

Me: But you, Doodlebug, and Tiger didn’t move. You didn’t bat an eye.

Stella: I batted an eye. I just didn’t get up. I didn’t want to.

Me: Bulldoggy.

Stella: Always.

Me: I didn’t know what I was saying. I was just making a funny noise.

Stella: Be careful of your funny noises, Lady Human. In Bulldoggese, you may be telling us to take over your human kingdom.

Me: But you wouldn’t try to do that, would you?

Stella: Mmmm.

Me: Stella?

Stella: Hmmm.

The Mystery of the Missing Chicken Foot – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on June 17, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and…

Miss Sweetie: Lady Human, my chicken’s foot is missing.

Stella: Sweetie, go through channels. You tell me and I tell Lady Human. I am the Queen.

Miss Sweetie: My chicken’s foot is missing.

Stella: Lady Human, as Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, I regret to inform you that a foot is missing from Miss Sweetie’s favorite chicken toy.

Miss Sweetie: She is not a toy. She is real. I carry her everywhere. Now she has a foot missing.

Me: Yeah, that’s terrible, Sweetie. When did you first notice that the foot was missing?

Miss Sweetie: When I noticed it was missing.

Me: Okaaayyy. Was that today?

Miss Sweetie: I noticed it was missing today and yesterday and the day before.

Me: Have you looked for it?

Miss Sweetie: No. Yes. No. Maybe.

Stella: We are talking about Sweetie, Lady Human. She takes life as it comes. I doubt that a search has been made.

Me: We will keep our eyes open.

Stella: Do we need a description?

Miss Sweetie: It looks like a chicken foot.

Me: We will just look around for an orange foot like the other one. Meanwhile, it is potty time. Sweetie, follow me.

Stella: Why don’t we get to go, too?

Me: You know why, Stella. Sweetie doesn’t pay attention to “business” when she is outside with others. Only when she is out by herself with me.

Stella: Okay, fine!

Snoopey: I know where the chicken’s foot went.

Stella: Why didn’t you tell Lady Human?

Snoopey: Sweetie ate it.

Stella: What?

Me: Okay, we’re back. Mystery solved.

Miss Sweetie: Oh,, Lady Human, I have another question.

Me: All right.

Miss Sweetie: Where is my chicken’s beak?

Happy 3rd Birthday, Tiger! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on June 14, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby declare today HAPPY TIGER BIRTHDAY!

Me: You mean that Tiger is happy?

Stella: No, Tiger is always serious. Except around Tall Man. And you sometimes, Lady Human.

Me: So, what you are really declaring is that today is Tiger’s Birthday. Happy Birthday, Tiger!

Tiger: Thank you!

Me: Special treat disbursement in honor of Tiger’s birthday!

Stella: Yea! Happy Birthday, Tiger!

Miss Sweetie: Yea! Happy Birthday!

Doodlebug: Yea! Happy Birthday!

Wiggles: Oh, boy! What is it called? Happy Burpday!

Me: Snoopey?

Snoopey: Okay, yeah, whatever.

Me: Snoopey, wish Tiger a happy birthday.

Snoopey: Why should I? She yells at me all the time. She prisses around and gives me the stink eye. Maybe I just don’t like her. Maybe I just don’t want to wish her a ‘happy’ birthday.

Stella: Are we having cake?

Me: No, just bulldog treats.

Stella: Wait, what? Are you taking some of our bulldog treats?

Me: No, you all are having treats. Not me.

Stella: Not even human cake?

Me: I’ve cut back on human cake. I don’t even necessarily have cake on my own birthday.

Stella: That’s sad, Lady Human. Not as sad as taking our treats, but still sad.

Me: There are lots of ways to celebrate birthdays. It doesn’t have to be with food.

Stella: Bite your tongue! But only if it tastes good.

Hey! Do You Want To Fight? – Conversation with Stella, Snoopey, and Tiger

Posted on June 12, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and…

Snoopey: GET OUT OF MY FACE!

Tiger: MAKE ME, LOUD MOUTH!

Stella: I AM STELLA, QUEEN OF THE OLDE ENGLISH BULLDOGGES, BUT THAT DOESN’T SEEM TO MATTER TO SOME! NOW DID ANYBODY HEAR THAT?

Snoopey: Tiger got in my face. She’s on my ground. If you are the queen, whatever that means, what are you going to do about it?

Tiger: Nothing! She’s not in charge! Do you want to fight? Let’s see who’s really In charge!

Snoopey: Whenever you’re ready, b…

Me: Hold on there! Back off! Tiger, in your crate! Snoopey, in your crate! NOW!

Stella: Good call, Lady Human. Neutral corners.

Me: All well and good for the moment, but how do we get past this?

Snoopey: Hey, Tiger! Do you want to fight? Well, do ya, punk?

Tiger: Come and get it!

Snoopey: I so would, but the crate is latched!

Tiger: Yeah, mine, too! Inconvenient.

Me: Everybody, calm down!

Snoopey: I will if she will!

Tiger: No, I will if she will!

Stella: I WILL IF THEY BOTH WILL! Why is it so hard to be queen?

Me: Why are we having this problem again?

Snoopey: Because Tiger is stupid?

Tiger: Because Snoopey is selfish?

Stella: Because low blood sugar! I’m hangry! Treats all around!

Snoopey: Okay, but me first!

Tiger: No, me!

Snoopey: Do you want to fight?

Me: Now I want to fight. Where are the treats? I need some, too!

No Double Dipping – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 10, 2017June 10, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am ticked off. Is that the correct term, Lady Human? Ticked off?

Me: If you mean that you are annoyed, angry, riled up, fuming…

Stella: That’s me!

Me: Is there a reason or…

Stella: Of course, there is a reason. There is always a reason. I am a reasonable bulldog.

Me: Do the words ‘reasonable’ and ‘bulldog’ go together?

Stella: YES! Why am I ticked off, you ask.

Me: I didn’t actually ask why? I just wondered if there were a reason or…

Stella: SILENCE, PEASANT!

Me: I beg your pardon!

Stella: Not yet! Why was Snoopey fed twice today? Why? Why? Why?

Me: Snoopey was not fed twice.

Stella: Yes, she was. She double dipped. That is not fair. It is not allowed.

Me: Snoopey was fed once. There was no double dipping, as you call it.

Stella: You took the huge plastic spoon…

Me: The scoop…

Stella: I said that. The huge plastic spoon and the food bucket around and we each got our food and then you went out and came back with more food and put it in Snoopey’s bowl.

Me: I ran out of food on the first go-round before Snoopey got fed. I had to get more out of the storage can. When I came back in, I put food in Snoopey’s bowl. Snoopey did not double dip. She got fed once.

Stella: It looked suspicious and unfair to me.

Me: You were napping during breakfast. I saw you peak a couple of times. You missed the part where I ran out of food.

Stella: NO DOUBLE DIPPING! NO DOUBLE DIPPING!

Me: Is this going to turn into another bulldog strike?

Stella: Not if you double dip me.

Where Are Your Food Bowls? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 9, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I…

Me: Where are your food bowls?

Stella: Lady Human, interrupting me while I am addressing my subjects? How RUDE!

Me: Where are your food bowls?

Stella: We rearranged a few things.

Me: Rearranged as in carried off? Have you hidden them?

Stella: We like them. They make excellent drums.

Me: I don’t want to have to go in search of them come breakfast time.

Stella: Sweetie likes to wear hers and sit in it and step in it. Doodlebug is a better drummer though.

Me: Yes. You are all very versatile. But I need them.

Stella: No, you don’t. I have seen the sloppy way you humans eat. Round bowls and flat bowls and small bowls and square bowls. You never even have the decency to put your faces down into them. You bring the food up to your mouths with those long metal stabbers and pointy silver pokers.

Me: I don’t need your bowls for me. I need your bowls for you all. Otherwise, breakfast tomorrow may be delayed.

Stella: Delayed?

Me: You don’t want me to pour it on the ground, do you?

Stella: Food delayed? Everybody, pull in the bowls! Wiggles! Where is your food bowl?

Wiggles: It was in my way. I moved it.

Stella: Get it! Doodlebug!

Doodlebug: Mine was empty so I didn’t need it anymore.

Stella: No, silly! You need it every day. Tiger?

Tiger: It’s around here somewhere. Why?

Stella: Breakfast tomorrow, that’s why. Snoopey?

Snoopey: I like to eat my food off the floor. It’s neater that way.

Stella: Aaagggh! Whatever! Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie: Yes?

Stella: All right, Sweetie, I can see where yours is.

Miss Sweetie: Where?

Stella: Really? You are sitting in it.

Miss Sweetie: No, I’m not.

Stella: I can see it under you.

Miss Sweetie: That’s my chair.

Stella: Bring all bowls forward! Now!

Snoopey: Where is yours?

Stella: Never you mind.

Snoopey: I think it’s under your toys. I think I can get it.

Stella: Don’t even try. Now who’s stupid for befriending the big purple dinosaur in my crate?

The Insane Babblings of Humans – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 7, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. People are difficult to understand on their best days, but now Lady Human has taken to using gibberish words that don’t fit with any language of dog-kind or humankind.

Me: Are you saying that you understand all words in all languages?

Stella: I know enough to recognize nonsense words when I hear them.

Me: Give me one example of a nonsense word that I have used.

Stella: One example? Try these on for size: dup, nop, buh, tssst…

Me: Well, I don’t know. Maybe. I may have made those noises.

Stella: If you would just get me one of those little boxes that I have been asking for, I could prove it.

Me: A cell phone? How about ‘no’?

Stella: So what does the word ‘dup’ mean?

Me: It’s sort of a cross between ‘nope’ and I don’t know what. I only use it when you all are going outside and then you decide to turn around and go on a bulldog reign of terror.

Stella: And saying ‘dup’ is supposed to stop us?

Me: It’s what I say when I don’t know what to say. If I say ‘stop’, nobody listens. If I yell ‘hey’, nobody listens. I would doubt your hearing except that you all hear every food can that opens and every vehicle that passes and you hear people at the door before they even knock.

Stella: Then what does ‘nop’ mean?

Me: It’s the double negative form of ‘dup’.

Stella: And ‘buh’ and ‘tssst’?

Me: Desperation words. When nothing works on y’all, random stuff just comes out of my mouth.

Stella: Well, ‘buh’ and ‘tssst’ to that! You make us sound like we’re bulldogs or something. So yay for us! Is ‘yay’ a real word?

Snoopey the Bulldog Stress Eater – Conversations with Stella and Snoopey

Posted on June 6, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges – calm, collected, cool Queen Stella. Snoopey, however…

Me: Very tense today.

Stella: And why not? All those machine noises all day long.

Me: With all the storms and rain lately, there has been a lot to clean up. Chain saws, mowers, tree mulchers…

Stella: All day long. And the big rumbly truck in the alley.

Me: Trash truck. That was today, too.

Stella: I don’t like the big rumbly truck. It always wakes me up from my 2^nd morning nap after my 1^st morning nap, the one that comes right before breakfast and my 3^rd morning nap.

Me: I’m glad for the trash truck. Otherwise, we would be hip deep in garbage in no time.

Stella: That’s because you don’t let us bulldogs eat the garbage. We could take care of it in no time.

Me: Nope. Remember Miss Sweetie and the Greasy Paper Towel Incident.

Stella: Oh, yeah. But Sweetie was young. She did not have my discriminating tastes.

Me: So today, every time there was a loud noise or big truck or machine, Snoopey barked and then dove into her leftover food.

Snoopey: Food is good. Food is every day. Food makes me feel normal.

Me: I have been a stress eater in my time as well.

Snoopey: Really, Lady Human? That makes me feel better. More normal.

Me: Stress eating is pretty common among humans. We have what we call ‘comfort foods’.

Snoopey: Like what?

Me: For my tastes – mmmm, tacos, pizza, potato chips, ice cream…

Snoopey: I will take all of those, please.

Me: I think that you had better stick with your regular food and treats.

Stella: Mmmm, treats. I’ll have two, please.

Me: Later, Stella.

Stella: Awwww.

Me: Even if you eat when you are stressed, Snoopey, you are still only eating your recommended daily food allowance. You are not overeating. I just wish that you would trust me when I tell you that everything is all right. When you hear loud noises, there is nothing to fear.

Snoopey: That is hard.

Me: For humans, too.

Stella: Uhhh, somebody mentioned treats. I am standing here. Waiting. Patiently. No stress eating here. Just eating. Okay?

Go, Rolling Box, Go! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 4, 2017June 4, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As all people and bulldogs know, a queen must have a fine coach in which to ride so she can survey her realm and wave to the crowds.

Me: Crowds?

Stella: My subjects.

Me: Look around. Your crowd is right here.

Stella: Lady Human, if the Rolling Box won’t roll, how can I find the rest of my crowd. What is wrong with it? Why won’t it mind you?

Me: Cars don’t always mind. A battery cable snapped and it won’t start. Tall Man is working on it.

Stella: Tell him to work faster.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Tell him my subjects are waiting and, if I don’t come by soon, the crowds will drift off.

Me: Stella, there are no crowds waiting.

Stella: Yes, there are. I see them every time we roll around in the Box. They are everywhere. The Rolling Box must be fixed.

Me: It will be, but Tall Man takes his time and does these jobs the right way.

Stella: I can’t be a good queen without a royal coach.

Me: Well then, you’ll just have to be a mediocre queen until tomorrow because the car is probably not going to be fixed until after your bedtime.

Stella: Take me to one of those places we pass all the time, where all the pretty Rolling Boxes are waiting to be adopted into new forever homes. I wish to select a new royal carriage that will always start. You will buy me one.

Me: Nope.

Stella: It will be for me alone. None of the other bulldogs will be allowed to ride in it. It will have a big backseat, bulldog-sized, and… wait. What do you mean ‘Nope’? You say that as though you will not buy me a Rolling Box.

Me: The purchase of a new Rolling Box as you call it is a big decision for humans to make.

Stella: That’s all right, Lady Human. I will take the burden of the decision off your human shoulders and place it on my wide bulldog shoulders. There! Done! New Rolling Box, here we come!

Me: We’ll see. To be continued…

Stella: Nope. The Queen hath spoken.

Curfew Violator – Conversations with Stella

Posted on June 2, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and once again, Lady Human has broken her curfew.

Me: I am a grown human. I have no curfew. Besides, I went to the grocery store at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Stella: And you said when you left that you would not be gone long. But you were gone long. And do you know what happened while you were gone? Big booms and light flashes in the sky. And rain hit the glass squares in the wall like buckets of water being thrown by a giant.

Me: That’s an interesting image, Stella.

Stella: A giant insect.

Me: Ohhh-kay. Well, the same storm hit the store where I was. That is why I was delayed. The wind blew the heavy rain sideways, so thick and fast that we couldn’t see the parking lot. It was wrapped in gray. It looked like a hurricane.

Stella: What would have happened if you had never come back?

Me: Don’t worry, girl. Tall Man would have been here after his work ends.

Stella: There was no storm where Tall Man is?

Me: Yes, there was.

Stella: It was not as bad as our storm?

Me: A little worse. They had wind and rain and hail the size of ping pong balls.

Stella: No!!! The Great Creator must tell the sky to stop throwing ping pong balls!

Me: I am adding that to my prayer list. Really.

Stella: Why does the sky throw ping pong balls?

Me: They are actually chunks of ice. You see, water starts to come down through the atmosphere. Way up there, it is very cold and the water freezes; then another wind pushes the ice back up where it gets coated with another layer of water which also freezes, and that keeps on happening until the ice chunk is heavier than the upper wind can support and it falls to the ground…

Stella: Boring! I mean why can’t the sky throw flowers or real ping pong balls that we could chase or…treats! That would be useful and it wouldn’t hurt if someone got hit by them!

Me: Things aren’t set up that way. Flowers don’t fall from the sky. They grow from the ground.

Stella: I think that should be different. I think ping pong ice should not fall from the sky. Flowers should.

Me: Is that your bulldog plan?

Stella: Yes.

Me: Have you figured out how this will take place?

Stella: No. I am letting you and the Great Creator work that out.

Me: That is wise. I think that I will turn that over to Him. He is much better at planning how the earth works than I am.

Stella: Probably a good idea, Lady Human. I have seen how you plan things.

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