Olde English Bulldogge – Page 3

Snorting is a Serious Matter – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 26, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, and if anyone should know about bulldog snorting, it should be me. My snorting is loud and impressive, evidence of my good bulldog breeding. Since the windy, branch-shaking day though, Lady Human has been imitating me and badly, all to make fun of me. I don’t like that. It’s not funny. It makes me mad. Stop it, Lady Human, stop it now!

Me: Ah-choo!

Stella: You did it again! No respect!

Me: Ah-choo! I can’t stop.

Stella: Of course, you can stop. You’ve never behaved this way before and I have known you for almost 2 days.

Me: Ah…almost…2…years…choo!

Stella: I don’t sound like that! My snorts are serious.

Me: I am not mimicking you, honey. There is some allergen in the air. It blew in on Sunday and I’ve been breathing it in. I’ve been sneezing ever since.

Stella: Stop breathing in.

Me: I can’t stop breathing, Stella. Not a good idea.

Stella: Oh. Yeah. Never mind. Then wear one of Tall Man’s giant insect masks.

Me: If it weren’t so bulky, that might be a good idea. Do you believe me now that I am not trying to make fun of you?

Stella: Yes. I am sorry that I doubted you, Lady Human. It’s just that with so many people making fun of bulldogs, it is hard to maintain any semblance of dignity.

Me: Dignity is important to y’all, isn’t it?

Stella: Of course. Isn’t it important to humans?

Me: Yes.

Stella: I have heard that some humans call us ‘the clowns of the dog world’. Others are afraid of us because of our size, our faces, our upside-down vampire teeth.

Me: Like the lady at the feed store was afraid.

Stella: Yes. I did not understand that. Everyone else has always given me a chance.

Me: She ended up giving you a chance and you came through shining like a star. And don’t be concerned if people laugh at you, Stella. Be concerned when you forget how to laugh back.

Stella: Lady Human?

Me: Hmmm?

Stella: Hahahahaha! You sound so funny when you snort! A-choo! A-choo! Do it again!

Queen Stella’s Secret Instructions – Stella’s Blog

Posted on January 24, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hear ye! Hear ye! I, Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, command the bulldogs to attend to my words. These instructions are for bulldogs only and shall not be shared outside the confines of my palace. In other words, this is a secret. Don’t tell the humans because it is about them.

Transcriptionist: Don’t you think it is a bad idea to have a human transcribe your secret instructions that you are trying to keep from the humans?

Stella: What’s your point?

Transcriptionist: How can your secret instructions be kept secret if you are having an outsider type them for you?

Stella: Hmmm. That is…what was that word you taught me? Ah, a quandary. None of the bulldogs know how to type. I will have to type the words myself. Give me your black typing box.

Transcriptionist: I beg your pardon.

Stella: Granted. Now give me your black typing box.

Transcriptionist: Nope.

Stella: Oh, you are waiting for me to use that ‘magic’ word. Very well. Give it to me NOW! Is that better?

Transcriptionist: Nope.

Stella: Oh, all right! Here they are. Don’t tell anyone except a bulldog!

The quickest way to a human’s sympathies is a hang dog look. Look pitiful especially if you have done something wrong and you know it. Most humans are very forgiving creatures and they can’t stand to see us look sad.

If you don’t want to follow a human’s command, tilt your head to one side like you don’t understand even if you do. They think that is adorable and will usually let you off the hook so you can go on doing whatever it is that you were doing.

Now this next one is so super-secret that it must be put into bulldoggese. Deeknsoingnoindooorgonieing raharuh mwaahhh. And that’s it. Plain as the nose on my face.

Transcriptionist: You make me feel special, Stella, like the member of a bulldog club.

Stella: I’m glad you feel that you belong to us, Lady Human. There are other secret instructions, but they must wait until I meet a bulldog who can type, one with her very own black typing box. I had no idea that humans were so clingy to their stuff. Be more like bulldogs, Lady. Learn to share.

Bulldog Etiquette – How to Treat Cats – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on January 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Me: I am calling this meeting…

Stella: Wait! No! I am the Olde English Bulldogge Queen. I call all pack meetings.

Me: All right.

Stella: Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm.

Me: And…

Stella: What?

Me: Are you going to call the meeting?

Stella: What meeting?

Me: This meeting is to tell you all how you need to behave around the cat. Our cat. Any cat. Anywhere. Anytime.

Wiggles: Like right now?

Me: Yes.

Wiggles: Like when the sun comes up?

Me: Yes, Wiggles. In the morning, too.

Wiggles: And the next sun rising?

Me: Yes, Wiggles.

Wiggles: And the next…

Stella: Hush, Wiggles! Do you see where this is going, Lady Human? Nowhere! And the meeting hasn’t been called yet, Wiggles. Why are we even having a meeting?

Me: Because of an incident the other day between you and Moon the cat.

Stella: Oh. That. No meeting today. Everybody go about your business.

Me: Here are the rules:

No sitting on the cat. No staring at the cat. No chasing the cat. No insulting the cat. No drooling on the cat. No jumping on the cat’s bed. No licking on the cat unless she says it’s all right which she won’t.

Stella: Aw, Lady Human, not fair. The cat has beds all over the place, even places that aren’t cat beds.

Snoopey: I do none of those things. The cat and I are on excellent terms. And as pack leader, I should be the one to call pack meetings.

Stella: Queens outrank pack leaders.

Snoopey: Nonsense.

Tiger: I am the one who is really in charge of this pack.

Snoopey & Stella: NO, YOU AREN’T!

Me: They are right, Tiger. I am the one who is really in charge of this pack.

Stella: Where is that written down?

Me: Genesis.

Stella: Have I read that?

Me: If you doubt me, ask the Great Creator.

Stella: Oh. Okay. Never mind. I’ll do that later.

Me: Does everyone understand the rules?

Stella: Pretty negative rules, if you ask me.

Miss Sweetie: Can we do nice things for the cat?

Stella: Like what, Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie: If we find a dead rat, can we bring it to her? That would be a nice thing.

Stella: No, I’d leave that alone.

Doodlebug: What about sticks? Sticks make great gifts.

Stella: Save your sticks for yourself, boy. They will be wasted on Moon. The ways of cats are beyond mysterious. That’s why I like to chase them – for research. Meeting adjourned.

Cat Sitting – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 19, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Me: Stella, this morning, I was in the kitchen, calmly, methodically preparing my breakfast, when what to my wondering ears should sound but the excited, LOUD barking of bulldogs and an extremely annoyed feline cry from our cat, Moon.

Stella: Yes, it was very exciting. And annoying. I don’t know why the cat was upset.

Me: Perhaps because you were up on the couch…

Stella: Yes.

Me: On Moon’s cat bed…

Stella: Yes.

Me: SITTING ON HER!

Stella: Please define ‘sitting on’.

Me: Stella, your rear end was wedged up against her in the corner of the couch.

Stella: That was not ‘sitting on’. That was sharing. We were sharing her cat bed. It has limited space so I had to squish into it which meant I had to squish into her.

Me: Sitting or squishy sharing, Moon was not happy. Did she invite you to share her bed?

Stella: Please define ‘invite’.

Me: Did you get scratched?

Stella: No. She tried, but all she could reach was my big ole bulldog behind and she couldn’t get through my thick bulldog hair.

Me: Amazing.

Stella: Yes, I am. I still don’t understand why she was upset.

Me: You invaded her personal space.

Stella: But I didn’t drool on her.

Me: But you leaned on her.

Stella: But I didn’t try to chew on her.

Me: But your big bulldog body had her trapped.

Stella: Yes. That was funny.

Me: Not to her. Moon is an incredibly patient, tolerant cat to put up with all the bulldog nonsense that goes on around here.

Stella: Which is really human nonsense, remember. The humans are in charge.

Me: And another thing. The others just go up to her and touch noses or give her a sidelong glance and walk on. You seem to be the only one that moves in like a linebacker and tackles her if she doesn’t jump away in time.

Stella: Was that a football reference, Lady Human? I love football.

Me: We’re drifting off topic. My question is why are you the only bulldog who tries to make contact with the cat?

Stella: Well, somebody has to get her to exercise.

Why Am I Peeing in the Rain? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 18, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Me: Why are we talking about bathroom issues again, Stella?

Stella: Do you pee in the rain?

Me: No, well, I’m not going to say never. I have been camping in the wilderness before, but…

Stella: Well, I have for the last three days. So have we all, we bulldogs that is. If you get to pee inside when it rains, so should we.

Me: The logistics are a little difficult.

Stella: Logistics? Is that a word that means ‘peeing in the rain’? Because we want an indoor toilet. Humans understand these things. I know. I heard that man singing on the Picture Box about peeing in the rain.

Me: Wait! When was that?

Stella: That old singing movie you watch all the time on the Picture Box. He dances and sings about peeing.

Me: No. No. No. No. He’s not ‘peeing in the rain’. He’s singing in the rain. Do you need your ears cleaned?

Stella: Oh, that makes more sense because he seems happy and I am never happy and I never dance when I pee in the rain. I thought it was odd that you kept watching a movie about peeing in the rain when I never see humans do that.

Me: I am sorry about the continued rain. It is supposed to start drying out tomorrow. Honestly, an indoor toilet for the bulldogs is not an option.

Stella: Then somebody needs to tell Wiggles. She thinks the whole indoor/outdoor thing is a personal choice.

Queen Stella’s Wise Sayings – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 16, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby share with everyone my Wise Sayings. No one has ever written down wise sayings before so I am unique.

Me: There have been quite a few humans who have written down wise sayings. For example, King Solomon recorded Proverbs…

Stella: My sayings are wiser.

Me: Forgive my doubts. Proverbs is in the Bible. I’ll stick with that.

Stella: Now hear this! Wise saying #1: Ankles are the wrists of the legs.

Me: Okay, well, I guess so.

Stella: Wise saying #2: Never touch fire. It is hot.

Me: That is more of a safety tip.

Stella: But a wise one. Wise saying #3: Letting a squirrel guard your nut trees is like letting a robber guard a human bank. In the end, your trees will end up nut-less. The way ours did.

How many kinds of nuts do humans keep in banks?

Me: We don’t keep nuts in banks.

Stella: Oh, that’s where you keep our treats before they go to the stores.

Me: Nope. We keep money in banks.

Stella: Money? What a waste! You can’t eat money. Oh, that’s wise saying #4: You can’t eat money.

You see how wise my sayings are?

Me: Yes, and practical. Without you, I would never have known that I can’t eat money.

Stella: Bulldogs are wise, Lady Human. You should listen to us more often.

Stella’s New List of Offenders : Did You Think I Would Forget? – Stella’s Blog

Posted on January 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, even the ones who are not Illustrious or Noble, hereby post my latest List of Offenders. It has been quite a while since I listed offenders, not because there have been no offenders. There have been plenty. I have a lot of catching up to do.

In order of offensiveness,

Offender #1: Miss Sweetie – She is still a teenager and, as such, does not know how to control her barking. She believes that she must comment on everything, no matter how unimportant. I think that she loves the sound of her own voice. I do not.

Transcriptionist: Stella, that’s mean! I thought you loved Sweetie.

Stella: Of course, I love her. That’s beside the point. She talks too much. So do you, Transcriptionist. Silence!

Transcriptionist: I know who I would elect as Offender #1 and it’s not Miss Sweetie.

Stella: Offender #2 – Lady Human who, although she is a human, does not know what the word ‘Silence’ means.

Transcriptionist: Oh, I know what it means. I don’t acknowledge the right of a bulldog to use it to me.

Stella: Wrong again, Lady Human. Not just any bulldog. A bulldog queen. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Offender #3 – Snoopey. Whiney, whiney, whiney. ‘Where is this? Where is that? I’m bored. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I’m not hungry. I have gas.’ On and on and on. Hey, you get to sleep in Lady Human’s bed at night. How cool is that? What is that you are doing now? Facing the wall and pouting? Pout away. See my paws over my ears. Not listening…

Moving along. Offender #4 – Jerky McSquirrelyFace.

Transcriptionist: So your arch nemesis is worthy of a mention on the List?

Stella: No! But he is still an offender though I refuse to honor him with his own list.

Transcriptionist: And what has he done to earn his place on the List?

Stella: What hasn’t he done? You know, don’t you, that he uses the toilet in our yard? OUR YARD. That is our toilet and no one else’s. And then there’s all that tail flicking. Enough! The queen is tired. The List of Offenders could go on and on.

Transcriptionist: Would your name end up on there eventually?

Stella: Of course. Mine is the most important name on any list. I learned that from watching humans.

You Call That a Crown? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 12, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, supposedly Illustrious, supposedly Noble, have been humiliated.

Me: I’m sorry, Stella. I truly am. I thought it was funny and you would like it.

Stella: What is that monstrous thing that you put on my head?

Me: A lady at a big pet supply store gave it to me around Christmas time. It was part of a promotion they were running.

Stella: What you mean is that they were trying to make money from making dogs look stupid.

Me: They just want people to have fun with their pets. It was too small for your big bulldoggy head. I had to sew an elastic extension so it would fit…

Stella: Excuses! Excuses! ‘There is no crown, Stella, but look, I brought you a weird, stupid fuzzy thing to wear on your head and I even had to spend time sewing on it. Hahaha! Merry Christmas! And it’s not even Christmas time anymore.’

Me: All right, I get it. It wasn’t funny to you. Wiggles liked it. She tried to steal it this afternoon.

Stella: Yeah, Wiggles would. Well, no matter what Wiggles’ tastes in headgear are, I think it stinks and not in that good smelly way that dogs enjoy. And now I am going to have to wipe my face with my paws to get rid of the memory of that fuzzy thing being on my royal head.

Me: I am sorry, Stella. No more weird fuzzy things on your head. I promise. And I will still come up with a crown for you.

Stella: Yes, regarding crowns, I have a list of No’s: No fuzz! No pink – it is fine for crowns on little human girls, but not bulldog queens. No long dangly things unless they are legitimate chew sticks. No chin straps…

Me: But how are we going to keep it on without…

Stella: NO CHIN STRAPS! MY CROWN, MY RULES!

Me: You need a nap.

Stella: I wouldn’t need one if SOMEONE I know had not tried to make me wear a fuzzy pointy thing on my head. Now, good evening. I’m going to take a nap.

I Don’t Get No Respect – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 11, 2017January 11, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges, but I don’t get no respect. No respect at all.

Me: You mean you don’t get any respect.

Stella: See! Even you know it.

Me: Why do you think you aren’t respected?

Stella: Look at the top of my head. Vacant! Do you see a crown, Lady Human? I will answer that. NO! No crown! A crown-less queen!

Me: Okay, well…

Stella: Another thing. I saw Jerky the Squirrel in the yard today.

Me: That’s not unusual. He is normally around. The only time he leaves our place is when he runs to somebody else’s place to hunt pecans and acorns there. He and his friends have pretty much cleaned us over. The pickin’s are lean.

Stella: Jerky McSquirrelyFace searching for a few stray acorns was not the problem. Guess where he was.

Me: In the backyard. I saw him.

Stella: Where in the backyard, Lady Human?

Me: Under the red oak tree.

Stella: UNDER the red oak tree! Not on the red oak tree. Not up in the branches of the red oak tree. On the ground! Of all the nerve! There we were, human and bulldogs, and he didn’t even have the decency to jump on a tree trunk. He didn’t even have the decency to pretend that he was afraid of us. No respect! I warned you, didn’t I? He has been taunting us since summer.

He doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter and Cat Catcher.

Me: You don’t have to worry about flying since he’s running on the ground.

Stella: He still jumps on tree trunks and branches and fences. He is such a little cheater.

Me: Jerky is a wild animal. He is pretty much going where he wants to. Put yourself in his place. He must be able to retreat.

Stella: What about us? Where can we go to get away from him?

Me: Inside the house. He’s not allowed in there.

Stella: No, he isn’t, is he? The house is still my kingdom. My ever-shrinking kingdom. Lady Human, we need a bigger house.

Me: Uh…

Stella: A great big house with lots of rooms where no squirrels will ever be allowed.

Me: Well, no squirrels will ever be allowed in our medium-sized house so…

Stella: And the great big house will be my squirrel-less kingdom.

Me: How about I work harder on getting you that crown you’ve been wanting?

Stella: Okay. Fair trade.

Keep Your Old Stuff to Yourself – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 9, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen, Olde English Bulldogge, and many other interesting things. Hello! Lady Human has been working on a string sweater for me, but it has been going slowly.

Me: Crochet, not string. And yes, it is going slowly. I am trying to make sure that it doesn’t come undone. But I have an interim solution.

Stella: Is an interim solution the same thing as a sweater?

Me: It means I have something that you can use in the meantime. I just have to put in some stitch work here and there and this old crocheted scarf can fit your bulldog neck as a cowl. It will cover your neck, chest, and shoulders…

Stella: Whoa, Lady Human! Hold up there, horsey!

Me: Okay.

Stella: Did you say ‘old crocheted scarf’?

Me: Yes.

Stella: How old?

Me: I made it for one of my girls when she was in college. It has her school colors. But it wasn’t great. I made it in haste and I wasn’t very practiced, so when she graduated, I got it back. I was going to rework it, but it has been sitting around untouched for a couple of years now.

Stella: You have had it since before we came?

Me: Yes.

Stella: So, what is really happening is that you are giving me a hand-me-down. A HAND-ME-DOWN! It belonged to someone else. A HUMAN, no less! And she didn’t want it, so give it to poor ole Stella. She’ll take it. She won’t care. She’s a dog. She’ll take anything. Poor old Stella. A crown-less queen with a hand-me-down shawl in… what colors?

Me: Maroon and white.

Stella: Maroo?

Me: Maroon. It’s a very dark red.

Stella: Yuck.

Me: Oh, Stella. It’s just a stopgap until your cape or shawl or sweater or whatever it ends up being is ready. But if you don’t want the scarf, I suppose I can fix it for Snoopey. She always acts so grateful. When she got her new collar last month, I thought she was going to dance for joy…

Stella: All right, Lady. The human guilt trip worked. Thank you for the scarf. It will help on the very cold days. Thankfully, there may not be many more of those. Can I wear it out only when no one else is around? I mean, as queen, I set the bulldog fashion for the neighborhood. I don’t want to waste anything. What is that human saying that you use about waste?

Me: Waste not, want not.

Stella: Yes. The hand-me-down scarf I will waste not, but I want not. Why couldn’t your girl have gone to a school with better school colors?

The Sky Made Ice Cream! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 6, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, on a most Illustrious Day. It is Sky Ice Cream Day! Ice cream for everyone. All you have to do is lick it up off the ground or off the bushes or off anything outside. It tastes a little plain, but that’s all right.

Me: Yes, it snowed today. It has not snowed here since the day before you came to us, Stella.

Stella: Isn’t it great? Will we have Sky Ice Cream every day?

Me: No.

Stella: Are you sure?

Me: Pretty sure.

Stella: How do you know things before they happen, Lady Human?

Me: Weather satellites way up there, for one. And many winters spent here in this part of the world. Snow is rare.

Stella: Is that why you bring ice cream home from the store?

Me: Well, no. The one doesn’t really have to do with the other.

Stella: So, the sky is where the store gets its ice cream?

Me: No, they aren’t connected.

Stella: So, will the sky ever give us peppermint ice cream? Because I really like peppermint.

Me: Don’t hold your breath.

Stella: Oh, I never hold my breath. Bulldog, remember? Breathing is very important. Without breathing, you can’t eat ice cream.

Are You Turning Into a Cat? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 5, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella. I am a queen. I am an Olde English Bulldogge. At least I know what I am. Lady Human, on the other hand, is acting weird.

Me: Weird how? I’m not acting weird. I’m just being me.

Stella: Why are you playing with string?

Me: String? No, this is yarn. I am crocheting.

Stella: It looks like string. You know who plays with string, don’t you? CATS! That’s who!

Me: Well, this is crocheting and I am not a cat.

Stella: Cat is as cat does.

Me: Stella, humans don’t just turn into cats. Or dogs. This is crocheting. It is a human activity.

Stella: Looks suspiciously like cat string play to me.

Me: I was planning on making you a sweater. Does that sound like something a cat would do?

Stella: Yes, a sneaky cat trying to tangle me up in a string ball.

Me: I’m no cat and I am not trying to tangle you up in anything. I thought you might like a sweater for this cold weather.

Stella: A sweater. That would be nice. Are you making one for yourself? We could be twins.

Me: No, I have sweaters.

Stella: What about one for Tall Man? We don’t want him to get cold.

Me: No, not for Tall Man. Truthfully, my crocheting is not quite good enough for human tastes yet.

Stella: Wait! Are you making a goofy sweater out of string to put on me? Am I an… what is that human word? An experiment? Am I an experiment? NOOOO!

Me: If it doesn’t turn out or if it doesn’t fit, you don’t have to wear it.

Stella: Promise?

Me: Promise.

Stella: All right. Deal. So long as you don’t keep taking up cat habits. And if you can make a sweater out of string, can you, maybe, when you have time…can you make me a crown?

Stella’s New Year’s Resolutions – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 4, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby declare my resolutions for the New Year called 2017 by the humans. Before I begin, what is a resolution?

Me: It’s a decision that you make to do some particular thing, such as to lose a certain amount of weight or to stop smoking or to exercise regularly. People use resolutions to state their intention to break an old bad habit or start a new good habit.

Stella: So it is just humans thinking wishfully.

Me: Well, more like humans thinking hopefully.

Stella: I am glad I asked. It sounds like a waste of time.

Me: People do it when they want to make a positive change.

Stella: Bulldogs don’t sit around saying what they would like to change. They just do it. If a low branch is in my way, I don’t say, ‘Oh, I will work to move that branch out of my way.’ No! I take that silly branch in my teeth and shake it this way and that and snap! No branch in my way no more. No resolutions. Just bulldog action.

Me: Some changes take a process.

Stella: Bulldog process – grab it, shake it, snap it, done. Wait! I know some New Year’s Resolutions I can make. I resolve that Snoopey will stop making her whiny little noises. And I resolve that all the treats in the house should be offered to me first. And I resolve that Tiger will stop interrupting my naps with her snorting. And I resolve…

Me: Actually, it doesn’t work that way. You resolve what you will do. You can’t resolve what someone else will do. They each must do that themselves. Believe me, I tried to set a goal last year that involved some other people and all I could do was carry out my part.

Stella: You should have told me you were having that problem, Lady Human. As Queen, I could have ordered them to cooperate.

Me: Stella, you are queen of some bulldogs and you can’t get them to cooperate. What hope do you have of getting humans to do what you want?

Stella: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

Me: Whoa! What’s that? What do you want?

Stella: That was me Loud Barking. It works all the time on humans. See how quickly it worked on you?

Bed Jumping – Pros & Cons- Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 2, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges (which makes me Illustrious as well). Happy Calendar Change or, as the humans keep saying, Happy New Year!

I am weighing the benefits of accepting Lady Human’s invitation to jump on her bed.

Me: Well, not just to jump on the bed. I thought you could share it sometimes. Not you and Snoopey at the same time. It is a twin bed so there’s not enough space for 79.4 lb. Snoopey and 51 lb. you and how ever much I weigh me.

Stella: How much do you weigh?

Me: Next subject, please.

Stella: Okay. Reason for jumping on your bed #1 – I get to spend more time with you.

Me: That’s sweet, Stella.

Stella: Reason for not jumping on your bed #1 – Stinky, perfumey room.

Me: Well, you can’t have everything.

Stella: Reason for jumping on your bed #2 – I get to spend more time with you.

Me: I like that reason.

Stella: Reason for not jumping on your bed #2 – I would have to leave my crate and bed unguarded. I worry about what might happen to Mr. Long Blue Squishy Hound, Mr. Rhinoceros, Mr. Christmas Tree Puppy, Mr. Yellow Chicken, Mr. Green Gator…

Me: I get the idea.

Stella: I haven’t finished the list of my stuffies yet.

Me: Yes, you have. We understand. Bed. Stuffies. Worried.

Stella: That’s it! I can’t leave them, Lady Human! Who will take care of them if they have a nightmare in the dark? What if Miss Sweetie tries to make off with them into the outside world? No, I appreciate the invitation. I will take you up on it during the day, but my stuffies need me at night, so no bed jumping then. Snoopey will have your whole bed to herself.

Me: She usually does.

Why Do Humans Shoot Fire at the Sky? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 31, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges, still crown-less, but that is not my problem tonight. Tonight, the humans are once again shooting loud, bright fireballs into the sky. Lady Human, what if you blow up the sky? I would not like that.

Me: No one would. But that won’t happen. Fireworks will not blow up the whole sky. Stop worrying.

Stella: I am always worried when humans are involved, especially when they are shooting fire. Why do humans do these things?

Me: There is another celebration tonight. It is the end of the western calendar year, New Year’s Eve.

Stella: I see. What is a calendar?

Me: It is one way that humans use to calculate time.

Stella: So tonight, time ends.

Me: No, the calculation switches over to a new calendar year and a new month.

Stella: I see. No, I don’t.

Me: Let’s just say, humans will use any excuse for a party.

Stella: So you promise that the sky will not go away tonight.

Me: I promise. Of course, I am only a human. I am more willing to rely on God that the sky will still be here come sunrise. I am also willing to rely on Him for the sunrise.

Stella: And He shot the sun into the sky so He knows a whole lot more about shooting fire into the sky than any silly old humans do! Thank you, Lady Human! What a relief! Humans aren’t in charge! Happy Calendar Change!

Human Barking – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on December 29, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am in charge here. Whatever that horrible noise is, stop it now!

Snoopey: It sounds like a fake bulldog.

Stella: It must stop! Now everybody is barking at it! Agghh! Now Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie are barking at each other! Wiggles! What are you barking at?

Wiggles: Everybody else is barking. So…me, too!

Stella: What started this?

Me: It must have been me. I was gargling.

Stella: Why would you do such a horrible thing? What is gargling and how can it be stopped?

Me: It’s like juggling water in the back of my throat. It may help me get my whole voice back sooner.

Stella: Wait! You found your voice? Was it in the back yard as I thought? Anyway, can you juggle the water in your throat someplace where it won’t bother the bulldogs? You heard the eruption.

Me: Maybe. Maybe not. I think they will hear me anywhere in the house.

Stella: Gargling must be human barking.

Me: I don’t think so. I think human barking would be…well, barking. Or yelling. Gargling may not have a dog correlation.

Stella: Dog correlation? You are being confusing again, Lady Human. Is that another horrible noise that we will be forced to bark at?

Me: Are you ever really forced to bark at anything? Isn’t barking something that you choose to do?

Stella: Are you ever really forced to gargle, Lady Human? Isn’t gargling something that you choose to do?

Me: But I don’t gargle every day. And I don’t yell every day. I don’t even bark every day.

Stella: To each his own. Wait again! What is that?

Me: Sirens.

Stella: Very well, Pack. Barking may commence.

Tiger: (barking)

Snoopey: (barking)

Wiggles: (barking)

Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie: (barking at each other)

Stella: You may recommence your gargling noise, Lady Human. It makes no difference now.

Quiet! Don’t Speak! I’ll Do the Talking – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 26, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen and Illustrious Old English Bulldogge, and I demand to know what you were up to for most of the day, Lady Human. You were not responding to our beck and call. What is beck anyway?

Me: I was resting.

Stella: Why are you whispering?

Me: I have laryngitis.

Stella: Really? May I have some?

Me: Laryngitis means my vocal chords are inflamed and I have lost my voice.

Stella: Inflamed! Who set them on fire? Let me at ‘em! I’ll teach them not to set things that are not theirs on fire! Where did you lose your voice? Was it in the back yard? I can organize the bulldogs into a search party. Point us in the right direction and we will find your voice for you. Of course, I will have to make clear that no one is to eat it if they find it. You know how bulldogs are.

Me: Yes. As in Miss Sweetie eating the paper towel.

Stella: Sweetie is too young to have good taste yet. At least her stomach had the good sense to throw it up.

Me: I’ll need your help until my voice comes back.

Stella: Your quiet, indoor voice whispering will be fine. You know how obedient we are…Right? Lady Human?…Oh, I understand. You are being quiet because your voice is still lost out there in the yard. Never fear. I will use my royal voice on your behalf.

Me: Okay, first things first. No cat chasing.

Stella: I beg your pardon.

Me: You have it since you are the main cat chaser.

Stella: I’m sorry. I couldn’t quite hear that.

Me: You heard me, Stella.

Stella: No. You are speaking so quietly.

Me: Then let me repeat myself.

Stella: Please don’t.

Me: No cat chasing. That stirs everyone up and is not helpful to me at all.

Stella: Cat chasing is a tradition among my people. You would not interfere with a cultural tradition, would you? Of course not.

Me: Stella!

Stella: Wow! Your whispers can be very loud.

Stella’s Night Before Christmas – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on December 24, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Old English Bulldogges, and poet.

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, every bulldog was stirring because someone smelled a mouse.

Tiger: It was a rat! They smell different from mice.

Stella: Show off!

Snoopey: It’s not in the house. It’s in the outside world.

Tiger: Why can I smell it so strongly then?

Snoopey: It stinks! And as much as I hate to admit it, you have a good nose. As do I! Don’t get any ideas about becoming pack leader!

Stella: Stop! Enough politics!

Miss Sweetie: We should all bark at it. We should all bark at everything.

Stella: Sweetie, that’s your only solution for anything. Now everybody settle down. I am trying to write a Christmas poem for Lady Human and Tall Man.

The humans are nestled all snug in their beds while vast herds of bulldogs romp through their heads.

Wiggles: Bulldogs romping. Haha! I want to romp.

Snoopey: In humans’ heads? That sounds painful. No, take that line out.

Stella: My poem! My words!

When out on the patio, there arose such a loud clatter that I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Well, not ‘sprang’, not really. More like I sat up gradually and looked around.

Tiger: It’s that rat! I told you.

Snoopey: Wait! It’s not that fat, bearded man in the furry suit, is it?

Wiggles: The humans on the Picture Box said that he would come down the chimney. I don’t want anybody coming down the chimney. Especially a fat human. He might get stuck.

Stella: We don’t let regular strangers in the house. Why would we allow a stranger to come down the chimney? Oh, great! This Christmas thing isn’t fun. Now we’re going to have to sit up all night on guard to make sure the furry red suit guy doesn’t invade the house by way of the chimney.

Tiger: I’ll take first watch.

Snoopey: You will not! I will!

Stella: Doodlebug, you take third watch. Doodlebug? Doodlebug!

Wiggles: Doodlebug fell asleep. He is dreaming his Christmas vision of bulldogs romping through his head.

Stella: Okay, I’ll finish the poem later. Let’s try a song.

Bulldogs guarding by an open fire. Jack Frost nowhere to be found. Yuletide carols being sung by a…

What are ‘Yuletide carols’? And how does that fat, bearded guy in the furry red suit come down the chimney when there is a fire burning in the fireplace. Never mind. We need to do more research on Christmas before we can help the humans celebrate.

Wiggles: I know the best way to celebrate with the humans. My big wet tongue is ready for their salty faces. Merry Christmas, bulldogs!

Holiday Indigestion – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 22, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Crown-less Queen Stella, but queen nonetheless. Once upon a time, about 10 minutes ago, I told Wiggles to shut up. And yes, I used the words, ‘Shut up!’ She was whining for no reason. It was very annoying. After about 5 tries, she stopped. Now I have indigestion.

Me: You shouldn’t allow yourself to get so upset over little things like Wiggles’ whining.

Stella: So say you who let silly humans upset you with their silly cars.

Me: All right. I admit it. But still, Wiggles is your half-sister. Why do you let her upset you so much?

Stella: I care how my sisters act. I care when they act up. It reflects badly on my whole bulldog family.

Me: I understand.

Stella: You do? Do you have sisters who act up and embarrass your family?

Me: No, I don’t have any siblings. I am what humans call an ‘only child’. Other people embarrass me. Occasionally, I embarrass me.

Stella: No siblings. That means no sisters or brothers, right? That is so cool. You were a litter of one? I can only imagine how wonderful that must have been.

Me: Not really. There are times that I wish that I had that experience.

Stella: No, you don’t. There are times that I dream of having no siblings. Snoopey and Wiggles are the only ones I still see. The others have spread out through the earth. I wish them well, but they still caused indigestion when I was growing up.

Me: Let’s decide to have an indigestion-free holiday. No stress. No pressure. Just peace and calm and rest. That’s what the Great Creator wants for us all.

Stella: Really?

Me: I guarantee it.

Stella: No indigestion?

Me: Nope.

Stella: No stressing out.

Me: Nope.

Stella: Imagine that.

Me: I try.

Stella’s Christmas Rant – Conversations with Stella

Posted on December 21, 2016 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, shall now begin my Christmas rant. Ranting is not reserved for humans alone. I have plenty about which to rant.

Me: Like what? You have not been out in the crowds.

Stella: If you wish more ranting time, you have my royal permission. Go ahead. I will add mine later. Rant on!

Me: The people walking in front of me at the grocery store crept along like snails. So slowly.

Stella: Yes, slow humans. Everyone should have a bulldog pulling them along. What else?

Me: “No, ma’am! You can’t get three of the same item on that one coupon!”

Stella: No, ma’am! You can’t! What is a coupon?

Me: “No, sir! If there are no more, there are no more!” Hey, guy! They ran out! Move along!

Stella: Yes, move along there, human! Wait? What did they run out of? Not our treats again, I hope!

Me: And then there were the people who insisted on blocking the store aisles so they could get a picture of their pet with Santa Claus.

Stella: The big bearded man in the red furry suit? He takes pictures with animals? Really? But on the other hand, is it a good idea to put your animal in the lap of a bearded stranger? Do I really want my picture made with a guy I don’t know?

Me: Humans like it. I simply wanted them to move out of my way.

Stella: Did you call someone an ugly name this time?

Me: No. I went shopping in a better frame of mind and I exercised self-control. Well, some self-control.

Stella: But not enough to keep from ranting. Merry Christmas, Lady Human! My turn to rant! My turn! Miss Sweetie ate a greasy paper towel and threw up all over the place. Not very Christmasy. Christmas is supposed to smell good.

Me: Yeah, she dug deep in the trash and pulled one out. Thanks be to God, she threw it up and is feeling better now.

Stella: Don’t do the crime and you won’t do the time. Why trash dive when we have all this good food?

Me: It’s in her nature. And you are not complaining about your food?

Stella: Oh, that’s right! Food rant! I have seen all kinds of special food come in, but we are eating the same old thing, day in and day out. Where are our cool goodies?

Me: You all get treats.

Stella: Not red and green ones. Just dull old brown ones. Where is our bulldog Christmas?

Me: We’ll work on that. You shouldn’t eat everything we eat.

Stella: You shouldn’t eat everything that you eat. Rant!

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