Foot Bath Furor – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

As a human, I am constantly surprised by what sets the bulldogs off. The latest barking/whining frenzy started…

Stella:    When your feet disappeared, Lady Human! WHEN YOUR FEET DISAPPEARED!

Miss Sweetie:    Nooooo! Where did they go, Lady Human? Horrible!

Stella:    Settle down, Sweetie! I will make Lady Human tell us where her feet went!

Me:        This is a foot bath.

Stella:    It eats feet! Keep it far away from us! We have lots of feet!

Me:        Look! See! Here are my feet!

Miss Sweetie:    They are back! Wonderful! You are so talented, Lady Human.

Me:        It is a foot bath. I put my feet down in it like this…

Miss Sweetie:    Noooo! They’re gone again! Why?

Me:        And I take them out like this.

Miss Sweetie:    What a relief! They are back! Lady Human is my hero. She can do anything.

Me:        Not exactly.

Doodlebug:        Why are you letting that monster chew on your feet?

Me:        It is full of warm water and I soak my feet in it.

Tiger:     Ridiculous. Why would anyone volunteer to put their feet in a box of water?

Snoopey:  Tiger is always wrong. I have never agreed with her. Until now.

Me:        Look, y’all. It’s a matter of perspective. From where you are, I can understand that it looks like my feet disappear.

Wiggles:   Yeah, your legs look funny with a big box on the end of them. Your feet disappear, and then they come back, and then they disappear, and then they come back. You are the funniest human ever.

Stella:    Wiggles, it’s not funny! It’s scary. And the box of water is making a growling noise. I don’t trust it.

Me:        Come over here, Stella, and look down into the foot bath. You can see my feet.

Stella:    No way, Lady Human! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. Why are you trying to fool a poor ole bulldog?

Me:        Wait. When did I fool you once?

Stella:    Not important.

Me:        Perspective. What things look like from where you sit may not be the way they really are.

Stella:    Good, because from where I sit, that box of water on your feet looks weird and scary.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella’s New List of Offenders : Did You Think I Would Forget? – Stella’s Blog

Hello! I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, even the ones who are not Illustrious or Noble, hereby post my latest List of Offenders. It has been quite a while since I listed offenders, not because there have been no offenders. There have been plenty. I have a lot of catching up to do.

In order of offensiveness,

Offender #1:      Miss Sweetie – She is still a teenager and, as such, does not know how to control her barking. She believes that she must comment on everything, no matter how unimportant. I think that she loves the sound of her own voice. I do not.

Transcriptionist: Stella, that’s mean! I thought you loved Sweetie.

Stella:    Of course, I love her. That’s beside the point. She talks too much. So do you, Transcriptionist. Silence!

Transcriptionist:  I know who I would elect as Offender #1 and it’s not Miss Sweetie.

 Stella:    Offender #2 – Lady Human who, although she is a human, does not know what the word ‘Silence’ means.

Transcriptionist:  Oh, I know what it means. I don’t acknowledge the right of a bulldog to use it to me.

 Stella:    Wrong again, Lady Human. Not just any bulldog. A bulldog queen. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Offender #3 – Snoopey. Whiney, whiney, whiney. ‘Where is this? Where is that? I’m bored. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I’m not hungry. I have gas.’ On and on and on. Hey, you get to sleep in Lady Human’s bed at night. How cool is that? What is that you are doing now? Facing the wall and pouting? Pout away. See my paws over my ears. Not listening…

Moving along. Offender #4 – Jerky McSquirrelyFace.

Transcriptionist:  So your arch nemesis is worthy of a mention on the List?

 Stella:    No! But he is still an offender though I refuse to honor him with his own list. 

 Transcriptionist:  And what has he done to earn his place on the List?

 Stella:    What hasn’t he done? You know, don’t you, that he uses the toilet in our yard? OUR YARD. That is our toilet and no one else’s. And then there’s all that tail flicking. Enough! The queen is tired. The List of Offenders could go on and on.

Transcriptionist:  Would your name end up on there eventually?

Stella:    Of course. Mine is the most important name on any list. I learned that from watching humans.

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.