Queen Stella’s Secret Instructions – Stella’s Blog

Hear ye! Hear ye! I, Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, command the bulldogs to attend to my words. These instructions are for bulldogs only and shall not be shared outside the confines of my palace. In other words, this is a secret. Don’t tell the humans because it is about them.

Transcriptionist:  Don’t you think it is a bad idea to have a human transcribe your secret instructions that you are trying to keep from the humans?

 Stella:    What’s your point?

Transcriptionist:  How can your secret instructions be kept secret if you are having an outsider type them for you?

Stella:    Hmmm. That is…what was that word you taught me? Ah, a quandary. None of the bulldogs know how to type. I will have to type the words myself. Give me your black typing box.

Transcriptionist:  I beg your pardon.

 Stella:    Granted. Now give me your black typing box.

Transcriptionist:  Nope.

Stella:    Oh, you are waiting for me to use that ‘magic’ word. Very well. Give it to me NOW! Is that better?

Transcriptionist:  Nope.

Stella:    Oh, all right! Here they are. Don’t tell anyone except a bulldog!

The quickest way to a human’s sympathies is a hang dog look. Look pitiful especially if you have done something wrong and you know it. Most humans are very forgiving creatures and they can’t stand to see us look sad.

If you don’t want to follow a human’s command, tilt your head to one side like you don’t understand even if you do. They think that is adorable and will usually let you off the hook so you can go on doing whatever it is that you were doing.

Now this next one is so super-secret that it must be put into bulldoggese. Deeknsoingnoindooorgonieing raharuh mwaahhh. And that’s it. Plain as the nose on my face.

Transcriptionist:  You make me feel special, Stella, like the member of a bulldog club.

 Stella:    I’m glad you feel that you belong to us, Lady Human. There are other secret instructions, but they must wait until I meet a bulldog who can type, one with her very own black typing box. I had no idea that humans were so clingy to their stuff. Be more like bulldogs, Lady. Learn to share.

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella the Typist – Conversations with Stella

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I can type.

Me:        Woah there, partner! You can what?

Stella:   Didn’t you see? I can type! Just like a human! Yay me!

Me:        I didn’t see you type. Stepping on a computer that was left on the floor is not the same as typing.

Stella:   Yes, it is. Yes, it is. And Tall Man must’ve wanted me to practice or he would not have left his typing box open on the floor.

Me:        Tall Man is not as cautious with his typing box…with his laptop as he perhaps should be, especially with you 50, 60, and 70 pound bulldogs running around.

Stella:    I am glad that he trusts us with his typing box. It shows that he loves us.

Me:        It shows that he doesn’t love his computer.

Stella:    Let me show you what I can type. lsrjilsmjrcljsrcelisrecnsrellnjreinreajnjraiec. Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?

Me:        What does it say?

Stella:    Does that matter?

Me:        That’s pretty much the whole point of typing.

Stella:    Well, that’s a problem because I can’t read. I am a bulldog.

Me:        Then why do you want to type?

Stella:    Because it is fun! It is like dancing. Jlsfjfdsiefdklndkdfjfdoji. What does that say?

Me:        Nothing that I can decipher.

Stella:    You mean I typed in secret code? Bulldog code? You know that bulldogs talk to each other in silent code.

Me:        Yes, I have seen that. It is fascinating. But I don’t think what you type is code. I think it is…gobbledygook.

Stella:    Wow! You mean I typed in a foreign language that even you don’t know? Great! I should start my own newspaper.

Me:        Fine, so long as you understand where a whole bunch of newspapers end up.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.