“Every precious thing needs a guardian.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Take Care of It
Splitting Hairs – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, you have a big tangle of long hairs in your hand. Are you collecting them?
Me: No, I am throwing them away.
Doodlebug: How come they’re in your hand and not on your head where they ought to be?
Me: I’m shedding a lot right now and some are breaking off. Not enough protein, I guess.
Sweetie: Eat our food! We shed a lot and we’ve still got tons of hair. Take some of our shed hair, too, and glue it on to yours. We’ll share!
Me: You already do.
MoonCat: Never accept a donation of hair from a bulldog. They won’t take it back and it will stay with you forever.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Which Came First? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, why do the chickens leave those rolly balls laying around? They don’t play with them.
Me: If the eggs are fertilized, they turn into baby chicks. But these aren’t, so they just get eaten.
Sweetie: Do you mean to tell me that every one of these chickens started out as a rolly ball?
Me: I do mean to tell you that, even Roo-Roo the Rooster.
Sweetie: And that pale goo inside the rolly balls turns into chickens?
Me: Yep.
MoonCat: Enough! No more! TMI, even for my strong stomach.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Hole in One – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, look at this cute little rolly ball I found. I’m gonna knock it into that hole over there. Boom!
Me: Uh, not a ball, Sweetie!
Doodlebug: It is now.
Me: That’s an egg.
Sweetie: In it goes. I win. Ew. The ball is all gooey on the inside. Don’t worry. I’ll lick it up.
MoonCat: Now that truly is an egg in a hole.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Hotfooting It – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: The patio floor feels like fire, Lady Human!
Me: Hotfoot it over to the grass.
Sweetie: I’m hotfooting as fast as I can.
Me: Good. Now isn’t that better?
Doodlebug: But we still have to go back over the hot rock.
Me: I can spray some water on it. Or you can wear shoes like I do.
Doodlebug & Sweetie: NO SHOES!
MoonCat: Water on hot concrete. Nice and steamy. Almost like a bath. Yuck!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Turn the Sun Down – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: You’ve done it again, Lady Human. You left the sun running full blast when it needs to be turned down.
Doodlebug: The sun did go down last night. I watched it through the window.
Sweetie: Yeah, but it came back up which means somebody didn’t turn the right knob.
Me: Y’all don’t seem to understand how little control humans have over stuff like the sun.
MoonCat: That’s good news. In my book, the less control humans have, the better.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Growling Machine – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Doodle, Lady Human is weird. She takes those pieces of cloth she calls “clothes” and throws them into a big metal box that growls at them. And then they come out all wet from crying and she throws them into a hot box that tosses them around and around.
Doodlebug: The clothes are like our towels. They can’t cry. They are flat and still until she puts them on. Then they move like her.
MoonCat: You know. Like sweaters.
Doodlebug and Sweetie: NO SWEATERS!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Fence Sitting
“Fence sitting is harder for some than for others. For giant rear ends, it’s pretty much impossible.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Chicken Patrol – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hup, 2, 3, 4. Hup, 2, 3, 4.
Me: What, may I ask, is going on here?
Sweetie: Chicken patrol.
Me: I can see that all the chickens are hunkered down in their coop.
Sweetie: Mission accomplished.
Doodlebug: Better hunkered down in safety than hunkered down out in the open.
Me: Okay, everybody off duty now and back in the house.
Sweetie: But the chickens will start running around.
Me: As they should. It’s full daylight and no storms are expected.
MoonCat: Chickens in charge of the yard? Sounds a little fowl to me…Sorry. I had to.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Great Chicken Search – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: I need y’all’s help. Two of the chickens are missing. They aren’t in the coop with the others and it’s past time.
Sweetie: A chicken search? That’s easy. They stink big time.
Me: I know you can find them with your talented snouts. But no chasing or pouncing. They are probably hunkered down under something in the yard.
Doodlebug: On the job.
Sweetie: My nose is detecting. There’s a chickeny smell over here.
Doodlebug: And over here.
Me: Great job, guys!
MoonCat: Nothing says bulldog like a chicken roundup after dark.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Motor Mouths – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Roo-Roo the Rooster is roostering all over the place. Well, I’ll show him. He can’t out rooster a bulldog.
Me: You don’t have to hold a contest. In fact, PLEASE don’t hold a contest!
Sweetie: I’m all fired up and raring to go! Read my lips, Roo-Roo!
MoonCat: Let’s hope the motor mouths run out of gas before too long.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Aim High and Overshoot – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Throw it, Lady Human! Throw the bouncy ball high!
Me: Ugh! Overshot it. It went over the fence.
Doodlebug: There’s always another fence to throw it over. Try it again.
MoonCat: Aim low. Bulldog level.
©️ 2026. H.J.Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bouncing Back – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, you’re not flat anymore!
Me: No, I’m better now.
Sweetie: Is the “poorly” gone?
Me: Yeah, feels like it. Bouncing back.
Sweetie: Like the big ball outside? How high can you bounce?
Me: Not exactly like that. Still a little tired.
Doodlebug: Great! Time for a bulldog nap.
MoonCat: Bouncebacks take a lot of energy.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Poorly – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, why are you flat?
Me: I’m lying down because I’m feeling poorly.
Sweetie: Is “poorly” good?
Me: Not really. Not the worst though.
Sweetie: I’ll feel poorly with you if it will help.
Doodlebug: Me, too.
Me: Aww, thanks, but I think I’ll need to fight this one through. You can pray for me.
MoonCat: Already there.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Steamy
“It’s SUMMER. Again. Right on time. Just like every year. So…wear your hat.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill.All Rights Reserved.
On the Tip of My Tongue – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Bluh! Lahdee Hooma!
Me: Ew! What’s on the end of your tongue? Hold still. Yuck!
Sweetie: Was it something I wanted?
Me: Apparently. At some point. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Doodlebug: Can I have it?
Me: No. We throw yuck stuff away.
MoonCat: I’ll just keep the tip of my tongue to myself.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
Don’t Stop Up Your Ears – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human?
Me: Mmm..maah…mmm…
Doodlebug: I think she’s gone deaf.
Sweetie: She’s stuck big white kibbles in her ears with strings hanging off them. Why would anybody do that?
Doodlebug: LADY HUMAN!
Sweetie: I’ll step on her foot.
Me: Hey!
Sweetie: There she is.
Me: I was listening to music.
Sweetie: Now we know what the white kibbles and the long neck strings are doing.
MoonCat: Yes, they provide selective hearing to humans with bulldogs.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Squirrelly – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, a squirrel is acting squirrelly.
Me: Isn’t that as it should be?
Doodlebug: It’s picking seeds out of a big sunflower’s face. It’s not allowed to do that. What about us?
Me: We’re fine. Let the squirrel share.
Sweetie: But it’s climbed up a flower stalk that is as tall as a human!
MoonCat: Squirrelly would be if it didn’t climb up and grab those seeds. Tall sunflower equals short tree.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
Harrumph! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Harrumph!
Me: I beg your pardon?
Sweetie: Harrumph! I think I made myself clear.
Me: What are you harrumphing about?
Doodlebug: Nothing. She’s making noise. That’s all. If she makes enough noise, you may give her a treat.
MoonCat: So that’s the secret! I need to practice my harrumph, though no one harrumphs quite as well as a bulldog.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Spitting Nickels – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s the matter, Lady Human?
Me: I’m so mad I could spit nickels.
Sweetie: I want to spit nickels. What are nickels?
Me: Just little round metal coins. Worth about 5 cents apiece.
Sweetie: You can spit human money? COOL!
Doodlebug: You are more talented than I thought!
Sweetie: You should just stay mad all the time. Think how much money you’d have and how many treats you could buy us.
MoonCat: Treats enough for all of us? That would take quite a bit of spitting.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
