Who Your Advisers Are Says a Lot about You – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges, hereby announce my appointments for my personal cabinet.

Me:        Why?

Stella:    The humans are doing it. The humans are not better than I am. If they get to have advisers, so do I.

Me:        What if these advisers recommend something you disapprove?

Stella:    Then they’re fired! Boom! There! I said it! You heard me!

Me:        Okay. Who are you appointing?

Stella:    First of all, Snoopey will be Secretary of Defense and Chief of Bulldog Security.

Me:        Why Snoopey?

Stella:    She is First Barker. Whenever there is a strange noise or unknown threat, whether it exists or not, she is on her feet, barking her head off. To be honest, Snoopey is our pack leader. That is hard for me to admit, but if the pack needs to be defended, Snoopey is the one who will do the job. Not me.

Me:        But you are the Queen. I have seen you hold your own against all the bulldogs.

Stella:    I can make my point clear. I am a peacemaker. But Snoopey cares for all the bulldogs, even the ones who challenge her. She would sacrifice herself to save others.

Me:        Very well. That sounds reasonable. Who’s next?

Stella:    Tiger will be Assistant Secretary of Defense.

Me:        Why?

Stella:    When she was attacked by that dog in her old place, she learned what it meant to fight, to defend, and to lose. She almost died.

Me:        I know. We experienced her battle to recover but not her first battle.

Stella:   She told me about it. She said that she learned defense is as important as offense. She wishes that she had known that from the beginning.

Me:        Still she has picked fights with Snoopey.

Stella:    It is hard for a warrior to sit on the sidelines.

Me:        I understand. Who is next?

Stella:    Wiggles. Ah, poor Wiggles. Sweetest dog ever.

Me:        I know that you don’t like it when we say that. But you must admit she is sweet.

Stella:    Well, she is a good dancer. I can appoint her Secretary of the Arts.

Me:        She can dance and make everybody feel more relaxed, calmer.

Stella:    I can also appoint her Secretary of Eggs. The hens push eggs toward her when she paws at them.

Me:        Yes, she does have a way with the chickens.

Stella:    Finding the right dog for the right job. I do not envy the humans.

Me:        That leaves Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie.

Stella:    Those sillies! I have the perfect jobs for them. They can be president and vice president. I don’t even know what those jobs are so they can’t be too important.

Me:        Which one will be president?

Stella:    Which one weighs more?

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

No Accounting for Human Taste – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Once again, I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me:        You aren’t “once again” Stella. You are always Stella. It’s not like you stopped being Stella and then became Stella again.

Stella:    Why are you being so picky?

Me:        I am not being picky.

Stella:    Then you are being snappy. Why?

Me:        I am not being snappy.

Stella:    I am a bulldog. I know picky and snappy when I hear it. Do you need a nap? When I am picky and snappy, it is usually because I have missed one of my 14 daily naps.

Me:        I don’t need a nap.

Stella:    Did you eat breakfast? When I am picky and snappy, it is usually because I have skipped breakfast.

Me:        I did not skip breakfast.

Stella:    How about lunch? Did you miss that? When I am picky and snappy, it is usually because I have skipped lunch.

Me:        I did not miss lunch! Leave me alone!

Stella:    Now that was just plain rude. Are your feet itchy? When I am picky and snappy and rude, it is usually because my feet are itchy. Here! Let me lick them the way I lick mine. It helps.

Me:        No, my feet are not itchy. Please don’t lick them!

Stella:    Picky, snappy, and rude, but not sleepy or hungry or itchy. I give up.

Me:        I’m sorry, Stella. I have misplaced something and it has me frustrated.

Stella:    Did you misplace a bulldog?

Me:        No, nothing so important as that.

Stella:    Good, because I just counted and we are all here and if you had misplaced a bulldog, that would mean you had a secret bulldog we did not know about.

Me:        In fact, what I have misplaced is of no real importance at all and yet I am all wound up about it. I keep looking in all the places it could be, checking and rechecking.

Stella:    What is it? The other bulldogs and I can search for it, especially if it smells bad.

Me:        It doesn’t and it’s not important.

Stella:    We want to help. What is it?

Me:        Just a paper bookmark.

Stella:    That’s easy. What does it look like?

Me:        It has some colorful drawings on it. It’s no big deal. I’ll come across it eventually.

Stella:    Drawings of what?

Me:        Just forget it.

Stella:    Drawings of what? No… not SQUIRRELS!

Me:        No, not squirrels.

Stella:    Whew!

Me:        Cats.

Stella:    Mwaaah! What? Eeewww! Better off lost! Why cats? Who wants pictures of cats? I can’t believe it. Why not dogs?

Me:        They didn’t have any of dogs. They were sold out.

Stella:    Of course, they were. Everyone wants dogs. Well, offer of help is hereby withdrawn. As for your cat bookmark, I hope you don’t find it.

Me:        Now who’s being rude.

Stella:    All I can say is that, if I find it first, I will let you know what colorful paper cats taste like! DOGS FOREVER! No, Lady Human, don’t look sad. I love you despite your bad taste. I won’t chew up your ugly cat bookmark. My bulldog slobber all over it will be enough.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

What Is That Terrible Stink? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble of the Olde English Bulldogges. Allow me to repeat that – QUEEN! As queen, I should not have anything assault my nose. Ever.

Me:        What is the problem?

Stella:    There is a terrible stink.

Me:        Well, you know…bulldogs. Hellooo!

Stella:    I already said hello to everyone. And what does stink have to do with bulldogs?

Me:        Is that a real question, Stella?

Stella:    This stink hit me in the face when I came into your room.

Me:        I don’t smell anything peculiar.

Stella:    Let me be brutally honest. The stink is coming from you, Lady Human.

Me:        What? I showered. I put on clean clothes.

Stella:    It is your skin.

Me:        I rubbed on some essential oils. That’s all. No perfume.

Stella:    220 million dog nose receptors can’t be wrong.

Me:        220 million, huh. That’s a lot.

Stella:    I don’t know what 220 million means, but I know it is more than four. Four is the number of one paw’s worth of toes. How powerful are human noses?

Me:        Hmmm…5 million.

Stella:    Don’t be embarrassed about your weak nose, Lady Human. Be embarrassed about stinking so badly.

Me:        Essential oils don’t stink. They may be overpowering to you, but not to humans.

Stella:    Please warn me before you use them again.

Me:        I will if you will forewarn me about bulldog gas leaks.

Stella:    I can make no promises. Our gas leaks surprise even me most of the time.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stay Away from Political Parties! There is No Popcorn! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Stella:    My Lady Human is exhausted. She has not slept as long or as well as she should have these past few days. Thus, everything she has done for us, the Olde English Bulldogges of Bulldoggy Nation, has been done…well, partially, slowly, and not very well.

Me:        Stella, are you complaining about me?

Stella:    Just giving the facts, only the facts. You stayed up too late the other night with your Political Party nonsense and now everyone is suffering for it. If it was no fun, why did you keep politicaling. It does not sound like a party to me.

Me:        Politicaling? I don’t think that’s a word.

Stella:    It is now. I say so.

Me:        And a political party is not like a fun party.

Stella:    Then why attend?

Me:        I didn’t. It kind of foisted itself on me.

Stella:    Then you tell Mr. Foisted to cut it out. You have bulldogs depending on you and he can keep his Political Party invitations to himself and he had better not come around here anymore or he may find out how bulldogs got their reputation. Nobody messes with my Lady Human!

Me:        Thank you, Stella.

Stella:    That’s right. Our breakfast schedule is too important to be messed up by political partying. Now go to bed and get some sleep and no more politicaling…ever.

Me:        If you say so.

Stella:    If you humans had me as queen, you wouldn’t have to put up with elections and parties would not be a problem. Think about it.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Right Reserved.

 

 

Midnight Hour – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Stella:    Lady Human, what are you doing up so late? Shhh! All the bulldogs are asleep.

Me:        You are a bulldog and you aren’t.

Stella:    I am a queen. Queens stay up to watch over their subjects.

Me:        It’s true. I have found you sitting up long after the others are snoring.

Stella:    You don’t stay up this late.

Me:        No, but I wasn’t sleeping well and I had a pain in my foot. I got up to take some aspirin.

Stella:    Your foot? The one that Tiger stomped on?

Me:        I don’t remember…

Stella:    The foot that Wiggles stomped on?

Me:        Maybe…My feet get bulldog stomped a lot.

Stella:    The foot that Snoopey stomped on?

Me:        Probably. I only have two and Snoopey stomps a lot.

Stella:    The foot that I stomped on? I’m sorry about that. It’s just that your human feet are so big. They stick out in front of me and it is hard to avoid them when I am hustling. Wait! Is that Human Election Nonsense over?

Me:        The voting is over. I don’t know if it is ever truly over.

Stella:    Are the loud humans quiet now?

Me:        Loud humans never quiet down completely.

Stella:    True. Humans don’t seem to know how to be quiet. They talk and talk and talk and say very little, mostly blah, blah, blah.

Me:        The Great Creator made our mouths and gave us tongues for speech. I think we don’t use them wisely as He intended.

Stella:    You should not stay awake and worry about the silly humans even if you are one yourself.

Me:          Silly or human?

Stella:     Both. There is no real difference. You don’t see the bulldogs sitting up all night.

Me:        No, they are sleeping soundly. It’s wonderful to watch dogs at peace.

Stella:    We like it when our humans sleep in peace. Hey, you can sleep with all of us. I will watch over you, too.

Me:        Thank you for the offer, Stella. I believe I can go to bed and rest now. You’ve reminded me that we all have Someone watching over us. Good night.

Stella:    Good night, Lady Human. Oh, and just because you stayed up late doesn’t mean that our breakfast can be one minute late in the morning. No slacking off.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H. J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Stella’s Bedtime Story – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello, humans! I am Queen Stella. Turn down the lights. Silence all loud noises. This bedtime story is for you. You need calming down. You have all been tense for months and Lady Human says that tomorrow is the Official Day of Election Nonsense. Since humans are full of nonsense most of the time, I don’t understand why tomorrow is more nonsensical than other human days, but I will take her word for it. After all, she is human and should know.

Me:        May I close my eyes and listen?

Stella:    As you wish. Now we begin.

Once upon a time this time yesterday, a sweet, smart bulldog named Stella was baking a meat pie.

Me:        You aren’t going to change the main character’s name?

Stella:    Listeners must be silent.

Me:        Sorry.

Stella:    Where was I? Oh, yes. Sweet, smart Stella was baking a wonderful, spicy meat pie. All the bulldogs sniffed the air to catch the aroma. Everyone sat still, quiet and nodding sleepily. She pulled the pie from the oven and set it on the floor where the bulldogs could reach it. As it cooled, the bulldogs dreamed of the magic pie and how good it would taste.

Me:        Magic pie?

Stella:    It is food, isn’t it? Now close your eyes and be quiet and calm down. It was peaceful, so peaceful when SUDDENLY, IN THROUGH THE WINDOW BURST A FLYING SQUIRREL!

Me:        What?

Stella:    The squirrel whirled around the kitchen, clawing on each pass at the bulldogs and the precious meat pie. Sweet Stella stood up to defend her kin, transforming into FLYING STELLA, SQUIRREL FIGHTER. She reached into the pie and pulled out a piece of carrot. She threw it out the window in front of the food-stealing squirrel and slammed the window shut behind him. No squirrel was going to get away with her pie!

Me:        This is a bedtime story to calm people down?

Stella:    Think of defeating a flying squirrel at his own game. That always calms me down. Doesn’t it you?

 

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Blame Me! It’s the Human’s Fault – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella Bella McStarFace ING (that’s Illustrious, Noble, and Great to you), Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me:        That is quite a mouthful.

Stella:    I am a bulldog. I can handle it.

I, Queen Stella, on behalf of all my bulldogs, do hereby disclaim any and all responsibility and liability for damage by bulldog(s) to property that the humans foolishly leave around the house or in the yard. Humans, you knew that we were bulldogs when we arrived. If property is chewed, licked, destroyed, eaten, splintered, moved, slobbered on, used as a platform, used as a bed, pooped on, peed on, clawed, shredded, or otherwise bulldogged, be it on your own heads.

Me:        Have you been talking to a lawyer? You are bringing this up because of the back door, aren’t you?

Stella:    Back door? What back door?

Me:        Yeah, that’s almost what happened.

Stella:    Your fault. If you didn’t want it chewed or clawed, you should not have left it in front of a bulldog.

Me:        A back door? There’s no other place to put a back door except…at the back door.

Stella:    Your fault. Humans are clever beings. Find someplace else.

Me:        And what about the fragmented gate and the broken boards on the fence?

Stella:    Your fault. Who decided to build those things out of wood? Don’t you realize what a tempting and delicious target wood is for a bulldog?

Me:        Humans say that whenever you point a finger at someone else, there are 4 fingers pointed back at you.

Stella:    Silly humans. Look at my paw. Four toes all pointed the same direction. At you! Therefore, your fault!

Me:        We are in the process of making repairs. Meanwhile, can you encourage the main chew hounds to stick with…well, anything that is not part of the structure of the house?

Stella:    I will mention it. I make no promises. Why do we need a back door anyway?

Me:        Raccoons, possums, skunks, rats. SQUIRRELS!

Stella:    No! No squirrels in my house! Ever! Where is that back door? Is it shut? Is it locked? Is it guarded? Hey, bulldogs! Leave the back door alone! The humans may know what they are doing after all.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Tell Me Why – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am the Olde English Bulldogges’ Queen, Stella, the Illustrious, the Noble, the Great. The ING.

Me;        What is an “ING”, pray tell?

Stella:    Just what I said. Illustrious, noble, great. I am Stella Ing.

Me:        If you insist.

Stella:    I have a question. Or two or three or ten.

Me:        Shoot.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Why what?

Stella:    Precisely.

Me:        What is your question?

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Because you told me that you have a question or two or three or ten.

Stella:    My question is why?

Me:        I don’t know why without a what.

Stella:    Well, why didn’t you just say so?

Me:        Say what?

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Oh, no, not again. You can’t simply ask ‘why’ without a subject behind it. For example, you could ask, “Why is the sky blue?” or “Why is the moon round?”

Stella:    Okay. Start with those.

Me:        Well, the sky is blue because of sunlight refraction that shows us that part of the spectrum….

Stella:    Why?

Me:        Uh-oh. I think this is headed nowhere fast.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        As I suspected. My kids used to play this game. I’ll do now what I used to do back then. Punt.

Stella:    What is punt?

Me:        It is a football term. When one team has used up its chances to move the football at least 10 yards on one possession, they can choose to kick the ball as far as they can to the other team and so get the ball away from their territory.

Stella:    So ‘to punt’ means ‘to give up’.

Me:        No, it means to get a breather and regroup.

Stella:    Very well. Punt.

Me:        Okay, here goes nothing. Why?

Stella:    What?

Me:        I just punted to you.

Stella:    Why?

Me:        What?

Stella:    And I just punted back to you. Aren’t those the rules to this game?

Me:        Apparently, they are now. Hey, Stella, how about a treat?

Stella:    Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Is this how you used to play the game with your human puppies?

Me:        Not exactly. I usually offered them ice cream.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paws-itivity – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Noble and Illustrious Queen of the Old English Bulldogges. I added that “noble” part in myself.

Me:        If you keep adding titles, we may run out of room for anything else.

Stella:   Today I have a list of my special gifts that remind me of how valuable I am and make me feel good about myself.

Me:        Is there ever a time that you struggle with feeling good about yourself, Stella? You seem self-assured overall.

Stella:    When I am hungry, I feel like an empty sack. That’s because, when I am hungry, I am an empty sack.

Me:        You are never an empty sack.

Stella:    I am an empty sack of bones, blood, muscles, and air.

Me:        Air? Oh, you mean lungs.

Stella:    No, I mean the air bag that is my empty stomach. And that is when I call to mind my Gifts List and remind myself:

I am the cleanest bulldog in the world. Dirt does not dare stick to me.

Me:        You’re pretty clean, all right, but the cleanest in the world…

Stella:    Silence! Do not interrupt the List!

I am pretty, oh so pretty! So, everybody else, shut up!

I am super smart! So what if I can’t open a stupid door like Doodlebug!

I am the sweetest dog ever! No other dogs need apply. That means you,                              Wiggles!

I am courageous and the terror of squirrels. They flee when I appear. What do                   they do when you appear, Snoopey? Nothing! You do not inspire fear!

Me:        Stella, I notice that for every positive…

Stella:    Paws-itive. As in I have four of them. One. Two. Three. Four.

Me:        Oh, all right. Anyway, your affirmations always end in something negative. How does that help?

Stella:    I have enormous competition from the other bulldogs. You don’t know what it’s like being queen. They are constantly like “Why don’t you do this?” or “Why did you do that?” or “Why are you so short?” or “You don’t run very fast.” or…

Me:        I get the idea.

Stella:    It is so difficult being queen over your sisters and nieces.

Me:        Would it help if I gave you some affirmations that were just about you?

Stella:    Maybe…

Me:        You are beautiful, Stella Bella.

You are the kindest soul on four legs that I have ever met. (Please don’t tell the                    other bulldogs I have met.)

You are more interesting than most humans I know. (Please don’t tell the other                    humans I know.)

You make our lives richer just by being near us.

You are the perfect size and shape for you.

You move at just the right pace, not too fast, not too slowly.

You are brave and I am proud of you.

Say those to yourself. Don’t worry about what the others think. Does that                         help?

Stella:    Did you mean all that, Lady Human?

Me:        With all my heart.

Stella:    Then when I say it, I will mean it, too.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

My Kingdom Is Being Invaded! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and (lest people forget as they are prone to do) Illustrious and all that goes to say that this is MY land, MY house, MY territory which also goes to say that something is TERRIBLY WRONG when Tiger and I are put out in the yard and told that we MUST (not a word to use to a queen) stay out here until something (I don’t know what) is finished!

Me:        It will only be for about 10 minutes.

Stella:    I can hear a horrible, screechy noise from inside the house! My kingdom…(or is it queendom) is being invaded! Rally the troops! Oh, they are inside, except for Tiger here. No matter. To Arms! Where is that stick that I was chewing earlier? Tiger, find a rock or something to throw! No! Not that! What is that? A toadstool? Nasty! Find something useful. Something to combat an invasion!

Me:        If you are finished giving orders…

Stella:    I am never finished giving orders. And BTW as the humans say, why are you sitting out here so calm as though nothing important is going on?

Me:        Because nothing important is going on and I wanted to keep you two company while you’re out here.

Stella:    Getting down to brass tacks…

Me:        Really? Where did you hear that?

Stella:    Not important. Why are we out here?

Me:        Because Tall Man is running the big shop vac, cleaning up all the bulldog hair that has floated from you all and because the last time he did that, you and Tiger went crackers, ballistic, nuts, and got overexcited. The others were fine with it. They just watched and barked every now and again. But you and Tiger got so wound up that you both panted for at least an hour. Nothing we did calmed you down.

Stella:    Now I remember. The monster roared in from the garage, its teeth bared, growling ferociously. Tall Man was caught in its trap and was being pulled along while the snake-like snout of the beast prowled along the floor, consuming everything in its path – dog hair, cat hair, dust, but worst of all, tasty bits of food that had fallen from our bowls…

Me:        That’s not the way I remember it.

Stella:    Humans have fallible memories.

Me:        Fallible? You’ve been listening to the television again. Good vocabulary development.

Stella:    Silence!

Me:        That is one word I wish you would tuck away. Ah, here comes Tall Man. He must be finished. We can all go back in now.

Stella:    Tall Man, has my kingdom fallen?

Tall Man:  Why is Stella making that noise?

Me:        Same reason as usual.

Stella:    Lady Human, you said that Tiger and I went ‘crackers’ and ‘nuts’ last time the monster roared through the house. I didn’t see any of those. What happened to that food? Can we have some of it?

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

The Stupid Awards – Human Edition – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello, dogs, humans, and…cats…if any are interested in this which I doubt. Anyway, there are no cats on the Stupid Awards list this time. I find that almost inexplicable. Still, it is my list.

Me:        Is this that award where you get a treat whenever someone wins the award so it is just about you getting more treats?

Stella:    Those are the rules.

Me:        Solely to refresh my memory, are the awards stupid or are the recipients stupid?

Stella:    Both. Now for the first Stupie…

Me:        Stupie? Oh, I forgot. That’s the award’s nickname. Please go on.

Stella:    I was about to when I was so rudely interrupted. Ahem. The first Stupie goes to…. drrrrrrrrrruhhhh…

Me:        What?

Stella:    That is a drum roll. I heard it on the Picture Box. We do not have a drummer so I will do that part myself. Ahem, the first Stupie goes to ALL HUMANS LOUDLY TALKING POLITICS ON THE PICTURE BOX ABOUT THE HUMAN ELECTION NONSENSE! Tada!!! All treats go to me. How many will that be, Lady Human?

Me:        I have no idea. Is it limited to candidates or do moderators and commentators count, too?

Stella:    ALL HUMANS. LOUDLY TALKING. POLITICS. PICTURE BOX. ELECTION NONSENSE.

Me:        Is “Picture Box” limited to television? Or does that include the internet and social media?

Stella:    I have no idea what you are talking about.

Me:        Because that could be in the millions. Quite frankly, I cannot foot that kind of bill for dog treats.

Stella:    Well, we can work out a deal on that later.

Me:        Are there any other Stupies to be given out now?

Stella:    Quite a few. There is never a shortage of human stupidity.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

You Smell Good! Wait! Where Have You Been? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella the Illustrious. (That sounds so good, doesn’t it?) I am Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! And once again, Lady Human has come home after dark with no explanation for her absence.

Me:        Well, excuse me!

Stella:    No. Not this time.

Me:        Stella, I am a human, remember? I am not subject to any bulldog curfew.

Stella:    When you left, it was daylight. When you came home, it was dark.

Me:        I was gone for a total of four hours.

Stella:    And you came home smelling of popcorn.

Me:        Really? I didn’t notice.

Stella:    Are you questioning my dog nose? Even a bulldog has a better sense of scent than any human. You also smelled of wieners and bread and mustard, a delicious odor from what you so rudely refer to as a “Hot Dog”.

Me:        You caught that, too. Your nose is more sensitive than I thought. I wasn’t anywhere near the Hot Dog Stand.

Stella:    Aha! A confession! You went to a party without us!

Me:        Stella, honey, I go lots of places without y’all. No dogs were allowed.

Stella:    And yet other animals were. I scented an owl, a porcupine, a possum, small horses, goats, ducks, chickens…

Me:        How do you know what a porcupine smells like?

Stella:    You weren’t around for my first year and a half. You don’t know what I experienced.

Me:        Did you run into a porcupine before you met us?

Stella:    Not the point, but I guessed right, didn’t I?

Me:        Mmmm. Yeah.

Stella:    Where did you go that we could not?

Me:        I volunteered at a Fall Festival at my church. It was for humans. Only humans. Families and kids. I worked a snow cone machine.

Stella:    Snow cones? I like snow cones.

Me:        And we had a popcorn machine.

Stella:    Popcorn? I like popcorn.

Me:        And a cotton candy machine.

Stella:    Cotton candy. I like to eat cotton.

Me:        Cotton candy is a little different. And we had hot dogs.

Stella:    That’s me.

Me:        And a petting zoo with ponies, goats, ducks, and chickens. And the City Zoo brought an owl and a possum and, yes, a porcupine.

Stella;    I knew it! They let other animals in, but not bulldogs. Unfair!

Me:        Maybe next year, Stella.

Stella:    I will volunteer, Lady Human, but only if I get one snow cone, two hot dogs, a bag of popcorn, and a taste of cotton candy. And if I can get petted by all the children. No adults, please. I can get petted by adults anytime.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

We’ve Run Out of What??? No!!! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am herewith issuing a red alert. Breakfast was delayed this morning by almost half an hour and, when it did come, it was different.

Me:        No red alert is necessary, girl…excuse me, Your Majesty. We ran out of your regular food and so did the store.

Stella:    What??? That cannot be!!! How did you let this happen, Lady Human? How did the other humans let this happen? Call everyone! Call the police! Call the army! HELP!

Me:        Remember when the store ran out of your favorite treats? Everyone survived.

Stella:    It was so hard though.

Me:        The man at the store said that they will have your regular food in by lunchtime tomorrow.

Stella:    No!!!! Too late!!!!

Me:        Was your old food brand so terrible this morning?

Stella:    It was different. We don’t like different. Never let this happen again!

Me:        I’m not sure that I can guarantee that.

Stella:    Why not? You are human. You can do anything.

Me:        Mmmm. Not so much.

Stella:    You are scaring me, Lady Human.

Me:        Nothing is too hard for the LORD. Humans have limitations and, to be honest, I am glad. There are quite a few humans that I would not want to have unlimited power. In fact, there aren’t any humans that I would want to have unlimited power. Including me.

Stella:    Aaaaggghhh! How does that solve our food problem?

Me:        Your problem will be solved by tomorrow. If we have to go further and search harder for your food or if we even have to make it ourselves, we will. Did you go hungry today?

Stella:    Well, no, not really, though I am always willing to take a little more.

Me:        You see? No genuine problem.

Stella:    Still it bothers me to know that you do not have unlimited powers.

Me:        Really? It is a great comfort to me.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Unfair Disbursement – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I, Queen Stella the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogge, hereby issue a decree: the humans shall guarantee that each bulldog shall receive the same quantity of treats, no exceptions. Well, one exception and that’s me.

Me:        Everybody gets a treat at the same time so it’s all fair.

Stella:    No, it’s not. Not all is fair in love and treats. I heard a human say that.

Me:        I doubt any human ever said that. They probably said something like ‘all is fair in love and war’.

Stella:    Precisely. That’s what I said.

Me:        I don’t think so…

Stella:    Love. Treats. Fair. War. Yep. I love my treats and if you are not fair, I will go to war for my treats.

Me:        What has brought this on?

Stella:    The chicken jerky treats are not being evenly distributed.

Me:        I break the strips up and make sure that each of you gets a piece.

Stella:    How do you break them up?

Me:        I snap them with my fingers.

Stella:    And your fingers have measuring marks on them?

Me:        Uh, no.

Stella:    So how do you know how much Snoopey is getting compared to me?

Me:        They look about the same length…

Stella:    You are guessing!

Me:        I’m pretty close each time.

Stella:    Pretty close is not close.

Me:        They are approximately the same size.

Stella:    Wrong! What does ‘approximately’ mean? If Snoopey gets one millimeter more per day for 10 days, that means I was cheated 10 millimeters. In 100 days, you owe me 10 centimeters of chicken jerky. That is almost 4 inches of chicken jerky! It adds up fast.

Me:        Stella, what have you been doing with yout free time? Where did you learn about millimeters and centimeters?

Stella:    Sometimes at night, Tall Man works on his projects by my crate. He has a long yellow ribbon with markings on it and he calls out numbers as he measures. It’s really fun to watch and pretty soon he has built another something that he takes away and we never see again.

Me:        He is very handy.

Stella:    No, he only has two of them.

Me:        What I mean is…never mind. I understand that you want everything to be evenly divided. When I was a kid, a cousin of mine always wanted to divide any candy bar we got and he always made sure that his piece was a little bigger than mine. I thought it was very unfair, but when I complained, he gobbled up his piece, destroying the evidence.

Stella:    He sounds like a true treat lover. My kind of human. But you see my point about fairness.

Me:        I see your point. Here is mine. If I have to measure jerky treats to the nearest millimeter, it is going to slow treat distribution to a crawl. And then there’s the question of how thick each treat is. You wouldn’t want to get a big thick piece while poor Snoopey got a thin slice, would you?

Stella:    Mmmm, I wouldn’t mind that so much.

Me:        Fair?

Stella:    I could be appointed the Royal Treat Taster and pick my own.

Me:        I have a feeling that all the treats would end up in your mouth and I wouldn’t be fast enough to stop you. Maybe you should focus on gratitude for what you do get.

Stella:    Is that what you did toward your puppy cousin?

Me:        No, young humans often are unwise. Gratitude came much later.

Stella:    What did you do?

Me:         I learned to buy my own candy bars and hide them.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Weird Humans and Their Clothes 

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges. Well, some may be illustrious. I know that I am. Lady Human, what were those strange clothes you put on today? They looked…dignified. Not like your regular clothes.

Me:        I had an event to attend.

Stella:    Was it so important that you had to leave us alone all afternoon? Do we have to talk about the curfew thing again?

Me:        As I have said before, bulldogs do not dictate my schedule. It only lasted a few hours. I went because a professor at my old law school is retiring and he was giving a speech about what he has learned.

Stella:    Retiring? Is that the same as dying? That is so sad.

Me:        No, retiring is not the same as dying. He is just leaving his job there after many years. It is not sad. He will go on with his life in different ways.

Stella:    So you had to put on special clothes because someone is leaving a job and will live differently. Humans are weird, Lady Human.

Me:        It is hard to explain to one who does not wear clothing.

Stella:    Why do humans wear clothing?

Me:        It stems from what happened in Eden at the Fall.

Stella:    When everything changed?

Me:        Yes.

Stella:    Your clothes are inconvenient. They snag on our nails and on our crates. They have to be washed in the big Loud Wash Machine Thing that keeps breaking down.

Me:        Well, it’s old and has done a whole ton or more of bulldog washing.

Stella:    And why do humans wear clothes?

Me:        So we will not be naked.

Stella:    Dogs are naked and we are not ashamed.

Me:        It’s a human thing, Stella. You will have to understand it from the Great Creator. He is the One Who first clothed us.

Stella:    Well, in that case, all right. I still think human clothes are weird and what you put on today was super strange. And don’t go to any more retirement speeches! You belong to us. You need to stay here while we nap and snore.

Me:        Is that my only function?

Stella:    Of course not, Lady Human. You also are to bring us food and treats and play with us and bring us treats and take us on our bathroom walks and keep spying squirrels away and bring us treats and…

Me:        Okay, Stella, okay. I am beginning to get the picture.

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

O Where, O Where Have My Little Toys Gone? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and Illustrious. Hello! A horrible thing happened yesterday evening and it had nothing to do with the humans’ election nonsense. Lady Human, bring back my toys!

Me:        You have your toys. See there. In your crate as always.

Stella:    No, my toys are in the mouths of the other bulldogs. Look at my face. Notice my straight, I’m-not-fooling brow. Bring back my toys.

Me:        You had four toys. You have four toys.

Stella:    I had a million toys.

Me:        No, you didn’t. A million toys would fill this whole house, floor to ceiling and then some.

Stella:    Why did you take my toys away? If you had not touched them, they would not be in the big, slimy bulldog mouths of others.

Me:        Stella, I took your FOUR, count ‘em, FOUR toys and washed them because they were filthy dirty. Your yellow chicken was no longer yellow. It was a nice, medium shade of…well, dirt.

Stella:    She didn’t mind.

Me:        Football Head and Long Blue Squishy Hound or whatever you call him smelled.

Stella:    I liked that smell.

Me:        And Purple Dinosaur…

Stella:    My favorite!!! He was perfect. You cannot improve on a perfect purple dinosaur!

Me:        I noticed that you had not been playing with him and now that he’s been washed, you are using him as a pillow again.

Stella:    I only stopped using him as a pillow for a while because my head is heavy and he was feeling a little smooshed.

Me:        Those other toys weren’t yours. They were old ones that I collected from around the house and cleaned so that each dog could play with one. Did you see how happy it made them?

Stella:    I am not in business to make other dogs happy.

Me:        But they each only got one. You got yours back. I mean, just look at your crate. You have four.

Stella:    Yeah. Now I do. But I used to have a million.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Curfew Breaker – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Illustrious Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges. Yay me!

Me:        Yay you!

Stella:    You stayed out too late last night, Lady Human. You must never do that again. Now you must stay inside with us as soon as the sun goes to bed.

Me:        I beg your pardon?

Stella:    Yes, do beg my pardon.

Me:        Excuse me, but…

Stella:    You are excused…

Me:        No.

Stella:    You are not excused? Okay.

Me:        No, I mean I am not taking orders from bulldogs on how long I can stay out at night. I am an adult human. I have no curfew. And I wasn’t even away from home. I was talking to a neighbor out back.

Stella:    You were gone so long. We were waiting to go to bed and there was no one to tuck us in and it was so lonely.

Me:        You could have visited among yourselves.

Stella:    That’s no fun. Tiger is always grumbling to me and Wiggles is always saying something dumb. What were you talking to a neighbor about way into the dark night? Oh, no! It wasn’t about that election nonsense thing again, was it?

Me:        Well, actually…

Stella:    NOOOO!!! There isn’t going to be another one of those debate nonsense things again, is there? With the loud humans talking, talking, talking! Blah! Blah! Blah! And never knowing when to stop!

Me:        Well, as a matter of fact…but just one more. You can sit with me in a quiet place. I am not watching or listening to it.

Stella:    But you will talk about it and Tall Man will watch it because he can’t help himself just like that show with the ugly dead zombie monsters staggering around. Wait! Is that going to be on the Picture Box, too?

Me:        The Walking Dead? Yes, in a few more days.

Stella:    NOOOO!!! Election monsters and zombie monsters!!! Where can I go to hide?

Me:        I don’t know, but if you find a place, come and get me.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Our Idea of Fun – Stella’s Blog

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! Oh, I already said that, didn’t I? I have so much on my mind these days. All the humans feel tense which makes me feel tense.

It must have something to do with those loud humans on the Picture Box, always talking, talking, talking. Nothing else is wrong. There is food. There are treats. The outside is tolerable. It still could be cooler, but they keep saying that the cool is coming. I think that my humans are gullible. They keep believing what the weather people on the Picture Box tell them.

I think that the Picture Box was invented by cats.

When our humans are too busy to play, we bulldogs find our own fun. We can make a game out of anything. Really! ANYTHING!

A stick? Tasty AND a great toy. I prefer pecan, but mesquite or oak will do in a pinch.

A rock? If it’s big enough, stand on it like one of the human statues. Impressive. Bulldoggy. Only don’t stand there too long. They will try to take your picture with one of their little boxes. If the rock is small, roll it with your nose or kick it with your foot.

And then there are the fun things that my humans leave outside. Wooden gates that are a challenge to dismantle. Great puzzles for bulldog brains. We know how to pick them apart.

The latest toy – a long, long green plastic rope. Lady Human did get upset when she saw the use we made of it. I heard her tell Tall Man “electrical cord” and “at least it was not plugged in”, whatever that means. And he said, “Oh, great.” So at least he saw what a good job we did of chewing it up.

So keep your eyes open, bulldogs and all fellow dogs! Don’t depend on humans for fun. Make your own! Just depend on humans for food, treats, beds, air conditioning, clean ears, clean wrinkles, cool store-bought toys, human-made chew sticks, head pets, massages, manicures, walks, belly rubs, brushing, scratching on your chest and anywhere else you can’t reach, the rare bath (admit it, sometimes we need one), and vet visits (yuck). Have I left anything else out? Well, if I have, just depend on the humans to think of it.

I declare this to be official pre-bedtime nap time. Good night, all dogs everywhere!

Signed, Queen Stella the Illustrious

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll Have What You’re Having – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Yes! Illustrious! That’s me. I like that. A young friend called me that and I am going to keep it, just like I keep everything else. Speaking of which, why do humans spend so much time staring into the Big Cold Box in the kitchen?

Me:        We check for ingredients for our meals. Sometimes we don’t know what we want to eat and we have to think about it.

Stella:    You think about food? What is there to think about? Food is food! When you see it, grab it and eat it before someone else does! Let me in there. Let me see what all you have in there. I won’t have to think about it.

Me:        No, we don’t need a bulldog nose sniffing around in the refrigerator.

Stella:    But you sniff around in there.

Me:        I look first and then I sniff.

Stella:    What are you going to eat now?

Me:        Well, there are some sliced apples.

Stella:    Nope.

Me:        Pineapple.

Stella:    Why is everything called ‘apple’? Nope, no fruit.

Me:        I could cook some eggs.

Stella:    Mmmm. Maybe. What else do we have?

Me:        We?

Stella:    We are family, aren’t we? Don’t you love us? You are generous, aren’t you? Wait! Are you a food hoarder, Lady Human?

Me:        Well, of course…Yes, we love…We try to be…No, we are not food hoarders!

Stella:    Thank you for sharing. We will have some of what you are having. On second thought, we are bulldogs. We have a lot of what you are having.

Me:        You bulldogs are on a special diet so you won’t have stomach or skin problems.

Stella:    Sounds like an excuse not to share your food with us.

Me:        More like a reason for you not to share your upset stomachs with us. No, thank you.

Stella:    Well, it’s unfair, but I can’t force you to share. I bet I know what I’ll be dreaming about tonight though. Food, glorious food, and the Big Cold Boxes it comes in.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Mine! Mine! Mine! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on by H.J. Hill

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, et cetera.

Me:        Hello, what?

Stella:    It means ‘and so forth and so on’.

Me:        I know what it means. Where did you learn that?

Stella:    The Picture Box had a bald man inside and he said it again and again. I liked the way he made it sound, so I claimed it. It is now mine.

Me:        I think you must have seen Yul Brynner. He was an actor.

Stella:    Well, he surely knew how to say ‘et cetera’. But that phrase is mine now.

Me:        You can’t just claim a phrase that everybody uses…

Stella:    Yes, I can. Mine. See! That simple.

Me:        You can’t declare some common words to be yours…

Stella:    Mine! Done!

Me:        You can say it all you wish, but you can’t keep others from saying it.

Stella:    Yes, I can!

Me:        Why?

Stella:    Because, you know…Queen. You have a short memory, Lady Human.

Me:        Oh, Stella.

Stella:    That’s my name. I claim that, too. Mine! Nobody else can be Stella.

Me:        I believe that there are a lot of Stellas out there who would dispute that.

Stella:    Dispute. Okay. That’s mine, too. Claimed! Done!

Me:        Language is to be shared, not hoarded.

Stella:    Not anymore. It’s mine, all mine. Except for some words that I don’t like. For example, the word “no”, the word “stop”, the word “down”, the word “enough”. There are others that I don’t favor, but I don’t remember all of them. For now, I am not claiming these. I am freezing them so that they cannot be used against me.

Me:        I think this queen thing has gone to your head.

Stella:    Being queen is not a thing. It is me. Who I am. After all, someone has to be in charge. And the humans don’t seem to be. Therefore, MINE!

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.