Stella: Lady Human! Who are those dogs on the Picture Box?
Me: That’s the Westminster Kennel Club Show. I recorded it.
Stella: Do they know that the green they are prancing around on is not real grass.
Me: They probably don’t care.
Stella: Someone will care if they go to the bathroom on it. Somebody’s going to be mad that their green carpet isn’t green anymore. Look! It’s a bulldog. Look! He threw up! Hahahahahahaha! This is a good show!
Me: Stella, that’s not funny. He was trying to make a good impression on the judge.
Stella: He made a good impression on me. He didn’t miss a step. True bulldog. Wait! Judge? There’s a judge? Like judges on the Picture Box who send humans to jail? Are they sending the dogs to jail? Noooo!
Me: Not that kind of judge. This show is a contest.
Stella: Like the Super Bowl?
Me: Sort of, but there is no physical contact. Thank God. I would hate to see how that would turn out.
Stella: Easy. Bulldogs win.
Me: Not necessarily. And there is no prize money at this dog show. The winner gets a ribbon or something and the honor of being named Best of Breed or Best of Show.
Stella: Why is that dog standing on a table? Is that a white-coat human?
Me: A vet? No, that is a judge, and not the jailing type judge. Each breed has set standards and that judge is checking the dog to see how well he meets those standards.
Stella: That’s mean, Lady Human. Comparing dogs based on how we look. We can’t help that, even though that one there is very good looking. I bet humans don’t have contests comparing their looks.
Me: Oh, you’d be surprised…
Stella: Don’t ever put me in one of those show-off shows, Lady Human.
Me: Don’t worry, Stella. I couldn’t if I wanted to.
Stella: What? Why not? Don’t you think I am pretty enough?
Me: It’s not that.
Stella: What? You think that I can’t run around fake green grass in circles like a silly nilly and smile and smile and tilt my head and be all like ‘aren’t I the cutest thing’?
Me: Oh, I know you can do that, especially the silly nilly part.
Stella: Then why?
Me: You are an Olde English Bulldogge.
Stella: I am Queen.
Me: Well, queen or not, ‘Oldies’ are not recognized by the American Kennel Club. Yet. That means you can’t even get into the contest.
Stella: What do you mean ‘not recognized’? LOOK AT ME! I AM THE BULLDOGGIEST BULLDOG EVER! How could they not recognize me?
Me: It’s hard to explain. It has to do with pedigree and bloodlines and paperwork.
Stella: Precisely why humans should not be judging dog shows. Dogs should.
Me: The dog shows are human events.
Stella: Like everything else. Phufff.
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