Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Walking with humans is difficult. They are clumsy and have trouble keeping up with us.
Transcriptionist: Hey! We are not clumsy.
Stella: Says the human who tripped over a little branch on the ground and let her nose hit the dirt.
Transcriptionist: Thanks for the sympathy, Stella.
Stella: You are welcome. Now for my walking rules:
Rule Number 1: Do not go for walks. Bulldogs hate them. We sometimes pretend to tolerate them to make the humans feel better. Bulldogs like to sit. Bulldogs like to nap. Stay sedentary, my friends.
Rule Number 2: Fight any effort by the humans to put a lead or a harness on you. Doodlebug has a neat move to get out of a lead. Just turn around quickly before the lead is tightened and duck your head. Voila´! (I heard one of the humans say that. I have no idea what it means, but he seemed excited.) Anyway, it works for Doodlebug. You can also wrestle with the harness, refuse to move your feet, or step in and out of the harness. Humans tend to give up easily. Bulldog tenacity wins.
Rule Number 3: If somehow the humans get a lead or harness on you, pull as hard as you can. They will expect this. Maybe. After all, we are bulldogs. Pull as though you are headed for a chicken and bacon festival. Pulling will tire the humans out and they will happily turn toward home.
Rule Number 4: When out on a walk, stop and sniff EVERYTHING. Humans expect this as normal dog behavior. It is part of the enjoyment of the ‘Great Outdoors’ as the humans call our wonderful bathroom. They say ‘stop and smell the roses’. Don’t waste your time. Ignore the roses. Stop and smell the evidence that other animals have left behind. It tells quite a story. And don’t forget to leave a calling card of your own so that everyone knows you have passed that way. It is our own form of history.
Rule Number 5: When you are tired, flop flat on your stomach. The human will not know how to handle this. It is a clear sign that you are done for the day.
Start with these guidelines, my dear bulldogs. Walk as seldom as possible. Fight every step of the way. Soon the humans will get the message and stop trying. Then let the relaxation begin.
Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.