Humans Are So Talented That They Are Scary – Conversations with Stella

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby issue this warning. Humans are scary! SCARY!

Me:        Stella, indoor voice, please!

Stella:    I have no indoor voice. I have only one voice – my voice. My big, bulldoggy voice.

Me:        Why are humans suddenly so scary to you?

Stella:    Not suddenly. For a long time now. Look at all the things you do. Driving rolling boxes at super fantastic speeds. Showing up on the Picture Box. Blowing things up.

Me:        When have I ever blown anything up?

Stella:    That big rubber ball in the yard. I saw you use that pumpy thing to blow it up.

Me:        Oh, that kind of blowing up. Yeah, I have pumped air into quite a few things in my time.

Stella:    You see! No bulldog could do that. We have enough air, but we can’t keep our lips tight for that long and we aren’t good with machinery. And by the way, the big rubber ball is terrifying.

Me:        The others seem to like it.

Stella:    The others are stupid. Never bump something with your nose that is double your height. What if it got mad? What if it started to chase you? What would you do?

Me:        A big rubber ball? I’d probably kick it.

Stella:    You see again? Human talent. Imagine a bulldog trying to do that.

Me:        But why scary? I’m not scary.

Stella:    What was that in your hand a few minutes ago?

Me:        Ummm. A spoon?

Stella:    Before that.

Me:        A bowl?

Stella:    Before that.

Me:        The TV remote?

Stella:    BEFORE THAT?

Me:        An automatic lighter?

Stella:    And what do you use that for?

Me:        I use it to light scented candles.

Stella:    And what does it do?

Me:        It strikes a small flame…

Stella:    FLAME! And what is another word for flame?

Me:        Fire?

Stella:    Bingo! And what is bingo?

Me:        Off topic.

Stella:    Okay. But do you see how scary that it? All a human has to do to start a fire is to pick up a lighter and press a button. SCARY. Do you know what a bulldog has to do to start a fire?

Me:        What?

Stella:    I HAVE NO IDEA!

Me:        If you did know how to start a fire, can you guess what I would say?

Stella:    What?

Me:        SCARY!



Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.



Humans and Their Chew Sticks – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! I don’t understand humans so I ask Lady Human when I see a human doing something silly or weird or foolish…

Me:        In other words, bulldoggy.

Stella:    Now let’s not be insulting, Lady Human.Being bulldoggy is so much more than that.

Me:        What silly or weird or foolish or bulldoggy thing did you witness a human doing?

Stella:    A man on the Picture Box had a big chew stick hanging out of his mouth and the stick was ON FIRE! Then I saw a man standing outside of a building and he had a small white chew stick hanging out of his mouth and IT WAS ON FIRE, TOO!

Me:        I think I can explain.

Stella:    I thought humans had common sense. Fire sticks burn. That is why you never let us around your fire pit when it is still hot. Miss Sweetie would do something silly or foolish…

Me:        Or bulldoggy.

Stella:    Oh, all right. Or bulldoggy. Like picking up a fire stick in her mouth. And then she would be all like “Ow! Ow! Ow!” and I’d be like, “Yeah, didn’t your good ole Aunt Stella tell you not to fool with those hot sticks, but you just had to anyway.”

Me:        Stella, I think I can explain what you saw.

Stella:    And that’s another thing. How are we supposed to behave when we see humans setting bad examples?

Me:        Those were not chew sticks in those men’s mouths. The big one was probably a cigar and the small white stick was probably a cigarette.

Stella:    And humans know that these sticks will catch fire?

Me:        The humans purposely light the sticks on fire.

Stella:    WHY? Their human muzzles are right there! They could burn their noses!

Me:        That seldom if ever happens. The sticks are made up of rolled up leaves called tobacco. And the humans who use them do so for some of the same reasons that dogs like to chew on sticks. It calms them a little. It’s a habit.

Stella:    Humans have a habit of lighting their chew sticks on fire?

Me:        No. Humans don’t really have chew sticks. Well, some people chew the tobacco instead of smoking it, but they aren’t sticks.

Stella:    And where do the humans get their not-for-chewing fire sticks?

Me:        They buy them at stores.

Stella:    If I need a good stick to calm me down, I use the one you gave me or I go pick one up from the yard. Simple. And I don’t set fire to it. That would just be…

Me:        Bulldoggy?

Stella:    I couldn’t have said it better myself.


Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.