Olde English Bulldogges – Page 3

Bulldog Ballet – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on March 28, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Doodlebug: And I am Doodlebug Dancing Dog. Please use my full name.

Miss Sweetie: Nope. It’s too long. I will keep calling you Doodle.

Me: He always makes me laugh when he does that. I just wish I knew when he was going to do it.

Stella: What? That prancing he does on his hind legs? That’s not dancing. That’s two-footed, tall dog begging. Haven’t you noticed, Lady Human?

Me: Noticed what?

Stella: He only does it when you have food in your hands. I thought humans were smart and observant. I guess I was wrong again.

Tiger: That’s nothing. Look what I can do. Spin. Spin. Spin. Now the other way. Spin. Spin. Spin.

Me: You two should start a ballet company. Toe dancers.

Wiggles: I can dance. Watch. MMMPH! UMMMPH! No, I can’t. Never mind.

Me: You can comma dance. More like tap dancing than ballet…

Wiggles: That makes me Wiggles Comma Dancer.

Tiger: What is my dancing name?

Stella: Tiger Twinkle Toes.

Tiger: How dare you!

Me: How about something that takes your spinning into account? Something like Tiger Torque Wrench.

Tiger: Yes, that is more dignified for a strong bulldog like me. Thank you, Lady Human.

Me: Miss Sweetie, do you want to dance?

Miss Sweetie: Mmmm, nope.

Me: It would be good exercise.

Miss Sweetie: I already exercise. Cat chasing. Couch jumping. Rampaging. Oh, and the most important exercise. Napping. Call me Sweetie Snooze Sleeper.

Stella: No one is going to buy a ticket to watch that.

Fun Times – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

Posted on March 26, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human and Wiggles went off together by themselves the other day. I have held my peace in patience UNTIL NOW! Where did you go? What did you do? Why were you gone so long?

Me: And why is any of this your business?

Stella: Everything having to do with the Pack is my business. I am the Queen. If someone is having fun, I need to know about it so that I can demand equal fun time for me.

Me: If you must know, Wiggles and I went to the vet the other day.

Stella: Wrong answer! Visits to the vet never take that long.

Me: They do when the vet is super busy. Wiggles, where did we go in the car?

Wiggles: To a place I have been before.

Me: I know. But what happened there?

Wiggles: Stuff.

Stella: I know what you were doing. You were eating ice cream and corny dogs.

Me: Wiggles, were we eating anything?

Wiggles: No, there was no eating. I kept waiting and then that nice lady said something about a treat and then nothing like that happened and I was sad.

Me: What did happen?

Wiggles: One nice lady poked something into my rear end. That was not a treat. And then another nice lady let a bug bite me.

Me: That was a rabies vaccination.

Wiggles: She should not have let that bite me.

Me: It’s not a bug. It’s a shot with a needle.

Wiggles: She caught me when I was not looking. Not fair.

Me: Okay, Stella, does that sound like lots of fun to you?

Stella: I’m still not sure what was going on. But I’m sure I smelled corny dog on Wiggles’ breath when she got back.

Bulldog Reveille – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on March 25, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is a dark and non-stormy night.

Me: Excuse me. It is 6 o’clock in the morning.

Stella: It is dark outside. Why is it dark outside? Where is the sun? Why did you wake me up at this unreasonable hour?

Me: I did not wake you up at this unreasonable hour. You woke me up.

Stella: Why did I wake you up at this unreasonable hour? Oh, I remember. Potty.

Doodlebug: Breakfast call! Breakfast call! Breakfast call!

Me: Okay, I hear you, Doodle.

Doodlebug: Breakfast call! Breakfast call! Breakfast call!

Me: All right, Doodle! I hear you!

Doodlebug: Breakfast call! Breakfast…

Stella: Potty call comes first! Coming through! Running out!

Me: Here’s your breakfast. And your breakfast. And your breakfast. And your breakfast. And Stella’s breakfast.

Tiger: Why are we eating in the dark?

Me: Ask Stella and Doodlebug.

Tiger: Doodle, why did call breakfast so early?

Doodlebug: My stomach said it was the right thing to do.

Miss Sweetie: But I don’t want to potty in the dark.

Me: Then just run outside and run back in. The outside light is on.

Wiggles: It’s no different than pottying in the sun, Sweetie. The landmarks are all the same.

Tiger: Doodlebug should not be calling breakfast. I should be.

Wiggles: If we waited for that, Tiger, we would never have breakfast.

Doodlebug: Besides, my voice is bigger because my head is bigger.

Me: Doodle, do you realize that about 2 weeks ago, it would have been 5 o’clock in the morning right now instead of 6 a.m.?

Doodlebug: No.

Me: What I mean is you are going the wrong way. Breakfast is getting earlier and earlier.

Doodlebug: Earlier breakfast. That doesn’t sound wrong to me.

Where Did My Hair Get Off To? – Conversations with Stella and Wiggles

Posted on March 23, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, you need to give Wiggles some of your clothes.

Me: Why?

Stella: She is running around naked.

Me: Technically, so are you. So are all of you.

Stella: Nonsense. I am covered with hair. I am never naked. That is my natural state. But just look at Wiggles. She is naked on both sides.

Me: Yeah, she’s blown her coat again. That happens about once a year with her. A good number of dogs blow their coats going from winter into spring. Her coat is a lot thinner than yours so when she loses hair, her skin shows through.

Wiggles: Where did my hair get off to?

Me: Check the ground.

Wiggles: Please sweep it up and stick it back on, Lady Human. Stella keeps calling me naked like that’s something bad. Is that bad?

Me: Well, you’re only missing some hair on your sides. It’s growing back in.

Wiggles: My sides do feel a little breezy when the wind blows. Maybe I should go naked all the time, especially in the hot season.

Stella: NOOOO!!! Nobody wants to see that! Cover it up! Cover it up! Somebody, find my sweater!

Ice Bath – Conversations with Stella and Miss Sweetie

Posted on March 21, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Miss Sweetie is a beloved member of our pack. She is an idiot.

Miss Sweetie: I love you, too, Aunt Stella.

Me: Sweetie is not an idiot. She’s a little…quirky…sometimes. And at other times, she is scary smart.

Stella: Would that be when she sits in the puppy pool full of rainwater on a morning when the temperature was…what was the temperature this morning, Lady Human?

Me: 48 degrees Fahrenheit.

Stella: 48 degrees fah…blah…blah…whatever that means. Bottom line, it was a trifle cool this morning to go for a swim.

Me: It was chilly, Sweetie. I was surprised to see you try it.

Miss Sweetie: The trees are green. The birds are singing. The sky is clear. Aunt Stella says that means winter is over. That means SWIMMING WEATHER!

Me: Swimming weather may take a while longer to arrive. Didn’t you find the water in the puppy pool a little too cold for comfort?

Miss Sweetie: Now that you mention it, I sat down in it and it was not comfortable, so I stood up and then my feetsies got cold, so I stepped out of it.

Stella: In short, it was too cold to get in the puppy pool which all the rest of us seemed to know.

Me: I have dumped out the rainwater, so it won’t be a temptation.

Miss Sweetie: No! How will I swim?

Stella: Sweetie, you can’t swim in the puppy pool. It’s not swimming weather yet.

Miss Sweetie: They are my feetsies. If I want to ice my own toes, my business.

Stella: Do you see, Lady Human? Now you understand what we are dealing with.

Finders Keepers – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on March 19, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has lost something. She shows all the classic human signs. She picks up stuff and puts stuff down again. She keeps circling the same areas, looking, looking. This has been going on for hours. I wish I could help. What are you searching for, Lady Human?

Me: Oh, those toenail clippers I was using on y’all the other day.

Stella: I am sorry that I asked. I wish you all the failure in the world.

Me: Well, that’s rude. I had them right here and I have no idea where I put them. Wait. One of the bulldogs didn’t carry them off, did they?

Stella: I don’t know. Did they? How would I know? What do I look like? Their queen?

Me: I understand that you all don’t like getting your nails trimmed.

Stella: Don’t like? Mild language indeed.

Me: I’ll check in the yard. Maybe Wiggles sneaked out with them.

Stella: Pssst! Hey, Wiggles, did you snatch the nail cutters?

Wiggles: Mmmm. What do they taste like?

Stella: If you see them, grab them. The longer they stay missing, the longer we are free from nail chopping.

Me: Never mind. No worries. Tall Man found them under a cushion on the couch. Wonder how they ended up there.

Stella: Awww.

Miss Sweetie: Sorry, Aunt Stella. I tried. I’m not that good at hide and seek nail clippers.

3 Reasons Why This Saturday is Crappy – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 17, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is a crappy Saturday. Here are the reasons why:

It is raining…again. We have already had rain this year. Someone needs to cancel the order. We don’t need any more.
Today was Toenail Trimming Day, the worst day known to bulldogs, or any dogs, for that matter.
The cat is even weirder than usual. She has taken to wearing a bizarre collar and she looks like a sea monster.

There! My list is complete. The End.

Me: Hello. I have a few reasons why this Saturday is not crappy at all.

Yes, there has been a lot of rain thus far this year, but we will be glad of it come summer, so, no, we will not be cancelling any “order” for rain.
Toenail Trimming Day is far more trying for the humans in your lives than for you. With more cooperation from the bulldogs, it might turn into a fun event.
Moon the Cat is wearing a protective collar to keep her from licking and exacerbating her itchy skin condition and, if anyone should be able to commiserate with itchy skin conditions, it should be a bulldog. She is not “weirder than usual” and you all have been very rude to her today.

Stella: Rude to a cat? Impossible! And as for Toenail Trimming Day, why don’t you try it sometime, Lady Human? You let someone cut your nails and tell me how you feel then.

Me: I have to trim my fingernails all the time. If I don’t, they interfere with my work. And I certainly don’t whine about it the way you all do.

Stella: Whine? Whine, you say? No bulldog has ever been known to whine in the history of…well…bulldogs. Dignified complainers. That’s what we are. And please see to it that Sunday turns out to be less crappy than Saturday has been.

Best Friends Are Hard to Replace – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 16, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Complaint!

Me: I’ll bet I know what it is, too. From the look on your face and the pffft sound from your mouth.

Stella: Why, oh why?

Me: Why is the cat on my lap?

Stella: No. My question is why is the cat on your lap all the time?

Me: I think she wants some extra comfort, companionship.

Stella: She can get that from across the room like normal.

Me: She’s not feeling normal just now.

Stella: She didn’t do that before Snoopey…oh.

Me: For whatever reason, she and Snoopey were best friends.

Stella: Well, that’s simply weird. Weird of Snoopey and weird of the cat. I never did understand that. Think about it. Cat. Self-explanatory. That says it all. And then bulldog. Everybody knows what that means. And one thing it doesn’t mean is friendship with cats.

Me: And still, there it was. Who else did Snoopey ever allow into her crate with her?

Stella: That’s easy. Nobody, because nobody else would fit in there with her. We are all bulldogs, remember?

Me: I never forget. Okay, who else other than the cat did Snoopey ever have a full-blown conversation with?

Stella: You.

Me: Yeah. That’s true. Not that we understood each other well, but we did talk. A lot.

Stella: So you don’t mind that Moon the Cat is climbing onto your lap all the time. It’s fine with you.

Me: It’s all right. I understand why.

Stella: It’s not all right with me! It’s really ticking me off!

Me: Maybe you could consider becoming her new best friend.

Stella: Lady Human! I’m surprised at you! What ugly talk! I just want things to go back to normal, when bulldogs were bulldogs and Moon the Cat was her old arrogant, stand-offish, snooty self.

Down the Short Hall – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 14, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Wait while I run down this little hall.

Me: You’ve been going down there every day. You used to ignore it.

Stella: I have to check.

Me: Oh, because Snoopey ran down that hall every morning to avoid having to pass by Tiger?

Stella: What if she is in the front room, waiting to come through the kitchen, like she did almost every morning? I have to check.

Me: Stella, baby, she’s not in there.

Stella: But she could be. You would always open the kitchen door and she would run in and she and Tiger could start the morning in peace.

Me: She’s not there.

Stella: No. She’s not here. You think I am silly.

Me: Not at all. The first two mornings after she passed, I opened the kitchen door myself. It was too hard to believe that she wouldn’t be coming through it.

Stella: It still smells like her a little. Not as much as before.

Me: That’s to be expected. Come on, girl.

Stella: It smells like somebody else, too. Yep.

Me: Nobody comes in here but me and Tall Man.

Stella: Wiggles. Definitely.

Me: Are you sure?

Stella: Yep. This is Wiggles’ second bathroom.

Me: Oh, no, you’re kidding. Third, if you count outside. Maybe fourth, if you count the cleaning rag box.

Stella: Wow, Wiggles gets around.

Me: Let’s go back in the other room.

Stella: I won’t visit down here again looking for you, Snoopey, but I won’t forget you. If there’s a kitchen door where you are, wait for us there.

When Humans Let Cats Rule – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 12, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am witnessing the most ridiculous scene of the last one hundred years, at least since yesterday.

Me: One hundred years? We truly have to work on your sense of time.

Stella: Hey, I’m not the one who changed all the clocks and then complained about it. My stomach clock is still on Stella time. Doodlebug got up an extra hour early on his own. If you noticed, I didn’t budge.

Me: I did notice. What is so ridiculous?

Stella: You. The way you are sitting. The way you are letting the cat rule the roost. And she isn’t even a chicken.

Me: I’m just allowing her a little bit to wake up from her nap.

Stella: She is taking up most of your chair, Lady Human. YOUR CHAIR! NOT HER CHAIR! YOUR CHAIR! You are sitting on the edge of YOUR CHAIR, need I repeat it.

Me: No, you need not. She’ll get up in a minute.

Stella: This is what results from humans cutting cats too much slack. I’ve never seen so much slack in my life. Just look at her, all slacky and stretched out and slinky and catlike. Yuck.

Me: She’ll move.

Stella: Famous first words.

Me: The expression is ‘Famous last words’.

Stella: Exactly. First words become last words and the cat is still there. Give a cat an inch and she’ll take over your chair. Another human saying.

Me: Not exactly.

Stella: Well, it should be. When humans let cats rule, no chair is safe.

Itchy Spots We Can’t Reach – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 10, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Scratch my back!

Me: Okay.

Stella: No, over there. No, over here. Now this spot. Don’t stop.

Me: Move in closer.

Stella: You move in closer.

Me: Hey, I’ve got the fingernails that can reach anywhere, but I’m not putting my arm out of joint.

Stella: Hey, I’ve got the itchies that can reach anywhere, but I’m already sitting over here.

Me: Hold on.

Stella: What are you doing?

Me: All this scratching is making me itchy. I can’t reach down the center of my back either.

Stella: You’re funny. You look like a bear rubbing against a tree.

Me: A door frame makes a good back scratcher if nothing else is handy.

Stella: Not so much if you’re shaped like a bulldog. Now get back to work using your fingers for what they were made for – scratching my unreachable itchies.

Wait? – What Does That Even Mean? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 9, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Humans do not mean what they say, nor do they say what they mean. It is an age-old problem. I should know. I am ages old.

Me: What? Just how old do you think you are?

Stella: Humans say that you are as old as you feel. Today I feel 1,456 years old.

Me: Very interesting. So you weren’t born in this century. I thought you said that humans do not mean what we say or say what we mean. It’s beginning to sound as though you have that problem, too. I guarantee you that you are not over a thousand years old.

Stella: Strange words coming from you, Lady Human. You have no sense of time.

Me: I think my sense of time is…

Stella: Who wakes the household every morning at the same time? Give or take a few of what you all call ‘minutes’.

Me: Doodlebug.

Stella: His stomach works like the toy you call a ‘clock’. Humans have entirely too many toys. Maybe Doodlebug swallowed one.

Me: Nope. His digestive system operates on a schedule.

Stella: What I need right now is to go outside and potty…

Me: Hold on. Wait a couple of minutes until I finish this.

Stella: A couple? What is a couple?

Me: More like 5 minutes. Wait 5 minutes.

Stella: Okay. One…two…three…four…five. Five minutes is up.

Me: That was only a five count, not five minutes.

Stella: Humans always say ‘wait’. It must be your most important, most favoritest word.

Me: Favoritest is not a word.

Stella: It is now. And now is now! And I have to go potty now! Not 5 minutes from now! Now!

Me: Oh, okay then. Why didn’t you say so?

Stella: I did. Unlike humans, I say what I mean and mean what I say as you almost found out.

Happy Homecoming – Conversations with Stella

Posted on March 6, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bored!

Me: Why? This is a special day!

Stella: I see nothing special. I hear nothing special. I smell nothing special. Most of all, I taste nothing special.

Me: Today is the 3^rd anniversary of the day you came home to us.

Stella: Anniversary? Is that one of those cake days?

Me: Well, it can be, but I don’t have a cake today.

Stella: Why ever not?

Me: Extra calories. You know.

Stella: No, I don’t. I have never had extra calories, whatever those are, but they sound delicious.

Me: Yeah, they usually are. What is special about today is not cake or party hats…

Stella: You have a party hat for me?

Me: Well, yes. This one.

Stella: Now I remember. I don’t like party hats. Without cake or party hats, how can this day be that special?

Me: Because, on this day three years ago, I received an answer to prayer.

Stella: The Great Creator answered you and you knew it?

Me: No, He answered me, and I did not know it. I did not recognize an answered prayer when you were staring me right in the face. All I saw was this big, smoosh-faced bulldog and I had not asked for a bulldog. I had asked for a small, pointy-nosed, brown and white dog that I could help. I thought it was all a mistake.

Stella: The Great Creator does not make mistakes.

Me: Did you think that coming here was a mistake?

Stella: Yes, so I pooped on the floor at your feet just to see.

Me: Oh, I remember that. That’s the first thing you did after you got here.

Stella: And you cleaned it up and you didn’t yell at me. And you looked a little tired. And then I thought maybe these people won’t be so bad. I was the dog you could help, only not so small and not pointy-nosed. But brown and white. After all, He doesn’t forget details.

Hey! Missing Chew Stick! Come Here! – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on March 4, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. My favorite chew stick is missing! Who has it? I demand that you bring it back now! If you do, I will forego my royal wrath.

Tiger: Royal wrath? Is that like you getting all mad? Haha!

Stella: Where is my chew stick?

Tiger: Don’t know. Don’t care. Why would I chew on your stick after it has been in your mouth?

Stella: Where is my chew stick?

Wiggles: Have you looked…

Stella: Yes.

Wiggles: How about over by…

Stella: YES.

Wiggles: What about…

Stella: YES!!!

Wiggles: Have you asked the chickens? I have been eating their leftovers. Maybe they ate your stick.

Stella: Doodlebug, did you take it? You have a giant mouth. Are you hiding it in there? I will forgive you if you have it.

Doodlebug: Would you let me keep it?

Stella: NO!

Doodlebug: Then no, I did not take it.

Miss Sweetie: Aunt Stella, I know where it is.

Stella: I can’t believe it is missing. I have looked everywhere.

Miss Sweetie: Aunt Stella, I know where it is. My nose is talking to me.

Stella: I had it earlier today.

Miss Sweetie: Aunt Stella…

Me: I’d listen to her, Stella. I think she’s on to something.

Miss Sweetie: It’s in your day bed.

Stella: I looked there! See! I turned around and around and around.

Me: How many times has she turned around, Sweetie? Let’s count. Five, six, seven, eight…

Miss Sweetie: I can’t count that high.

Me: Stella, settle down. You’ve buried it in your blanket.

Stella: I look, and I turn, and I scratch, and I look, and I turn, and I scratch.

Me: There!

Stella: Give it back, blanket! Mine! Finally! Having to wrestle my own blanket for my own chew stick! The world is a crazy place!

Me: Yeah, I’m exhausted.

Stella: Now where is my new softie toy?

Make Me Laugh – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 24, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. We are shy one voice in the pack. I miss Snoopey.

Me: As do I. Please. Make me laugh.

Stella: That’s not my job. I don’t take orders from you. I am a bulldog. What would Snoopey say if she heard you?

Me: She would sit with a very dignified air and flat ignore me.

Stella: Exactly. And what do I look like? A human funny person?

Me: A comedienne?

Stella Yes. No. Maybe. Have you seen Wiggles?

Me: Yeah, a while ago.

Stella: Have you seen Wiggles lately?

Me: Okay, what’s going on?

Stella: She stole a bag of trash and she is running around the house, carrying it in her mouth like it’s some kind of prize.

Me: Uh-oh. Where is she now?

Stella: Who knows? Who cares?

Me: Let me get Wiggles outside to run off some energy.

Stella: Happy hunting!

Me: She’s out now. What were we talking about?

Stella: You were ordering me to be funny for your own amusement. How rude!

Me: I just thought we could use a laugh.

Stella: Is that all we are good for? Laughs? Oh, and you’d better check on Wiggles again.

Me: What now?

Stella: She is digging up chicken feed by the chicken run. And look! The chickens are all lined up in a straight row, watching her. They look angry.

Me: They look like chickens always do.

Stella: Yep. Chickens with their angry pointy faces. I know what would make you laugh! Let the chickens out so they can chase Wiggles around. That would be hilarious!

Me: Not for long. What about when Wiggles realizes that she is being chased by chickens and turns around?

Stella: Wiggles? Realize? Chickens? Can you imagine that happening?

Me: Yes. No. Maybe. Chickens chasing a bulldog. I would like to see that one time.

Stella: Ah, there’s a smile. Not a laugh, but the next best thing. We’ll keep trying.

The Growling Sky – Conversations with Stella, Snoopey, and Tiger

Posted on February 22, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I was outside during a rain break, minding my own business when, for no reason at all, the sky growled at me. GROWLED! AT ME! Sweet little Stella who never bothers anybody, well, except for squirrels and cats.

Me: The sky did not growl at you. That was thunder.

Stella: Did you hear?

Me: Yes. The sky doesn’t growl at anybody.

Stella: It did at me. So, guess what? I growled back. And then it growled at me again. So, guess what?

Me: What?

Stella: I ran away. I ran straight to the back door. And you let me in. And I ran straight into my crate, so the sky couldn’t get me. I am so embarrassed. I am a coward.

Tiger: You are not a coward, Stella. You are just stupid, that’s all.

Stella: How rude!

Tiger: Which would you prefer? To be called a coward or stupid?

Stella: I don’t really have a preference, thank you!

Snoopey: Don’t listen to Tiger, the bulldog who’s afraid of the dark.

Tiger: Hey!

Snoopey: It’s true. How many times does Lady Human offer to let you outside and the second that you see it’s night, you balk and run back to your bed.

Tiger: So says the one who won’t set foot outside if rain is so much as dripping from the roof or the trees. It’s not even rain anymore. It’s merely water. What are you afraid of, Snoopey? Melting?

Snoopey: Yes, actually.

Stella: Snoopey is afraid of falling water. Tiger is afraid of nighttime. I am afraid of the growling sky. All told, my fear is the only one that’s real.

Me: Oh, the fear is real, the threat not so much.

Stella: When the sky is angry, it is no threat?

Me: Yeah, it can be. Thunder means lightning has struck nearby.

Stella: Lightning? The blue light!

Me: Untamed electricity.

Stella: The sky does have fingers then. It did try to grab me. Good news! I was right. The sky does growl. I’m a smart coward.

Puddle Jumpin’ – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on February 21, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Tiny lakes are blocking our path back into the house.

Me: They are just puddles. Let’s get back in. Rain is starting again in…2 minutes. Maybe. Sometimes they’re pinpoint accurate on these predictions. Sometimes, not so much.

Doodlebug: Me first. One…two…three…jump! Woo-hoo!

Me: Well done, Doodle!

Tiger: Me next! Lope…lope…leap! They said I’d never do that again!

Me: And look at you now. Well done!

Wiggles: I can do it! Watch me! Run! Run! Run! Run through the brush and around the other side and… Yay!

Me: That’s one way to do it. Go on in and get your snack. We’re up against a deadline here. Well done.

Miss Sweetie: I can do it, Lady Human. Watch me! Watch me! Run…skip…jump…and there!

Stella: You made quite a splash, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie: What happened? My feet are all muddy. I am standing in water. That wasn’t supposed to happen.

Me: It’s all right, Sweetie. Not all of us are hurdlers. Go on in and get your treat. Times a’wastin. Who’s next?

Stella: Snoopey! Snoopey’s next!

Me: Okay, girl.

Snoopey: If I hadn’t come out here to pee, this would not have happened.

Me: Snoopey, I know how much you hate coming out when it’s wet. You can run on in. You don’t have to jump.

Snoopey: I can do this. I can do this. I can run and jump…

Me: You see! You did it! Your hind feet barely touched the water! Well done! Go on in and get your treat.

Snoopey: And dry my feet.

Me: That too. And now, Stella, let’s go. No time left. The new rain is upon us.

Stella: Carry me so that my pretty little feet don’t get any wetter.

Me: Honey, I’m sorry. I can’t pick up 50 pounds. I could edge you forward, but you are going to have to do some of the work.

Stella: Work? You can’t be serious.

Me: Did you feel that?

Stella: Sky water?

Me: Yep. Decision time.

Stella: Oh. All right. Here I go. Run…run…splash…splash…Aww….

Me: Good girl! Well done! You got across!

Stella: Not so well done. My feet are wet and cold. I didn’t make a good landing.

Me: That’s what a warm house and a soft dry bed and treats are for. Forget this. Let’s go on in.

Stella: Will it be dry tomorrow?

Me: According to the weather people, no.

Stella: What good is it to live in a hot, dry country when it is cold and wet all the time?

Me: I’ll ask you a similar question during the summer when you complain about being hot and dry.

Never Let a Friend Stand in the Rain Alone – Conversations with Stella and the Pack

Posted on February 19, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. It is raining. It has been raining a lot lately. Announcement: I do not potty in the rain.

Snoopey: Me either.

Tiger: Me neither.

Miss Sweetie: Why is Lady Human standing outside in the rain?

Wiggles: Maybe she is taking a shower. Use rain. Save water and what the humans keep calling ‘money’.

Stella: Lady Human is a human lady. She does not take baths outside. I don’t understand why. It seems to be a thing with humans to bathe indoors.

Me: Come on, y’all.

Doodlebug: She is calling us to go stand in the rain with her. Is that a good idea? I don’t think so.

Stella: No! Did you hear that big kaboom? I don’t go out when the kabooms are going off.

Tiger: Why is she standing out there? I thought humans were smart.

Me: C’mon. It’s not raining that hard yet.

Stella: What does she call ‘hard’?

Snoopey: Should we just stand here like this? Shouldn’t we go outside and stand with her?

Doodlebug: So we can get wet?

Wiggles: She just wants us to go to the bathroom, so we can be comfortable.

Miss Sweetie: I am going to stand with her. She should not be out there by herself.

Snoopey: I would go, but I am afraid the rain will make me melt.

Tiger: I will wait for the sky to stop spitting.

Doodlebug: I am going to take a nap. Dry.

Wiggles: I am going out with you, Sweetie. Nobody should stand in the rain alone.

Stella: Oh, very well. I’ll go, too. If someone is willing to stand in the rain for me, I should be willing to stand in the rain for them. Hurry. Let’s run between the raindrops.

Me: Okay. Well, if you are coming out, I’m going in.

Stella: No! Traitor! You fooled us! What about camaraderie?

Me: Camaraderie? Are you kidding? It’s raining!

Mud Baths – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 17, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me: I have a question.

Stella: Interruptions, interruptions. Constant human disruptions.

Me: Have you gotten into rhymes?

Stella: I haven’t gotten into anything today except mud, which, by the way, I would appreciate you cleaning up.

Me: Wash your feet? Sure, I can…

Stella: No, I took care of my own feet, thank you very much. I mean I would appreciate you cleaning up the mud outside.

Me: I think that is a little outside my abilities. We will just wait for the dry air and the sun to do their jobs.

Stella: I ask for a simple favor and what do I get? Nothing. Typical.

Me: You want me, little old me, to clean up all the mud outside?

Stella: Well put. Of course, you are not THAT little, Lady Human.

Me: The whole ground is made up of dirt. You add water like the rain we had this morning. Result? Mud.

Stella: Let me see if I understand. Rain, also known as sky water, plus dirt, also known as…dirt, equals mud, also known as yucky dirt.

Me: That’s about it.

Stella: And you are a human and can, therefore, do anything, yet you refuse to do a small thing like clean up the muddy mess outside.

Me: Let’s go back over the whole human thing. Humans cannot…I repeat for the umpteenth time, CANNOT do just anything, period.

Stella: Nonsense. I see you do the most extraordinary things all the time. What is a little mud?

Me: How do you expect me to dry up mud instantly?

Stella: Simple. Use your big human mouth to blow the dirt dry.

Me: I thought you bulldogs were the ones with the big mouths.

Stella: Now you are just being insulting. We would never waste our breath on such a dirty job.

Why Must Humans Sing? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 16, 2018 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have complained about this before.

Me: Enlighten me. There are so many things that fall in that category.

Stella: Human singing. I asked for ear plugs to protect against chicken squawking, but they will work against human singing, too. By the way, I have not seen those ear plugs yet. Hint. Hint.

Me: I’m not turning ear plugs over to a bulldog. They would turn into a snack and then a problem.

Stella: How am I to protect my precious cute little ears from human singing then?

Me: Are you complaining about the old musical that is playing right now? Because that is the only human singing going on. I am not singing.

Stella: And for that, Lady Human, we are all grateful. But right now, I mean the humans singing on the Picture Box.

Me: They sing beautifully. How can you not like…?

Stella: Do you have dog ears? Can you hear what we hear? All those high notes assaulting us?

Me: I do like musicals. You can retreat to the other room if the sounds are bothering you.

Stella: Why can’t we just turn it off? Why must humans sing at all?

Me: Music is a gift from the LORD. We should enjoy it. It is part of our lives.

Stella: Life is good. The Great Creator is good. His gifts are good. If you would just tone it down a little bit, especially during nap time.

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