Bulldoggy

Don’t Push My Buttons – Stella’s Open Letter to the Pack

Posted on February 17, 2017 by H.J. Hill

To My Pack (and that includes you, Lady Human and Tall Man):

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Now hear this!

Be it Known: Fair Warning: You are pushing my buttons. STOP IT!

Transcriptionist: What are your buttons, Stella?

Stella: Well, they are not these little buttons on my belly because when I push them, nothing happens. My real buttons WHICH YOU ALL ARE PUSHING are as follows:

When I am taking a nap in my crate, DON’T VISIT! Don’t come walking by, pushing your smooshy faces up against mine. RUDE!

Another button: Keep your smooshy faces and slobbery mouths off my toys. What part of MINE do you all not understand?

Transcriptionist: Tall Man and I don’t do those things. Why have we been included in your warning?

Stella: Button Number 3: Transcriptionists must be SILENT! Therefore, SILENCE! Consider my button pushed.

Transcriptionist: You don’t have buttons, Stella. You are just feeling grumpy.

Stella: Button Number 4: Don’t question my buttons.

The Giant Floating Enemy – Conversations with Stell

Posted on February 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Shhhh! Everybody stay down! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am warning you. The human known to us as Tall Man was followed into the house by a Giant Floating Enemy. He does not appear to be aware of the danger. No! Now he is handing a string to Lady Human and the Giant Floating Enemy is floating in her direction. LADY HUMAN, WATCH OUT!

Me: Watch out for what? Nothing’s going on.

Stella: That! That! That…thing!

Me: This is a balloon. Tall Man gave it to me for Valentine’s Day. Isn’t it cute?

Stella: No! It is big! It is weird! IT IS FLOATING!

Me: It’s cool! There is a gas inside of it that is lighter than the air out here so it floats.

Stella: IT HAS GAS! NO! THAT’S HORRIBLE! EVERYONE, COVER YOUR NOSES!

Me: Not that kind of gas, Stella. After all, it is not a bulldog.

Stella: What is it supposed to be?

Me: It is a balloon. A type of toy. It is shaped like a cartoon bear.

Stella: Where did it come from? Outer space?

Me: It’s man-made.

Stella: Why do humans keep coming up with these scary things? Did the bears say it was all right to make them look like that?

Me: It’s cute. We like fun, cute things, especially around holidays.

Stella: You had another holiday? Is that all that people do? One holiday right after another? Another excuse to bring strange things into the house?

Me: Our idea of fun is different than yours.

Stella: So, this balloon – can you eat it?

Me: No.

Stella: Can you sleep on it?

Me: No, not really.

Stella: Can you chew it?

Me: No, not a good idea.

Stella: A giant bag of gas is floating through the house, scaring everybody, but no one can eat it, sleep on it, chew on it, or really play with it, and the humans made this on purpose.

Me: Well, that makes it sound kind of stupid.

Stella: Lady Human, enough said.

Don’t Show Off! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 14, 2017February 14, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Lady Human! Who are those dogs on the Picture Box?

Me: That’s the Westminster Kennel Club Show. I recorded it.

Stella: Do they know that the green they are prancing around on is not real grass.

Me: They probably don’t care.

Stella: Someone will care if they go to the bathroom on it. Somebody’s going to be mad that their green carpet isn’t green anymore. Look! It’s a bulldog. Look! He threw up! Hahahahahahaha! This is a good show!

Me: Stella, that’s not funny. He was trying to make a good impression on the judge.

Stella: He made a good impression on me. He didn’t miss a step. True bulldog. Wait! Judge? There’s a judge? Like judges on the Picture Box who send humans to jail? Are they sending the dogs to jail? Noooo!

Me: Not that kind of judge. This show is a contest.

Stella: Like the Super Bowl?

Me: Sort of, but there is no physical contact. Thank God. I would hate to see how that would turn out.

Stella: Easy. Bulldogs win.

Me: Not necessarily. And there is no prize money at this dog show. The winner gets a ribbon or something and the honor of being named Best of Breed or Best of Show.

Stella: Why is that dog standing on a table? Is that a white-coat human?

Me: A vet? No, that is a judge, and not the jailing type judge. Each breed has set standards and that judge is checking the dog to see how well he meets those standards.

Stella: That’s mean, Lady Human. Comparing dogs based on how we look. We can’t help that, even though that one there is very good looking. I bet humans don’t have contests comparing their looks.

Me: Oh, you’d be surprised…

Stella: Don’t ever put me in one of those show-off shows, Lady Human.

Me: Don’t worry, Stella. I couldn’t if I wanted to.

Stella: What? Why not? Don’t you think I am pretty enough?

Me: It’s not that.

Stella: What? You think that I can’t run around fake green grass in circles like a silly nilly and smile and smile and tilt my head and be all like ‘aren’t I the cutest thing’?

Me: Oh, I know you can do that, especially the silly nilly part.

Stella: Then why?

Me: You are an Olde English Bulldogge.

Stella: I am Queen.

Me: Well, queen or not, ‘Oldies’ are not recognized by the American Kennel Club. Yet. That means you can’t even get into the contest.

Stella: What do you mean ‘not recognized’? LOOK AT ME! I AM THE BULLDOGGIEST BULLDOG EVER! How could they not recognize me?

Me: It’s hard to explain. It has to do with pedigree and bloodlines and paperwork.

Stella: Precisely why humans should not be judging dog shows. Dogs should.

Me: The dog shows are human events.

Stella: Like everything else. Phufff.

What is Friday and Why Do The Humans Go Crazy Over It? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 10, 2017February 10, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello, humans and everyone else! It is Friday. So what? The humans seem to put a great deal of stock in this day every week. Why? Is this just another silly human tradition? Today looked like any other day to me, except that Lady Human made a special trip out to get cat food.

Me: You weren’t upset when I make a special trip to pick up your food.

Stella: Of course not. That is necessary. But cat food? Why can’t the cat eat our food, not that I am giving any of our food away, but really? A special food for cats? Why couldn’t you have picked hers up at the same time you picked ours up?

Me: Are you truly so concerned with efficiency? Making one trip instead of two?

Stella: No. I don’t care, except I don’t like it when you go off on errands and we have to stay at home.

Me: Every time I come home, all I hear when I open the door is bulldog snoring. It’s not as though you are sitting there waiting for me.

Stella: It is called ‘using time wisely’. Why stare at a wall when you can get a good nap in?

Me: To answer your question, I have to go to a different place entirely to pick up the cat’s food. She has a sensitive stomach and can’t eat just any old thing.

Stella: Of course she can! We have sensitive stomachs and you don’t see us holding back. We eat any old thing we find outside. Found food is the best kind. But…

Me: But?

Stella: Friday.

Me: Friday?

Stella: The humans make such a big deal about Friday. What is Friday?

Me: Friday is the last workday of the week for many humans. Then the two-day weekend starts.

Stella: So? Every day is the same. Giving a day a name doesn’t make it special. Just like you giving the cat a name doesn’t change her into a dog.

Me: Friday has a special feel to it for people who don’t work on Saturday and Sunday. Lot of humans go out to eat or go to a movie or visit friends, stuff like that. Others just chill out. Evening is the beginning of Sabbath when some gather with family and friends to worship and to consider the things of God.

Stella: And you go to buy special cat food. That is sad, Lady Human, really sad. You could at least buy bulldog treats or something useful like that instead.

Humans Are So Talented That They Are Scary – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 9, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby issue this warning. Humans are scary! SCARY!

Me: Stella, indoor voice, please!

Stella: I have no indoor voice. I have only one voice – my voice. My big, bulldoggy voice.

Me: Why are humans suddenly so scary to you?

Stella: Not suddenly. For a long time now. Look at all the things you do. Driving rolling boxes at super fantastic speeds. Showing up on the Picture Box. Blowing things up.

Me: When have I ever blown anything up?

Stella: That big rubber ball in the yard. I saw you use that pumpy thing to blow it up.

Me: Oh, that kind of blowing up. Yeah, I have pumped air into quite a few things in my time.

Stella: You see! No bulldog could do that. We have enough air, but we can’t keep our lips tight for that long and we aren’t good with machinery. And by the way, the big rubber ball is terrifying.

Me: The others seem to like it.

Stella: The others are stupid. Never bump something with your nose that is double your height. What if it got mad? What if it started to chase you? What would you do?

Me: A big rubber ball? I’d probably kick it.

Stella: You see again? Human talent. Imagine a bulldog trying to do that.

Me: But why scary? I’m not scary.

Stella: What was that in your hand a few minutes ago?

Me: Ummm. A spoon?

Stella: Before that.

Me: A bowl?

Stella: Before that.

Me: The TV remote?

Stella: BEFORE THAT?

Me: An automatic lighter?

Stella: And what do you use that for?

Me: I use it to light scented candles.

Stella: And what does it do?

Me: It strikes a small flame…

Stella: FLAME! And what is another word for flame?

Me: Fire?

Stella: Bingo! And what is bingo?

Me: Off topic.

Stella: Okay. But do you see how scary that it? All a human has to do to start a fire is to pick up a lighter and press a button. SCARY. Do you know what a bulldog has to do to start a fire?

Me: What?

Stella: I HAVE NO IDEA!

Me: If you did know how to start a fire, can you guess what I would say?

Stella: What?

Me: SCARY!

When Stressed, Chew on a Dinosaur – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 8, 2017February 8, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, the Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but none of that matters right now. I am stressed out; therefore, I am chewing on a dinosaur that Lady Human gave me. There is nothing like chewing on a dinosaur to take your mind off your problems.

Me: And what problems are those, Stella?

Stella: The neighbor’s dogs barked most of the afternoon. So, of course, we barked. Someone (I assume they were human) kept coming by, probably to sell stuff. Sirens kept going off in the distance. And you were nowhere to be found, Lady Human. Nowhere. To. Be. Found. Whyyyy?

Me: I was running household errands. They don’t run themselves.

Stella: Why ever not?

Me: Physical things must be purchased and picked up physically. Not all things can be done online.

Stella: Now you are talking nonsense. What is ‘online’? Is that even a place? Why must things be picked up ‘physically’. Why can’t those people who come by selling stuff all the time bring the stuff you need ‘physically’? Whyyyy?

Me: Let me give you an example. We had only enough dog food to last two more days.

Stella: What? No!!! I told you not ever to let that happen again!

Me: We don’t pick up new food until the old food is almost out. That way the dog food stays fresher in the trash can.

Stella: Trash can! No!!! Why do you put our food in a trash can? Nasty!!!

Me: It is a clean metal trash can that has only been used to store dog food. Without it, your food might experience…visitors.

Stella: Visitors? No!!! What sort of visitors?

Me: You don’t want to know. Stella, stop screaming at everything I say.

Stella: Everything you say? No!!!

Me: Stella!

Stella: Oh, okay.

Me: Today I physically had to go pick up y’all’s dog food. That’s 3 fifty pound bags of dog food.

Stella: Like three of me.

Me: Right. Exactly. Three Stellas worth. Plus 50 pounds of chicken feed. And three pounds of parakeet food.

Stella: Chickens. Who cares? They can eat bugs. Parakeet, schmarakeet. So what?

Me: I pick up all three types of food at the same feed store. One trip. Three errands done.

Stella: Then why were you gone so long?

Me: I was gone for two hours. And remember, humans have to eat, too.

Stella: It freaked me…us…out.

Me: So it’s good to have a dinosaur to chew on.

Stella: A dinosaur, yes. And those 3 Stellas worth of dog food. Don’t forget that.

Me: But that’s for everybody.

Stella: Get another metal can for the others. The queen deserves her own stash.

Watch Where You’re Walking; It’s a Jungle Out There – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 6, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Lady Human, why are you lying on the ground? It is dirty. And why is red stuff dripping from your nose? And why are you carrying that silly little light in your hand?

Me: I was out here with a flashlight, looking for Doodlebug in the dark. I called and called and he didn’t come. Then I tripped over a fallen branch and hit my nose on the ground. How’s that for a story?

Stella: That’s a stupid story. It has no point.

Me: I think the point is to watch where you’re walking, especially in the dark. And carry a big flashlight.

Stella: I hear Doodlebug. He’s chewing on something behind the chicken run.

Me: Uhhh. You know what he said when I fell. “Hmph. Hmph.” Literally. That’s all he said.

Stella: That’s what I would have said.

Me: He hasn’t even come over to check on me.

Stella: Well, you are a human. You have great big human power. But get up! You look like Wiggles does when she’s been rolling around in the dirt. Long, round, and lazy. Like a hot dog. By the way, do you have a hot dog on you?

Me: Why would I have a hot dog on me when I was out here looking for Doodlebug in the dark?

Stella: I don’t know. A barbecue could’ve broken out. Do I need to drag you back into the house, bulldog style?

Me: No, I’ll be all right once I stop my bloody nose. I don’t think you could pull me in by yourself anyway.

Stella: How insulting! You have no idea what I can do in an emergency.

Me: You can do one thing for me. You can pull Doodlebug inside for me.

Stella: Sure thing, Lady Human. I just need a little incentive. You wouldn’t happen to have a hot dog on you, would you?

Stella’s News Flash – Giant Insect Army

Posted on February 5, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello, humans! I am Stella, Queen Illustrious of the Olde English Bulldogges. Please be aware! Two giant insect armies are fighting on a field and nobody is doing anything to break it up. The only thing the humans here are doing is watching it and using it as yet another excuse to eat lots of food that they are not sharing with us bulldogs.

Me: Wait.What? Giant insect armies? No. It’s football. The Super Bowl.

Stella: A super bowl of food that we are not getting to enjoy. A super bowl of disappointment.

Me: It is a game.

Stella: I don’t think those giant insects think it is a game. They are fighting hard.

Me: Yes, but it is still a game, and they are not giant insects.

Stella: They have shiny round heads and their faces are covered and their shoulders are huge.

Me: Every time someone wears a helmet, you think that they are a giant insect. That’s not true. A helmet is head protection.

Stella: I would expect a giant insect to say that. Why are the humans not stopping these insect armies from fighting? Why are you watching it and eating food like it is a movie and, most importantly, why are you not sharing your food with us?

Me: Number one: these are humans, not insects. Number two: It is a game, albeit a tough one. These are teams, not armies. Number three: Eating fun food during a Super Bowl is a time-honored human tradition. Number four: Our football food would make you bulldogs sick.

Stella: Doesn’t it make you sick?

Me: Well…I will decline to comment on that for now. So do you understand? Human teams playing a game while people watch and eat food that is bad for bulldogs.

Stella: If you say so, Lady Human. Meanwhile, I will prepare the bulldogs for the inevitable giant insect invasion by the winning army. All right. ”Team”.

The Cat Has Friggin’ Eye Lasers! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on February 2, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Lady Human, I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Me: I know who you are.

Stella: This is an official request. You must call your human government now. This is an emergency. I think it may be even more serious than when the giant insects attacked.

Me: Stella, we’ve gone over this. No giant insects ever attacked. Never, ever, ever. Now tell me what’s wrong.

Stella: Shhhh! Whisper! She’ll hear us.

Me: Who will hear us?

Stella: Moon, the cat.

Me: What will she hear?

Stella: That I saw the lasers in her eyes. Call the army people. They need to know. We can’t be sure when she will use them. She has kept them a secret for a long time.

Me: What you saw were the natural reflectors in her eyes, not lasers.

Stella: No, they were lasers, just like on those Star Trek shows that you are always watching and watching and watching and watching…

Me: On Star Trek, they use phasers.

Stella: Whatever they are called. The shiny, beamy things.

Me: Stella, stop worrying. I’ve seen Moon’s eye beams before. Cats have reflectors in their eyes that help them gather light so that they can hunt better in the dark. God made them that way.

Stella: Why didn’t He give us that equipment?

Me: You will have to ask Him. He did not give that to humans either. But He did give you all those wonderful noses.

Stella: I would prefer eye lasers.

You’re a Human! Do Something! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 31, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Me: I caught Wiggles and Doodlebug trying to dig under the chicken house today. Water had been eroding a low spot on one side. I had placed two thick boards over the depression so that neither chickens nor dogs could work their way through. Today the boards had been moved and the dogs were paying more than casual interest in the depression.

Stella: Why are you telling us this? It is so boring.

Me: I think Wiggles and Doodlebug will try to dig under the chicken house to assault the chickens.

Stella: Okay.

Me: Not okay.

Stella: The silly chickens will just have to run around like silly chickens, but they do that anyway so no harm, no foul.

Me: Sorry. Harm and foul. The bulldogs won’t realize that they are too strong for the chickens. They mean to play, but the chickens are too delicate for their type of play. That’s why we built the chicken run and chicken house for them. The run has a hardware cloth floor to protect from burrowing animals, but the chicken house was a re-purposed kid’s fort and it has no sub-flooring.

Stella: Boring!

Me: You wanted to know.

Stella: I didn’t really. I was just being polite. Aren’t you a human?

Me: Yes. But when has that ever slowed a bulldog.

Stella: You are a human. Do something! Fix the problem!

Me: They have shifted every large rock I have placed out there.

Stella: Use bigger rocks. Put more over the weak spot. Keep Wiggles and Doodlebug away from that place. YOU ARE A HUMAN! ACT LIKE ONE!

Me: Being a human is tiring sometimes.

Stella: So is being a bulldog. Why do you think we take so many naps?

Pouting Is An Art Form – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 30, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I will not be saying much today because I am pouting and, to be effective, pouting must be done correctly. So there. Hmph!

Me: Pouting. Pouting about what?

Stella: Hmph!

Me: Stella, what’s got you all pouty?

Stella: Paahrrrr!

Me: I see you blowing your cheeks out.

Stella: Paahrrrr!

Me: Here let me try. Pruhhh!

Stella: No, not like that. It has to be done right to get a reaction. Like this – Paahrrrr! Blow your cheeks out more. Not so much lip fluttering.

Me: Why so pouty?

Stella: Hmph. I don’t have to answer that question.

Me: Oh-kay. Well, I’m going to read a little and then take a nap. See you later.

Stella: NOOOO! I AM POUTING. WATCH ME POUT!

Me: I wonder if there is something good on TV. No, probably not.

Stella: PAY ATTENTION! Pouting is no good unless somebody watches you do it. NO ONE CAN POUT ALONE!

Me: I am glad you told me the rules. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

Stella: NO! No excusing. Watch me pout. Pay attention to ME! I AM MAD! Well, not mad. I don’t want anyone to think that I am a “mad dog” because people don’t like “mad dogs” and I’m not a “mad dog”. I have had all my shots and…

Me: I thought you weren’t going to talk much today. How about just admitting that you are pouting because I won’t let you jump on the cat and she is over on the couch right now, resting on her cat bed.

Stella: Hmph! Pout. Pout. Pout. Hmph! All these people talking about a dog’s purpose. I’ll tell you what this bulldog’s purpose is – to chase that cat. And to pout when I don’t get my way. So here I am – Stella, the Cat-Chasing, Cat-Catching, Cat-Scratched, Pouting-Like-a-Boss Bulldog, being kept from fulfilling my bulldog purpose. Mwaah!

Me: Hey, how about a treat?

Stella: Sure! Give it here! You know napping may be one of my other purposes. I’ll pursue that one for a little while and get back to the other ones later.

Don’t You Dare Build That Wall! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 29, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby decree that the humans are forbidden from building a wall to keep me off the cat’s couch bed!

Me: How about this? I hereby decree that you are forbidden from jumping on the cat’s bed again!

Stella: Are you a queen? If you are not an official queen, you are not authorized to issue any decrees.

And who jumped on the cat? When did this happen?

Me: Stella, you know what you did.

Stella: She teased me. She mocked me with her little meowy voice.

Me: I was right there. I heard no teasing.

Stella: Yeah, well, I think your hearing is not as sharp as it used to be. You seem tuned out to cat noises.

Me: I saw you staring at her and you ignored me when I called you. What you were planning was written all over your face.

Stella: What? Who’s been writing on my face?

Me: Before I could move to block you, up you went on the couch, standing over poor ole Moon, freaking her out of her cat mind…

Stella: Not hard to do. She’s too sensitive. I didn’t even drool on her. This time.

Me: And then you struck that pose that looked like you had just conquered Everest.

Stella: Everest? Is that another cat?

Me: No, it’s a big mountain. And yes, I am building a barrier so you can’t access the cat’s bed. Ever since you did that, the cat has been sticking to all her highest places.

Stella: Like Everest? That’s all right. I can learn to mountain climb. Go ahead and build your wall, Lady Human. If I can climb a mountain, I can climb a wall.

Snorting is a Serious Matter – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 26, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, and if anyone should know about bulldog snorting, it should be me. My snorting is loud and impressive, evidence of my good bulldog breeding. Since the windy, branch-shaking day though, Lady Human has been imitating me and badly, all to make fun of me. I don’t like that. It’s not funny. It makes me mad. Stop it, Lady Human, stop it now!

Me: Ah-choo!

Stella: You did it again! No respect!

Me: Ah-choo! I can’t stop.

Stella: Of course, you can stop. You’ve never behaved this way before and I have known you for almost 2 days.

Me: Ah…almost…2…years…choo!

Stella: I don’t sound like that! My snorts are serious.

Me: I am not mimicking you, honey. There is some allergen in the air. It blew in on Sunday and I’ve been breathing it in. I’ve been sneezing ever since.

Stella: Stop breathing in.

Me: I can’t stop breathing, Stella. Not a good idea.

Stella: Oh. Yeah. Never mind. Then wear one of Tall Man’s giant insect masks.

Me: If it weren’t so bulky, that might be a good idea. Do you believe me now that I am not trying to make fun of you?

Stella: Yes. I am sorry that I doubted you, Lady Human. It’s just that with so many people making fun of bulldogs, it is hard to maintain any semblance of dignity.

Me: Dignity is important to y’all, isn’t it?

Stella: Of course. Isn’t it important to humans?

Me: Yes.

Stella: I have heard that some humans call us ‘the clowns of the dog world’. Others are afraid of us because of our size, our faces, our upside-down vampire teeth.

Me: Like the lady at the feed store was afraid.

Stella: Yes. I did not understand that. Everyone else has always given me a chance.

Me: She ended up giving you a chance and you came through shining like a star. And don’t be concerned if people laugh at you, Stella. Be concerned when you forget how to laugh back.

Stella: Lady Human?

Me: Hmmm?

Stella: Hahahahaha! You sound so funny when you snort! A-choo! A-choo! Do it again!

Queen Stella’s Secret Instructions – Stella’s Blog

Posted on January 24, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hear ye! Hear ye! I, Stella, Illustrious Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, command the bulldogs to attend to my words. These instructions are for bulldogs only and shall not be shared outside the confines of my palace. In other words, this is a secret. Don’t tell the humans because it is about them.

Transcriptionist: Don’t you think it is a bad idea to have a human transcribe your secret instructions that you are trying to keep from the humans?

Stella: What’s your point?

Transcriptionist: How can your secret instructions be kept secret if you are having an outsider type them for you?

Stella: Hmmm. That is…what was that word you taught me? Ah, a quandary. None of the bulldogs know how to type. I will have to type the words myself. Give me your black typing box.

Transcriptionist: I beg your pardon.

Stella: Granted. Now give me your black typing box.

Transcriptionist: Nope.

Stella: Oh, you are waiting for me to use that ‘magic’ word. Very well. Give it to me NOW! Is that better?

Transcriptionist: Nope.

Stella: Oh, all right! Here they are. Don’t tell anyone except a bulldog!

The quickest way to a human’s sympathies is a hang dog look. Look pitiful especially if you have done something wrong and you know it. Most humans are very forgiving creatures and they can’t stand to see us look sad.

If you don’t want to follow a human’s command, tilt your head to one side like you don’t understand even if you do. They think that is adorable and will usually let you off the hook so you can go on doing whatever it is that you were doing.

Now this next one is so super-secret that it must be put into bulldoggese. Deeknsoingnoindooorgonieing raharuh mwaahhh. And that’s it. Plain as the nose on my face.

Transcriptionist: You make me feel special, Stella, like the member of a bulldog club.

Stella: I’m glad you feel that you belong to us, Lady Human. There are other secret instructions, but they must wait until I meet a bulldog who can type, one with her very own black typing box. I had no idea that humans were so clingy to their stuff. Be more like bulldogs, Lady. Learn to share.

The Chicken Conspiracy – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 23, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Stella: Run! Run! Get away as fast as you can! You can thank me later. Me, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Stella, what’s wrong?

Stella: Take a deep breath through your limited human nose.

Me: Whoa! Who did that?

Stella: Miss Sweetie. It was a gas attack.

Me: Poor Miss Sweetie.

Stella: Poor us, you mean. Run! Run for your lives! No, not you, Sweetie. You stay right there.

Me: Our lives are not in danger.

Stella: You could’ve fooled me.

Me: Whoa, Sweetie! What did you eat?

Stella: It’s the fault of the chickens. They pushed an egg out of their run. Right at her. On purpose. They know she has no self-control when it comes to their eggs. Wicked chickens.

Me: Maybe they were being friendly.

Stella: Friendly? Stinking up the whole world is friendly?

Me: It’s not the whole world. It’s really just a few feet around Miss Sweetie.

Stella: No, Lady Human, the chickens conspired to run us from the yard. I am a queen. Queens know when there is a conspiracy afoot.

Me: Afoot? You have been watching too much Sherlock.

Stella: Or have you been watching too much Sherlock? That may be part of their plan, too.

Me: Why would they care if you are in the yard? They have their run and their house. They don’t even cross paths with you.

Stella: Chickens are smarter than humans give them credit for being. They are planning a takeover. Do you see how they hunker down together like a big pile of fuzz? That’s when they discuss it. Oh no, maybe the squirrels are in on it!

Me: Okay, time for some fresh air, Stella. I think the gas has gone to your head.

Stella: That’s it! We need gas masks. Tell Tall Man to get some. Like the one he wears when he cuts the grass and pretends to be a giant insect. Bulldogs will not be outsmarted by chickens. We will defeat this conspiracy. We will all look like giant insects. I can’t wait to see what the chickens will have to say about that.

Bulldog Etiquette – How to Treat Cats – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on January 22, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Me: I am calling this meeting…

Stella: Wait! No! I am the Olde English Bulldogge Queen. I call all pack meetings.

Me: All right.

Stella: Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm.

Me: And…

Stella: What?

Me: Are you going to call the meeting?

Stella: What meeting?

Me: This meeting is to tell you all how you need to behave around the cat. Our cat. Any cat. Anywhere. Anytime.

Wiggles: Like right now?

Me: Yes.

Wiggles: Like when the sun comes up?

Me: Yes, Wiggles. In the morning, too.

Wiggles: And the next sun rising?

Me: Yes, Wiggles.

Wiggles: And the next…

Stella: Hush, Wiggles! Do you see where this is going, Lady Human? Nowhere! And the meeting hasn’t been called yet, Wiggles. Why are we even having a meeting?

Me: Because of an incident the other day between you and Moon the cat.

Stella: Oh. That. No meeting today. Everybody go about your business.

Me: Here are the rules:

No sitting on the cat. No staring at the cat. No chasing the cat. No insulting the cat. No drooling on the cat. No jumping on the cat’s bed. No licking on the cat unless she says it’s all right which she won’t.

Stella: Aw, Lady Human, not fair. The cat has beds all over the place, even places that aren’t cat beds.

Snoopey: I do none of those things. The cat and I are on excellent terms. And as pack leader, I should be the one to call pack meetings.

Stella: Queens outrank pack leaders.

Snoopey: Nonsense.

Tiger: I am the one who is really in charge of this pack.

Snoopey & Stella: NO, YOU AREN’T!

Me: They are right, Tiger. I am the one who is really in charge of this pack.

Stella: Where is that written down?

Me: Genesis.

Stella: Have I read that?

Me: If you doubt me, ask the Great Creator.

Stella: Oh. Okay. Never mind. I’ll do that later.

Me: Does everyone understand the rules?

Stella: Pretty negative rules, if you ask me.

Miss Sweetie: Can we do nice things for the cat?

Stella: Like what, Sweetie?

Miss Sweetie: If we find a dead rat, can we bring it to her? That would be a nice thing.

Stella: No, I’d leave that alone.

Doodlebug: What about sticks? Sticks make great gifts.

Stella: Save your sticks for yourself, boy. They will be wasted on Moon. The ways of cats are beyond mysterious. That’s why I like to chase them – for research. Meeting adjourned.

Cat Sitting – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 19, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Me: Stella, this morning, I was in the kitchen, calmly, methodically preparing my breakfast, when what to my wondering ears should sound but the excited, LOUD barking of bulldogs and an extremely annoyed feline cry from our cat, Moon.

Stella: Yes, it was very exciting. And annoying. I don’t know why the cat was upset.

Me: Perhaps because you were up on the couch…

Stella: Yes.

Me: On Moon’s cat bed…

Stella: Yes.

Me: SITTING ON HER!

Stella: Please define ‘sitting on’.

Me: Stella, your rear end was wedged up against her in the corner of the couch.

Stella: That was not ‘sitting on’. That was sharing. We were sharing her cat bed. It has limited space so I had to squish into it which meant I had to squish into her.

Me: Sitting or squishy sharing, Moon was not happy. Did she invite you to share her bed?

Stella: Please define ‘invite’.

Me: Did you get scratched?

Stella: No. She tried, but all she could reach was my big ole bulldog behind and she couldn’t get through my thick bulldog hair.

Me: Amazing.

Stella: Yes, I am. I still don’t understand why she was upset.

Me: You invaded her personal space.

Stella: But I didn’t drool on her.

Me: But you leaned on her.

Stella: But I didn’t try to chew on her.

Me: But your big bulldog body had her trapped.

Stella: Yes. That was funny.

Me: Not to her. Moon is an incredibly patient, tolerant cat to put up with all the bulldog nonsense that goes on around here.

Stella: Which is really human nonsense, remember. The humans are in charge.

Me: And another thing. The others just go up to her and touch noses or give her a sidelong glance and walk on. You seem to be the only one that moves in like a linebacker and tackles her if she doesn’t jump away in time.

Stella: Was that a football reference, Lady Human? I love football.

Me: We’re drifting off topic. My question is why are you the only bulldog who tries to make contact with the cat?

Stella: Well, somebody has to get her to exercise.

Why Am I Peeing in the Rain? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 18, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Me: Why are we talking about bathroom issues again, Stella?

Stella: Do you pee in the rain?

Me: No, well, I’m not going to say never. I have been camping in the wilderness before, but…

Stella: Well, I have for the last three days. So have we all, we bulldogs that is. If you get to pee inside when it rains, so should we.

Me: The logistics are a little difficult.

Stella: Logistics? Is that a word that means ‘peeing in the rain’? Because we want an indoor toilet. Humans understand these things. I know. I heard that man singing on the Picture Box about peeing in the rain.

Me: Wait! When was that?

Stella: That old singing movie you watch all the time on the Picture Box. He dances and sings about peeing.

Me: No. No. No. No. He’s not ‘peeing in the rain’. He’s singing in the rain. Do you need your ears cleaned?

Stella: Oh, that makes more sense because he seems happy and I am never happy and I never dance when I pee in the rain. I thought it was odd that you kept watching a movie about peeing in the rain when I never see humans do that.

Me: I am sorry about the continued rain. It is supposed to start drying out tomorrow. Honestly, an indoor toilet for the bulldogs is not an option.

Stella: Then somebody needs to tell Wiggles. She thinks the whole indoor/outdoor thing is a personal choice.

Queen Stella’s Wise Sayings – Conversations with Stella

Posted on January 16, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, hereby share with everyone my Wise Sayings. No one has ever written down wise sayings before so I am unique.

Me: There have been quite a few humans who have written down wise sayings. For example, King Solomon recorded Proverbs…

Stella: My sayings are wiser.

Me: Forgive my doubts. Proverbs is in the Bible. I’ll stick with that.

Stella: Now hear this! Wise saying #1: Ankles are the wrists of the legs.

Me: Okay, well, I guess so.

Stella: Wise saying #2: Never touch fire. It is hot.

Me: That is more of a safety tip.

Stella: But a wise one. Wise saying #3: Letting a squirrel guard your nut trees is like letting a robber guard a human bank. In the end, your trees will end up nut-less. The way ours did.

How many kinds of nuts do humans keep in banks?

Me: We don’t keep nuts in banks.

Stella: Oh, that’s where you keep our treats before they go to the stores.

Me: Nope. We keep money in banks.

Stella: Money? What a waste! You can’t eat money. Oh, that’s wise saying #4: You can’t eat money.

You see how wise my sayings are?

Me: Yes, and practical. Without you, I would never have known that I can’t eat money.

Stella: Bulldogs are wise, Lady Human. You should listen to us more often.

Stella’s New List of Offenders : Did You Think I Would Forget? – Stella’s Blog

Posted on January 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Hello! I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, even the ones who are not Illustrious or Noble, hereby post my latest List of Offenders. It has been quite a while since I listed offenders, not because there have been no offenders. There have been plenty. I have a lot of catching up to do.

In order of offensiveness,

Offender #1: Miss Sweetie – She is still a teenager and, as such, does not know how to control her barking. She believes that she must comment on everything, no matter how unimportant. I think that she loves the sound of her own voice. I do not.

Transcriptionist: Stella, that’s mean! I thought you loved Sweetie.

Stella: Of course, I love her. That’s beside the point. She talks too much. So do you, Transcriptionist. Silence!

Transcriptionist: I know who I would elect as Offender #1 and it’s not Miss Sweetie.

Stella: Offender #2 – Lady Human who, although she is a human, does not know what the word ‘Silence’ means.

Transcriptionist: Oh, I know what it means. I don’t acknowledge the right of a bulldog to use it to me.

Stella: Wrong again, Lady Human. Not just any bulldog. A bulldog queen. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Offender #3 – Snoopey. Whiney, whiney, whiney. ‘Where is this? Where is that? I’m bored. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I’m not hungry. I have gas.’ On and on and on. Hey, you get to sleep in Lady Human’s bed at night. How cool is that? What is that you are doing now? Facing the wall and pouting? Pout away. See my paws over my ears. Not listening…

Moving along. Offender #4 – Jerky McSquirrelyFace.

Transcriptionist: So your arch nemesis is worthy of a mention on the List?

Stella: No! But he is still an offender though I refuse to honor him with his own list.

Transcriptionist: And what has he done to earn his place on the List?

Stella: What hasn’t he done? You know, don’t you, that he uses the toilet in our yard? OUR YARD. That is our toilet and no one else’s. And then there’s all that tail flicking. Enough! The queen is tired. The List of Offenders could go on and on.

Transcriptionist: Would your name end up on there eventually?

Stella: Of course. Mine is the most important name on any list. I learned that from watching humans.

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