…But You Said! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but that does not seem to make any difference. The humans pay no attention. They make promises that they don’t keep.

Me:        What promises have we not kept?

Stella:    You said we would spend more time together outside. You said we would cook meat on the fire pit and the air would be cool and we would sit in chairs.

Me:        Well, I said I would sit in a chair, but I know how much you all like to sit in chairs like humans.

Stella:    But we have not done it. Why? Why? Why?

Me:        Because, because, because it is still too hot for you all to be outside for long.

Stella:    What did you do with the cooler air?

Me:        Nothing. It just hasn’t shown up yet.

Stella:    But you promised. Waaahhh.

Me:        Stella, why are you whining? You don’t even like the outside that much.

Stella:    The others are whining and that makes me whine. I get tired of hearing it. When are we going to cook out? When is the cool breeze going to blow? When are the leaves going to fall on our heads? It’s not easy being the bulldog queen.

Me:        It’s not easy being the human in charge either.

Stella:    But you said…

Me:        I said what the meteorologists said.

Stella:    The meteor – who?

Me:        Weather people.

Stella:    Why did the meteor-who people lie?

Me:        They did not lie.

Stella:    But they said something that was not true.

Me:        They made an educated guess based on what they knew. They simply didn’t know it all.

Stella:    So what did they do with the cooler air?

Me:        They don’t control the air. They track it.

Stella:    Like those dogs who have really good noses.

Me:        Yes, if those dogs used computers and satellites instead of their sense of smell. Meteorologists have a notoriously hard time predicting weather in Texas, except in the summer when they can say “hot” and pretty much be right all the time.

Stella:    I will not depend on the word of the meteor-who people anymore so do not quote them again. I will use my bulldog nose to track the air just as any queen should.

Me:        Well, good luck with that.

Stella:    Wait! What? I think I smell a change in the weather.

Me:        What does your nose say?

Stella:    Hot and still hotter.

Me:        Keep sniffing. One of these days soon, we will not be having hot dogs outside.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Stop Trying to Lead Yourself – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I can’t stop laughing.

Me:        That probably means that you are laughing at one of us. Bulldog or human?

Stella:    Both. It was hilarious. You had Miss Sweetie on the lead and all of a sudden she jerked it out of your hand and picked up the end you had been holding and she had it in her mouth while she was still wearing it and SHE STARTED LEADING HERSELF WITH IT! So funny. You should have seen the look on your face.

Me:        I’m kind of glad that I didn’t.

Stella:    Miss Sweetie is so funny! Taking herself for a walk! It’s good that we were not outside.

Me:        She would not have gotten far. Did you notice that she was going around in circles?

Stella:    Yes, Wiggles dances in circles. Now Miss Sweetie leads herself around in circles, going nowhere fast.

Me:        They lacked a plan. And boy, am I glad of that.

Stella:    I don’t like the lead.

Me:        Most don’t.

Stella:    Even humans?

Me:        Especially humans.

Stella:    Because you think you are all that and a bag of doggy treats?

Me:        Yep. It’s called pride and we are really good at it.

Stella:    You are proud of pride.

Me:        No, I’m ashamed of it. It’s like me trying to lead myself and just going in circles.

Stella:    So you and Miss Sweetie have a lot in common.

Me:        Well, I hope I smell a little bit better.

“Lead me in Thy truth, and teach me: for Thou art the God of my salvation; on Thee do I wait all the day.” Psalm 25:5 KJV

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Snips and Snails and Puppy Dogs’ Tails – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge’s Queen. I am demanding an answer from Lady Human.

Me:        Yes, you are demanding.

Stella:    Is that a human insult?

Me:        No, it is a human observation.

Stella:    Well, I have a bulldog observation. Humans say frightening things.

Me:        Like what?

Stella:    I heard young humans saying it:

What are little boys made of? Snips and snails and PUPPY DOGS’ TAILS

Human boys are made of the tails of puppies!

Me:        Now, Stella…

Stella:    Don’t you Stella me! The young humans were playing a game and they said it over and over. So that is how you humans get more boys. You take the tails of innocent puppies. It makes me cry.

Me:        Stella, it is a children’s silly rhyme from almost two hundred years ago. Children like rhymes. So do I. They are rhythmic and easy to remember and fun and they don’t usually mean what they say. Human boys are NOT, I REPEAT, NOT made from puppy dogs’ tails. They come from humans just as puppies come from dogs.

Stella:    Eeewww! Nasty!

Me:        Not Eeewww Nasty. It’s the way the Great Creator designed things and He certainly did not design Eeewww Nasty and He did not design human boys to come from puppy tails.

Stella:    The young humans said that little girls were made of sugar and spice and everything nice.

Me:        Don’t get your hopes up. That is no truer than the rhyme about little boys.

Stella:    Awww. It sounded delicious.

Me:        Stella!

Stella:    Not that I would ever eat little girls, Lady Human. I simply would have enjoyed sitting nearby and sniffing them. Sugar. Spice. Everything nice. Oh well…Now if you will just explain what “snips” are.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

Scary Smart – Conversations with Stella

I am here once again with Queen Stella of the Olde English Bulldogges…

Stella:    I like that! It makes me sound official.

Me:        In Bulldog Land, you are as official as it gets.

Stella:    Why were you wearing your weird face?

Me:        I beg your pardon? I don’t have a weird face to wear.

Stella:    Yes, you do. It shows up whenever one of us has done something that you can’t figure out with your human brain.

Me:        I wasn’t aware…well, I have been surprised by some of Doodlebug’s and Miss Sweetie’s antics lately.

Stella:    Antics are like when they burp or jump up on chairs or stand on tables like they are going to give a speech?

Me:        No, those are normal bulldog activities. I mean the scary smart stuff like, well, here’s a list:

Doodlebug opened the back door again by turning the handle,

Miss Sweetie uses her mouth to try to turn on things like faucets,

Doodlebug does a quick gymnastic neck duck to get out of the lead when it’s loose,

Doodlebug puts any stick he is chewing on down in a special place when he comes                   in because he knows that I am going to take it away from him,

Doodlebug knows how to slide the latch to open his crate

They both know how to reach in and steal eggs from the chickens,

Doodlebug knows when breakfast time is within ten minutes either way…

Stella:    It sounds like Doodlebug is the smart one and Miss Sweetie has just made a couple of lucky guesses. Why is it scary smart?

Me:        Because we don’t expect dogs to figure out how to do some of the complicated stuff that we do.

Stella:    Because you think we are dumb.

Me:        Not dumb. Just dogs.

Stella:    Just dogs! Just dogs! I knew it! Humans think they are all that and a bag of doggy treats, too! Hmmph! Watch as I turn my head away in disgust! You humans think that you control everything!

Me:        Well, not everything, but things like door handles and faucets, yes.

Stella:    You just wait. One day we will send a dog to the moon so he can pee on it and return safely to Earth.

Me:        Oh, great. A dog peeing on the moon, too. And who is going to build this dog spaceship?

Stella:    Well, never mind. You just guard your faucets and door handles. And the washing machine.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Why Is My Food Always Brown? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I am bringing a complaint to the management of this hotel.

Me:        Hotel?

Stella:    All of my food is brown all the time. It is boring. You have different colors of food on your plate. I want some of that.

Me:        Stella, you eat a very healthy diet that is great for bulldogs. I never see you turning your nose up at it.

Stella:    And I never will. I just want your pretty food, too.

Me:        Well, maybe I am not inclined to share my food with you.

Stella:    I am willing to trade.

Me:        Honestly, Stella, I don’t see myself eating your dogfood. It is a little…unappetizing for a human.

Stella:    Unappetizing. Is that another word for brown?

Me:        No, it means your food was not made for humans and is not attractive to us.

Stella:    What? Why not? It smells good. It tastes good. It is just boring to look at. Wait! Is something wrong with it?

Me:        No, not for bulldogs.

Stella:    That is what I thought. Bulldogs are not being treated like honored guests at this hotel!

Me:        Stella, this is not a hotel. This is our home.

Stella:    I saw hotels on the Picture Box. Don’t you bring us room service?

Me:        Well…sort of. We serve you food.

Stella:    So this is a hotel. I am giving it one star.

Me:        At least a bad rating would insure that we would have no visitors, if this were a hotel which it is not.

Stella:    Exactly. We don’t need no visitors taking our rooms and eating our brown food. If you work on getting us some red and yellow and green food, maybe I can give you another star.

Me:        That would just attract strangers and you don’t want that, remember?

Stella:    Oh, yeah. Better leave it at one star.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Raccoon Crossing – Conversations with Stella

Last night, we opened the front door while waiting for UPS to show up with a very important package and were privileged to see a pretty good-sized raccoon traversing our porch. It did not slow down, look in our direction, or hesitate. But this has raised some questions in Stella’s mind.

Stella:  Why was that cat with the striped tail on our porch?

Me:      That was a raccoon.

Stella:  Okay, why was that raccoon cat on our porch and wearing a black mask? Is it a criminal? It looked like a bank robber in one of those old Picture Box shows.

Me:      No, it was not a cat and it was not a criminal. It was a raccoon and all raccoons have masks and striped tails.

Stella:  It moved like a cat, a sneaky, sneaky cat.

Me:      It was likely looking for food. It probably stops by just about every night, but we are not usually looking out the front door at that time of night so we never see it.

Stella:  That’s creepy. Let’s put a sign out telling her to stay away.

Me:      That won’t work. Raccoons don’t read signs. It probably lives down by the creek and we are part of its hunting grounds.

Stella:  Hunting? Hunting our food?

Me:      No, your food is all inside.

Stella:  What if it comes inside hunting our food? NO!!!

Me:      It can’t get inside the house.

Stella:  We need to set a guard. Snoopey is good at that sort of thing. I appoint her.

Me:      You appoint?

Stella: I am the Queen.

Me:      I am the human.

Stella:  You can’t mean in. You want raccoons to take over our house.

Me:      No, raccoons will not take over the house. I am still the human, remember. This is not a raccoon house.

Stella:  Exactly! It is a bulldog house!

Me:      Oh, Stella, I have put a lot of words in your mouth during the time I have known you. I don’t recall ever telling you that this is a bulldog house.

Stella:  Words in my mouth? You did? I don’t remember. What did they taste like? Did they taste good. May I have some more, please?

Me:      Yes, as many as you like, good old bulldog.

Stella:  So long as none of them tastes like raccoon.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

Squirrel Staredown! – Stella’s Blog

I am Stella, also known as Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter. Yes, I am Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but that takes second place today.

Lady Human snapped a picture of Jerky McSquirrelyFace while he was snacking on still more of our green pecans, pecans that never had a chance to grow and ripen into the delicious autumn nuts that bulldogs love to eat off the ground, delicious nuts that give us gas. 

Flatulence is a small price to pay for such a wonderful treat.

Transcriptionist: Speak for yourself, Stella. You are not on the receiving end. 

Stella: Silence! The Queen IS speaking!

Transcriptionist: I guess I’m going to have to give my bulldog lecture about rudeness again. 

Stella: My blog, my rules. And speaking of rudeness, look at how he has his nose stuck up in the air like he’s all that and a bag of doggy treats, too. Which he is not! He is a snooty squirrel in bulldog territory. 

Then that squirrel rudely began a staredown, trying to intimidate us. “Intimidate” is a human word meaning “bulldoggy”. He has probably finished all the green pecans on that tree and thinks we should plant another one just for him. Well, no way!

We engaged in an eyeball battle for the ages. Jerky stared and stared, but I was not intimidated. You can’t bulldog a bulldog. Our big old eyes don’t look away so easily. Finally, he wised up and left in defeat. Bulldogs rule.

Maybe next time he will think twice before starting a staredown contest with me. Maybe next time, I will fly up into a tree and do paw to paw combat with him.

As the humans say, stay tuned.

Signed, Wartior Queen Stella

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Rules, Rules, and More Rules – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. That’s right! QUEEN! Get it?

Me: Stella, what have I told you about being rude?

Stella: I don’t remember. I was too busy being rude and ordering others around. Hey, you have a long list of rules, too. Have you counted them lately?

Me: There aren’t so many rules and all of them are for your own good.

Stella: Ahem.

 Don’t step on my toes.

Don’t jump up on me.

Don’t step on my shoes, especially when I am wearing them.

Don’t grab. Not anything. Not at anytime.

Don’t wild play in the house.

Don’t bark for no reason.

Don’t…

Don’t…

Don’t…

Me: And your point is?

Stella: Too many rules. And they are not all for our own good. How is it for our own good not to step on your toes?

Me: You don’t have to hear me cry out in pain. I think you don’t know how heavy you really are.

Stella: Are you calling us ‘fat’?

Me: No, I am calling y’all heavy. 50 to 70 pounds each. What else would you call that?

Stella: Hefty. Substantial. Bulldoggy.

Me: Just see how it feels to you when hefty, substantial, or bulldoggy lands on your foot.

Stella: Humans don’t understand how it feels when you have to follow a bunch of rules.

Me: Oh, yes, we do! Humans have all kinds of rules to follow. Humans make rules. They are not always right, but we have to follow them until we can get them changed. The Great Creator has given us rules to follow that are for our benefit and those are right. Following good rules brings good.

Stella: I thought humans got to do whatever they wanted to do.

  • Me: No, humans are not wise enough to govern our own lives. The Great Creator gave us guidance so we would not destroy ourselves or the rest of creation. We do well when we follow Him, but when we don’t…

Stella: Rude happens.

Me: Yep.

Stella: You could still drop that no unreasonable barking rule. Unreasonable barking is the best kind.

“Keep My commandments, and live; and My law as the apple of thine eye.” Proverbs 7:2 KJV

Don’t Call My Sister Names! – Conversations with Stella

Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, is here with me again for yet another conversation about something that has perplexed or annoyed her. And what is that today, Stella?

Stella: Some silly, rude human called Snoopey an ugly name! I heard Tall Man talking about it.

Me: And what was the ugly name?

Stella: Mug. Or pug. Or mutt. I don’t know. I didn’t understand. Human speech is confusing to me. It was not nice because Tall Man became very heated.

Me: You could tell that? 

Stelka: Humans put off heat and odors when they are unhappy or snarly. 

Me: I think he got mad when someone we don’t even know called Snoopey a “mutt” and suggested that she was ugly and not a real bulldog.

Stella: Ooooo! Who did that? Let me at ’em!

Me: Humans have all kinds of opinions. Most of them should be ignored. “Mutt” is not even a bad name at all. It just means not pedigreed and most mutts are sweet, adorable dogs. 

Stella: Aaaggghhh! Not the point! Snoopey is a BULLDOG! BULLDOG!!! Never call a bulldog anything else.For example, never call a bulldog a “poodle”.

Me: I never would do that. I love poodles.

Stella: Never call a bulldog a “Labrador”.

Me: I never would do that. I love Labradors.

Stella: Lady Human, are you saying you don’t love bulldogs?

Me: Nope. I just find special things about all breeds.

Stella: I understand that you are trying to be nice, but NO! LOVE BULLDOGS!!! YOU ARE A BULLDOG HUMAN!!!

Me: Oh, all right. As long as I’m not a human bulldog.

Stella: Well, you may be that, too.

Copyright 2016 H.J.Hill All Rights Reserved.

Acorn War – Stella’s Blog

Hello again, Humans. I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I have another story to tell.

Once upon a time about an hour ago, I heard my old nemesis, Jerky McSquirrelyFace, chuckling at me from the big red oak tree. For a squirrel, he laughs entirely too much.

I tried to ignore him, but Jerky likes to throw things on dogs and people, hence the name “Jerky”. Jerky makes ignorance impossible.

I decided enough is enough. Two can play that game and one of them is a bulldog.

Every thrown acorn became ammunition for me. I picked up the acorns with my mouth, spit them into the air, and batted them at Jerky with my big bulldog paws.

Soon the air filled with acorns flying up and down and sideways. Jerky was fast, but I was faster. 

I discovered something about squirrels today. They are not bulldoggy. They give up. We don’t.

Jerky ran through the branches, jumped over the fence,  and disappeared. 

What does that mean? I WON! The score: Bulldogs 1 – Squirrels 0.

Control of the yard is mine as it should be. It’s good to be the queen.

Signed, Queen Stella

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Humans and Their Chew Sticks – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Hello! I don’t understand humans so I ask Lady Human when I see a human doing something silly or weird or foolish…

Me:        In other words, bulldoggy.

Stella:    Now let’s not be insulting, Lady Human.Being bulldoggy is so much more than that.

Me:        What silly or weird or foolish or bulldoggy thing did you witness a human doing?

Stella:    A man on the Picture Box had a big chew stick hanging out of his mouth and the stick was ON FIRE! Then I saw a man standing outside of a building and he had a small white chew stick hanging out of his mouth and IT WAS ON FIRE, TOO!

Me:        I think I can explain.

Stella:    I thought humans had common sense. Fire sticks burn. That is why you never let us around your fire pit when it is still hot. Miss Sweetie would do something silly or foolish…

Me:        Or bulldoggy.

Stella:    Oh, all right. Or bulldoggy. Like picking up a fire stick in her mouth. And then she would be all like “Ow! Ow! Ow!” and I’d be like, “Yeah, didn’t your good ole Aunt Stella tell you not to fool with those hot sticks, but you just had to anyway.”

Me:        Stella, I think I can explain what you saw.

Stella:    And that’s another thing. How are we supposed to behave when we see humans setting bad examples?

Me:        Those were not chew sticks in those men’s mouths. The big one was probably a cigar and the small white stick was probably a cigarette.

Stella:    And humans know that these sticks will catch fire?

Me:        The humans purposely light the sticks on fire.

Stella:    WHY? Their human muzzles are right there! They could burn their noses!

Me:        That seldom if ever happens. The sticks are made up of rolled up leaves called tobacco. And the humans who use them do so for some of the same reasons that dogs like to chew on sticks. It calms them a little. It’s a habit.

Stella:    Humans have a habit of lighting their chew sticks on fire?

Me:        No. Humans don’t really have chew sticks. Well, some people chew the tobacco instead of smoking it, but they aren’t sticks.

Stella:    And where do the humans get their not-for-chewing fire sticks?

Me:        They buy them at stores.

Stella:    If I need a good stick to calm me down, I use the one you gave me or I go pick one up from the yard. Simple. And I don’t set fire to it. That would just be…

Me:        Bulldoggy?

Stella:    I couldn’t have said it better myself.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Stay Out of My Sunbath Spot! – Conversations with Stella

I am with Stella, the Olde English Bulldogge, Queen and Squirrel Fighter.

Stella:    FLYING Squirrel Fighter!

Me:        That remains to be seen. And by the way, the squirrel is still in the front pecan tree, engorging himself and throwing pecan shells on me when I pass by.

Stella:    Jerky McSquirrelyFace and I will meet on the Field of Battle one day. Then we shall see who emerges victorious.

Me:        The squirrel, probably.

Stella:    AAGGGHH! You would bet against me? Lady Human, for shame!

Me:        Well, the squirrel is fast. He climbs trees. He can run over rooftops. He jumps crazy far. He hides so well that you can look right at him and not see him.

Stella:    I can do all that.

Me:        Stella the Bulldog. Remember.

Stella:    So I may have to practice a bit. You’ll see. But I have a more urgent problem. Wiggles peed on my sunbath spot.

Me:        I believe that everyone, except for me and Tall Man, of course, has peed on your sunbath spot at one time or another. Everyone including you.

Stella:    If I pee on my own spot, that is my business. Still, you are the management and I am making a formal complaint.

Me:        I have noticed a lot of selfishness among the bulldogs about the sunbathing area lately.

Stella:    Exactly, which is why we need a reservation system. And the reservation system says that the spot in the middle is mine all the time. No trespassing. No public bathroom. Oh, and I reserve the time slot when the sun shines at the best angle, not too hot, not too cool, just right.

Me:        What about the others? It sounds like you are trying to hog the sun.

Stella:    Pigs have nothing to do with it. Don’t let pigs come on my sunbathing spot! There is no telling what they might leave behind.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Don’t Play So Rough! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, still without a crown. Do I look good in my purple church lady hat?

Me: You look lovely.

Stella: Because I have no crown yet. Where is my crown? You promised.

Me: I haven’t found a suitable one yet.

Stella: I think you have not been looking hard enough. Don’t humans have places where you buy crowns?

Me: Not sure about crown stores.

Stella: Will it cost a lot of money?

Me: It could.

Stella: That’s all right. Spend it! I am worth it.

Me: I don’t doubt that. I have not been spending time or money on your crown lately. I am trying to calm Miss Sweetie and Doodlebug.

Stella: Agghh. Sister and brother nonsense.They are young and stupid.

Me: Be that as it may, they love each other so much that they are grabbing each other when they play. I have had to separate them more than once.

Stella: NO! They really do love their play-play.

Me: Maybe you can talk to them then. They are playing too rough. Miss Sweetie’s shoulder got scraped when Doodlebug grabbed her while they were wrestling.

Stella: But it was brotherly love. Didn’t you play fight with your litter mates?

Me: Humans don’t have litters. As for me, I was an only child.

Stella: Only one? So you never had anyone to play fight with? So sad!

Me: I had a cousin who would visit every so often. We had a few fights.

Stella: Did you get him with your teeth and shake him and throw him around? That is the most fun!

Me: No, but one time we were both standing on top of my toy box and he looked at me all snooty so I pushed him off.

Stella: That’s wonderful! That’s what I am talking about! Love!

Me: Love or not, Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie need to tone it down.

Stella: Never tone down a bulldog! Being bulldoggy is what makes us…well…bulldogs.I will speak to Miss Sweetie. We talk a lot because we look so much alike. Doodlebug is a stupid, yucky boy. He doesn’t listen.

Me: And he is a teenager. They both are. I don’t want to restrict their play, but I can’t let them hurt each other by accident.

Stella: Is this the hard part of being a human with bulldogs?

Me: Just one of many, Stella, my friend.

Stella: Okay. I will start by telling Doodlebug what an idiot he is. Maybe he will listen to Aunt Stella for once. And I will tell Miss Sweetie to stand up for herself.

Me: Well, Miss Sweetie gets her own licks in during those wrestling matches.

Stella: She does? Good for her! We girls have to stand up for ourselves.

Me: I just want them to get back to where they can play-play without it getting out of hand. Can Stella the Queen take care of that?

Stella: I don’t know about the Queen. Maybe Aunt Stella can. But keep one thing in mind – they are teenagers, so victory is not in sight.
Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Stella’s List of Offenders – Stella’s Blog

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges with my latest List of Offenders.

Number 1 (by far): Jerky McSquirrelyFace, the Rude Squirrel that is eating all the green pecans off of our trees. He sits up there, nibbling away, taking only a few small bites out of each nut, and then dropping the remains on our heads. He is arrogant because he thinks we can’t reach him while he sits up there, chuckling away, laughing at us. Beware, McSquirrelyFace, I have my bulldog eyes on you. I will remind you again – WINTER IS COMING! Oh, it is hard to imagine now when the weather is hot and the trees are full, but it will come and you will rue the day you ate all the nuts.

Number 2 and 3 and 4: Miss Sweetie – That’s right, Miss Sweetie, you keep finding new ways to annoy me. Oh, the humans laugh and think that you are “cute”. I don’t understand their use of that word when it does not apply to me. Obviously, “cute” no longer has any real meaning.

For starters, why oh why do you sit your large behind in your food bowl after breakfast? Don’t you realize that it will never fit? Who does that? That’s where your food goes, silly! You don’t see the humans sitting on their plates or in their bowls. They know better. I know better. EVERYONE KNOWS BETTER!

And when you are playing in the Puppy Pool, remember that bystanders may not want water sloshed all over them so cut out the running jump trick. I don’t play in the water much. Do you know why? I DON’T LIKE TO GET SPLASHED!

Before I forget (which I never do), when you happen to find stray pieces of food that have fallen ACCIDENTALLY outside my bowl, LEAVE THEM ALONE. Do you really think that I throw food away? I will get back to the poor lost munchies in my own time. Lady Human understands this. She lets me clean it up by myself. Bottom line, all food near my bowl is MINE, MINE, MINE!

As the humans say, a word to the wise is sufficient. Not that I believe you are wise, Miss Sweetie. You have always been a goofy girl. Who else would try to make her food bowl into a chair?

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Open Letter to Jerky Mc SquirrelyFace – Stella’s Blog

Dear Jerky Mc SquirrelyFace, 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am not amused.

You have offended us and we demand satisfaction. I do not know if the name I have used is your real name. I only know that, based on your behavior, it fits.

Was it not bad enough that you insulted Lady Human yesterday by showering pecan shells and partially eaten pecans on her head, but today you repeated your vile actions and left almost whole green pecans on our property. Yes, OUR PROPERTY! BULLDOGS RESIDE HERE!

You wasteful scoundrel! On behalf of humans and bulldogs everywhere, I demand satisfaction! You have heard of Hamilton. You know what I mean!

We have gathered evidence of your heinous pecan gorging.



What an effrontery! I don’t know what that word means, but it sounds terrible!

The under-tree space was clean yesterday. Today it is full of your crumbs. All your doing.

What do your fellow squirrels think of you, eating all their winter store. Yes, Jerky McSquirrelFace! Winter is coming!

Oh, and a word of warning. I don’t know how much you weigh, but at the rate you are eating, you will probably double that in a few weeks.Pecan trees are notorious limb shedders, so if I were you (and I’m glad I’m not), you’d better stay on the biggest, solid branches or you might find yourself falling into bulldog territory. Just a friendly tip.

I have a good mind to call a meeting of the Squirrel Council to get your obsessive pecan eating ways on their agenda.

I’ve got my eye on you. Leave some pecans for the rest of us!

As Sherlock Holmes would say, “Catch you later.”

Signed,

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and Squirrel Fighter

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Here I Come to the Rescue – Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but today, more importantly, I am once again Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter.

Here I come to save the day! I heard a mouse sing that on the Picture Box. I don’t believe he was a real mouse. He looked a little flat and he was wearing a cape. And he could fly. That part was great!

I dream of flying. I would even settle for bronco bucking like Miss Sweetie does. How does she get her big old barrel body to kick up in the air the way she does? Amazing! But don’t tell her I said that. Her bulldog head is already too big as is.

Today I had to come to Lady Human’s rescue when she was attacked by a mean squirrel in the front yard. She was minding her own business, sweeping the sidewalk, when this jerky squirrel in the large pecan tree started talking ugly to her like he owned the tree and threw a shower of green pecan shells on her.

Well, I couldn’t let that go! I flew up into the tree and shut that squirrel up. Boy, was he surprised to see a flying bulldog! He stopped that silly chucking noise and dropped the green pecan he was in the middle of eating and he hauled it out of there!

My reputation as a squirrel fighter is getting around the squirrel community.They will think twice before they chunk nuts at my Lady Human again.

Me: Stella, that’s not the way that happened.

Stella: Just telling it like I saw it.

Me: You must have been in a different yard dealing with a different squirrel.

Stella: Mmm. Don’t think so. You. Me. Pecan tree. Squirrel. Ugly squirrel nonsense talk. Raining pecan shells. Yep. That was it.

Me: And you flew?

Stella: I was super fast. You must have missed that part.

Stella the Typist – Conversations with Stella

Hello! I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and I can type.

Me:        Woah there, partner! You can what?

Stella:   Didn’t you see? I can type! Just like a human! Yay me!

Me:        I didn’t see you type. Stepping on a computer that was left on the floor is not the same as typing.

Stella:   Yes, it is. Yes, it is. And Tall Man must’ve wanted me to practice or he would not have left his typing box open on the floor.

Me:        Tall Man is not as cautious with his typing box…with his laptop as he perhaps should be, especially with you 50, 60, and 70 pound bulldogs running around.

Stella:    I am glad that he trusts us with his typing box. It shows that he loves us.

Me:        It shows that he doesn’t love his computer.

Stella:    Let me show you what I can type. lsrjilsmjrcljsrcelisrecnsrellnjreinreajnjraiec. Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?

Me:        What does it say?

Stella:    Does that matter?

Me:        That’s pretty much the whole point of typing.

Stella:    Well, that’s a problem because I can’t read. I am a bulldog.

Me:        Then why do you want to type?

Stella:    Because it is fun! It is like dancing. Jlsfjfdsiefdklndkdfjfdoji. What does that say?

Me:        Nothing that I can decipher.

Stella:    You mean I typed in secret code? Bulldog code? You know that bulldogs talk to each other in silent code.

Me:        Yes, I have seen that. It is fascinating. But I don’t think what you type is code. I think it is…gobbledygook.

Stella:    Wow! You mean I typed in a foreign language that even you don’t know? Great! I should start my own newspaper.

Me:        Fine, so long as you understand where a whole bunch of newspapers end up.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Two Long Ears and a Tiny Step of Faith

Our old rabbit, Moo-Moo, died today. She came to us because her previous owner, a 5-year-old boy, had an allergic dad. That was particularly sad because it was his dad who had gotten Moo-Moo for the boy to begin with.

They named her Moo-Moo because she was black and white and reminded the boy of a Holstein cow.

My daughter called me, hoping that I would be able to take the rabbit in. The request came at a bad time. I was minimally employed. The thought of taking on another expense twisted in my stomach. These were the pre-bulldog years, but still we had Susie the Welsh Corgi, Moon the part-Siamese cat, and a yellow parakeet named Buddy.

The boy’s father had checked with all the local shelters. No one had room for even one more bunny. My daughter said that the dad had built a three-story “condominium” for Moo-Moo (that’s bunny stories, not human stories -still pretty impressive). And the rabbit was litter box trained.

I was on my way home from one of my part-time jobs when my daughter called. I told her I would think about it and get back to her quickly, one way or the other.

The boy didn’t want to give the rabbit up. His heart was probably breaking. That’s all that I could think about on the drive home. How unhappy that would have made me. How he might be tempted to be angry with his father even though it wasn’t the father’s fault. How he might worry about where Moo-Moo would end up and what would happen to her.

What was the current price of rabbit food? Could I commit the room for a 3-story rabbit hutch? Did I need to take on another pet?

I did not know the father or the boy. I had never met either of them and I never have. I had no personal obligation to take on the animal or solve their re-homing problem.

And then I saw myself as the small, stingy, doubt-filled person I had become. If I couldn’t commit to take in a rabbit, a litter-trained rabbit with a 3-story condominium no less, what could I do? Before I even got home, I called my daughter back and told her Moo-Moo could come live with us. But, I added, be sure and bring the condo.

Being a rabbit, Moo-Moo was quiet though, early on, we almost renamed her “Thumper”. She expressed definite opinions about my volume level in the house. If I laughed too loudly at a comedy show or sang aloud, she thumped the floor of her condo violently. It was her rabbit version of an old-fashioned librarian putting her finger to her lips and shushing an unruly patron.

Among the bulldogs, Miss Sweetie had the closest rapport with Moo-Moo. They touched noses and carried on silent conversations. Miss Sweetie circled the rabbit condo with Moo-Moo keeping pace inside of it, a bulldog-rabbit race that went on until one or the other of them tired out.

Eventually Miss Sweetie would collapse with her back against the outside of the condo and Moo-Moo would skip up to the third floor of her rabbit home to take a rest.

It was Miss Sweetie who let me know that something was amiss this morning.  I had given Moo-Moo’s water and food a cursory look as I went about morning chores. Moo-Moo was stretched out as she usually was in the morning, right next to her nesting box on her condo’s third floor. About an hour later, Miss Sweetie had placed her paws on the condo and lifted herself up to sniff at Moo-Moo who had not shifted her position at all.

Miss Sweetie never reached up to the third floor because Moo-Moo always came down to her level to play. It was as though the bulldog was asking why her friend had not started their playtime.

And that’s when I knew.

I carefully picked up Moo-Moo’s body with Miss Sweetie watching. “She’s left. That’s all.” It was the only thing that I could think to say. Miss Sweetie looked at Moo-Moo and then walked away.

No one who lives on this earth avoids facing the fact of death.

Animals are sensitive to it. When my Corgi, Susie, died in our utility room while everyone was out of the house, our cat, Moon, would not walk into the room for the next 6 months. When one of our chickens died suddenly last spring, Snoopey, who always stays right beside me in the yard, would not approach the chicken run with me. She stayed far back, just watching.

That’s why I made sure that Miss Sweetie saw Moo-Moo as I took the body away. Moo-Moo was gone, but she didn’t just disappear. She left.

If I could, if I knew where the father and son who had to give up Moo-Moo were, I would let them know these things:

She lived a good, long time.

I think, I hope she enjoyed herself.

That 3-story rabbit condominium was genius and it held up well. She got lots of exercise jumping up and down the levels. It helped her stay healthy.

She had friends and at least one of them was a bulldog.

She laid down one night and peacefully went to sleep. She showed no pain. She felt no fear.

She will be remembered and she will be missed.

She helped me take a tiny step of faith which helped me take others.

And someday, we won’t experience death anymore.

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” Revelation 21:5 KJV

Amen.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

When in Doubt, Spit It Out! – Conversations with Stella

Me:        Stella…Stella…Stella!

Stella:    Me…Me…Me…Yay, me! Wait? What?

Me:        Not everything that is in my hand belongs in your mouth.

Stella:    Why not?

Me:        Because not everything I hold in my hand is edible. You just tried to eat your metal rabies vaccination tag.

Stella:    I’m sorry. It was shiny and it looked delicious. Everything looks delicious to me.

Me:        You need to exercise a little self control. When you see that I am holding something, wait for me to let you know if it is for you. Don’t jump. Don’t grab.

Stella:    Aaaggghhh! But it takes so much time. Sometimes you walk around and around and do stuff and I patiently follow you to make sure you don’t lose a treat or drop it on the floor where some other bulldog may accidentally find it when it really belongs to me.

Me:        Think of it as just another human privilege. And you know that I would never let the other bulldogs deprive you of your treats. That would not be fair and I want to be fair to you all.

Stella:    Thank you, Lady Human. I think it would be fair if you let me taste test all treats from now on. I believe the others will benefit from my expert taste buds. I am a connoisseur of treats.

Me:        Oh, really?

Stella:    Yes, and I promise to exercise A LITTLE self control and not to try to eat my vaccination tags from now on.

Me:        That is very reasonable of you.

Stella:    Bulldogs are very reasonable creatures.

Me:        Well…trying to eat a metal disc…Reasonable? I’m not so sure.

Stella:    Once I would have tasted it, I would have realized that it was metal and I would have spit it out.

Me:        Now that is reasonable.

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.