Open Letter to Jerky Mc SquirrelyFace – Stella’s Blog

Dear Jerky Mc SquirrelyFace, 

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am not amused.

You have offended us and we demand satisfaction. I do not know if the name I have used is your real name. I only know that, based on your behavior, it fits.

Was it not bad enough that you insulted Lady Human yesterday by showering pecan shells and partially eaten pecans on her head, but today you repeated your vile actions and left almost whole green pecans on our property. Yes, OUR PROPERTY! BULLDOGS RESIDE HERE!

You wasteful scoundrel! On behalf of humans and bulldogs everywhere, I demand satisfaction! You have heard of Hamilton. You know what I mean!

We have gathered evidence of your heinous pecan gorging.

What an effrontery! I don’t know what that word means, but it sounds terrible!

The under-tree space was clean yesterday. Today it is full of your crumbs. All your doing.

What do your fellow squirrels think of you, eating all their winter store. Yes, Jerky McSquirrelFace! Winter is coming!

Oh, and a word of warning. I don’t know how much you weigh, but at the rate you are eating, you will probably double that in a few weeks.Pecan trees are notorious limb shedders, so if I were you (and I’m glad I’m not), you’d better stay on the biggest, solid branches or you might find yourself falling into bulldog territory. Just a friendly tip.

I have a good mind to call a meeting of the Squirrel Council to get your obsessive pecan eating ways on their agenda.

I’ve got my eye on you. Leave some pecans for the rest of us!

As Sherlock Holmes would say, “Catch you later.”


Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges and Squirrel Fighter

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

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