I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Thank you, Lady Human, for making my special man cave. It is so warm and cozy, covered with soft blankets.
Sweetie: Oh, is that what stinks?
Doodlebug: It smells like me. Regal and masculine.
MoonCat: Don’t expect me to visit.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. This is not about the Big Blue Chair again, is it?
Sweetie: Everything is about the Big Blue Chair. Unless it’s about something else that I want.
Me: Look. The chair is mine. I don’t mind letting you use it when I’m elsewhere, but we can’t both fit in it at the same time.
Doodlebug: No problem. It’s too tall anyway.
MoonCat: No argument here. It smells like bulldog anyway.
Sweetie: I don’t mind sharing MY chair with you, Lady Human, but you’re going to have to shrink your bottom some to accommodate both of us and I have always first dibs.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Let me say at the outset that I never do anything wrong, but if I ever did, I would do it without holding back. Just like Sweetie is doing to Lady Human’s big blue chair.
Me: What? Oh, Sweetie! No!
Sweetie: Hmmm?
Me: The arm of my chair is soaked with your mouth drool! How long have you been licking there? It couldn’t be wetter if someone poured water on it.
Sweetie: Thank you for noticing, Lady Human. Whatever I do, it’s 110% or nothing. No halfway for me.
Doodlebug: And I think with that said, I’m going to take a nap.
MoonCat: Yes. I’m for doing nothing, too.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, something very sad is happening. The sky is falling apart. Little pieces of it are falling to the ground. I have always liked looking at the sky, but now it is going away. I shall miss it.
Me: The sky is not falling.
Doodlebug: I beg to differ. Look. Watch out that it doesn’t hit you.
MoonCat: Meow. I don’t go outside. Problem solved.
Me: What you are seeing are snow flurries, tiny ice crystals. I know you don’t remember, but we have seen them before.
Doodlebug: Wait. Snow. I’ve heard that word before.
Sweetie: And it covered the ground and swallowed our feet where we walked. NOOOO!
Me: It’ll be all right. There may not be that much this time.
Doodlebug: NOOOO! Swallowed feet!
Sweetie: NOOOO! Swallowed poop!
MoonCat: Now you see why I’m happy inside.
Copyright 2024 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, intruder alert!
Me: Oh, no. What now?
Sweetie: The cat has moved into my sleeping space!
MoonCat: It was unoccupied, so I took advantage of the vacancy.
Me: Well, Sweetie, you were sleeping on your special pad, so…
Sweetie: So she just parks herself wherever, whenever? How disorderly! How…catlike!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Stop looking at me!
Sweetie: I’m not looking at you. Do you think you’re that good-looking? How conceited!
Doodlebug: I’m not conceited! You are!
Sweetie: No, you are!
Doodlebug: No, you are!
MoonCat: Meow. No, you both are!
Me: What in the world is going on? I’ve never heard so much noise.
Doodlebug: It’s their fault. They won’t stop talking.
Sweetie: No, Doodle started it. He thinks he’s the king.
Doodlebug: I am the King.
MoonCat: You’re not the king of me!
Me: Cut it out, y’all! What a bunch of fussing over nothing. Next you’ll be fussing at me.
Sweetie: Patience, Lady Human! Wait your turn! We’ll get around to you!
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Good breakfast, Lady Human! Another, please.
Sweetie: Same here, please.
MoonCat: Meow. For once, and for this one time only, mind you, I agree with the bulldogges. Keep it coming.
Me: Uh, how about ‘no’? You all ate just a very short time ago. We do not eat all day long.
Doodlebug: What do you mean ‘we do not’? I do.
Sweetie: So do you, Lady Human. I’ve seen how many times you go to that cold air box and pull out stuff that you shove into your mouth.
MoonCat: Meow. Yep. Come on. Fair is fair.
Sweetie: We’ll make it easy for you. Just set it out…
Doodlebug: In three bowls. No sharing!
MoonCat: Meow. We’ll handle the timing on our own.
Doodlebug: Now that those details are settled, I hereby declare the All-Day Breakfast Club to be permanently in session.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Oh, no, not again.
MoonCat: Meow! What’s the holdup?
Me: What is going on?
MoonCat: The Great Big Light is awake in the sky. Food time!
Sweetie: Ugghhh! If I can wait, you can wait. And I can wait.
Me: Yes, so can I. Is there any way we can reset the breakfast alarm to something a little later than dawn?
Doodlebug: Since I have adjusted my schedule to a late breakfast, I agree. I hereby issue a royal command. No breakfast alarm until…
MoonCat: …the cat says so. Done and done.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Out of the way! Coming through!
Doodlebug: You call that “coming through”? Let me show you!
Sweetie: Hey, I move at my own pace.
MoonCat: Meow. Is that pace called ‘creep along’?
Sweetie: Do I look like a creeper?
Me: No, I think your style is more trundler.
Sweetie: Aw, Lady Human, just like you.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Whoa! Hold up there, Sweetie! What are you doing with my bowl?
Sweetie: I’m just checking to make sure you aren’t wasting any food. Nope. Looks like you licked it clean. Too bad.
Doodlebug: Everyone keep their noses and mouths in their own bowls. That is a royal order.
MoonCat: Meow. My nose pretty much has to go where my mouth does. Now with your big ole bulldog faces, you all may be able to eat out of more than one bowl at the same time.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: And I am tired.
Me: How come?
Sweetie: Chattering chickens. They never stop talking and they say nothing.
MoonCat: Like some others I could name.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: All right. Go ahead and tell me. What are you all whispering about?
Sweetie: Not a thing.
Doodlebug: What whispering?
MoonCat: They are planning to take away the mop the next time Tall Man pulls it out.
Doodlebug: Treason!
Sweetie: Turncoat!
Mooncat: I am not a bulldog as you are so quick to remind me. Therefore, Doodlebug is not my king and no treason is involved. End of discussion!
Me: So what was your plan? Emphasis on the was.
Doodlebug: A good leader never divulges battle plans against mops and brooms.
Sweetie: Especially when the plans are stupid and not likely to work.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, something strange has happened to my bed…again. Someone sneaked a new pad in while I was minding my own business outside.
Me: I did that. Sweetie has a new one, too. And MoonCat. I figured a little extra padding is never a bad thing, especially with winter on its way. Look! Sweetie and MoonCat are already snoring on theirs.
Doodlebug: So you think it is okay if I touch mine? I mean, I still have the old one. I found out that it wouldn’t swallow my feet.
Me: This one won’t either.
Doodlebug: Are you sure?
Me: Yep. Just chalk it up to human intuition. You’ll be fine.
Doodlebug: Based on y’all’s track record, I don’t chalk much good up to human intuition at all.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where is that growling coming from? Someone is treading on my domain!
Sweetie: Take charge, Lady Human! Strange bulldogs are barking in the sky!
MoonCat: Meow! Oh, no! Now they’re coming from all directions!
Doodlebug: Let me at ’em! I’ll deal with them! Nobody threatens my family!
Me: Everybody just simmer down. There are no bulldogs in the sky.
Sweetie: Of course there are! I can hear them. Bulldog grumbling has a certain sound like nothing else.
Me: Yes, but what you hear is rolling thunder.
Sweetie: Exactly! The thunder of a million bulldogs running toward us.
Me: Take a glance outside. What do you see?
Doodlebug: Uh, sky water.
Me: Yes, rain. Only rain.
Sweetie: I hate sky water. I’ll take a sky bulldog pack anytime.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Whatever.
MoonCat: Meow. What are we supposed to do? Bow?
Doodlebug: That would be a start.
Sweetie: Lady Human! Doodle wants us to bow to him! Please make this stop!
Me: Mmmm. Bowing to a bulldog? Nope.
Doodlebug: But I am the strongest thing in the room. And I am the King. You should at least call me ‘Sir’.
Me: How come?
Doodlebug: All I have to do is bark and everybody stops what they are doing to see why. I have all my meals served to me. I don’t have to do anything…
Sweetie: He may have a point.
Doodlebug: And I get to use the bathroom anywhere, anytime.
Me: Whoa! Hold up there, boy! Even kings have limits.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What’s going on?
MoonCat: Meow. Bark. Go on! Bark!
Doodlebug: Oh, all right. If you say so.
Me: What is going on here?
MoonCat: Meow. Time for breakfast. Hurry along.
Me: It’s not even light yet.
MoonCat: Meow. What’s light got to do with anything? This is breakfast call.
Sweetie: What’s all the ruckus?
Me: MoonCat is calling for breakfast.
Sweetie: Number one – she’s not a bulldog, so she doesn’t get to say when breakfast is. Number two – It’s still dark. Number 3 – well, I’ve forgotten Number 3. I’m going back to sleep.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Sweetie! What is Lady Human doing?
Sweetie: Shhhh! She is reading. Whatever that is.
Doodlebug: She is being too quiet. That is never a good sign with humans. It usually means that they are up to no good.
Sweetie: I know. She’s been at this reading thing quite awhile now. Very ominous.
Doodlebug: MoonCat! Go walk on her. That should break it up.
MoonCat: Meow. Nonsense. I only walk on humans on my own terms.
Sweetie: She is all bent over. Maybe she is stuck. Let’s start a commotion.
Me: Hey, what’s all the commotion?
Doodlebug: Phew! What a relief! You’re alive. We thought your brain had been eaten by that big stack of paper.
Sweetie: Yeah. It turns out you were only doing what all humans do – wasting time.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, we have a problem.
Sweetie: Uh-oh!
Me: I’m hearing that word a little too often.
Sweetie: Tappy the Chicken is stuck between the gate and the door! She walked in, but she can’t turn around.
Doodlebug: Chickens are so stupid.
MoonCat: Meow. Bulldogs should be careful about who they call stupid.
Sweetie: Help, Lady Human! She’s hopelessly trapped!
Me: Not hopelessly. She just needs to back up. Sometimes a few steps back is all it takes. I’ll be there in a second.
Doodlebug: Never mind! She backed out. Dumb chicken.
MoonCat: Meow. One wonders how long it would have taken a bulldog to figure that one out.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Uh-oh. Lady Human, I just want to make it clear that I had absolutely nothing to do with the big…puddle on the floor.
Me: Uh, Doodlebug! What happened here?
Doodlebug: Nothing. Well, something, but it’s really nothing.
Me: You peed on the floor.
Doodlebug: It was an accident. I was aiming for that big bag and I missed.
Me: This is not like you. And thankfully, that bag is waterproof because it has your food in it.
Sweetie: Doodle! You tried to pee on our food?
Doodlebug: I was just leaving my royal mark. Hey, the cat gets to pee in the house.
MoonCat: Meow. Pardon me, but I have my own private restroom. I am not a barbarian.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where did your paws go, Lady Human?
Sweetie: Yeah, did you lose them in the backyard? Let’s go look! I can sniff ’em out!
Me: No, it’s all right. I’ve just tucked them under my arms to keep them warm. And we call them “hands”, not paws.
Doodlebug: Same difference.
Me: Not exactly. Hey, MoonCat! You’ve tucked your hands…well, paws, too. That’s so cute.
MoonCat: Meow. If it’s good enough for human paws, it’s good enough for cat paws.
Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 