“Awkward but necessary. I wish someone could lend me a hand.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – A Good Ear Scratch
Curtailed – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come me and Doodle don’t have long tails?
Me: A century and more of bulldog breeding took that away from y’all. But you can still wag what you’ve got.
Sweetie: Ugh! Humans again, deciding what we can and can’t have! Not fair.
Baby and Bud: Chirrrup! We keep our long tail feathers!
Me: Not all human decisions are…
Doodlebug: Wise?
Sweetie: Intelligent?
Baby and Bud: Good ideas?
Doodlebug: Unselfish?
Sweetie: Well-intentioned?
MoonCat: I think we get the idea. The important thing is that I still have my long, luxurious tail to wave in all your faces.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Blah! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. BLAH!
Sweetie: BLAH! BLAH!
Me: If “blah” still means what it used to mean, y’all said it in the most excited non-blah way.
Doodlebug: Nothing to do.
Sweetie: Nothing to chew.
Me: Wrong on both counts. Eat. Drink. Walk around. Breathe the air. Take a nap.
MoonCat: Nap. Beat you to it about an hour ago. Nothing blah about a nap.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Windbags – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, someone is rudely whistling outside, disturbing our peace. Make them stop.
Me: Sorry. I can’t. That’s the wind again.
Doodlebug: Why can’t it blow quietly? I’m trying to nap.
Me: There are all kinds of factors that cause the winds to rise.
Sweetie: I know what causes it. Humans talking. talking, talking all the time with their big flappy mouths. Windbags blowing air everywhere. They need to quiet down.
MoonCat: Oh, that’s right. Only humans are big windbags. Yeah, sure.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Bouncy Branch – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, look out the window. That tree is waving to us!
Me: The wind is shaking that thin branch.
Doodlebug: It’s bouncing up and down. It must be happy. Hey, cats can climb trees. I saw it on the Big Picture Box. Go climb it, MoonCat!
MoonCat: I never climb bouncing trees. Not good cat sense. I think it is nodding in agreement with me that we want the winds to settle down. Just a thought.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Monster Machine – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. LOUD!
Me: Yes, you are.
Sweetie: Not us. Lady Human! Tall Man is pushing around the Monster Machine! LOUDER THAN US!
Baby and Bud: LOUD!
Me: Okay, I’ll shut the door and we’ll wait it out in here. He’s just getting the dust and dirt up. You want that, don’t you?
Sweetie: We’ll keep the dust.
Doodlebug: We’ll keep the dirt.
MoonCat: Yes, dust and dirt are a whole lot quieter, if you forget about the coughing and the sneezing.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Nasal Overwhelm – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Achoo! Snort snort! What is that awful smell?
Sweetie: Lady Human, you are responsible for this mismanagement of our air!
Me: I just spritzed a very small amount of an old cologne I had. I did it completely away from the parakeets to see if it was any good…
Doodlebug: Oh, protect the budgies, but not the bulldogs. Is that it? Our precious noses are millions of times more sensitive than yours!
Me: I’m opening a window to let it out.
Sweetie: And now the world will never be the same.
MoonCat: That window opening option might work on other objectionable odors, say the kind spritzed from bulldogs.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Ultraviolet Light
“Just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Dancing Feet – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: That two-legged human on the Big Picture Box sure knows how to use his feet.
Me: Yeah, that’s Ray Bolger in an old movie.
Doodlebug: Too bad he didn’t have four feet. Think what he could have done then.
Me: Humans are only allotted two. More than that, we might get into even more trouble.
Sweetie: Can you dance, Lady Human?
Me: Nope. Never have been able to.
Sweetie: I can! Watch! You just move this way and then faster. If you need help, I’ll lend you a couple of my feet.
MoonCat: A generous offer, though a little lopsided.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Fuzzy Humans – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come Tall Man has a fuzzy face?
Me: Fuzzy?
Doodlebug: Yeah. He has fuzz covering half his face which is a really good look for a human. Much more bulldogish.
Me: Oh, the beard. Some men grow facial hair and some shave it off. Personal choice.
Sweetie: I’ve always felt sorry for humans with your hairless faces. It must be very cold.
MoonCat: Not if they have a cat cuddler.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Grumbly Blitz of Bulldogs – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How come you call us a “pack”, Lady Human? I don’t pack anything.
Me: It’s a group name. The name for a group of bulldogs is a “blitz” meaning lightning or a “grumble”of bulldogs, though “grumble” applies to pugs, too.
Doodlebug: Blitz. Cool! That sounds like us. Lightning! Zoom!
Me: But we’re not just bulldogs. We have a cat and parakeets and…me, a human. I count, too. So “pack” is the better term for us.
MoonCat: I prefer “grumble” for bulldogs. Sounds about right. Lightning? Not the bulldogs I know.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
One Track Mind – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human?
Me: Yes?
Sweetie: Treats.
Me: You still have food in your bowl.
Sweetie: Yes, but…
Me: But what?
Sweetie: Treats.
Doodlebug: Now she’s got me thinking about them. Lady Human?
Me: Yes?
Doodlebug: Treats.
MoonCat: Now we know the topic for the day.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Manicure? Anyone? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what are you hiding behind your back?
Me: Nothing important.
Doodlebug: I see it. Nail clippers! Run!
Me: Wait, y’all! How about I just clip one toenail each day?
Sweetie: One toenail too many! All we want is for our precious feet to be left alone!
Doodlebug: You know what she will do? She’ll wait until we’re asleep and then she’ll sneak up on us with her sneaky clippers.
MoonCat: Solution? Sleep with feet tucked under and one eye open.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
4 Stops Away – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Your treats are almost here. And mine, too. 4 stops away.
Sweetie: Why are they stopping?
Me: They have other deliveries to make.
Doodlebug: Before us? Not fair!
Sweetie: Let’s run outside and get there first!
Me: And terrify the delivery person with a running bulldog charge? No way.
MoonCat: No one is terrified by a charging sleek, beautiful, charming, graceful, treat-loving feline. I will be happy to greet the treats at the door.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Keep On Going!
“Run, run, run, but keep breathing!”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Nitpicking – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, you need to put more food in my bowl.
Me: How much more?
Sweetie: Ten more kibble pieces.
Me: That’s very precise. Why ten?
Sweetie: That’s the perfect number. Please don’t skimp.
Doodlebug: And squirt another mouthful of water in my bowl.
Me: Your water bowl is almost brimfull.
Doodlebug: It doesn’t slosh quite right.
Sweetie: And it needs to be 4° warmer in the house.
Doodlebug: It needs to be 3 degrees cooler.
Me: You don’t even know what a degree is.
MoonCat: Ignore them, Lady Human. Everything is just right. Except my pillow could be 2 inches higher and my tunafish snack should really be salmon this time of day.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
A Piece of Advice – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, before y’all take those toys outside, let me give you a piece of advice.
Sweetie: A piece of advice? Why not give us the whole thing? Does advice taste good?
Doodlebug: Yeah. Give us the whole thing. If it’s good tasting, I don’t want just a little piece.
Sweetie: Wait. Is the advice old? I may not want it. How big is the piece?
MoonCat: Lady Human, are you sure there’s enough advice to go around? We wouldn’t want anyone to miss out.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
The Bar on the Door – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, someone has left a big stick leaning against the door. May I play with it?
Me: No, that stick is not a toy. It’s meant to keep the door shut against the outside world.
Sweetie: Mean ole outside world! Stay outside! Wait. What does “outside world” mean?
Me: All that area beyond the door. All that you see when we ride in the car. Like the park and the highway and…
Doodlebug: The vet.
Sweetie: Yikes! Stay outside, you outside world vet!
MoonCat: And I will stay comfortably inside the barred door.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I Have an Idea! – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I have an idea!
Me: Uh-oh.
Sweetie: No. Not an uh-oh idea. A good idea.
Doodlebug: Okay, I’ll bite. What is it? Not that one where we climb the tall fence and chase the stinky truck.
Sweetie: But there’s all those wonderful smells coming from it!
Doodlebug: Nope. Not happening.
Me: Nope. Bad idea.
MoonCat: Not all ideas are worth pursuing. Especially not stinky ones on wheels.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Crowing Contest – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, Roo-Roo the Rooster is showing off again. I’m throwing a piece of my mind at him.
Me: Don’t throw too much.
Roo-Roo: Cockadoodle Doooo!
Sweetie: Cockadoodle Ruff Ruff right back at you! I win!
Doodlebug: That’s not even good nonsense.
MoonCat: Good nonsense. Sounds like something a bulldog would know all about.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
