Tyranny of the Clock – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

And I am Sweetie, Queen of all dogs everywhere.

MoonCat: Meow.

Me: Why haven’t y’all eaten your food?

Doodlebug: It was served way too early.

Me: I brought it at the same time I bring your afternoon meal every day. 3 p.m. The clock doesn’t lie.

Sweetie: Clock? What is “clock” and why is she telling me when to eat?

Me: A clock tells time in hours, minutes, and seconds.

MoonCat: Meow. Sounds complicated.

Doodlebug: Yeah, my stomach tells me when to eat. Simple.

Me: Well, the clock tells me when to do things. It’s a tyrant.

Sweetie: Another weird human word. What is a tyrant?

Me: A tyrant is an oppressor that orders everybody else around.

Doodlebug: Oh, why didn’t you say so? I understand now.

Sweetie: Yeah, Lady Human! It’s a perfect description of you. You’re a clock!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

A Bob-what? – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Something’s wrong. Lady Human! There’s a weird scent on the air!

Me: Yeah, Tall Man just told me he heard a bobcat growling nearby. Heads up!

Sweetie: A cat named Bob? Who would do such a thing? And we already have a cat around here so…nope!

Me: A bobcat is a wild animal, way bigger that a house cat like MoonCat.

MoonCat: Yeah, leave me out of this. I do not now nor have I ever associated with wild cats of any size. And not about to start.

Doodlebug: I can deal with it.

Me: No, sir, you can’t. Bobcats climb fences and they hunt small animals.

Sweetie: Well, I’m not small so that leaves me out.

Me: Not really. I say again, Heads up! I’ll be going outside with you for the time being. It will probably move on back into the trees by the creek. It won’t like the presence of humans.

Sweetie: So you are good for something, Lady Human! I knew we would find out what it was sooner or later.

Doodlebug: I still don’t know why someone would name a cat “Bob”.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Write Out Loud! – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug. King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you doing, Lady Human?

Sweetie: She is scratching a poor innocent piece of paper with her stick again.

Me: It’s called ‘writing’. I put words down on the paper in ink so they can be read.

MoonCat: Words? I don’t hear anything except the scratching. Does the scratching make you feel better? Scratching makes me feel better.

Me: Uh, different type of scratching. I guess it makes me feel better to get the words out.

Doodlebug: Sorry, Lady Human, but no words are coming out.

Sweetie: Yeah, I don’t hear a thing either.

Me: Well, scratching…I mean writing…is silent until it’s read or recited.

Sweetie: That’s kind of selfish. You should share.

Me: How would I share while I’m writing?

The Pack: WRITE OUT LOUD!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Fumble Fingers – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. What are you trying to do, Lady Human?

Sweetie: Whatever it is, you make it look hard.

Me: I’m just opening a can of tuna for MoonCat. Oh, no! Fumble fingers. I just spilled some.

Sweetie: I hope you don’t expect ME to eat that. It’s been on the floor.

Me: As if that’s ever mattered to y’all before. No, I’ll clean it up.

MoonCat: Wait a moment. Don’t be so hasty.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

“Hey!” is Not My Name – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. DOODLEBUG. Or Doodle. Or Good Boy. Or Your Majesty. NOT “Hey!” That is for horses and goats.

Sweetie: And “Hey!” is not my name either. I answer to Sweetie, or Good Girl, or Suppertime, and that’s it.

MoonCat: Meow. And there’s no sense in calling me at all. I’LL CALL YOU!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

A Gaze vs. A Stare – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: What are you staring at, Doodle?

Doodlebug: I am not staring.

Sweetie: Them eyes of yours are set in a fightin’ mode!

Me: Settle down, both of you. I think Doodlebug is just gazing in your direction. A gaze is not a stare.

Sweetie: When eyeballs are set on me, how am I supposed to tell the difference?

Me: A gaze is softer than a stare. Like the way you’re both looking at me now.

MoonCat: Meow. None of y’all know anything about a stare. Now THIS is a stare!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Mucking out the Stall – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Lady Human, something stinks.

MoonCat: Meow! And I know exactly what it is. And who.

Me: Yes. I do, too. Get up, Sweetie. Your whole sleeping space is going to have to be deep cleaned.

Doodlebug: Yes, Sweetie. PLEASE!

Sweetie: Why me? I’m comfortable, except for the stink.

Me: If you were a horse, I might call this mucking out your stall, so move over here while I…

Sweetie: But it’s the way I like it, except for the stink.

Me: Well, smells can accumulate. Between the potty accident the other day which I cleaned up but which left lingering reminders and the spilled water and the spilled food and the tracked in dirt and mud from outside and…

Sweetie: Muck out somebody else’s stall and leave me alone and happy…except for the stink.

Copyright 2023 H J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Patience of the Pack- Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Where is lunch?

Me: Patience! Patience! Patience is a virtue.

Sweetie: Well, you don’t seem to have any so you should go buy some. NOW!

Me: OK, that’s what I’m talking about. Not everything needs to be hurried along or done right this instant.

MoonCat: Why not?

Doodlebug: We are a patient pack, Lady Human. When you are late with our lunch, we don’t eat yours, do we?

Me: I’m just getting some things off my list today. Next is grocery shopping.

Sweetie: Great! Be sure and buy enough patience for all of us to have some. Especially you.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Water Sampling – Conversations with Sweetie and MoonCat

Posted on by H.J. Hill

MoonCat: Meow! Lady Human, someone…let me be plain…A BULLDOG HAS BEEN TASTING MY WATER!

Sweetie: Lady Human, let me be plain, the cat does it to us all the time.

Me: There is water all over the floor.

Sweetie: My face doesn’t exactly fit into a cat’s water bowl, so that’s to be expected. Why is it okay for her to do it when we are outside?

MoonCat: Because my face is small and I never spill a drop, said no bulldog ever.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

The Battle of Floor Mopping – Conversations with Doodlebug and Sweetie

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. ALERT! ALERT!

Sweetie: DOUBLE ALERT!

Me: What in the world is going on?

Doodlebug: Tall Man is fighting with the mop for control of the floor!

Sweetie: The mop is winning!

Doodlebug: He needs reinforcements.

Me: Y’all settle down. Too much barking over too little.

Sweetie: Wait. How did you know it was us barking?

Me: Cats don’t bark.

Doodlebug: Humans do. How did you know it wasn’t Tall Man? It could have been.

Sweetie: Naw. Different accent.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Water Taster – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Lady Human, the cat is being her weird self again.

MoonCat: Meow. How can a bulldog call a cat weird?

Me: What’s going on?

Doodlebug: MoonCat is going around and taking sips from our water bowls.

Sweetie: Yeah. Thoroughly unsanitary.

Me: Well, I guess a bulldog would know about unsanitary. MoonCat, is something wrong with your own water?

MoonCat: No. I just like to sample other bowls. Don’t humans do that?

Me: Well, yes. In fact, in some restaurants, they have a wine expert called a sommelier who will sample a bottle of wine first for the guests to make sure it’s good.

Sweetie: I wouldn’t mind doing that job.

Me: Sorry, girl, no wine for dogs. Not good for you.

Sweetie: Oh, but a cat can stick her cat tongue in my bulldog water and that’s okay? Wait and see how you like it.

Me: What do you mean?

Doodlebug: Nothing. But if I were you, I wouldn’t leave anything you’ve been drinking out of within cat reach.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved

Early Call – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Oh. Lady Human!

Me: Do you all know what time it is?

Sweetie: Don’t know. Don’t care. Time to get up, Lazybones.

Me: Get up? It’s still dark outside!

MoonCat: Best time of day.

Me: Did you get this party started?

Doodlebug: No, I did. She just suggested it.

Sweetie: Hey, Lady Human, this is an early breakfast call. Just give us the grub so we can get back to bed. What you do with your time then is your business.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Puppy Steps – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Lady Human! Quick! Quick! Hurry! Hurry! Hungry! Hungry!

Me: This food bag is heavy and I have to move with baby steps so I don’t fall over or pull a muscle.

Doodlebug: We call what you are doing ‘puppy steps’. Let’s speak clearly, ma’am.

Me: Okay, puppy steps then. My point is that we all go at our own pace.

Sweetie: If you would just get two more legs like we have, you could puppy step faster.

Me: Sorry. That’s not going to happen. The Great Creator gave y’all four each, not me.

MoonCat: I have the most talented four feet in the whole house. When I walk, it’s called “pussyfooting”. The best of all worlds.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Beck and Call – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Lady Human, where’s my snack?

Me: You ate it.

Sweetie: That was then. This is now.

MoonCat: And my water needs to be changed. It’s stale.

Me: It was changed 20 minutes ago.

MoonCat: Yes, that’s what I mean.

Me: I don’t even change my own water more often than every 20 minutes.

MoonCat: That is you. This is me.

Doodlebug: Lady Human!

Me: Yes?

Doodlebug: Nothing. Just making sure you were listening.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Who’s in Charge Around Here? – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: Does that mean you are in charge around here? Because this place is very poorly run.

Doodlebug: Don’t blame me. I’m just the King.

MoonCat: Meow. Don’t drag me into this.

Sweetie: Lady Human, no one seems to be in charge, so now I am taking over.

Me: Uh, I don’t think so.

Sweetie: Don’t worry. You can still stay here. I won’t rehome you.

Me: Oh, thank you so much.

Doodlebug: That tone of voice in humans means she is making fun.

Me: Being in charge is not all it’s cracked up to be. There’s cleaning and buying food and cleaning and grooming and more cleaning…

Sweetie: On second thought, I am appointing you to do all that stuff, Lady Human. I hereby declare naptime. It’s great being charge!

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Trash Raiders – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: I am Sweetie. ‘Nough said.

MoonCat: Meow.

Me: You are probably wondering why I have called you all here today.

Doodlebug: No, not really.

Sweetie: Don’t care.

MoonCat: Meow. Because we all live here anyway?

Me: There is mess in the kitchen.

Doodlebug: Oooo, good! Let me at it.

Sweetie: A mess in the kitchen. So what else is new?

MonnCat: Meow. Nobody saw me do it.

Me: Noses need to stay out of the trash bag.

Sweetie: Uhb, trash bags should not be nose high then.

Me: There are nasty things in the trash that are not good for you to eat. We’ve gone over this before.

Doodlebug: Then how come nasty things smell so delicious?

MoonCat: And how come tunafish live in the trash?

Me: They don’t.

Sweetie: No, they don’t. Chickens do.

Me: No, that’s not true either.

Doodlebug: Nobody worry about what is living in the trash. I’ll just keep checking. My nose is on it

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Dealywhopper – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Oh, I wish y’all could hand me that dealywhopper over there. I can’t quite reach it.

Sweetie: What’s a dealywhopper? Can I eat it?

Me: It’s that…thing there.

MoonCat: Meow. Is it tunafish? I’ll get it if it’s tunafish.

Me: No, it’s that thingamajig on the floor over there.

Doodlebug: What is she talking about?

Sweetie: A dealywhopper. It’s important, but you can’t eat it.

Doodlebug: It must not really be all that important then.

MoonCat: It’s not tunafish so…never mind.

Sweetie: Why doesn’t she just say what it is?

Doodlebug: She did. It’s a dealywhopper.

Sweetie: Must be some new human invention. Have you noticed how humans are always coming up with new stuff and new things to call the stuff? They are so weird.

Doodlebug: Yes, I have noticed that.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Nasty! – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Sweetie: What’s that on the floor? Let me eat it.

Me: NO!

Sweetie: How come? It smells delicious. Like one of your meals.

Me: No, it is not delicious. It is cat throw up. MoonCat’s delicate stomach acted up.

MoonCat: Meow. Tummy ache. Tunafish makes it all right.

Doodlebug: Why can’t we have nice treats? The cat doesn’t mind.

Me: Cat vomit is NOT, I repeat, NOT a nice treat. But why am I surprised? The Bible even says that a dog returns to its own vomit.

Sweetie: But that’s not ours. We are returning to MoonCat’s vomit. If I threw up, I would share with her.

MoonCat: Meow.

Me: Everybody just stay back while I clean this up.

Doodlebug: You see, I told you. We never get nice treats.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

Teatime – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on by H.J. Hill

I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: Teatime!

Sweetie: Nope. My stomach says it’s much too early.

MoonCat: Meow. I’ll take mine now, please.

Sweetie: Teatime is Teatime and Teatime is not now.

Me: I’m sorry, but I have a prior engagement at regular Teatime so it will have to be now.

Doodlebug: Fine with me! As long as there’s food involved, I’m all in.

MoonCat: Meow. Me, too. Make mine tunafish.

Doodlebug: Hey, early is better than late.

Sweetie: This is most irregular.

Me: Well, if you want to skip yours…

Sweetie: What? NO! I only said this was irregular. I did not say that I am insane.

Copyright 2023 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.