“Don’t stand in one place too long. And wear a real hat.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Snow Hat
Something Spilled Outside – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human! Cleanup! Outside! Better bring a mop and a great big bucket.
Me: You mean all that cold white stuff on top of everything? Not my circus, not my ice monkeys.
Sweetie: Now that’s not very helpful of you, ma’am. Do you want our precious little paws to get frosty? It sounds to me like laziness.
MoonCat: It sounds to me like it’s a good thing I’m a housecat.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Winter? But Why? – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay. Not much in the way of outdoor activities today. Winter is rolling in big time.
Sweetie: Winter? But why? We were doing fine without it.
Me: Just part of the cycle. Remember, for the rest of the day, the outdoor facilities may feel pretty cold.
Doodlebug: How inconvenient! Is there going to be that cold white stuff, too?
Me: They say so.
Sweetie: Well, just who are they? I’d like to have a serious little talk with them.
MoonCat: I have no problem with winter. My facilities are always open.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Are Your Ears Burning? – Conversations with the Big Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Baby and Bud: Tweet. Tweet. (Quiet chattering.)
Me: Hey, Sweetie, Doodle, are your ears burning?
Sweetie: Burning ears! PUT ‘EM OUT! PUT ‘EM OUT!
Me: Not real fire. I mean I think the parakeets are talking about you.
Doodlebug: Lady Human was using a bizarre phrase, one of those sets of words that make no sense.
Sweetie: Well, she needs to stop doing that and speak plainly so a bulldog can understand.
MoonCat: Even without weird human expressions, that may be impossible.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Keep Your Growl to Yourself – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Grrrrr!
Me: No. No. No. What’s going on?
Sweetie: Can’t I growl if I feel like it?
Me: Not without a reason. A growl is a tough noise you share with the world. Why are you growling? Doodlebug isn’t.
Doodlebug: Nope. I’m a pleasant fellow.
Sweetie: Lady Human, don’t you ever feel growly?
Me: Sure. But once you let a growl loose, you can’t take it back. So first, you have to ask yourself, “Why am I throwing a growl around?”
MoonCat: Cats don’t growl like bulldogs, but a hiss can go a long way.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Knowing When to Pounce – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: There it is. Now wait for it. Pounce!
Doodlebug: Ugh! Missed it again. Where did it go?
Me: Y’all playing some kind of fun game?
Sweetie: We’re trying to catch a critter, but every time we pounce on it, it’s moved.
Me: Is this critter kind of gray and flat?
Sweetie: Yeah! Do you see it?
Me: It’s your shadow. That’s why it moves when you do.
Doodlebug: I still think we can get it if we perfect our pouncing technique.
MoonCat: I could share my pouncing secrets, but nah.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Pay Attention – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay. Pay attention. We’re going to calmly walk outside and…
Sweetie: Where’s my chew toy?
Doodlebug: And my throw stick? I need that.
Me: Y’all! Look at me. Pay attention.
Doodlebug: Pay attention? Is that what you do when you hand humans that funny-looking paper and they give you metal discs back?
Me: That’s a different type of paying. Attention means focus. Now focus on me and…
Sweetie: I still need my chew toy.
Doodlebug: And there’s my missing stick to think of. I’ll search over here.
Sweetie: And what time is lunch?
MoonCat: I’m paying attention. Don’t I look like I’m paying attention?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – All Feet on the Ground
“Hello!”
“Stay grounded. You’re less likely to fall over.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Paper Staring – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Psst, Doodle. What is Lady Human staring at?
Doodlebug: Nothing interesting. Something in one of those books you bumped into.
Sweetie: It looks like those little marks she scratches onto the poor blank paper, only neater.
Doodlebug: Why do humans spend so much time staring at little marks on paper? There are so many other things to stare at.
Sweetie: Like food.
Doodlebug: And more food.
MoonCat: Priorities.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Whistling Winds – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, someone is whistling loudly outside the window. It’s annoying when I’m trying to think my own thoughts. Make them stop.
Me: That’s the wind. A cold front is moving in.
Doodlebug: Why does it have to make so much noise? It’s bad enough that it’s made my nose cold.
Me: I don’t believe the wind did that on its own.
Sweetie: Cold or not, I prefer silence.
MoonCat: I prefer silence, too. From bulldogs, but I don’t get it. I simply cover my ears. That works for whistling winds, too.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Perk Up Your Ears – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Ears are important, Lady Human.
Me: Yes, they are. Not just having them, but using them.
Sweetie: Do you use your ears?
Me: Yes. A lot. Sometimes. Maybe not.
Doodlebug: Perk ’em up, ma’am. We have a list of demands.
MoonCat: Don’t perk ’em up too much. Bulldog demands can be long and extremely loud. In fact, I think I’ll tuck mine down.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Overstacked – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olded English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Run! Run! Run! Slide! Wee! Uh-oh. Clunk.
Me: Okay, that’s why no running in the house. All that stack of books knocked down. Are you alright?
Sweetie: Huh, yeah. What a mess! If that stack hadn’t been taller than me, well, it wouldn’t have been taller than me and wouldn’t have tumbled so far.
Doodlebug: Next time, try stacking a bunch of trash bags filled with yummy leftovers. They are softer and smell better.
MoonCat: How about next time, no running in the house! You might disturb the cat.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Clean Out Your Ears – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, what silly thing do you have in mind?
Doodlebug: I spy with my little bulldog eye CLOTH AND EARDROPS!
Sweetie: What a wicked, sneaky plan! And we were peacefully minding our own business.
Me: Hey, maybe you’ll hear better with less gunk in your ears.
Sweetie: Nothing is that important to hear!
MoonCat: Now hear this! My ears are clean and fully functional. No further action is required.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Warm Towel Weather – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: I hear the bathtub filling with water, Lady Human. You aren’t plotting to give us a bath, are you?
Doodlebug: An uncalled for, unnecessary bath?
Sweetie: In cold weather?
Doodlebug: On a chilly day?
Me: No, it’s not for y’all. I’ll just warm my towels and…
Sweetie: Warm?
Doodlebug: Towels?
MoonCat: I’ll take the warm towels, thank you. Throw away the bathtub. Its services are never required.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to Simpleton – Fence Straddling
“Straddling a fence is never comfortable.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Noses in the Air – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, why are you pointing your nose toward the sky?
Me: I smell a slight scent on the air.
Doodlebug: Let me try. Mmmm, nope. Nothing.
Sweetie: Me neither. You smell it because you’re so tall.
Doodlebug: Let us climb on your shoulders so we can smell it, too.
Me: 160 pounds of bulldog. Not gonna happen.
MoonCat: Cats have advantages over bulldogs. We climb heights to thrust our noses in the air. No human boosters required.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Paper Scratching – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: That pointy stick in your hand is making that scratchy noise again, Lady Human.
Me: Yeah, that happens.
Doodlebug: Is the paper stuff itchy so you have to scratch it?
Me: Huh? No, paper isn’t alive. It has no feeling of its own.
Sweetie: So you make the stick mark it up so you will feel something.
Me: Well…I guess so. Pens don’t tell themselves what to write.
MoonCat: Poor old paper. It looked so nice and clean before all that scratching.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
In a Huff – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, why are you looking so grumpy dog?
Sweetie: How do the humans put it? I’m in a huff. In a snit. Ticked off. Pissed off. In a word, miffed.
Doodlebug: The humans must get that way a lot. They have so many words for it.
Me: But how come you’re in a bad mood?
Sweetie: How should I know? I just am! Is that all right with you? Don’t look at me!
Me: Okay. Been there and done that before. Take a nap. And here’s a treat.
MoonCat: Oh, fine! Reward the irritable! At least I have the courtesy to keep my huffiness to myself. Hey! Don’t look at me!
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Sound Bulldog Advice – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, we know how to break your chocolate fixation. Every time you want to pick up a piece of chocolate, stop.
Me: Easily said. Not as easily done.
Doodlebug: Stop and turn around and go get us a treat instead.
Sweetie: And you never want to give us too many treats, do you? Even though there is no such thing as too many treats for bulldogs, so…
Doodlebug: You will stop thinking of your treats so much.
Sweetie: Because you don’t want us to get fat from too many treats, even though there is no such thing as too many treats for bulldogs.
Me: Hmmm. Practiced distraction. Redirection. It might work.
MoonCat: Good advice from bulldogs? Wonders never cease. Distract some cat treats my way while you’re at it.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldog Intervention – Conversations with the Pack
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, is that yet another chocolate bar you’re holding?
Sweetie: Tucked safely away in your front pocket with your floppy sleeve covering it?
Doodlebug: Hiding it from man and beast?
Me: Maybe.
Sweetie: Psst! Doodle, we could snatch it and bury it in the backyard. Then the ants could eat it and Lady Human would be saved.
Doodlebug: No, she’d worry that we had eaten it and we can’t have chocolate at all. But we could stare at her until she gets embarrassed.
Sweetie: She’s already embarrassed or she wouldn’t be hiding it.
MoonCat: No chocolate! Never! Sneaking rich treats? Shameful behavior. Unless, of course, it’s a sardine and I’m doing the sneaking. Then it’s perfectly justified.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
Bulldoggy 