bulldog – Page 33

The Red Mop Menace – Conversation with the Pack

Posted on May 14, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Today was Mop Day, a day which should probably come even more often than it does.

Stella: No, it should never happen again!

Me: I truly do not understand why you all don’t like the mop. With the mop, there is endless, hysterical barking. How is it different from the broom that Tall Man was pushing just a few minutes ago and you were all silent?

Stella: There is all the difference in the world, Lady Human! Isn’t it obvious?

Me: No.

Stella: The broom, as you inexplicably call it, is a bright, friendly yellow. It is dry and takes the dirt and bulldog hair and stacks it in a neat pile which then disappears into the tall metal fortress forever.

Me: You mean the trash can.

Stella: If you say so.

Me: But the mop does the same thing, only better.

Tiger: No! The mop is evil!

Snoopey: I never agree with Tiger. She is always wrong. Until now. The mop is evil!

Me: The yellow broom is good, but the red mop is evil?

Wiggles: What is ‘red’?

Stella: You know what it is. The ugly color that the humans are always spreading around and wearing.

Miss Sweetie: I like red. I like yellow. I like blue. I like the lovely trees. I like the lovely grass. I like the lovely squirrels…

Stella: NOOO! Sweetie, you and I need to have a long talk.

Miss Sweetie: About the lovely squirrels?

Stella: No. I mean yes. I mean about a lot of things.

Doodlebug: Can you tell me about the lovely squirrels, too?

Stella: SQUIRRELS ARE NOT LOVELY! YES, DOODLEBUG! I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT BULLDOG LIFE, TOO! Forgive me for shouting. Some subjects annoy me.

Wiggles: What is ‘annoy’?

Snoopey: Why aren’t we talking about taking out the red mop?

Tiger: Exactly. The red mop must be destroyed.

Me: I still don’t understand why the red mop is so different from the yellow broom.

Stella: The mop is wet. It is smelly.

Me: It cleans the floor. Do you want the floor to be smelly?

Stella: Better a smelly floor than an evil red mop running around free!

Tiger: Hear! Hear!

Snoopey: Agreed!

Wiggles: Okay.

Doodlebug: The smelly floor smells like me.

Miss Sweetie: Lovely squirrels.

Stella: As queen, I can order our army to march against the red mop.

Me: No, you really can’t.

Stella: But the humans vote on all sorts of things, as crazy as that is.

Me: No, it’s really not.

Stella: I put it to a bulldog vote. All in favor of red mop destruction, bark and keep on barking!

The Pack: Barking

Me: No, please, not again!

Stella: The barks have it. The red mop will be destroyed at the next opportunity.

Me: No, it won’t. I am not going to buy another mop just because you all don’t like the color red or think it is wet or smelly.

Stella: All in favor of Lady Human not overseeing the red mop issue, bark!

Me: Stop! The red mop is mine and Tall Man’s. I am hereby taking it into protective custody. No chewing or bulldog destruction allowed. Is that clear?

Stella: No.

Me: What?

Stella: Yes. Maybe. Not really.

Me: The humans are in charge.

Stella: Until the red mop menace is over, all in favor of the humans no longer being in charge, bark!

High Maintenance Humans – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 13, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges! Hello! Bulldogs are told all the time how much more of everything we are – more work, more health issues, more wrinkly, more stubborn, and most importantly, more love. But humans are mistaken. Humans are high maintenance.

Me: How so?

Stella: Where are you going?

Me: How do you know I am going anywhere?

Stella: Simple. What are you wearing on your top part?

Me: A blouse with a T-shirt.

Stella: Why do you need 2 shirts? You only wear 2 shirts when you are going out. What do I wear when I am going out? Nothing! Humans are high maintenance. Dogs are easy.

Me: I don’t see how my shirts make me high maintenance…

Stella: And what do you have on your feet?

Me: Shoes. Just casual shoes.

Stella: Casual shoes today. Fancy shoes tomorrow. Shoes with heels. Shoes without heels. Black shoes, brown shoes, gray shoes. Those are just the ones I have seen. And what do I have on my feet? Nothing! Low maintenance.

Me: Hey, I’m just living life.

Stella: High maintenance human life. We are easy by comparison. Like the way you all eat. What are those metal things you hold in your hands and stab your food with?

Me: Knives and forks?

Stella: Why? You have paws, don’t you? And long, long toes on the ends of your arms that you pick stuff up with. You have mouths. Why don’t you eat like us? Then you won’t have to spend so much time and water washing those metal stabby things.

We have water bowls. You have all shapes and sizes of bowls you drink from. Little ones. Big ones. Skinny ones. Get one water bowl and drink all your weird drinks out of it. Low maintenance.

And then there are all these things sitting around that you stare at – the Picture Box, the little box you carry in your hand and talk into, the stuff that Moon the Cat knocks off the piano, the piano…

Me: Okay, I get it. Humans are high maintenance, maybe even higher than bulldogs.

Stella: Good, now that we agree, go get me my toys – all of them, not just the new ones – oh, and wipe out my water bowl again. A piece of dust blew into it. And my vitamins, I need my vitamins. Oh, and bring me both kinds of treats, not just the one you got at the healthy place. While you’re at it, straighten out my cushion. I bunched it up too much and be sure to refill my food bowl before bedtime. I like my midnight snacks.

Sisters – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 10, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and by the authority invested in me by me, I hereby declare myself to be AN ONLY PUPPY!

Me: Can that be done?

Stella: Of course. I just did it.

Snoopey: I’ve had about enough of this whole queen thing. And you can’t just say you are not something that you are. You are my sister.

Stella: No, I’m not.

Snoopey: Whether you like it or not.

Stella: I don’t.

Snoopey: You are just mean.

Me: Girls! Girls!

Snoopey: Mean meanie! Mean queen! Mean! Mean! Mean!

Me: Snoopey, enough!

Snoopey: Sorry, Lady Human.

Me: I am an only child and I don’t understand this conflict between sisters.

Snoopey: Sisters are rude.

Stella: Sisters are stupid.

Snoopey: Sisters stink!

Stella: I know. I’m smelling you right now!

Me: Enough!

Stella: Lady Human, you are an only puppy.

Me: Child.

Stella: Same thing.

Me: No, it’s not.

Stella: Sisters are complicated things.

Me: Can’t you work together? At least, not fight?

Stella: What’s the good of having a sister if we can’t fight?

Me: I’m sorry. I guess I missed the whole point of sisterhood.

Stella: You are an only puppy, Lady Human. Stick to what you know.

What’s Going On? Stella’s Alert to the Pack – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 8, 2017 by H.J. Hill

Alert! Alert! Something is going on! Oh, by the way, I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Help! Alert! Lady Human! Whatever is going on, MAKE IT STOP!

Me: Nothing is going on except that the whole pack is barking. Why don’t you tell everyone to calm down and stop it?

Stella: I can’t until we know the danger is past.

Me: There is no danger.

Stella: Yes, there is; otherwise, the pack would not be up in arms!

Me: There is no danger.

Stella: Why do you keep saying that? Do you think that we are insane? You are human. Humans are supposed to know everything.

Me: Stella, the look you are giving me says that you think that I am the insane one. It’s your straight brow, the face that says you are stuck between worry and disbelief.

Stella: I am! What is going on? Help!

Me: What is going on? Tall Man just got home from work. That’s all that is going on. Okay. Can you calm down now?

Stella: Tall Man? Came home?

Me: Didn’t you see him walk through?

Stella: Yes. But everyone was barking and jumping around. Like something was wrong. And I just assumed…

Me: …that something was wrong, but there wasn’t. Someone heard something. It was Tall Man. Someone saw something. It was Tall Man. Someone started barking without asking why. Then everyone else started barking without asking why.

Stella: Oh. I see. You must think we are foolish.

Me: No more than my fellow humans who do the same thing every day.

Stella: Lady Human, we still hope that humans know everything.

Me: We don’t. Get used to it. Only God knows everything. And do you know what that is?

Stella: Yep. Good news.

The Return of Jerky the Squirrel – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 7, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges or, as I am also known, FLYING STELLA, SQUIRREL FIGHTER! Jerky McSquirrelyFace has returned!

Me: Actually, he never really left.

Stella: But I haven’t seen him in months.

Me: He was wintering in. After he ate all our pecans and acorns, he wandered the rest of the neighborhood, looking for something he and his friends hadn’t eaten, and then tucked himself in until spring came.

Stella: Never fear! The Squirrel Fighter is here! Let me at him! Get ready for pecan pie come autumn, Lady Human! Here I come to save the day! If a little cartoon mouse can fly, I can fly. Where did I put my cape?

Me: I never got around to making you a cape. I didn’t think you would need it because, well, you know…you can’t…

Stella: Can’t what?

Me: You know. Fly.

Stella: Bite your own tongue, Lady Human! Don’t you remember the exciting events of last year?

Me: No.

Stella: Me! Fighting Jerky! Flying across the yard, chasing Jerky out…well, maybe that part was all my imagination, but I did run and I barked and Jerky jumped over the fence…after he threw nuts on my head. I like my first version better. Flying Stella, Squirrel Fighter. Just let me find that little booger hanging around my yard this time. We’ll see who gets what thrown on whose head!

Toe Stompers – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 6, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, wish to make perfectly clear that I had absolutely nothing to do with what happened. I was across the room, minding my own business. It was Snoopey’s doing. Poor Lady Human.

Me: I think it’s turning blue, right there by my little toes.

Stella: Which foot?

Me: Can’t you see it?

Stella: I don’t see colors all that well. Oh, there! That spot does look different now. I will lick it and make it feel better.

Me: Thanks, but no thanks. That won’t help a bruise.

Stella: Bulldog tongues help everything. And Snoopey is rude and careless. I know she has big feet, but she should keep them under control. No toe stomping! It gives bulldogs a bad rep!

Me: Rep? You know what a rep is?

Stella: Sure. It’s what people say about you and believe about you. Bulldogs have a great rep for tenacity and tenderness and looking ferocious but being all cool and whatnot. We do not need to be known as toe stompers.

Me: It wouldn’t have happened if I had been wearing boots.

Stella: Oh, knowing Snoopey and her big feet, it would have happened. It just wouldn’t have hurt so much. Where are your boots?

Me: In my closet.

Stella: I will run and get them.

Me: Ow! Stella!

Stella: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize your feet were in my way. You should be more careful where you put them.

Running in Circles – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 3, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human has another in her endless list of questions about dog behavior. I am sure it is not important, but I humor her because…you know… treats.

Me: Is that all I’m good for?

Stella: No. No. No. Yes. No.

Me: I get it.

Stella: I love you, Lady Human. And I love treats. And I love food. So…what’s your question?

Me: Snoopey spent the longest time this afternoon circling around before she…

Stella: Just say it. We all know what it is.

Me: Before she…

Stella: POOPED! No big deal. We all do it.

Me: Okay. She circled and circled and circled and made figure 8’s and squares before she finally settled on a spot to…

Stella: Say it!

Me: Poop.

Stella: Sounds pretty normal to me. What’s the problem?

Me: All the places she circled looked the same to me. I don’t understand what she was looking for.

Stella: Not looking for. SMELLING FOR.

Me: Okay. What was she smelling for?

Stella: Ask her.

Me: Don’t all dogs understand other dogs?

Stella: In general, yes. In specifics, no.

Me: Help me. I want to understand.

Stella: She could have been scenting one of the other dogs and she didn’t want a used place. She could have been scenting the grass or the leaves and nothing smelled right. She could have been scenting for one of her own old places and somebody else had come by and used it and messed it up. Maybe she is just confused. Maybe she is too particular. Maybe she…

Me: Okay. I get it. It could have been anything.

Stella: Yeah, but it wasn’t. The tall spring plants out in the yard freak her out. They weren’t there last year or the year before and she thinks that they are giants and that they will trap her.

Me: Really?

Stella: Yeah. Actually, none of us like them, though I tolerate them because they tickle my belly.

Me: Really.

Stella: Yes, they make me giggle. Ask yourself, Lady Human, if tall green plants were growing in your bathroom spot all of a sudden, wouldn’t you circle around until you found a less tickly spot?

Bulldog Double Dance – Conversations with Stella

Posted on May 1, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Don’t ever doubt it. Few humans know, however, that I am a dancer. Lady Human discovered this talent on one of the first days I spent with her. I have a unique style. I did not take classes. I was born with it.

You see, it’s this little scooting motion forward with my right front leg extended to the front, my right paw tapping the ground every few inches. Never the left leg, always the right. It must be a good dance. Lady Human smiles every time she sees it. I don’t pull that dance step out often. I don’t want to wear it out.

Wiggles: I dance.

Stella: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, not every bulldog dances.

Wiggles: I dance.

Stella: Uh-huh. Snoopey tap dances. Nothing special, just lots of toe action, pretty doggone fast.

Wiggles: I dance.

Stella: Sure, sure. Tiger is more of a leaper than a dancer. There was a time when the vet thought that she would always walk with a limp, but Tiger likes to prove people wrong.

Wiggles: I dance.

Stella: Yeah, okay. I haven’t seen much dancing from Sweetie or Doodlebug. They are rampagers. They tear around the house and jump on things, including humans.

Wiggles: I dance. They copy me sometimes.

Stella: Okay, okay.

Wiggles: Watch! I try to touch my nose to my tail, but I can’t. But now I look like a half-circle and I tap my feet, all of them, like this as fast as I can, and I turn and turn. Then I turn the other way.

Me: The famous comma dance and faster than I’ve ever seen her do it.

Stella: Hmmph! You call that dancing?

Me: Stella, are you envious? You shouldn’t be.

Stella: I could dance like that if I wanted to. I just don’t want to. Hmmph!

Me: You each have your own style. That’s great. If everyone did everything the same way, how boring would that be.

Wiggles: I dance.

Me: You sure do, honey.

Stella: Hmmph! I could do that if I wanted to.

Fussbudget – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 30, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Phhuubbbb!

Me: What?

Stella: Pooh!

Me: Say again.

Stella: Blubb, phubb, blaagghh! Hmmmpphh! Don’t talk to me!

Me: What a fussbudget!

Stella: Fussy budgie?

Me: Fussbudget. Whiner. Complainer. Grumbler.

Stella: Budget? Like when you cut back on our treats. Pooh! Don’t try to budget my fuss!

Me: Why are you in a bad mood?

Stella: How much time do you have? Because I have a long list.

Me: No, please. No lists today. Maybe tomorrow.

Stella: I will hold you to that promise.

Me: I’m just not in the mood for a list of complaints. I have some of my own and I am trying to stay positive.

Stella: Well, I am positive. I have a long list. And I am adding your name to it.

Me: Why? What did I do?

Stella: You called me a fussy budget. How is calling someone a name supposed to put them in a better mood.

Me: I believe that sometimes when your friend is acting badly, you do them a favor by calling them out on it. Otherwise, they may just keep on acting ugly and never realize it.

Stella: Well, still. Calling me…did you say ‘friend’? Me?

Me: Yes.

Stella: I am your friend?

Me: Yes.

Stella: But you have a bunch of friends.

Me: No.

Stella: That makes me special.

Me: Yes.

Stella: Your friend. And a fussy budget. That’s me.

Bulldog Freight – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 27, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and Lady Human is having a bulldog problem, as usual. What is it this time, Lady Human?

Me: Do you see what Doodlebug is doing?

Stella: Yes. And?

Me: Do you see him at the end of the leash?

Stella: Yes. Where else would he be? The middle of the leash?

Me: Do you see my feet sliding across the floor as he pulls me along?

Stella: Yes. You are going to have to run along with him if you are going to get anywhere fast. Right now, he is dragging you at about an inch a minute, which isn’t bad if you are only going an inch or so. Boy howdy, you must not weigh as much as you think you do. He’s in control of that leash.

Me: Well, he weighs about 80 pounds and I weigh…considerably more than that.

Stella: And he has 4 feet to work with and you only have two. And his shoulders are muscular and yours are not.

Me: I’m still on my feet.

Stella: Is that doing you much good?

Me: I haven’t given up.

Stella: You might as well. Bulldog, Lady Human. Bulldog. We are the dog version of a big rig truck.

Me: How do you know about trucks?

Stella: I keep my eyes open when we are in your rolling box. I see those big rigs. Sometimes, if everything is just right, I look up and see a driver look down at me and smile. I try to smile back, but to be honest, I probably just end up looking bulldoggy.

Bulldogs are like those trucks. We were built to haul big loads like you.

(Lady Human, is that the best picture you have of Doodlebug?

Yes, it is the only time I’ve caught him standing still.)

Wait on Me – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 25, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges.

Me: If you say so.

Stella: I do. And I am thirsty. Give me a drink.

Me: That is a rude way to ask for something, Stella. And your water bowl is full. Drink your water.

Stella: I want what you are having.

Me: I am taking a swig of coffee before I have to go.

Stella: What is a swig? I want a swig.

Me: A swig is just a quick sip. And you can’t have coffee. Do you want me to leave the television on? I’ll only be out for about an hour. Everybody else is napping.

Stella: Will there be zombies?

Me: No. I can leave it on this station. They will just be showing old westerns.

Stella: That man on the Picture Box. What is he drinking?

Me: Since that is a saloon, I’m guessing it’s whiskey.

Stella: I want a swig of whiskey.

Me: Nope. No way. Not now. Not ever.

Stella: You are a terrible waitress.

Me: I beg your pardon.

Stella: You have it, but I will not be leaving a tip.

Me: Okay, too many movies. Honey, this is not a restaurant. I am not your waitress.

Stella: Of course, you are. We call. You come. You bring us food. You bring us water. You clean out our water bowls. You wipe our faces. You clean our ears…

Me: Hold on a minute. I have never heard of a waitress who cleaned customers’ ears or wiped their faces.

Stella: You haven’t been to very good restaurants then. All bulldog restaurants offer that service. Like this one.

Bulldog News Network – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 24, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and this is BNN – Bulldog News Network, blah, blah, blah, all talk all the time, just like the boring humans…

Me: Stella, what brought this on?

Stella: Today there was a sale on cheese at the human food place and Lady Human bought it all and brought it home just for herself. She owns all the cheese in the world.

Me: How would that even be possible?

Stella: Snoopey is here with us now for an interview to tell what she witnessed.

Snoopey: What is an interview?

Stella: What did you see when Lady Human opened the door to the Big Cold Box?

Snoopey: Lots and lots of wonderful food.

Stella: That proves it.

Me: It doesn’t prove that I own all the cheese in the world or even all the cheese from a store.

Stella: Now we welcome Tiger who has more to add to this story.

Me: What story? I bought a little bit of cheese.

Stella: Tiger, what do you have to say to Lady Human’s denial of cheese hoarding?

Tiger: Hello.

Stella: Can you be more specific?

Tiger: Hello, people.

Stella: Wiggles, Doodlebug, Sweetie, what can you add?

(background snoring and odd snorting noises)

Me: Are they your audience because…

Stella: Am I the only one concerned about the level of cheese hoarding here?

Me: Apparently.

Snoopey: I guess so.

Tiger: Yes.

Stella: Well, I can’t keep commenting on nothing.

Me: Nope.

Snoopey: That’s right.

Tiger: So shut up.

Stella: Tomorrow on BNN – Bulldog News Network, I will interview Lady Human about how she has slowly but drastically reduced the size of treats during the past month.

Me: Uh, I may arrange to be unavailable for that.

Snoopey: Smaller treats? What? Really?

Tiger: As long as I get mine and Snoopey’s, too, I don’t care.

Where Are The Stars? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 21, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, but that makes no difference to the sky. One minute it’s dark. The next minute it lights up with a blue flash. Then it goes dark again.

Me: Do you feel that?

Stella: The wind is rising. It feels good. Where are the stars?

Me: Hidden by clouds. It’ll be almost 20 degrees cooler by morning.

Stella: Does the blue flashing light make the air colder?

Me: No.

Stella: What is the light?

Me: We call it ‘lightning’. It is electricity.

Stella: Did the Great Creator make it?

Me: Yes, I believe so. When I see it, it makes me think of Him.

Stella: It scares me a little.

Me: Me, too. God is great. He can be scary, too. But He is love.

Stella: Is electricity dangerous?

Me: Sure.

Stella: Then why are we standing out here in it?

Me: It’s not here quite yet. Look at the chickens. They know. They’re getting their last feed in before the storm hits.

Stella: They aren’t usually out this far after dark.

Me: They sense that they may have to stay in their chicken house for a while. This storm is supposed to pass by in a few hours.

Stella: Will we be all right?

Me: By God’s good grace and mercy, yes.

Stella: How can you be sure?

Me: Well, He and I have had a few adventures together. I’ve never found Him to be absent or lacking. I’ll have to tell you sometime about the Supercell storm my daughter and I outran 2 years ago. He was with us that day.

Stella: What if He has gone on vacation, the way the humans do?

Me: He never slumbers or sleeps. And He doesn’t go on vacation. He is always God.

Stella: Even now, with the sky all lit up like blue fire?

Me: Especially now. But He does expect us to use the sense He gave us, so let’s go on inside. Do you feel that? The rain is starting.

Stella: It feels like a shower except colder.

Me: Yes. Except colder.

Stella: Let’s go in now! Nobody likes cold showers!

Odd Dog Out – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 20, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Bulldogs are different. Each one has its own little quirks. Among the members of our pack, some of us are more different than others. I have to say that Miss Sweetie is the Odd Dog. I love her, but her behavior is out there in weird land.

Me: Well, she is incredibly smart.

Stella: I know. The self-built toilet event. The twisted water pipe caper. But I am thinking of other behaviors that qualify as strange even in the bulldog world. Did you see what she did when you cleaned and refilled her water bowl yesterday?

Me: How could I miss it? She soaked her back feet in it. And the weather wasn’t even hot.

Stella: She was washing them off after soaking them in mud. Sweetie never met a mud puddle that she didn’t like.

Me: Yeah, it’s hard to remember what the natural color of her feet are. It’s hard to figure out what is hanging out of her mouth on a long strand of drool. Of course, you are a very clean dog. I never see you seeking out dirt, dust, mud, or slime.

Stella: Dirt and slime are yucky. Sweetie is a loner. And she is not. She sits out in the yard by herself. She uses your chairs as though they are thrones. She makes the scariest, long, drawn-out, bulldog-type drones. She plays hard. She sleeps hard. Well, maybe she is not so different from the rest of us after all.

Me: Did you see what happened when I brought out my chime balls to do my hand exercises?

Stella: She was full asleep and she jumped up and started barking and those chime balls were not even making the least little noise. But then the rest of us started barking at them and that made a lot of noise. Lady Human, I would not bring those out again in our presence. You might want to keep them to yourself from now on.

Me: I never know what is going to set the pack off.

Stella: Me, either.

Me: If not you, who would know?

Stella: Nobody. It is a deep mystery, the sort that only the Great Creator understands. We’d best leave it that way.

Me: What should we do about Miss Sweetie?

Stella: Enjoy her and appreciate the fact that we are all different.

The Horrifying Inventions of Humans – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 18, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. I am Illustrious and Noble. They are not.

Snoopey: I heard that!

Tiger: So did I!

Me: If I were you, Stella, I’d go light on the comparisons.

Stella: I am telling the truth and nothing but the truth.

Me: Well, truth and opinion can get twisted up and truth can sting so…

Stella: AAAAGGHHH! Don’t look! It’s back!

Me: What? Where?

Stella: The Picture Box! Look! No, don’t look!

Me: It’s just in menu mode for recordings. A bunch of lines – blue, black, and white. Some words. No zombies.

Stella: It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Take it away!

Me: Okay, click and click. There! It’s gone. But why does it scare you? It is literally only lines and words.

Stella: Lines like bars. And words! I can’t read, Lady Human! Are the words evil? What do the words say?

Me: You don’t have to be afraid. The words aren’t evil. They are listings for shows. They won’t hurt you and the lines are not real bars. They are images on a screen.

Stella: Horrible. Horrible. Why do humans make horrible things?

Me: I would have thought that zombies would be scarier.

Stella: At least zombies look like ugly, hideous humans. Humans I am used to, even ugly ones.

Me: I still don’t understand why lines and words on a screen cause you to cringe.

Stella: Can you explain your fears? Why do some things frighten you but are of no matter to others?

Me: What can I do to help?

Stella: Simple. Turn the frickin’ Picture Box off.

Open Your Ears – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 17, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Now hear this!

Me: Okay…I am listening…Now hear what?

Stella: I don’t know. Do you hear anything?

Me: I hear you. I hear Tiger snoring. I hear the air conditioner running – I wish I didn’t. It is only early spring. I hear Moon the Cat purring. I hear Snoopey whining because Moon is talking to her. Don’t you hear all of that?

Stella: Yes. But…

Me: Do you need your ears cleaned out again?

Stella: NOOOO! NO! NO! NO! I am fine. I can hear everything. Lalalalala! You see. I heard that!

Me: Oh, come on, Stella. It’s not that big a deal. I have to clean my ears. Everybody has to every once in a while.

Stella: My ears are fine. See how cute they are, all wrinkled and tucked in. No ear issues here.

Me: Look, I only have to wipe them out with this soft cloth and…

Stella: Aaaachhh! Aaaaggghh! Aaaaahhhh. Awwwww. Okay. Well, that’s better. Mmmmm.

Me: See, you make a big deal out of nothing.

Stella: My ears are a big deal.

Me: You should take care of them then.

Stella: No, YOU should take care of them then.

Me: Hey, I am trying to, but I am getting serious resistance.

Stella: Resistance from whom?

Me: Stella! From you!

Stella: What? That was not resistance. That was me being bulldoggy. When are you going to accept that I am a bulldog and I will act like a bulldog all the time? Let me be me.

Me: Okay. And let me be me.

Stella: What?

Me: Let me clean your ears without a fight.

Stella: Nope. Not possible. That would be wrong, plain wrong.

Me: even if I talk like this

Stella: What? What are you saying? I can’t hear…oh, clever. Whispering. Trying to make me think my ears are clogged.

Me: Keep your ears open, Stella. We all need to hear what is going on.

Stella: Are you going to clean my nose out next?

Me: If you need me to…

Stella: NOOOO! Nose is fine!

Bulldog Mediation – Snoopey & Tiger – Conversations with the Pack

Posted on April 15, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Illustrious and Noble, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and therefore, IN CHARGE!

Snoopey: As pack leader, I beg to differ.

Me: As the only human present, so do I.

Stella: Fine! Be that way! I’m still queen. So there!

Me: Is this about the spat this morning?

Stella: If by “spat” you mean the barking, growling, snapping conversation between Snoopey and Tiger, yes.

Me: That started when they started eyeballing each other from across the room.

Tiger: It started the day Snoopey was born.

Snoopey: It started the day Tiger came to live with us.

Me: It started when you two disobeyed my instructions. No eyeballing each other. Keep your eyes to yourselves.

Snoopey: You have been putting drops in Tiger’s eye.

Me: Yes.

Snoopey: I want you to put drops in my eye.

Me: No.

Snoopey: Not fair. I am the pack leader. I should get to have drops in my eye.

Me: The vet gave those drops to us for Tiger’s scratched eye. You do not have a scratched eye, therefore, no drops for you. It is not a gift or a privilege. Tiger doesn’t even like it.

Tiger: No, except that I get them and she doesn’t.

Miss Sweetie: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Doodlebug and Miss Sweetie: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Me: Hold it! Quiet down!

Miss Sweetie: fight, fight, fight

Stella: That’s not what she meant, Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie: But I like a good fight.

Stella: UHHHH, children these days!

Tiger: Believe me, Sweetie, no fight is good and you would not like to see a real one.

Miss Sweetie: But what were you and Aunt Snoopey doing then?

Tiger: We were…disagreeing…loudly…while showing each other how white our teeth are.

Snoopey: Yes, Sweetie, that was it. And always remember that it’s IMPOLITE TO STARE.

Stella: And ONLY the humans have control over what the vets give us and that includes eye drops! Agreed?

Snoopey: I concede the point…

Stella: Good.

Snoopey: …this time.

Stella: Oh, of course, because next time you think that you will have control over the vets and the humans. Wrong. Mediation closed. Ruling: Keep your eyeballs out of other people’s business.

Me: A fair ruling, Your Majesty. One we should all observe. God save Queen Stella! Wait. Where’s Wiggles?

Wiggles: Here. AHHHH! What a wonderful nap! Hasn’t this been a great day?

Miss Sweetie: So, there’s not going to be a fight?

Stella: Go to bed, Sweetie. Good night.

Miss Sweetie: Okay, Aunt Stella. Good night. It’s not a very exciting night though.

Stop Clucking in Our Ears! You Sound Like a Chicken! – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 13, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I, Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, guard my ears from nonsense noises and that is hard living with a pack of bulldogs. But today it was not a bulldog assaulting my ears. It was far worse than that.

It was a cat. Moon the Cat, to be precise. She was making clucking noises in Lady Human’s ear and I heard it. Clucking noises! Who does that? She is a cat! Where was the meowing that we are so often subjected to? A cat should act like a cat. Clucking is for chickens and I know that the cat has not been hanging around with them.

Me: It was really no big deal.

Stella: How do you define “big deal”? Since when is a cat clucking like a chicken not a big deal? Is this yet another cat/chicken conspiracy? Are cats and chickens uniting against bulldogs? Are they now speaking a common language? Is this a prelude to war? NOOOOO!!

Me: Wait. A war between bulldogs on one side and cats and chickens on the other?

Stella: What else can it be? A cat was clucking, Lady Human! A cat! Clucking!

Me: I don’t think it is a real problem. I did tell Moon to stop doing it in my ear.

Stella: There is a plot afoot. Ignore it if you will, but one day, all of us may be clucking in cat-ese like a bunch of chickens.

Me: Flock.

Stella: I beg your pardon?

Me: Granted.

Stella: Hmmmph! Cats!

Me: Hmmmph! Bulldogs!

Stella: What?

Me: Nothing.

Doggy Toilet Building – Scary Smart Part 2 – Sweetie the Wonder Dog – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 12, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Now I have seen everything. Humans, bulldogs are smart. Stubborn but smart. Some people think that our stubbornness means that we do not understand what we are being asked to do. Not so. We may obey, but we do not comply.

Today I have seen something that rivals…well, you tell the story, Lady Human.

Me: You saw it, too.

Stella: Yes, but I was still in extended bulldog wake up mode, so I missed the first part.

Me: Okay. This morning, everyone had been fed and I normally take Miss Sweetie outside first by herself after breakfast because she gets to playing and forgets to do…you know, her business.

Stella: Let’s be clear. Her “business” is pooping and peeing. Why don’t humans just say what they mean?

Me: When I was growing up, bathroom matters were called “business” and everyone knew what that meant.

Stella: Pooping and peeing. See, I said it. Please go on.

Me: I always try to get Miss Sweetie out within a minute or two of her finishing breakfast because she is not good at waiting to do her business.

Stella: Who is? Please continue.

Me: I was washing some dishes at the sink and I heard her start to move her metal food dish around, indicating that she had finished her food. She steps in it and sometimes sits in it, even though she doesn’t fit and, anyway, I told her I would be with her in a minute. A minute! And to please wait just a minute! And then, there was this sound of water hitting metal and I knew it wasn’t from the sink because I had turned the faucet off and I’m like, “Is there a weird leak somewhere?”

Stella: And there was! Tell it! Tell it! Tell it!

Me: I looked over at Miss Sweetie and there she was, sitting beside her food and water bowls, only the empty food bowl was sitting at a 45 degree angle on top of her water bowl and…I can hardly say it…

Stella: Go ahead! This is the best part.

Me: And pee was pooled in the bottom of it. She had set up her food bowl as a toilet and she had peed in it because she did not want to wait another minute to go out. Yuck!

Stella: And?

Me: And she had perfect aim and she did not spill a drop.

Stella: I feel like cheering. Let’s hear it for Miss Sweetie, Bulldog Bathroom Champion! How do the humans say it? Oh, yes, hip-hip-hoo…

Me: Yuck!

Stella: No, I don’t think that is how it goes. No human cheer ends with the word, “Yuck”.

Me: Do you know how much hot water and soap I had to use on those bowls before I could even think of using them for her food and water again?

Stella: No, but I am sure that Miss Sweetie did not give it a second thought. And I am sure that you won’t be asking her to wait just one more minute before her morning bathroom run again.

Me: Not even half a minute.

Stella: You realize that Miss Sweetie can’t tell time. A minute to her could be an hour, a week, a month, a year for all she knows. Miss Sweetie believes in basics. If you need to go the bathroom, go to the bathroom. That’s all. She was doing you a favor by setting up her bowl to catch it. She knew how busy you were.

I hope you got a picture of it. You can put it on that little box that you and all the other humans are always staring at.

Me: I don’t post pictures of pee. For any reason. I did show Tall Man just so I had a witness and he wouldn’t think that I was making it up.

Stella: I think Miss Sweetie should consider a change in career from bulldog to whoever those humans are who take care of putting together human toilets.

Me: Plumbers?

Stella: No, that’s not it.

What’s Cooking? More Importantly, Is It for Me? – Conversations with Stella

Posted on April 11, 2017 by H.J. Hill

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, and food is cooking in the kitchen. It has been flavoring the air for hours and hours. I can see steam coming out of the red pot. I know it holds something wonderful.

So, Lady Human, where is mine?

Me: Oh, that’s Tall Man’s special stew. He makes it up so that he always has something ready to eat when he gets home from work. He is trying to eat healthier.

Stella: I am trying to eat healthier so…

Me: No, that is for Tall Man. You have your healthy food already.

Stella: It smells so good. What is it?

Me: Well, he puts some water in the crock pot and then adds about 1 pound of beef, some small sweet potatoes cut up, spinach, a small onion cut up, and two handfuls of kale, and he lets it cook on a low setting, then it’s ready when he gets home.

Stella: Beef – check. I’ve had that. Sweet potatoes cook into a tasty treat. I’ve had that. Spinach? I don’t know. Onions?

Me: No. No. No. Not good for dogs.

Stella: Kale? What is that?

Me: It’s a green leafy vegetable like spinach is.

Stella: You mean like a bush in the front yard.

Me: Sort of, but not quite.

Stella: Not interested. Okay, I will take the beef and the sweet potatoes. You can keep the rest.

Me: No deal. Tall Man would be very disappointed to come home and find his dinner half eaten.

Stella: He can make more.

Me: Nope. Not today. He used up his ingredients in this batch.

Stella: That was poor planning on his part.

Me: It’s his food, Stella, not yours, not even mine.

Stella: How dare he make something smell so good that is healthy! Has he no respect? Doesn’t he know we are bulldogs?

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