Why Aren’t You Like the Humans on TV? – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, QUESTION!

Me:        No need to yell.

Stella:    I am not yelling. I simply have a big mouth. Get used to it. Why don’t you act like the humans on that Picture Box you call TV?

Me:        For one thing, those are mostly actors and actresses. And advertising people who are selling stuff. And politicians. And news reporters.

Stella:    Okay, so everybody is putting on a show. Got it. Why can’t you act more like them?

Me:        You like what you see in humans on TV?

Stella:    They smile a lot.

Me:        You want me to smile more. Like this?

Stella:    Ew, no! Stop smiling!

Me:        Aw, you don’t like my smile.

Stella:    It looks phony. I want you to smile like those TV people.

Me:        And you think their smiles are less phony than mine. Okay. What else do the TV humans do that I don’t?

Stella:    They tell jokes all the time and lots of invisible people laugh.

Me:        Those invisible people are either a studio audience or taped laughter.

Stella:    Yes. Exactly. That’s how our house should be. Lots of laughing all the time. Bulldogs are hilarious. You should be hilarious, too.

Me:        That might be too much hilarity.

Stella:    No. Just be funny and get some of those invisible people in here to laugh.

Me:        What else?

Stella:    We can turn the humans on TV off any time we want to.

Me:        So, you want me to…

Stella:    Turn yourself off from time to time.

Me:        Oh, thanks.

Stella:    You have been staying up later and later which means that we have been staying up later and later. Turn off the Picture Box, the big one and the little one you carry around, and turn yourself off. Go to bed so I can turn myself off and go to bed. Then you will be a true TV human. You push that button and turn them off so they all go to sleep.

Me:        Actually, pushing that button just turns the TV off. The people aren’t affected.

Stella:    You mean they keep on moving around inside that dark box, stumbling into each other, and are never allowed to sleep? NO!

Me:        Don’t freak out, Stella! That is not what happens. The TV people are not in the Picture Box, ever.

Stella:    Are you sure? Maybe we should open it up and see.

Me:        Trust me.

Stella:    Like we trust the people on TV? Sure thing.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Do You Think Something Is Wrong With Her? – Conversation of Stella and the Pack

I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. Everyone be quiet. Something is wrong with Lady Human and I don’t know what it is.

Snoopey:   She is not moving.

Tiger:     She is breathing.

Wiggles:   Her eyes are closed. Does that mean that she is dead?

Stella:    I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like this before. She is warm.

Snoopey:   But not too warm. She is cool, too. She smells alive.

Doodlebug:   I need to pee. Can she open the door to the outside world?

Stella:    Hush, Doodle. No, she can’t, not right now.

Doodlebug:   But I need to pee.

Snoopey:   Should we paw her? I’ve done that at night in the dark and all she does is turn over.

Stella:    You’ve seen her eyes closed like this before?

Snoopey:   Sure, but only in the dark. Why are her eyes closed in the daylight? Why are her eyes closed in here?

Miss Sweetie:   Maybe she needs to pee. Ask her.

Doodlebug:   Yeah, because I need to pee.

Stella:   I will touch her with my paw. Maybe she will move. Everyone, stand back.

Me:        Hmmm. What? What’s going on? Why are you all staring at me like that?

Stella:    Rah rahr?

Me:        I beg your pardon.

Stella:    That is bulldoggese for ‘Are you alive?’ Well, are you?

Me:        Yeah, sure. I guess I just dozed off.

Stella:    Dozed off? Does that mean you died?

Me:        No, of course not. I fell asleep. Like you all do when you take a nap.

Stella:    Is that what a nap looks like from the outside? Horrifying! We never do anything like that!

Me:        You’ve seen me do it before. Snoopey, you’ve seen me asleep every night for months now.

Snoopey:   Yep, but it looks a lot different in the dark.

Stella:    Lady Human, don’t ever do that again!

Wiggles:   So she is alive?

Stella:    Yes, Wiggles, duh.

Miss Sweetie:    She doesn’t look very alive to me.

 

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

It’s Past Your Bedtime, Human! – Conversations with Stella

I am Stella, Queen Illustrious and Noble. Oh, and I am an Olde English Bulldogge.

Me:        And you all are not, I repeat, NOT in charge of my sleep schedule. I repeat – NOT!

Stella:    How rude, Lady Human, and how excessively repetitive! And how incorrect.

Me:        No, no, no. You all govern much of my daily schedule. You have no say-so as to when I go to bed.

Stella:    Personally, I don’t care, but Snoopey expects a regular sleepy time.

Me:        So I heard.

Stella:    She told you?

Me:        She complains loudly starting around 10 p.m.

Stella:    Why don’t you just go to bed when she wants to?

Me:        Bulldogs are not the only creatures that can be stubborn.

Stella:    Yes, we are!

Me:        No, you’re not!

Stella:    Yes, we are! Yes, we are! Yes, we are! Are you trying to ruin our reputation?

Me:        I am an adult human. NOBODY tells me when to go to bed!

Snoopey:   Time for bed!

Me:        Okay.

 

 

Copyright 2017 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Bulldog Thinking – Conversations with Stella

Shhhh! Everybody be quiet! I am Stella, Queen of the Illustrious Olde English Bulldogges. I think Lady Human is asleep. I know what sleeping looks like because bulldogs sleep a lot. Just about any time, I can look around and see a bulldog snoozing and snoring. We are famous for it.

Me:        I’m not asleep.

Stella:    Shhhh! Go back to sleep, Lady Human.

Me:        I can’t go back to sleep because I was not asleep.

Stella:    Were you trying to fool me?

Me:        No, I was thinking with my eyes closed.

Stella:    Thinking about what?

Me:        Stuff. Nothing. Everything.

Stella:    That’s a lot. No wonder you closed your eyes. Why so much thinking?

Me:        Humans overthink everything. Thinking is how we spend most of our time.

Stella:    Then why aren’t things way better?

Me:        Just because someone has a thought doesn’t mean it is an intelligent thought. Or useful. Or helpful. Or any good.

Stella:    Is that more of that overthinking?

Me:        Maybe.

Stella:    Bulldogs don’t have that problem. We don’t overthink anything. We think about food. And treats which are also food. And what food tastes like. And how food feels in our stomachs. And what food smells like. And what food looks like. And when we will see food again. But we don’t overthink anything so I guess we are better off than humans.

Me:        Stella, I am tired of thinking about all of it.

Stella:    Then go back to sleep, Lady Human. No more thinking. Night. Night. We will do the thinking for you.

Me:        Uh-oh.

 

 

Copyright 2016 H.J. Hill All Rights Reserved.